even I stumble
I fall hard and hurt like hell
how do I focus?

doubt abilities
things I want to do must wait
must dig deeper now

much disappointment
must pick myself off the ground
I must try again

Taking a break

Just a quick drop in -

• I have been crazy busy studying
• L is now pulling up to standing and letting go without falling right away - yikes
• Bug is awesome as awesome sauce - she still amazes me daily
• She and I have a girls' day planned for after my test
  
• Sweetie has been AMAZING - he is the best husband ever, he supports me, makes me laugh, and dreams with me
• After my test, I have a "to-do" list that is a mile long
• Can't think about that now
• Before my test on Friday I am going to my school to finish my last minute studies and to ground me - I figure the place where I did my best is the perfect location
• I have my work weigh in on Thursday since I won't be at work Friday
• Looks like I am not paying once again - down 34.2 since after L - woot
• I am back to the weight I was when I joined the at work weight watchers Nov 2007
• Now it is nearly 12 and I must get to bed - night night
  

When you arrive at a cliff, look across and see a beautiful landscape, do you walk all the way around safely or do you gather quickly what you can to make a glider, run, close your eyes, and jump?

Nothing in particular, just an urge.

smiles

I am having the best weekend. I completed the first race since Thanksgiving 2008. And I am happy to say that I did awesome. L was great and never made a noise, and I was able to cross the finish with Bug and Sweetie. I know a 5k isn't a big race, but it was a big one to me. It proved to me that I can do it, that I am back in the game.

And with my weight, everyone seems to have noticed it this week. It makes me smile and want to keep going. That is why I ate a healthy brunch after the race, and why I chose fruit while studying this morning at Starbucks.

Now off to finish my weekend with my family.

Put your hand up

Come on everybody, everybody clap their hands..
Can you give me a M-I-S-S-Y, alright now, Can you give me a R-U-L-E-S
That's right, that's right, everybody clap your hands

Hee hee - Sorry, but I am not one to toot my own horn, so this is where I do it.

Yesterday, when I weighed in I hit my mini goal of 30 pounds - 30.2 actually :-) This makes me so happy - only 2 pounds left for the work 10 pound challenge. Next goal - to weigh what I did at SIL's wedding in Jul '07. This one isn't far as I am only 1 pound away. I picked goals that I could relate to and strive for ex. weight at graduation, weight starting HES, so on and so forth. Some are closer together than others, but it works for me.

And true to form, have me see good results and I stray. I had icecream last night, high lunch today - but I made sure to count it all - not going to stop now. And honestly, when I entered everything into the computer, I felt in control again.

I need to update my sidebar with my new weight goals - currently I am 13 weeks and 9 pounds away from my anniversary goal.

all around me

Last night was a date night for Sweetie and me. We went to a free showing of Social Network by Gowalla. It was fun. While this is not my first Gowalla event, it is the first one since I joined as a user. And this event was the first time that my alias was mentioned. Sweetie made sure those he knew knew my name on the game. Before the movie, we went with a friend to have a drink. It was a lot of fun and I felt like I was doing an adult event, lol. And yes, I tracked every point. This has been a high week, Boca de Beppo on Thursday and Alamo Drafthouse on Friday - but I did awesome. It wasn't until today and I ordered a hamburger at sonic that I went over. Damn 13 point burger. Somehow in my brain it was going to be 6 or 7. It is all good, no worries.

Today was busy and laid back at the same time. Sweetie had a 5k this morning with BestFriend. We then had a b-day party for a friend from Bug's old school. While I adore our new school, I miss our little group. I need to make sure we all get together more often, for the girls and for the moms. We then had a soccer game. It was a good match and a beautiful day. L was awesome and played on a blanket with me while looking cute, not too hard at all.

