Blog Block

Blogging has been "less than" lately. I love to blog, I love getting my thoughts out into my own little space, I love that others reading me. But I want it to have more purpose. It is my journal and these are my thoughts. But what is my point? Do I need a point?

The CPA exam is a huge stress for me right now. I have not been able to study as much as I would like. I have been listening to my lectures while working. I have learned that working in a cube has made my ability to zone out to reach a new level. I can completely not pay attention to this boring stuff. I am working on it though. It has to help, maybe it will get into my brain without me having to pay attention.

I think my thyroid is going to be on my mind for the rest of my life. I will wonder if I am hypo, hyper, healthy. I will question every feeling - is it starting again? I test myself to see if my brain is in a fog, BestFriend does the same. I seem to be "on". I don't want to go back on the medicine. I spent 8 months of 2007 over medicated and it was horrible. I don't want that again.

Work is going well. I can not get used to having a boss who listens, jokes, and understands mistakes if you own up to it and put in efforts so things do not happen again. Oh and the big one, he goes to bat for me. I have not had that since HES. It is a strange concept, that people aren't out to get me. And co-worker A is awesome. She takes care of me. If I am having a bad day she brings me diet coke and chocolate. And she talks me up when I am not there - or at least I think she does - there I go paranoid again.

My Bug is awesome. She is smarter by the day. Don't get me wrong, she is not a genius, and I don't want her to be. But her memory is amazing me. And she and I are able to talk now and interact in an awesome way. I love the little hard headed girl that she is. And I worry that everything will change with a second child. I loved being pregnant and I want Bug to have siblings but I worry. This is so much harder than deciding for the first one. And then there is my health, I worry I will have to go through everything I did after having Bug again. And then again, wouldn't it be worth it? When you ask if she wants a baby brother or sister she shakes her head no very dramatically. I think she knows another one would mean sharing. I never wanted a baby brother or sister. I was quite content with being the baby. I knew I didn't share well and never wanted to learn how. So I worry.

And our house. I love our little house. But I do want something bigger, something with more storage. We bought our house thinking we would be there a couple of years. Nine years later we are still there. We love our house. I love how open it is. We just need to organize. I don't want to move only to be stuck with a higher mortgage and find out the maternity leave here isn't what I was told, 100% of pay. And there is so much to do on our house for selling, and the market isn't great. Though based on our neighborhood we could potentially sell for 70k more than what we owe on it, so that makes us happy. We are going to work on getting it sale ready knowing full well we might just decide to stay a tad longer. Plus we have two wild cats we feed, yes I know you feed them and they never leave. We have two inside - two of the most spoiled cats in the world. You would think they never stepped foot outside. As long as they are coming to the back door, I don't see that we can leave. What if the next people don't feed them?

My weight loss is slow. I wish it were faster but I am not about to give up everything in order to lose quickly only for it to come back faster. And I have to remind myself that I am about 15 pounds lighter than SIL#2's wedding. That is awesome. But I feel slow compared to others in our at work group. I have to keep going, each pound makes me healthier. And I am like 38 pounds less than I was at my highest in 2004. All about being healthy.

Sweetie is so awesome with supporting me. He gives me time to get mani/pedis, he offers to take Bug out of the house so I can study, he notices when I clean and makes sure I know how much he appreciates all that I do, and he helps me with my work outs. I am very lucky and I know it.

I know some who are going through rough marriages right now. I hate it. I want to make it better. But ultimately I think if you aren't happy - change something. And if changing doesn't work, perhaps leaving is best. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy marriage. As I say, neutral is not an option. Make your life what you want. Either make the marriage the one that makes you happy or find the life you need to live. Sweetie and I have had rough times. For us making changes and refocusing was the best. BestFriend also went through this and divorce was the best. I just think that being unhappy cannot be an option. That only brings resentment.

