Bringing Sexy Back

Time to go deep again. My boss is on vacation so this week is crazy busy. Mostly self directed busy because I want him to come back and be like "WOW Missy is THE best employee ever, I will keep ignoring her coming in late and leaving early." But still, I find myself wanting to post today. Today is a rainy day and that always makes me look inward.

I said in an earlier post that I have been doing a lot of thinking. Well here is part of it. 2001 was a very bad year for us. Between lay offs and bad jobs and stress it was not good. I was lucky and was only out of work for 1 week. Sweetie was out for 16. This was a huge turning point in my life. I stayed in school through the stress- I worked full time while earning both my BBA and my MBA. My thyroid broke in the beginning of 2002. I gained weight. I was stressed. Life became about getting by and not planning. Things are changing. Now I am not saying the last 6 years have been completely horrible. Not in the least. I earned degrees, met some wonderful friends, completed two half marathons for LLS, and had my beautiful daughter.

However, I noticed something about me. I was focused on school. Then I was focused on school and pregnancy. Then I was focused on new baby. See where I am going. See how you can lose yourself. I realized that my clothes are all "get-by" clothes. Except for a couple of outfits for special occasions, all my clothing is the minimal amount to get by because of wanting to lose weight and not wanting to spend money on clothing that I will only shrink out of. My hair has even been the same way. I used to keep my hair short. Then I grew it out. I have really only cut my hair on a needed basis. I am not sure what I want to do with my hair, but I want something fun. The same goes for the house. Our house got out of control at this time, mostly because who can find the time to do housework when working 40+ hours a week and attending school full time. And now I see the CPA review coming up and worry about focusing on that and losing myself more. Nope, I cannot allow that.

I feel that I have been in a hole since 2001. No more. The ripple effect from that year is over. No longer. No longer will I think certain things were better before then.

So I am in a process of working on my self-esteem and me. I want to feel sexy and wonderful and most importantly me again. I am reclaiming control of all areas of my life. No longer am I going to settle for control over certain areas. I am going to live life today and not for "when" happens. In the past it was: when I finished school, when I had Bug, when I found a good job, when I passed the CPA, when I went into remission, when I lost weight. No more whens. Only now. Living for now.

My plan?

• I have five weeks until CPA review begins. I am going to use this time to work on me and my house. No miracles expected, no real goals. But I am going to focus on spending some time on me everyday. I am hoping to get the house in order. Nothing perfect, just more under control.
• As far as the weight, I am still trying to lose it. I am focusing on eating healthy and wonderful foods and my walking. I want to add yoga as well because I need more flexibility - but no rush. The goal is to move daily.
• Clothing, as I am an accountant, I cannot bring myself to buy new clothing yet. However, I am going to focus on accessories and such that make me feel special. That being said, I will be purchasing new outfits for the Blog Blowout and have already started the process of finding a great sundress for SIL#2's wedding.
• Hair, like I said, I am not sure what I want to do. I love the ponytail ease and look. However, I have thick hair and that makes for some head sweat. I am thinking of going shorter for the summer, like a short bob. Color? No idea.
• Hobby, I want to find something that is fun to do. Outside of work and CPA. Something that is relaxing. Not sure what yet, but I will find it.
• New experiences, the BlogBlowout is a big step in this direction. I cannot wait to meet these wonderful women. BestFriend is planning a tubing trip with the Divas, yay. And, of course, I am working on the next family vacation. Sweetie and I are wanting to go camping and enjoy nature.

Well, I am sure I bored everyone enough. I am excited and feeling very positive. I will keep everyone updated on my progress.

Exposed

If you have ever sat in an empty and cold bathtub while fully clothed and crying, you can appreciate how good it can make you feel for a little person to come into the dark room with a smile that can light up the world. You can appreciate how good it can make you feel to hear her talk to you while laughing. I am sure telling amazing stories - that include rubber duckies found in Mom's dungeon. You can also appreciate when she asks to get into the tub with you and all she wants to do is hug you. Full on bear hugs. You cannot help but cry while squeezing her. She lifts up and laughs. Not like she is laughing at you, but more like sharing happiness. Another hug and a kiss. All is right with the world again. She takes the best care of me.

I am good. Nothing to worry about. I was just experiencing some sadness last night. I cope by hiding. I hide from family and friends. I was sad, so I hid. But I had to share this. I had to share how she got me out of the tub. I had to share what a great little person she is. She does not just cry because I cry, she tries to make me feel better. She knows how happy hugs and kisses make me.

Sweetie worked to make me happy by doing dishes and running to the store for needed items while Bug took care of me. He returned with a yummy and healthy dinner.

So why the sadness? I still think it is my medication. I am going to call the Dr next week - if not tomorrow. I really don't want to half my medication without her knowledge. I have been experiencing sadness - nothing as dramatic like suicidal or anything like that, I am fully functioning - as well as exhaustion. That is the only way to say it, exhaustion and not fatigue. I pass out at night, which is good, but I am tired all day. These are things that can be related to my medication. Or I am simply messed up.

In spite of the tub incident last night, I had a good evening. Sweetie and I watched a movie, ate a wonderful dinner, and talked. That is always good. We were going to play split, but I fell asleep.

The holidays are here. Tonight is an informal gathering so I can meet HowieMaui's newest SIL. This is her first Christmas in the States. We are going to watch Christmas specials and bake. I need to make things for tomorrow's Diva gathering as well as Christmas Eve Eve on Saturday.

Bug had an ENT appointment yesterday. After, we went shopping for some Stocking Stuffers for Sweetie. We were quite successful. It really put me into the holiday spirit. I do love this time of year.

Today is my parent's wedding anniversary. 33 years ago they went to a JP and got hitched. I am ever so grateful for this.

Did I mention that I am tired?

I really don't want to work today.

I went to my girlie doc follow up appointment this morning. All went well. I will get the results next week, though I am not worried. But as a reward, I got a peppermint mocha from Starbucks. Yummy Yummy,

Sweetie is off from work today. He is shopping for me while doing some cleaning and picking up some needed items for my baking. He is too good to me. This meant, of course, that he wanted to have lunch with me. That was a very nice break.

Unfortunately, there was an accident. With Sweetie's ever expanding creativeness we had a casualty. The glass on our coffee table broke today. Sweetie was attaching rivets to a project. With the last one, the glass broke. We have discussed getting a new coffee table. I think I know what our joint anniversary gift will be.