It is funny, I have been blogging for six years now. Sometimes often, sometimes not so often, but always has been the same blog. Even though in this time friends have come and gone who know this address, I have not changed it. I really don't care what they think, I have nothing to hide. However, it is always a little odd for me when a friend/relative says "I read your blog". Yes, I put it all out here for the whole world to read, but in my mind no-one does. H told me today that I look good and complimented the weight loss. She then told me she reads my blog. *Hello H hope I am not boring you too much* And regardless of who it is that says this, even BestFriend, I instantly start thinking "what have I written lately, should I be embarrassed?" The answer is always no as I don't write anything that would truly embarrass me. I think the main thing is I don't consider myself interesting enough to have anyone want to read what I have to say. I am not as gifted as Katie (if you are looking for a fun blog to read, this is a great one), I just write for myself.

OK back to the your regularly scheduled programming. I should be studying. I will. But man it is amazing what I feel motivated to do while procrastinating studying, I want to clean out the pantry, sort laundry, clean out closets. So I was thinking today - why is this? I know this stuff for the most part, I just need a crash course in some of the formulas and definitions. But what if I don't pass? This is the second time to take this test. And failing the first time - regardless of the technical difficulties that occurred that threw me off my game, it was still seeing those words at the end of the test "FAIL". I want this certification so badly. I am at a place where I feel that I need to pass. OK enough of this, I have seen the lovely words "PASS" on the first test and I can do it again.

Now I am off to do a mock exam.

no holding me back

I am so pumped. Yesterday I actually walked before work - I did the last day of the week 2 interval training program we are doing. Tonight I did the first of week 3. Sweetie is so far ahead of me on week 11 now. But I feel good. As life as Missy goes, I have a detailed spreadsheet on my training. Keeping my goal in mind and having a "training plan" has me more dedicated. I have six months, way more than enough time. I know that I have successfully trained for two half marathons in that time frame. However, this time I want to focus on my speed, I have always been slow - I blame it on the short legs. So I will be doing the intervals during the week and then a long walk on the weekend, much like my TNT training. That with a few 5ks and I will be prepared, yay!! I also need to get L used to the stroller and riding for several miles. Tomorrow will be the first attempt at this with three miles. I know he will do great. I bought T shirts for the kids for the Pink Heals race - so they will be there showing off their daddy's logo.

So the focus: family, study, walk, family, study, walk, family, study, walk - wash, rinse, repeat

flexibilty

Being an adult is about being flexible. Working around kids, friends, work and family schedules. Sometimes this involves plans, plan b's, plan g's. So I am working on keeping going on my weight loss without obsessing. Controlling what I can but not obsessing about what I cannot. There will be days that I cannot workout (like all of last week), days that I want chocolate (like today), and days that I do everything right and don't lose due to my thyroid. So I am revamping my goals officially.

My goal for 13th anniversary is to weigh less than on our 10th anniversary vacation. My goal for L's 1st b-day is to weigh at least what I did for Bug's 1st b-day. The goal of the 10k has not changed. I have a few races that I plan to do before my main focus.

Ok just wanted to update now back to my other goal, my guest - time for studies.

how things change

Today was one of those days that showed how things have changed. We enjoyed a lazy morning watching Disney and Lucas and snuggled for a nice little nap. There was a time when we watched the news but that has changed. Then the excitement started with the search for a pillow pet. Three of her classmates have them, and as there are only 8 in her class (including her), we needed to get one to fit in. Our Target did not have the one she wanted so we tried another one today. We had the best time looking through the store, making notes for Christmas for the kids, planning on how we are handling two and keeping things "even". And while we did not find the pillow pet she wanted, it will be ordered tomorrow, we were able to get everything else on the list that Bug kept us to. The most routine task of purchasing diapers and formula was the kind of fun outing I hope Bug will remember. A wonderful lunch followed where L was crazy attacking his rat and sucking on cantaloupe. Bug even ate really well and earned her ice cream.