I truly am feeling good. I think my thyroid is normal. I am noticing the weight loss. I feel stronger with my workouts. I feel smart at work - I answered an accounting question for my boss today - yep he is a CPA. Things are good. Now I need to focus on paying my taxes - ugh still pissed that we owe, make a plan for home improvements (and a loan if needed), and keep up with my studying. If only I could function on less sleep or create more hours in the day.

This has been long. Thanks for letting me get all of that out. Not sure where this blog is going. That is the nice thing. I am in charge here and I will guide it as we go. Have a great evening. I am going to enjoy the beautiful weather with another installment of my walk/run workout.

doing my part

I had the beginnings of a crappy day. I did our taxes last night. Let me just say - new tax bracket sucks. Oh and owing sucks.

But other than that, yesterday was good. We voted - yep we have done our part until November. This is not a political blog, but I am very happy that my household is an Obama one. We also played in a park, did our grocery shopping, and enjoyed a great lunch.

Then in the evening I started my walk/run program. It consists of running for one minute then walking for three repeating six times. Bug and Sweetie went with me. They are the best. My little coach would run ahead of me and encourage me to keep going. I learned that I can run for a minute without dying or my knee screaming. And I also learned that my 2.5 year old can run damn near 2 miles. My ultimate goal is to catch up to her abilities.

Today is a rest from walk/running. My knee is doing good. I am all about going at this with a slow approach. I am always the most sore two days after a workout - so I will be watching my knee closely tomorrow.

Now I am off to read to my Bug.

Mario Party

We are at Mom's working on some handy man work. Sweetie and MIL are hard at work with plumbing. Mom, Bug and I are trying to stay out of the way. It is a beautiful day. I started it early with a 3 mile walk. That felt great. I took it slow and steady and enjoyed the weather, birds, and myself. I am sore today as I did some weights on Thursday night.

We received good news at work yesterday regarding WW at work. We are continuing if we meet the number required for the meeting. That would mean I would have meetings through 7/11. I think that would help a lot.

Tomorrow I am trying a walk/run program. We shall see if I am ready for it yet. I know that my knee might not be up for it yet. And reluctantly, I am ok with that. But I will never know unless I try.

And a HUGE THANK YOU to Thomas. Your comment made my day!!

I have a ton of studying to do tonight. I was hoping to get some done last night, but I got the worst headache yesterday. Sure enough, it turned into a full migraine. NOT FUN. I have not had one that bad in so long. But I was smart and brought everything with me so I can work from mom's if needed. I am determined to get this damn test over with.

Happy

I am feeling GREAT today and in the best mood ever. I don't know what it is, but I think I might have won my battle over the looming sickness. I want to move my body, eat right, and feel healthy. I went to lunch today with some co-workers and I ate so very healthy. Yay me.

AND the director of Bug's school, the one that has almost caused me to pull Bug from the school. The one who has changed the whole feel of the place. Her last day at our location was yesterday. Today we have a new director. The decision was made yesterday, talk about some fast turn around. I am feeling optimistic about this. I was so so so excited when Bug's teacher told me, it made my evening. If only the solution had been the old director coming back, but I don't think that would happen. So YAY!!!!! That means looking for another school can be put off until June.

check in

I am fighting getting sick. Grrrr. I really want to walk tonight, but I am not sure if I will be able to. I don't want to make myself worse. Some nasty stuff is going around the office.

A co-worker gave me the starter for the amish friendship bread. It is a 10 day process. At the end you have bread you get to eat and 4 more starters to give away. Today is day 10. I have no idea who to give my 4 starters to. It is like an edible chain letter.

I am having such trouble getting back into eating right and exericsing. I didn't take that long off, exercise 1 week and eating 3 days. But it still seems harder to get back into it. I think I just need a relaxing evening. Perhaps tonight will be the night for that.

Short and sweet. I also started my review for the REG section of the CPA last night. We shall see.

Happy Birthday Brother!

Happy Birthday Brother!!! I had a great time celebrating your b-day with you tonight. Thank you for including me.

