thoughts

Not sure where this is going. All I know is that I need to write. So far I am not moving my blog, I may at some point, who knows.

I did not pass my test. The testing site had a network shut down for an hour, I wasn't as prepared as I thought, the week before had extra stress...the list goes on and on. I thought I was ok with it, well really I am. But a part of me is disappointed, as I am human.

My thyroid is doing so much better. I have been on my meds for 7 weeks. I get my blood tested tomorrow. I hope the results prove that my thyroid is on track, I feel that it is. My skin is not better at all. But no one wants to treat anything while I am contemplating pregnancy. Ugh. That is frustrating too. We have not been fully trying. No tracking, no ovulation kits, nothing crazy, simply not preventing. I go back and forth whether I want to just stick with Bug and no more. Then I see siblings and I want her to have that relationship. But the truth of the matter is that I don't know how long it may take. A lot has changed with my health since having Bug.

The worst part of a miscarriage, other than the loss, is everyone knows you want another. They are watching and waiting for me to get pregnant again. If I am sick, they wonder, if I do anything different, they contemplate. Nothing is said to me, but I know it is there. My boss is wonderful, the best I have ever had. I know his wanting to learn all aspects of my job is his fear that I am going to be needing a maternity leave sooner than later. He would never ever ever say it in that way. And the way I wrote it comes across badly. Nothing like that. More like he wants to make sure we have our bases covered in case of a medical leave needed. He hasn't said anything, I am only assuming. And I don't want to wait, but I worry. And there is that I am scared. As I said above, I am human. Of course I am scared.

I am frustrated by my weight. With my thyroid at a normal range, I know that I can lose, I just need to get off my butt. In an attempt to motivate myself I had my family join the Texas Roundup Family Summer Challenge. The goal is to exercise 150 minutes a week for 8 weeks. I am hoping it works. A little motivation can go a long way. At least that is what I keep telling myself.

The good news is that I am in a cleaning and fix it up mood. We have visited some beautiful houses lately. While we cannot afford to move at this point, we want to improve our space. We have plans for the front yard, floors, and painting.

Yes, planning and laughing and being silly and hard work - that will make it all better.

Still around

I feel inclined to post an update. Not sure what exactly what to say. Maybe it is because my boss is out of town, maybe it is stress, who knows. I have my next CMA test on Saturday. I am not feeling too good about it. I have not been studying. Life, Bug, Sweetie, and work has gotten in the way. It is what it is.
Things are stressful at Sweetie's work. I hate it. I want him happy. He deserves to be happy. All plans are on hold for now. I want to go home right now and get a game plan for him to find his happiness again.
So I have this test. If you remember back I was having issues with my Sjogren's and let the the head peeps for the testing know and they so graciously gave me another testing window free of charge. I am not fully prepared. I am stressed. I feel like I need to study, but sweetie needs me.
I am just feeling overwhelmed right now, and stuck. I want to plan, move forward. I want to get this testing done, plan a vacation, get the floors done. But I am stuck.

Nothing to worry about. I can unstuck myself. I just need a little venting from time to time. Perhaps I need a more private place to blog. Perhaps all I need is some time off.

Happy 4th Birthday!!!

Today my Bug turns 4. I cannot believe she is 4. The time has flown by. So much has changed since last year - with Bug and in Bug's world. I adore the kid she is becoming. I love her more every single day. Happy birthday dear wonderful Bug. I hope the day is wonderful for you!!!
Bug through the years:
2005 - 2006 - 2007 - 2008 - 2009 -

We will miss you Deb!

We will miss you Deb!
Originally uploaded by daisymouse

Deb left our world today. She was an amazing, motivating, brilliant woman. She leaves behind her a following that spans the country wide. She had a way with words. In the midst of her own battles she would remind us to enjoy the sun and eat a fresh salad. She influenced me in ways I never would expect from an internet friend. I was lucky enough to meet her in person to celebrate her b-day in 2007 at a small Greek restaurant in Austin. It felt like seeing an old friend. That was just how she was.