Browsing Michael's added more planning for the holiday season as well as L's 1st b-day. While at Michael's I had an older woman come over to admire L, I am very used to this as he is quite adorable :-) She commented on how cute both kids were and said I had a beautiful family. This is one of those rare moments where I actually felt my age. I felt like an adult with two kids, I know that sounds silly. But talking to this woman who spoke to me as an adult and not like I am a kid who needed advice made me proud. She told me she was 82 (which is totally awesome) and said her 51 year old has a 17 and 19 year old who just moved in with her. All she said was it was a time of transition. But like any good grandma, she said no matter what kind of transition there was, she was there for them. That made me smile. Now she also made the comment that she was shopping alone to get some time away from them, and that made me chuckle.

After a quick visit with friends and dinner at the mall, requested by Bug of course, I made my request for the evening. I wanted a bubble bath without kids, with my ipod and a glass of wine. As soon as we got home Sweetie started prepping everything. It started out as I planned, with my new favorite wine, vanilla bubble bath, and my music. Then Bug came in to check on me. Man I love that kid, but I wanted some me time. I convinced her to come back later. In 5 seconds she asked. Sure I agreed to this as she is speaking with a lot of numbers and time frames that she doesn't fully understand. But not this time, this time she came back in actually 5 seconds, lol. I gave in and let her join me. While this was not the plan, it turned into an awesome time. I enjoyed a lovely spa treatment of her washing my hair and scrubbing my back. I hugged her tight and we were quite silly with the word mango.

Sweetie didn't realize she had gotten into the tub with me as he was tending to a L. He was so apologetic and promised me that tomorrow I will get my alone bath. I need to tell him that it turned out what I really needed was girl time. It has been six years since we conceived this gift from heaven. She is so amazing and in tune with me. There is a reason for this as she is so much like me. And yes, this leads to conflict at times. We have to have something offset the good, right? But overall she knows when I need a hug or an 'I love you'. And she knew I needed my hair washed and silly talk.

Sweetie is now at Alamo Drafthouse enjoying a boy movie with my Brother. After he left, I did Bug's nails, we watched a little TV, and now all three of us are on the big couch falling asleep waiting for Daddy to return.

That is my exciting big Saturday. And I wouldn't change one thing about it.

TGIF

This week has been crazy. But this time crazy good. This week has also had me "off". I have not exercised since Sunday. I have still been good with my eating, but I need to move my body. This weekend is studying, cleaning, studying, exercising, and studying. Six weeks until my test, this is go time. I can do it, I can pass this so I can begin the holiday season feeling accomplished.

Bug is back in soccer, not sure I mentioned it. This is her third season. Mia Hamm she is not. But right now this is about fun, hanging out with cool people, and moving her body. I am so happy with this organization. She is with the same coach. He is awesome and very positive. Plus everyone I have met through this adventure has been awesome, I am looking forward to these relationships growing.

Things have been so busy, I have been missing my friends and family. Luckily everyone understands, or I hope they do. In six weeks I hope to be more available. I also hope to be more caught up at work.

I just have to give props to Sweetie. He has always been so supportive of my studies. He is kicking me out of the house this weekend so I can study. I truly appreciate his help, support, and awesomeness.

In other news, another two weeks until I test my thyroid again - I guess I am all about the tests these days. I know I am still off, my focus is off and hair still coming out. I just want it regulated so I can lose this weight a little faster. I am already altering my 13th anniversary goal, hoping for my original but with a more realistic version in my head so I don't get disappointed.

Now I have to figure out what to do for this anniversary. I like the number 13 and it seems like a cool anniversary. However, since Sweetie's awesome planning of our 10th and taking me on the best vacation ever, he said he is not planning this one, lol. He also said he wouldn't go to a haunted hotel. Doesn't it seem fitting to do something like that for 13th? But no, the restrictions are no ghosts. The nice thing is our anniversary falls on a Monday. We are planning on taking it off and enjoying a long weekend. I know that whatever we do will be awesome, as long as we are together.

happy

Today was a great day. I was very busy. Busy when it is something I like is good. I have been creating new procedures, documenting, and making progress - that makes me happy.

