thoughts

Not sure where this is going. All I know is that I need to write. So far I am not moving my blog, I may at some point, who knows.

I did not pass my test. The testing site had a network shut down for an hour, I wasn't as prepared as I thought, the week before had extra stress...the list goes on and on. I thought I was ok with it, well really I am. But a part of me is disappointed, as I am human.

My thyroid is doing so much better. I have been on my meds for 7 weeks. I get my blood tested tomorrow. I hope the results prove that my thyroid is on track, I feel that it is. My skin is not better at all. But no one wants to treat anything while I am contemplating pregnancy. Ugh. That is frustrating too. We have not been fully trying. No tracking, no ovulation kits, nothing crazy, simply not preventing. I go back and forth whether I want to just stick with Bug and no more. Then I see siblings and I want her to have that relationship. But the truth of the matter is that I don't know how long it may take. A lot has changed with my health since having Bug.

The worst part of a miscarriage, other than the loss, is everyone knows you want another. They are watching and waiting for me to get pregnant again. If I am sick, they wonder, if I do anything different, they contemplate. Nothing is said to me, but I know it is there. My boss is wonderful, the best I have ever had. I know his wanting to learn all aspects of my job is his fear that I am going to be needing a maternity leave sooner than later. He would never ever ever say it in that way. And the way I wrote it comes across badly. Nothing like that. More like he wants to make sure we have our bases covered in case of a medical leave needed. He hasn't said anything, I am only assuming. And I don't want to wait, but I worry. And there is that I am scared. As I said above, I am human. Of course I am scared.

I am frustrated by my weight. With my thyroid at a normal range, I know that I can lose, I just need to get off my butt. In an attempt to motivate myself I had my family join the Texas Roundup Family Summer Challenge. The goal is to exercise 150 minutes a week for 8 weeks. I am hoping it works. A little motivation can go a long way. At least that is what I keep telling myself.

The good news is that I am in a cleaning and fix it up mood. We have visited some beautiful houses lately. While we cannot afford to move at this point, we want to improve our space. We have plans for the front yard, floors, and painting.

Yes, planning and laughing and being silly and hard work - that will make it all better.

And the cycle begins again

Thankfully I received a call on Tuesday that my thyroid is hypo again. I knew it was, but do to standards vs new standards I was worried that I would still be "normal". I am having a ton of symptoms so I was prepared to go in with a fight. No fight needed. I am hypo and back on synthroid. Hopefully in the next few weeks I will feel better. My thyroid went hypo back in 2002, diagnosed in Jan 2004. It turned hyper after having Bug, then normal, and now hypo again. Now I wonder if I will be going hyper again. Is the cycle going to repeat?

My car is going to take longer than 5 weeks. This just blows my mind. I love car pooling with Sweetie. The only issue is that he doesn't have AC and summer is here.

I have been cleaning today. Going through old things. I feel like when I was very depressed in 2006 that I stopped doing some things. Hard to explain. But the closet I am going through has things that I just shoved in there and never put away or used. Kind of emotional and empowering at the same time. I can see how far I have come from that point. I can appreciate the need to go through a hard time to grow and come back stronger.

I am doing good. I am happy about the results of the tests. Now I feel like I can start to lose weight and feel better overall.

OK I have to get back to Bug, she is so much fun and a big help today.