Please send prayers to her family, luckily her life was filled with a large and loving one, and most importantly her daughter.

The world will miss Deb. She made an impact on more people than most do in a longer lifetime.

Thank you, Deb, for everything!

And the cycle begins again

Thankfully I received a call on Tuesday that my thyroid is hypo again. I knew it was, but do to standards vs new standards I was worried that I would still be "normal". I am having a ton of symptoms so I was prepared to go in with a fight. No fight needed. I am hypo and back on synthroid. Hopefully in the next few weeks I will feel better. My thyroid went hypo back in 2002, diagnosed in Jan 2004. It turned hyper after having Bug, then normal, and now hypo again. Now I wonder if I will be going hyper again. Is the cycle going to repeat?

My car is going to take longer than 5 weeks. This just blows my mind. I love car pooling with Sweetie. The only issue is that he doesn't have AC and summer is here.

I have been cleaning today. Going through old things. I feel like when I was very depressed in 2006 that I stopped doing some things. Hard to explain. But the closet I am going through has things that I just shoved in there and never put away or used. Kind of emotional and empowering at the same time. I can see how far I have come from that point. I can appreciate the need to go through a hard time to grow and come back stronger.

I am doing good. I am happy about the results of the tests. Now I feel like I can start to lose weight and feel better overall.

OK I have to get back to Bug, she is so much fun and a big help today.

My Mother's Day Gift

Last late June we got a bicycle for Sweetie for his birthday - yes, early. When we got him an awesome bike I told him that he going to use it. Sure enough he joined Team in Training. He began the program at the end of January. He trained and raised money in Deb's honor. Because I got him into the program, and the race fell on Mother's Day Weekend, I told him all I wanted was for him to complete the race. Yesterday, was his event day. He participated in the Armadillo Hill Country Ride. He completed 107 miles with a smile. He is truly amazing. I am beyond proud of him. MIL, Mom, Bug, and myself went and cheered him on. We were lucky enough to see him at two rest stops and at the finish. I am beyond proud. And might I add, he is so super fine on his bike - he looks like a pro. Here are some pics from our wonderful day.

This is Sweetie and Bug at a fund raising event: Here he is coming in for the finish:We are so proud of him:They had showers on site - so nice. This is Sweetie at the finish after a shower. He was on top of the world:My Daddy can bike over 100 miles, can yours?
It was a wonderful day. I am very proud of him.

Thoughts

People who make excuses irritate me. However, I realize I am making excuses too. I haven't been studying. First it was the holidays and then my eyes. No more, I need to stay on track. My boss asked me this week how it is going - I need to get back into it. I am also making excuses about my weight and my not taking better care of myself. Not sure exactly what the excuse is, but it is obviously there. I just am having trouble getting myself in a routine. Perhaps it has been the thinking of another baby, and wondering what the point in losing weight is to only gain it back. Yes, I know that I need to be healthy, yes I know my thinking is flawed.

I also need to get the house in order. This is weighing heavy on me. I am hoping that we are going to get a move on the floors. I just feel like I need a week of nothing but organizing and cleaning. Perhaps we will plan a long weekend soon and get some work done. Who knows.

My little girl turns 4 in a little more than 5 weeks. I cannot wait. I love birthdays. We need to book the location and such. I already asked for a day off from work for our annual celebration of Bug. Now don't be scared, this is Bug being a monster.OK studying, exercising, and cleaning. I can do it :-) I need to make a plan. Yes, a plan - that will solve it all - enter evil laughter.

meds and miles

I started yay on a new med on Friday. It is for malaria. Well, that and anti-inflammatory issues. We will see how it works. All of this has baby #2 on hold for a little bit while we figure it all out.

Sweetie is doing great in his training. His ride is coming up soon, May 9th. This past weekend he rode 65 miles in the Red Poppy Ride. I am so proud of him.