I am also motivated. I have to study - this is a given. But I have a lot to look forward to and work for. Oct 28th, I weigh in at work for the 10lb challenge, Oct 29th my test, Oct 31st Halloween, Nov 3rd Sarah McLachlan. WOO HOO!!!!! Now I have to get my butt in gear. I have some goals, some lofty and some realistic. Passing is not the lofty one. I have to pass. I am at a point where I need to show that I am progressing.

My family simply amazes me on a daily basis. The interaction with Bug and L, watching Bug learn in kinder, watching L all but crawl (he gets across a room but technically is not crawling), feeling the warmth when I get home from my husband, and feeling like I am doing good with me - makes me smile. I am so very thankful and appreciative of what I have.

Now back to work, I got a lot to do :-)

on the verge

of something. Not sure what. I want to workout and walk right now. Not odd normally, but it is a feeling I have to my core, movement, escape. I want to make my body move and feel the soreness from a good workout. I feel on the verge of an emotional outbreak, crying or screaming, laughing or singing, I am not sure which.

No, this is not a pity party post. It is more of an observation for me to look back later once this passes over. Maybe it has to do with Mercury - I don't know. That should be better on the 12th.

My normal quiet work environment has me listening to music, and Sarah at that. This could be good or bad. Sarah has helped me through so much. I can tell you what emotional hell I was going through with each album. This is something I crave when I need to work through something - not always bad. At work lately if I listen to anything it has been Venus Hum, Coco, or something else mood lifting and silly.

It is probably the crazy amount of rain we have had combined with needing to study/work and wanting to feel in control of something - SHHH universe you did not hear me, I am not trying to control, I just want the illusion of control. I think that is why I am doing good with my diet and exercise - please note I did not say losing weight, I know that is out of my power - but the actions are mine and I own them.

weight loss update

I have now lost 26 pounds, YAY! I weighed in yesterday and was quite happy with my loss, exercising seems to work :-)

It's all about me

Well, that is the joke anyway. That everything in the world really is about me. It is funny as I really do not feel this way. But in one sense I do think that people come into my life for a reason.

There was a reason I responded to the Team in Training flyer in 2003. I discovered an amazing organization. Because of this, I had the wonderful opportunity to work in my dream job for 7 fun months. Unfortunately, the bills piled on and student loan payments started, I simply could not stay at the non-profit level. I left feeling very strongly about the programs that LLS provides. And at a very hard time in my life I found Deb's blog. I sat in the LLS office reading her story, in tears, having it hit closer to home due to her cancer. She gave me hope, she reminded me that not all parents get to tuck their children into their beds every night. She gave me another outlook on my own issues. When she passed away, it hurt. I had only met her once while chatting other times. I was so moved we even went to her funeral. This was very out of the norm of my introvert personality. I will forever remember Deb.

"Remember to cross your bridges and NOT take a single breath for granted." I read this today on another friend's blog who has had another huge impact. She fights cystic fibrosis, and she is quite a fighter. She was a friend of Sweetie's dad and I am always reminded of him when I think of her. She knew us when we were young and stupid, and somehow still likes us, lol. Unfortunately, due to her illness we have not seen her in a long time. I now have two germ factories with me and the bottom line is my fear of getting her sick - that would break my heart. Luckily, there is blogging and facebook. Her positive attitude and constant fight reminds me to never take health for granted, to never take a breath for granted. I send her all my prayers and positive energy to continue the fight.

The other huge impact is BestFriend. She came along at a time when my "friend" was very negative. She taught me a friend can be your biggest fan. She reminded me to not take my marriage for granted, that a pink wig in Starbucks can make the best day, and silly is something needed on most days. She also taught me to never take my fertility or children for granted. And because of her, I don't. I can honestly say that I take time each day to thank God for my family. I look forward to many more lessons from her, as I am not letting her get away any time soon. We have a contract, after all.

