how things change

Today was one of those days that showed how things have changed. We enjoyed a lazy morning watching Disney and Lucas and snuggled for a nice little nap. There was a time when we watched the news but that has changed. Then the excitement started with the search for a pillow pet. Three of her classmates have them, and as there are only 8 in her class (including her), we needed to get one to fit in. Our Target did not have the one she wanted so we tried another one today. We had the best time looking through the store, making notes for Christmas for the kids, planning on how we are handling two and keeping things "even". And while we did not find the pillow pet she wanted, it will be ordered tomorrow, we were able to get everything else on the list that Bug kept us to. The most routine task of purchasing diapers and formula was the kind of fun outing I hope Bug will remember. A wonderful lunch followed where L was crazy attacking his rat and sucking on cantaloupe. Bug even ate really well and earned her ice cream.

Browsing Michael's added more planning for the holiday season as well as L's 1st b-day. While at Michael's I had an older woman come over to admire L, I am very used to this as he is quite adorable :-) She commented on how cute both kids were and said I had a beautiful family. This is one of those rare moments where I actually felt my age. I felt like an adult with two kids, I know that sounds silly. But talking to this woman who spoke to me as an adult and not like I am a kid who needed advice made me proud. She told me she was 82 (which is totally awesome) and said her 51 year old has a 17 and 19 year old who just moved in with her. All she said was it was a time of transition. But like any good grandma, she said no matter what kind of transition there was, she was there for them. That made me smile. Now she also made the comment that she was shopping alone to get some time away from them, and that made me chuckle.

After a quick visit with friends and dinner at the mall, requested by Bug of course, I made my request for the evening. I wanted a bubble bath without kids, with my ipod and a glass of wine. As soon as we got home Sweetie started prepping everything. It started out as I planned, with my new favorite wine, vanilla bubble bath, and my music. Then Bug came in to check on me. Man I love that kid, but I wanted some me time. I convinced her to come back later. In 5 seconds she asked. Sure I agreed to this as she is speaking with a lot of numbers and time frames that she doesn't fully understand. But not this time, this time she came back in actually 5 seconds, lol. I gave in and let her join me. While this was not the plan, it turned into an awesome time. I enjoyed a lovely spa treatment of her washing my hair and scrubbing my back. I hugged her tight and we were quite silly with the word mango.

Sweetie didn't realize she had gotten into the tub with me as he was tending to a L. He was so apologetic and promised me that tomorrow I will get my alone bath. I need to tell him that it turned out what I really needed was girl time. It has been six years since we conceived this gift from heaven. She is so amazing and in tune with me. There is a reason for this as she is so much like me. And yes, this leads to conflict at times. We have to have something offset the good, right? But overall she knows when I need a hug or an 'I love you'. And she knew I needed my hair washed and silly talk.

Sweetie is now at Alamo Drafthouse enjoying a boy movie with my Brother. After he left, I did Bug's nails, we watched a little TV, and now all three of us are on the big couch falling asleep waiting for Daddy to return.

That is my exciting big Saturday. And I wouldn't change one thing about it.

It's all about me

Well, that is the joke anyway. That everything in the world really is about me. It is funny as I really do not feel this way. But in one sense I do think that people come into my life for a reason.

There was a reason I responded to the Team in Training flyer in 2003. I discovered an amazing organization. Because of this, I had the wonderful opportunity to work in my dream job for 7 fun months. Unfortunately, the bills piled on and student loan payments started, I simply could not stay at the non-profit level. I left feeling very strongly about the programs that LLS provides. And at a very hard time in my life I found Deb's blog. I sat in the LLS office reading her story, in tears, having it hit closer to home due to her cancer. She gave me hope, she reminded me that not all parents get to tuck their children into their beds every night. She gave me another outlook on my own issues. When she passed away, it hurt. I had only met her once while chatting other times. I was so moved we even went to her funeral. This was very out of the norm of my introvert personality. I will forever remember Deb.