And I swiped this from SIL#2, it is so very true: "You're 6:49 a.m.
You're the time of day right around sunrise, when the sky is still a pale bluish gray. The streets are empty, and the grass and leaves are a little bit sparkly with dew. You are the sound of a few chirpy birds outside the window. You are quiet, peaceful, and contemplative. If you move slowly, it's not because you're lazy – it's because you know there's no reason to rush. You move like a relaxed cat, pausing for deep stretches that make your muscles feel alive. You are long sips of tea or coffee (out of a mug that's held with both hands) that slowly warm your insides just as the sun is brightening the sky."


Bug is doing better, much better actually. She started feeling better yesterday, though I am so glad I kept her home the one extra day. She is acting silly again, eating again, and no more fever. YAY. Today was spent watching her closely making sure no relapse as of yet. It was rainy so I did not get my walk in. I hope to get it in tomorrow. We did enjoy watching the rain. And when it stopped the birds came out. We received a bird feeder for Christmas. It was my favorite gift, as silly as it sounds. It is simply so peaceful to watch the birds feed. Today was filled with little red birds.

Tonight was a lot of fun. Brother, a friend of his, BestFriend, Sweetie, and I all went out. The evening consisted of shuffle board, pool, laser tag, rock wall, bowling, and much laughing. It was a lot of fun and I cannot believe that I am still awake at this hour. Best part of the night "it's a pickle" from BestFriend who bit into a fried pickle that she thought was cheese.

I have eaten very badly this weekend. I did it with the excuse of Brother's b-day. But I know the truth is from the stress of the week. No excuses, just time to get back on track.

Plus my mom got a great check up this past week. I can't let her be healthier than me now can I?

So goals for this next week include studying, exercising, and eating healthy.

where I start to lose my mind

Home again for the 4th day. Bug is finally starting to do better, FINALLY. Yesterday her fever was back to 102. But I think the antibiotics are finally kicking in as she is being her silly self this morning. That brings much relief. Working from home, going in late at night and before the sun is up, just plain sucks. I feel like I am a world away from my peeps. Luckily I have a great boss. I have to keep reminding myself that he is not asshole boss. I am going in this weekend to get ahead. Bug and I tried to make a trek to work a few minutes ago. She was all ready and wanting to get out of the house. Of course, she fell asleep on the way. I came back home and she woke up. Grrr. I think we will try again in a little bit. She is dying to get out of the house and she is no longer contagious.

I have been worried about Bug, not sleeping well, trying to keep myself healthy, and trying to make sure that I keep up at work. Not fun. I woke this morning annoyed at the world. I check the calendar and there isn't a reason for me to be bitchy, at least not that kind. I keep dreaming about an ex-friend who treated me very badly. This frustrates me. I know how I have changed since her. In my dreams I am the way I used to be. Maybe that is to point out how much I have changed, I don't know. But she keeps getting in my head. And then I get a message on m*y*S*p*ace about this ex-friend. No, I do not know what she is up to now. Just like the creditors who call for her, I don't know. It has been so long since I even talked to her. Everything is different.

Tomorrow is Brother's b-day. Tonight is the family celebration - need to clean. Tomorrow is the fun adult outing. This sounds like fun. I just hope Bug is up for it.

And I am bitchy. I am not even fully enjoying it being Friday because it doesn't feel like it to me. I have not been working out this week. I need to make sure that I get a 4 mile walk in this weekend.

But my Bug is being so good. And she is starting to act like herself again. She is a silly silly little girl. I think along with some good napping, cleaning, and pampering, we need to make sure to get out of the house. And as I write this she just came up to me and "got me" and we had to dance. That was a nice little reminder.