Now I do not believe these people exist because of me and my issues. No, but I do believe they are in my life to teach me lessons and to sharpen my focus. The same is with the ones who were negative, they taught their own lessons, to appreciate what I have, to lighten up, and that I cannot control everything in this world. A younger version of me tried, and failed. That is something huge that has changed in the last 6 years. I have let go of a lot, tried to stress less, and to surround myself with those who amaze me. Johnson & Johnson is correct, a baby changes everything. That is something I take pride in, the fact that I can see how I have changed and matured over the years. Every event, situation and person had an impact.

It is funny, right now my focus is on weight loss, but it is for health, not to get into my size 2 shorts again. Before, I would get obsessed with focus on the end, anything less was failure. And sure enough this failed. I was dealt hands that, once again, were not in my control. My thyroid broke and I gained 30 pounds in less than a year - and didn't even lose while training for a half marathon. Then I finally lose weight after Bug only to find out it is because my thyroid went the other way and the medicine would cause weight gain, hello 30 pounds back. Then my meds were the wrong dosage and hello another 30 pounds. This put me in a place where I had 76 pounds to lose (only 53 left now). This made me "hit bottom" and change my mindset. This time I have many mini goals and rewards along the way and I am trying to live my life and not try to lose as fast as I can. This is the first time that my priorities are truly, losing it for me, losing it for my health, losing it for my family. Luckily, Sweetie is so awesome and has been watching the kids at a moments notice if I want to work out. This helps in the feeling selfish and mom guilt departments. This is just one of the ways that I can see myself change. I can truly appreciate it.

If there has been a couple of repeated lessons given to me over the years, one is about control. I do not have it. I never will. And trying to claim it only brings negative karma to me. I hope the universe understands that I have learned this lesson and do not need a repeat. The other is to appreciate what you have and not take anything for granted. This one, the universe can keep teaching me as wonderful people have come into my life with these lessons. This brings me to one of my favorite quotes; "Bloom where you are planted."...Mary Engelbreit. This is something I am truly focusing on, and have been for awhile, to appreciate what I have and to try and thrive in making it the absolute best I can.

Sorry for this being so long, I simply had a lot on my mind. Thank you for letting me get it out :-)

Gaining focus

With each day I am feeling more in control, more aware, and healthier. I am finishing my 7th week of tracking everything without depriving myself. This makes me feel like I truly am making lifestyle changes. I currently weigh less than I did in Jan 2009. I am focused on my real goal - to walk the Capital 10k in under 90 minutes and be within a healthy weight range for L's 1st b-day. When I declare my victory I will be where I was in 1998. But for now, one step at a time. Next goal - 30 pound loss. I know my weight loss posts are boring, but they are good for me.

Now I get to start a three day weekend. YAY! This weekend I am studying, working out, cleaning, organizing, playing with family, and most likely going into work for a few hours. That and a romantic evening with Sweetie one night. Hard to get out for a date night, so I am going to set up a romantic evening at home after the kids go to sleep. Wine, movie, games. Of course it is going to require us to stay awake, lol.

Bliss

Hard day at work - nothing bad just fixing things and having more to do. Came home and worked out for 1.5 hours. That helped a ton, we will see if I can move tomorrow - did way too many planks. I took a great shower - yes the shower again, but with kids being able to shower at my pace is wonderful. I came out to not only Sweetie have taken care of kids through my workout and shower but he also made a great dinner from scratch, salmon with tomato basil couscous. It was delish!!! I enjoyed a glass of wine and still have 4 points left for today without even getting into my weekly points or the 6.5 activity points I earned today. Yes, I am spoiled and I know it. Now I sit with my boy asleep on my chest. Nights like this remind me how lucky I am to have this wonderful family. I can face tomorrow with more focus now.

Big week

This is a big week. Bug started Kindergarten on Monday. She is so awesome. Her class has 8 kids in it. I think she is going to thrive in the private environment and then kick butt in public next year. Then there is tomorrow, it will be Bug's first trip to the dentist - yay.

Yesterday, I got to see the logo Sweetie has been working on. He has officially designed a logo for a 5k. I am beyond proud of him. As wearing a run shirt isn't out of the norm for me, I will have to make sure to put a "my husband designed this shirt" sticky on me :-) Wanna see it?

