Confidence

I am working on my confidence - going to start exercising again as well as incorporating yoga into my routine. I am also making sure that I work on my self-esteem. Actually, strangely enough it has been good lately; feeling sexy, beautiful, and strong. The past days have given me a new feeling of hope in my ability to control my destiny. I like control. Although my desk and house does not show it, I like order. I like to know the outcome of things and what it will take to get me there.

Because of this, I am postponing my first two sections of the CPA until the beginning of the year. This semester is harder than expected and I think I will benefit from some self-evaluation. I will still be studying every weekend, but only 8 hours compared to 16. This was a hard decision. However, I think it is for the best. I have a big project in Accounting Ethics that has potential for publication. That would be nice. Moreover, what is my hurry - passing should be my focus not becoming a hermit to reach the goal.

I will make sure to get my studies complete as planned - and yes a daily account of what needs to be accomplished already exists - on excel. Nevertheless, I need to make sure that I take as much effort for myself. I need to make sure that I put myself first from here on out. I need to make sure that I know what I want and how to reach these goals. Independence and a clear head - that is my goal.

At this point in my life, there are many decisions to make. I have to have confidence in my ability to make them correctly. I have to trust in my instincts. They have yet to be wrong. Unfortunately, I seem to have an unbelievable sense of ESP at times. I appreciate it and hate it. Can’t we all live in ignorant bliss? Is there even such a thing? There just seems to be so many issues right now.

Cynicism is an interesting thing. You lose as many people as I have, and have hurt as many times as I have – and you grow cynical. You begin to see the crazy hysteria with everyday life.

Life is Strange

So I will post this in my other blog - or at least intend to, but it is such good news that I wanted to share. Something finally clicked. I am losing weight. Have no idea how much due to missing the last two weeks at weight watchers and my scale is broken. However, I can see the difference. My Sweetie says he can see it too. Won't go into the details, but the evidence is there. All of the sudden I am following core and it is not a chore. And yesterday I got into a size smaller jeans. Today I am wearing a size smaller skirt. For the first time in over 2 years I feel like I can lose this weight, that I can get healthy. Things are different this time.

My Motto

Cause I've relied on my illusion to keep me warm at night

Silver Lining

I am a silver-lining kind of person. I know if you know me you might doubt this statement at times due to my stress-out moments. Let me rephrase - I prepare for the worst while hoping for the best and try to see the good or "meant to be" in everything. I am a strong believer in fate. I believe things happen and we are where we are for a reason. Even when things are painful or uncertain - they are for a purpose. For example, fate sent me to SKIDS to experience that awful place. If not for there, I would not be here. I love my job and my company. Most importantly, I love my boss. I realized why I like him so much - he reminds me of my best friend's husband. Do not get me wrong, just because I identify him as her husband, does not mean we are not friends. I think of him as a close friend that I trust deeply. Well, back to the point....

Sometimes awful things happen to open our eyes - to give appreciation. When an event like this happens it is like a veil lifts to reveal the truth. This truth, though sometimes hard to swallow, makes one reevaluate the current path. It pierces the tent of illusions that beneath we live. If we are lucky, this unveiling will reveal a beautiful starry sky that we would have never known existed otherwise.

Past Three Days

The last three days were emotional with

Anger
Sadness
Confusion
Depression
Heartache
Passion
Tears
Distractions
Reevaluations
Closure
Bubble Bath
Winding Roads
Foot Massage
Intimate Discussions

It's Amazing

It is amazing how one's world can change in a heartbeat. People die and marraiges end at one moment in time. From that point on nothing will ever be the same. When you are in that moment your heart beats fast and you feel like you are going to puke. Your mind races to the strangest things, insurance and bank accounts. Suddenly your plans for the next ten years or even year change suddenly. Numbness sets in and doing anything or seeing anyone seems impossible. You doubt your ability to continue or function. The thought of waking up alone hurts. The thought of solitude is scary. Holidays are coming and you can't comphrehend the presence of others. However you can't help but wonder, in a cynical way, if things are turning out for the best.