And because I hate being negative on my blog - here are some pictures to thank you for your time.
Cross at church during Ash Wednesday Service: DarkDiva the BellyDancing Queen: Bug feeling better - yes she is chewing on her tongue: And this is the picture I get when I ask to take a picture of her with her balloon:

still sick

My little Bug is still sick. Her fever was at 102 this morning, grrrr. We went to the Dr today. She has to be home tomorrow too. That sucks as she has a valentine's day party then. I worked from home yesterday and went in last night. I went in this morning and looks like I have to go back tonight. Sometimes the balance between mom and work just plain sucks. I am just lucky that I have the ability to work from home.

sick

So much to post. Friday night we went and watched DarkDiva belly dance, simply beautiful. Saturday started early with the 6k, brunch, and a much enjoyed 3 hour nap. That evening Sweetie and I planned to enjoy a date night. Bug still has not forgiven us for leaving. She would not let us go for our date. Before we even got to the point of saying good bye she went to Sweetie and said "no leave me daddy". The evening was still fun. It just proves that a plan B is always good. Sunday was the normal errands and getting ready for the week.

Bug has been fighting getting sick. All last week we watched her, her teacher watched her. We expected her to get sick by like Wednesday. Over the weekend she seemed to be doing better but not 100%. The thing is that she was not sick sick, no fever, no real bad cough - she gets an allergy cough, and her energy was high. This morning when we dropped her off she was good. She waved to us from the play ground and seemed happy.

Come 2:30 and I get a call from her teacher. She didn't have a fever but she wasn't feeling well. She was screaming if anyone looked at her, she didn't eat, and she woke from her nap unhappy. When I picked her up she was crying. As soon as she got in my arms she put her head down to sleep. She didn't feel like she had a bad fever, but it is hard to tell with her. Sure enough when I got home she was at 101.3. She has not been over 99 all last week. She got some meds in her and is now sleeping. And all week I have taken my temp along with her, to show her "mommy does it too". Mine all last week was 98. Yep, I am close to 100 now. Grrrr.

Needless to say, Sweetie says no working out tonight for me. Now I must make sure I get better so I can get Bug better. I think I am going to have to work from home tomorrow.

SRC Day 7: Walk 2 miles - complete

My Friends Hurt

I have friends who hurt. It is in my nature to want to make it all better. In 2006 I experienced my worst depression. I have come so far. I can see that. But I am not solid yet. To tend to my mental, spiritual, physical and emotional health sometimes means that I go inward. I am an introvert. And when I am working on myself I don't want distractions and I don't want to bother others. Add in that I love my family and cannot get enough time with them, and I sometimes come up as a lacking friend. I do not mean to be. I adore my friends. And if I could take away all of their pain and give them a lifetime of happiness, I would. I offer what I can. And if that isn't enough, I am sorry. I have been hurt by friends so I am cautious to trust. My good friends understand this. They understand that I am focusing on my health, on the CPA, and on making sure that I stay doing great. But I still feel guilty about not always being there.

If only there were more hours in the day, if only I could do everything I want to do.

It just seems that most everyone I love is going through a rough time right now. Be it sadness, divorce, struggling to understand one's purpose, fighting for a marriage, lonliness, or just a bad day, it is all over my peeps' lives.

And I hate to admit it, but I am human. I can only do so much, offer so much, and get in so deep. That doesn't mean don't vent to me, converse with me, or seek me as support. I LOVE all of that. All I am saying is that if I am taking time for me, I will let you know. If it isn't a good time, of if I am feeling overwhelmed, I will tell you. That probably doesn't make sense, it does to me. What I mean is please come chat, talk, and vent. Don't worry about it being too much, I promise to let you know if it is. Yes, I think that finally came out right.

Right now I know I am in an inward phase. This means my friends will need to do the contacting because I will not be good at it. I am the worst at returning phone calls or emails. Those who love me understand this. This does not mean that I don't want to chat, to hang out, or make plans. All it means is that I am focused right now and I know myself. It is so easy to say "oh I am thinking about so-and-so" and not follow through. I am not making excuses, just being quite honest.

My point? Oh yes, my friends. They are going through rough times. I am so very greatful that I am in a good place right now and I can try and offer some help.

Sometimes it just sucks being an adult and facing adult issues.