"Remember to cross your bridges and NOT take a single breath for granted." I read this today on another friend's blog who has had another huge impact. She fights cystic fibrosis, and she is quite a fighter. She was a friend of Sweetie's dad and I am always reminded of him when I think of her. She knew us when we were young and stupid, and somehow still likes us, lol. Unfortunately, due to her illness we have not seen her in a long time. I now have two germ factories with me and the bottom line is my fear of getting her sick - that would break my heart. Luckily, there is blogging and facebook. Her positive attitude and constant fight reminds me to never take health for granted, to never take a breath for granted. I send her all my prayers and positive energy to continue the fight.

The other huge impact is BestFriend. She came along at a time when my "friend" was very negative. She taught me a friend can be your biggest fan. She reminded me to not take my marriage for granted, that a pink wig in Starbucks can make the best day, and silly is something needed on most days. She also taught me to never take my fertility or children for granted. And because of her, I don't. I can honestly say that I take time each day to thank God for my family. I look forward to many more lessons from her, as I am not letting her get away any time soon. We have a contract, after all.

Now I do not believe these people exist because of me and my issues. No, but I do believe they are in my life to teach me lessons and to sharpen my focus. The same is with the ones who were negative, they taught their own lessons, to appreciate what I have, to lighten up, and that I cannot control everything in this world. A younger version of me tried, and failed. That is something huge that has changed in the last 6 years. I have let go of a lot, tried to stress less, and to surround myself with those who amaze me. Johnson & Johnson is correct, a baby changes everything. That is something I take pride in, the fact that I can see how I have changed and matured over the years. Every event, situation and person had an impact.

It is funny, right now my focus is on weight loss, but it is for health, not to get into my size 2 shorts again. Before, I would get obsessed with focus on the end, anything less was failure. And sure enough this failed. I was dealt hands that, once again, were not in my control. My thyroid broke and I gained 30 pounds in less than a year - and didn't even lose while training for a half marathon. Then I finally lose weight after Bug only to find out it is because my thyroid went the other way and the medicine would cause weight gain, hello 30 pounds back. Then my meds were the wrong dosage and hello another 30 pounds. This put me in a place where I had 76 pounds to lose (only 53 left now). This made me "hit bottom" and change my mindset. This time I have many mini goals and rewards along the way and I am trying to live my life and not try to lose as fast as I can. This is the first time that my priorities are truly, losing it for me, losing it for my health, losing it for my family. Luckily, Sweetie is so awesome and has been watching the kids at a moments notice if I want to work out. This helps in the feeling selfish and mom guilt departments. This is just one of the ways that I can see myself change. I can truly appreciate it.

If there has been a couple of repeated lessons given to me over the years, one is about control. I do not have it. I never will. And trying to claim it only brings negative karma to me. I hope the universe understands that I have learned this lesson and do not need a repeat. The other is to appreciate what you have and not take anything for granted. This one, the universe can keep teaching me as wonderful people have come into my life with these lessons. This brings me to one of my favorite quotes; "Bloom where you are planted."...Mary Engelbreit. This is something I am truly focusing on, and have been for awhile, to appreciate what I have and to try and thrive in making it the absolute best I can.

Sorry for this being so long, I simply had a lot on my mind. Thank you for letting me get it out :-)

Two weeks into me

I am happy to say that I have followed WW for two weeks. I have been counting points, exercising (ok only three times, but still), and thinking about what I need to fuel me. I have not given up eating out, though we do need to eat at home more, and I have not felt deprived - yet..and I will cope when that comes. So why the change? The challenge at work has helped motivate me, I do not want to pay the money. But also I hit a point where I got so sick of it, that I have to take care of it. Does that make sense? So I decided on the 26 in 16 plan. And Sweetie was so supportive that he started tracking his too. We both are doing the same workout plan, though he is way ahead of me and actually runs while I walk, but it is still something we are both doing. He only has 10 pounds to lose, but I hope this support continues even after he hits his goal. He wants to run a half if not a full marathon in 2011. I know he can do it. If I can complete a half so can he.