Feeling Better

I must say that I am feeling better today. It has taken too long. Between sinus infection and food poisoning - it wasn't fair. But today I feel great. Ok a little tired - but other than that I am good. I worked late last night, but did not mind. I had a good day yesterday. I finally had the day where I feel that I belong here. My boss is great and stood up for me. That is helping to ease the pain and anxiety that SKIDS left behind. I also met the CAO of our parent company. I was not even nervous. And today I met with the Controller and was comfortable enough to talk about my job and my duties without sounding like an idiot. My boss even gave me credit for some of my ideas in this meeting. All in all a good day - and it isn't even 2.

The person I replaced returned to the mothership. At first I did not know how I felt about it. However, I am ok. She is working in a different department with different duties. I know that I can do this job better - and I will just have to prove it to everyone else. I am starting to wonder if I want to stay here after graduation or if I actually want to pursue the audit industry. We shall see - I have some time to think about it.

Update on me

Well I am doing a bit better. I was able to eat a normal dinner last night. However, I don't feel great today. My back is killing me and it hurts worse as I breath deeply. This is not fair. The good thing is that I am busy at work today - so hopefully the day will pass quickly.

I contemplated switching to the slower testing option. However, after much contemplation, I decided against it. Mostly because I am feeling withdrawn from family and friends as it is. I don't want to stretch that out any longer than needed.

So I just have to buckle down and take my medicine - referring to studying. Six months is not a long time. That is all I have until the tests are complete. Lord knows I don't want to have to study a second time.

Thank you all for understanding during this time. I promise to make it up to everyone once everything settles. This is another reason why I like my blog. I can let everyone know what is going on in my head with one post.

TMI

Read at your own risk.

Yesterday morning I woke up with a cautious stomach. Not really feeling sick - but could tell I needed to stick to soup. I thought I was doing better at 2:30 and opted for some chocolate cake for my boss' 40th b-day. By 3:30 I was feeling worse and even threw up at work. I wrote to my professor and let her know I could not make it to class. I headed home and sure enough threw up on the way home - thank heavens for plastic sandwich bags. This continued through the evening with violent episodes. Thanks goodness my Sweetie takes such good care of me. I was aching all over when I needed to go to bed so I took my good cough medicine - with codeine - to sleep deeper. The only problem is that I am groggy until 12 hours from the time I took the medicine. This combined with a bad headache and feeling less than perfect led to me sleeping an hour late. I woke up still feeling bad - but mostly groggy. Sure enough threw up again - this time was bad because nothing was left in my belly. I gathered some crackers and a mountain dew and headed to work. So far so good - however I am still exhausted and stomach hurts.

Now that I made everyone's day - I think it is food poisoning. And I hate to say it - I think it came from the shower. The one good thing is that I have lost weight. Can't say this is how I would like to lose the weight - but hey trying to find the silver lining. I have only been at work for an hour so I can't leave yet - prob will go home at noon - if I can make it. I would take my sinus infection over this any day of the week.

The Weekend

Well, this weekend was there. Friday night after I finished my bottle of wine - ok small bottle that holds one glass - I went out with my mom to get Dark Diva something special. I selected a purple suede journal to help her with her thoughts.

Saturday was not good - I was very low and wanted to stay in bed and cry. Luckily my Sweetie was there to help me and get me out of the house. He was the best all weekend. He always tries to make it all better. We went to the Apple store - what else will help end depression :-) The evening ended with best friend, moto diva, Dark Diva, and myself at Kerby Lane for dinner. We needed a place to sit and talk that was not too loud and where they would not shove us out the door. This place always cracks me up. My Sweetie worked as a bus boy when I met him- yep a job and a car. We were there from 7-11 just talking. Dark Diva is doing ok. She has taken the control route and taking care of things to keep her mind busy. It was a good visit.