SRC Day 6: Rest - complete

SRC Day 5: Walk 2.5 miles - complete

SRC Day 4: P90 circuit 1-2 - complete

SRC Day 3: Walk 3 miles - complete

taking control

I know my blog has been boring lately, talking about happy things and so on and so forth. But here is more :-)

When I received my news on Thursday about my thyroid, I was so very happy. I cannot describe what it did to me. While there is a part of me that is nervous that in May I will be back to Graves', most of me is relieved. I feel so different. BestFriend can tell the difference when I am off and assured me before I received the results that I was normal still.

So no excuses. No excuses for not losing weight, for not being able to concentrate enough to study, for not having enough energy to keep up with things (though I have not had the extreme tiredness since getting off my meds at the beginning of Sept). I have said many times before that neutral is not an option. Not with my health, my marriage, my career, my family.... You get the idea. Idle is not productive.

But what really gets me is the impact of that call. I am so motivated to study now. Though I am blogging instead of cracking the books, but Bug is at the end of a nap and might wake any moment, and I want some quality me time. I feel like I can do anything right now. Not that everything is perfect, it isn't and never will be and quite frankly, I don't want it to be. But I feel solid, that is the only way to describe it.

With my diet I am not focusing on being thin thin. Hell, I am not even focusing on the weight guidelines from WW. Instead, I want to get to a certain number, what I weighed when my thyroid broke. My body loved that weight, as I maintained it for a number of years. It is still considered overweight, and I don't care. That might sound odd as I keep promoting healthy lifestyles and such and being overweight is a health risk and associated with several diseases. My thinking is that the BMI calculation is so flawed. If IronDiva is considered overweight, and OMG she is sooo not overweight, then there is a flaw. It doesn't take into account muscle. So if I get to this weight and I am active and feeling good that is all that matters. And so I am starting my third week of actually following WW and tracking my points and planning.

With weight loss there is needed exercise. Tell me to do an aerobics class three times a week to lose weight and I will not attend. Tell me that I need to complete a certain number of miles in a week to complete a race, I am totally there. I need a training schedule and a goal. There is something about my walking. I weighed 30 pounds heavier when I started training for the halves and was a little over 20 pounds heavier when I completed my second. When I walk I feel able, I feel healthy, and I feel peaceful. Yesterday started my 100 days to the end of the Spring Race Challenge. In my schedule Fridays are rest days. So, yesterday was easy to accomplish. I did not workout and so I was successful. Today is day 2. I did two workouts for all intents and purposes. We took MIL and Bug to the park. We played, climbed, crawled, ran, and kicked the ball. It was a good workout. However, it was not what I had on my training schedule to do. After the fun, Bug went to sleep. MIL and Sweetie went out to spend some time together and I stayed with Bug. If Bug takes a nap at home chances are that I will nap with her. If she has slept at home, I think I have taken a good 99% of the naps with her. Not today. Though I was tired and sleep would have been fun, I took the opportunity to work out. I did my p90 cardio 1-2 workout with abs. After a nice shower, I feel refreshed and accomplished.

Not only that but before getting together with MIL, I decided to clean and organize our bathroom. Our bathroom is not the guest bathroom so it gets put on the back burner. Today I decided I had enough and I did something about it. I feel so accomplished today.

SRC Day 2: P90 Cardio 1-2 & abs - complete

Go Red for Women

Today is the American Heart Association's Go Red for Women Day. Are you wearing your red? Heart disease is the biggest killer of women. I feel strongly about this. I am lucky that healthy hearts run in my family, but I have to take care of myself. I am wearing red. Much like my involvement with cancer fighting charities, I feel this one is important. Both promote healthy lifestyles. And truly, I believe that is one of the main factors in our fight.

Not only am I wearing red, wearing my red dress pin, and my American Heart Association "Start" pin, but Mom and I are also giving blood today. Remember every 8 weeks you can give blood. And everytime you give blood, you save two lives.

So give blood, exercise, and eat right. Yes, that is the focus today. Plus I lost 3.2 pounds this week at weigh in. WOO HOO. I am doing good. This weekend is going to be about relaxing, exercising, studying, and trying to be productive. Sounds fun, huh?

SRC Day 1: Rest - complete