I always have more to post, but get busy. I stay pretty good on facebook, but it is just faster to update status rather than a full on post.

Girl's Weekend

Sweetie left yesterday for a Design conference thingy. This means that I get to have Bug all to myself this weekend. WOO HOO. I am very excited. Since these events only happen every two years, I am making sure to make the most of it. Of course, I am still entertaining an almost 4 year old so it isn't like we can go all out.

Last night we have fun doing some shoe shopping, she is wearing a size 8 - totally amazes me. We are simply enjoying ourselves. Today has been more laid back. We are having crazy rain today. I mean ALL DAY RAIN. I looked on weather.com to see when it would let up - nope like 70% all day long, every hour. It is ok, I love the rain.

Bug's favorite place in the world is at a bookstore. So this weekend is turning into a bookstore weekend, lol. We went to one in the mall last night and another today before lunch. We have a nice dinner planned, I say this loosely as I know a 3 year old's mood can change at a moment's notice, and we will go to yet another bookstore after. I was hoping to go to the Children's museum today - but with the rain I think we might do it tomorrow. It isn't that the rain is stopping us exactly, but I don't like driving downtown on a normal workday in rain and then having to park a couple of blocks away means having to carry the umbrella. You get the picture. Besides we are having fun.

We miss Sweetie, don't get me wrong. This is ony the 4th weekend that we have been apart since moving in together almost 12 years ago. And I really like him :-)

The good news is that my brain is doing good. Did I post my thyroid is normal still? It is. It is very high - which really means low. I am very close to hypo again. Honestly I think I am already abck in hypo since I had the test done at the beginning of the month. I am having some brain fog and my hair is falling out again. But I have no stress about it. I would really like for my thyroid to go hypo again before getting pregnant. That way I would be on the meds and less worry.

I have been in a slump but I feel myself coming out of it. This weekend is helping. I mean, I HAVE to do everything. Sweetie isn't here to help. And I mean that in the best way possible. I think moving your body is important when fighting depression and such. Knowing this weekend was coming my mood was doing better. I have been watching my eating and even exercised a couple of times this week.

Work is going well. At least I think it is. I am getting closer to caught up. Changing systems puts you months behind. I had to wait on numbers from the new system. People had to figure out how to even find these numbers. We are three months behind so if you ask my boss he thinks we are months away from being caught up. I don't think that is the case. I want that feeling again of caught up. I can see the light. The working late I was doing for "processing" is over and now if I work late I can get caught up. One thing I love about my boss is he appreciates hard work. I love to finish things without him knowing I was working on it or surprising him with the detail work that I produced. Plus the part that I am behind on is what I really like to do. So we will see.

Oh and Sweetie shaved his head. I love it. I laughed when I saw him. We have talked for years about him doing it. And sure enough he did. I was completely in shock. I think it helped my mood a lot. Seeing the same thing different can be very exciting.

And there you have it, the most I have blogged in a very long time. And it is all because of Bug sleeping on our girl's day.

Heavy Heart

Deb isn't doing well. Seems she has her third round of cancer. The inevitable is near. It makes me so very sad. Not in a "that sucks" and moving on with my day kind of way, no my heart is aching for her family. It makes me so sad. She is an amazing person. She is full of life, she is optimistic, even when life handed her crap - she at least cracked a joke.

It makes me think of my life. That honestly makes me feel selfish. But I have to remind myself that we never know what is in the future, or what isn't. There are several aspects of my life that I am trying to improve. I am working on having a better control on things - I know, isn't everyone?

I need to not take my health for granted. I need to eat better and move more. No I am not expecting to wake up tomorrow being a perfect specimen for health. I still want to enjoy life.

I can add a whole list of "need to" items. I won't bore you. I have a three day weekend ahead of me filled with family.

I do have some planning to do. I get a girl's weekend with Serif next weekend.