Sunday was fun. My pregnant friend had a shower. She got a lot of cute items and more socks than she will know what to do with. She is due on Halloween. This is interesting because that was my due date - of course my birthday is the 12th - 2 weeks late. The other interesting thing is that she lives in a house almost identical to my parents house when I was born. Who knows maybe she will have a Missy. I test for the first section of the CPA the Friday before Halloween. So when she started saying how long she has until she has a baby, I started stressing because that is how long I have until I test :-)

After the shower and weekly grocery store visit - my Sweetie took very good care of me and making sure to keep my mood elevated.

All in all it wasn't a bad weekend.

My Boy

I have several cats (the exact number right now is to be determined). However, only one is my boy. This boy is the best kitty ever. He snuggles and takes care of me. I call him my stuffed animal who came to life. I know that after he goes to the rainbow bridge (many many many years from now) he will be the one that I long to replace. I walked in from work this evening to find him sleeping on the couch that you can see from the doorway. He stretched and moved him head under a throw pillow. All my emotions from the day came to a head as I walked towards this beautiful orange creature. I walked directly to him, kneeled by the couch and proceeded to cry into my kitty. Not all cats will let you do this, or even care if you cry. He knew I was upset and let me hold him while I sobbed. He didn't even mind his fur wet with tears. He is 5 years old and has been a wonderful creature every day. He is my furry child. He understands me the best.

Hard Day

I am having a very hard day, and it is only morning. I mentioned before that September is always hard on me. I expected this one to be worse and I am correct. Heard from best friend last night. We (best friend, moto diva, and I) and getting together with Dark Diva this weekend. I have been trying to think of something to do for Dark Diva that would be special from those who know. This has brought back so many feelings. I am sitting here at work tearing up. I miss my father so badly today that my stomach, heart, and throat ache. I don't want to be here right now. Don't want to be around anyone. What I would really like is to take a very long walk - wherever it leads me while listening to emotional music and letting the built up tears flow. I think I will try to write some poetry today, always has helped in the past.

I think the part that really gets to me is how much my father has missed. In the last seven years I have gotten married, bought a house, finished school, continued on for my MBA, qualified for the CPA, walked two half marathons for charity, and got a great job.

I will go this weekend to visit Dark Diva. I will try to hold back some of my emotions. I will resist the urge to run from this event. I don't think I will make weight watchers tomorrow. Instead I will try to go for the walk that I need. I need to work through this. Not "get over" but get into a better place. Yes, even after 7 years it hurts. But I think all of the circumstances this year makes the pain worse.

I tend to keep my emotions inside - don't want to bother others. I need to remember that those around me love me and want to help.

I need to go shopping.

Music Time

Silent All These Years
~Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes

Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah I can hear that
Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know
But nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me
You never shut-up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid
in these jeans of his
with her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These Years

So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thougts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best praya that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you
My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a heaven
Where some screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker
Do you think it's enough
To get us there

Cause what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With our name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These...

Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
If I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds
Raining in head
Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy Easy Easy

Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby don't look up
The sky is falling
Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
It's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you here
Take hold of my hand
Yeah I can hear them

But what if I'm a mermaid
in these jeans of your
with her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice

And it's been here
Silent All These Years
I've been here
Silent All These Years

Good Morning

In spite of feeling awful last night and still groggy from my cough medicine this morning - the morning is beautiful. At around 60 degrees it is perfect for me. This made me very happy. However, it also made me want to stay outside and not come into the building. My office is in the middle of beautiful trees with a nice neighborhood as a backyard. So the quiet cool morning is enhanced. I have to get rid of this infection so I feel up to walking again.

From now through February my schedule is busy. This does not mean that I do not have time to hang out or that I am going to become a hermit. This week is my 6th week of the BEC CPA review and the 1st week of the REG review. From here on out I will have to study for two sections at a time. This is doable if I stick to my schedule. I really enjoyed my study time on Monday. I hope that this continues. I think I figured what will work for me. And in the end I am the one who has to take the tests.

This is definitely going to be a fun and exciting semester.