It makes me so happy. Now don't go and tell him that, we don't need him to get a big head. I am trucking along at work, and pulling my normal no eating, drinking, or socializing. This is not good. I must get up, get water, eat food, take breaks. I know it sounds simple. But it is so easy to get caught up in what I do and think "right after I finish this I will get lunch..Oh that wasn't bad, after I finish this next thing I will get lunch...oh fire to put out....where was I oh yes working on another project....wait it is 3, why haven't I eaten".

On the studying front I have just over 2 months to prepare. I think that is the time frame of my real focus when I passed the first section. It is just a matter of getting everything in in a day. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.

My boy is getting so big and awesome. He is truly a happy baby. Yes, he can complain and complain as he goes to sleep. But really, he is quite easy. Now he isn't sleeping through the night, but Bug didn't either until after a year, so why should I be surprised? It is just so neat to watch my recessive gene boy get a personality. Recessive you ask? So far it looks like he is going to be red headed, blue eyed, and perhaps left handed. Now all of this might change tomorrow - but right now it cracks me up and think he can do anything.

Well internet, I need to get back to studying. I just had to share some of the happenings of my household :-) Now off to study stocks, working capital, management, and marketing.

It's my Friday and I'll smile if I want to

Today is my Friday. Tomorrow, Bug and L's school is closed for a teacher workday. This works out well for me as Bug starts Kinder on Monday. WOW! How did she get so big? We are having a family day/weekend. Tomorrow is "anything Bug wants" day. I told her we will go where she wants, do what she wants, and eat what she wants. I hope it is as awesome as it sounds. We have been having some issues with her. I know it is due to all the changes and being five. Last night she was having a fit and Sweetie went in to talk to her. They both fell asleep. This was at 6:30. I let them sleep for an hour and then L and I went in to check on them, still passed out. I decided they both needed it and L and I hung out. Actually he took a nap too but then woke up to entertain me with the new sound he found. He is such a happy and silly boy. Well, I expected Bug to wake around 8 and then be up until 11 or later. Nope. Neither woke up until Morning. They both got 12 hours of sleep. I guess they needed it. Bug woke hungry and in the best mood. I have to admit I am a bit jealous as I only got 3.5 hours at a stretch last night.

Things at work are going. I am hoping we are coming to the end. I am really done with it. Plus I REALLY need to get on to studying. Oh and cleaning the house, organizing photos, exercising, play with the kids, date nights with Sweetie, sleeping, and....... Yep that is how my brain works, think of one thing and it leads to others and others. Though I have to admit with me working so much and being in so many meetings, Sweetie has missed me. I come back to my desk to find voicemails that consist of him saying he loves me or he misses me.

With my weight loss I have lost over 20 pounds now. I am very happy - but want more. I will be jumping for joy when I lose another 26.2. I won't be done, but I will be much closer.

crawling in

I have been stressed, I have been quiet and I have not been socializing how I need to. I also know I am not yet ready to come out of my hole. I hope my friends ans family will be patient. In the meantime, I need to focus on work, studying, and housework.

Inhale and EXHALE

My last week has been hectic to say the least. Working long hours, throughout the weekend, and logging in at night. It has been hectic. I think we finally made some head room tonight - yay. I also finally got away from the office for my thyroid test. I knew it was off and I was right. My synthroid is too low. This is another factor is why my weight loss has been slow - that and stress. But it doesn't matter, I am not going off due to the weight not coming off as fast as I would like, or stress, or emotions. Not saying I am perfect, I am simply going to do everything in my power to keep up this motivation. Sweetie is helping more than he will ever know. His tracking of what he eats has made it something we are doing together. His runs have been awesome and very inspiring to me.

Next week is the last week of summer. Bug starts kindergarten on the 23rd. I am so excited. Since she is going to private school I am not a nervous wreck. I already know the school and teachers, that helps a lot. Now talk to me next year and I will be a mess, lol.

OK off to log into the system and get to the end of this whole reconciliation. I want to start 2010.