Dark Diva's Loss

This weekend was not all happy. However, I wanted to write about this in a different post. My friend, the Dark Diva, lost her mother on Saturday night. While driving she had a heart attack and did not survive. September is a hard month. Dark Diva lost her father in September 1999. I lost my father in September 1997. Hearing the news from my best friend really hit me. I never met her mother - but I have been crying for her pain, for her loss, and all losses. Dark Diva asked for some quiet time - which I can understand. I should see her sometime this week and will be able to see for myself how she is holding up. My Mother really likes all of my Diva friends so I called her to let her know. We are going to send a gift to show our support. However, not the normal "sorry for your loss" tokens. She will receive enough of those. I e-mailed Dark Diva and offered babysitting or anything else that might help. One thing that bonded Moto Diva, Dark Diva and myself during our camping trip was the loss of our fathers. She knows we understand loss and hopefully she will let us help.

September is always hard for me. I can always tell a difference in my emotions and my state of mind. This one is going to be even harder - good thing I have CPA to distract me.

I cannot say it enough - don't wait until tomorrow to tell someone how you feel.

Love my ipod

OK so it took a couple of weeks but I finally imported a lot of music over the weekend into itunes and, of course, into my ipod. I must say I finally really understand how it is different than a discman - I was in a bubble bath listening to shuffle that consisted of Sarah Brightman, Sarah McLachlan, and Blue Man Group. I am at work now listening as I work. I don't listen to music because I worry about bothering others around me - work in a cube. I can get used to this :-)

Weekend Update

My weekend was good. Friday we went and saw Hero - it is a beautiful movie.

Saturday was a lazy day ending with a date night with my Sweetie. We went to dinner and came home to capture a kitten and its mother - we have fed the mother for a year now and want to make sure that she doesn't have any more babies. That was definitely exciting and not really expected. They are living in our guest bathroom until we can get them to the vet.

Sunday was the normal grocery store and such as well as visiting good friends.

Unfortunately when I woke up on Monday I was not feeling well - my luck with a holiday. My Sweetie planned to play his game all day to let me study. In spite of feeling sick I am proud to report 3 hours of quality study time.

I am afraid that I will be back at the doctor's office again this week. If I am not feeling better soon I am sure he is going to run some tests. What if he finds out that I have evolved and am better than human?

Still Infected

On Monday I started to feel bad again, much like with my sinus infection at the end of July. I thought it might be a cold because the Dark Diva told me she had one from Friday (when we babysat) through Monday. So I have been taking my vitamin C and other holistic items to reduce the length of a cold. Well yesterday it was worse, still able to go to work - but feeling like crap. So I went to the doctor and found out that I am still infected. In spite of feeling better for two weeks, the infection remains. He gave me some more antibiotics, this time 14 days worth, and allergy medicine. He said I should feel better before Saturday - which is good because I have a date with my Sweetie. I am in a great mood today. It is close, which I love because I am so busy, and Friday. YEAH!! And a three day weekend.

I Love Fall

I do. It is my favorite time of year. Where the temperatures are ok for shorts but you might want a light sweater, where the wind is cool with a hint of cold, the leaves falling, pumpkin candles, chili (mom makes it for me every year), the shorter days (love driving home in the dark), my b-day, my best friend's b-day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and mornings that call for me to go outside and walk. I think that is why I am in the best mood today. While I have not gone outside since I got to work - the weather bug shows the top temp at 80 and currently 79. This is fall, baby. I work by a large window and I see a partially grey sky and I smile. I want to get home and walk - might not be able to tonight - but I will be out there tomorrow enjoying this time of year. I will not let everything that is going on stop me from enjoying this season.

Psyched

I am in a great mood today. Don't know why, but I won't complain. I am really excited about the CPA exam and am even looking forward to my marathon study sessions on the weekend. I am happy with my classes so far and know the semester is going to be stressful - but I am focusing on passing two CPA exams and finishing two classes. It is going to be good. This is a marathon just like I have successfully completed before, the only difference is that this one involves my brain. After all, the test itself is only 2.5 hours. I have had college tests last longer than that. I also discovered that my first portion will not have any writing on it, this means that I should get my score quickly - in theory at least. The TSBPA has the expected release of grades as January for my tests in October and November and April for my tests in January and February. We shall see. All I know is that in 6 months I will have this exam complete. I can do this!