The other change is really thinking about the health risks with my weight. How I see myself, even in the mirror is not accurate. It isn't until I see a photo or catch a glimpse of myself when I am not looking that I realize the truth. And the truth is that I need to be healthier. And while I have been dancing with the idea of getting back on the wagon with WW, I kept having this voice in my head saying "I will do it, but I will do xxx instead because I know better". Uhm....yeah. I know I lost before my wedding and that the program works. But obviously I need some help as it didn't help me through emotional hard times, working while going to school, and health issues. And while others who love me will argue, the truth is that I am considered type 2 obese. There are only 3 types, and type 3 is morbid. This is a medical issue. And with my thyroid being the way it is and making weight loss hard, as well as so many other things, I have to be better. I am lucky, my cholesterol, triglycerides, and blood sugar are great. But I can't rely on that. If I were diabetic, I would change my lifestyle and treat the disease. Obesity is a disease. While it is different, it is still a medical situation. I needed to treat it as such.

My other battle is body image. When I got married I was 117 pounds. I looked great. I worse a size 3. But I saw myself as fat. What I wouldn't give to go back in time and bitch slap that version of me. I know that I need to work on me as well. And that is a big reason why I am not doing a crash diet, weight loss surgery (luckily I don't qualify), or anything else drastic. I need this to take some time. I need to feel each stage of my body changing. I need to feel stronger and healthier.

When I walk, I walk alone. When I did Team in Training, I had a team and walked with them one day a week. That was fun. However, my training walks, less a few that Sweetie would walk with me, were alone. When I walked the 18 miles, I did it alone, and without music. Many have offered to walk with me. I appreciate the gesture, but know that my walking is therapy. Yesterday on my walk I went through a lot of internal stuff. (Yes more inside me talk, but is is my little part of the internet)

Over the years I have had several blows, situations, and stresses that took their toll. I like to say that I am better. And while I am, I am not 100% yet. I know I will get there as long as I keep looking inward. My point is it truly hit me how the events in my life have had an impact on how I see myself. How I do not see myself as an attractive, fun loving woman. I see myself as a wife, a mother, an employee. I do not see me. My clothing has been to cover me, but not to make me feel cute. My hair is the same way. I know I like to have my sunshine face on, and it isn't a facade, just more like just not the whole story. I feel like a prisoner in my body. And in turn this has also come through in the disorganization of my home. How I got to this point is not important. The important thing is to refind me. To take back control.

Now I am not talking about leaving my family to live in a village or anything. I just need to work on me. I need to make a conscious effort to do things for me, even if it is something silly like taking a walk or study. It was a true ah ha moment. If it were a cheesy girl chick flick, you would see me walking and then a montage of my past. I then would realize what I needed to do, and instantly feel sexy and cute and run to the airport to tell the man I love not to leave or some other blah blah blah. Well, while I love a good romantic comedy, that is not my life. Instead it is more like the montage went off in my head and I felt honestly like someone took a blow to me. I don't have to go and find my love, I have him here. Sweetie knew something was wrong and I couldn't quite put it into words. Part of me felt like things that I have worked through and dealt with were coming back. But then I realized that was not the case. Rather, it was the next step. It was like in the half marathon when I was walking for hours and felt so tired and salty and I could see the end. I wasn't done with the work, but I could see the finish. All my hard work was paying off. That is where I am, not at the end, but I can see it, I know it is there, I just have this last hurdle to overcome.

This weight loss kick, exercise, and studying again, all goes hand in hand. It all goes to help me. Yes, it will help my family but only on a secondary level. I am sure none of this makes sense. But it is good for me to write about it. This moment that I write about, it was kind of scary for me. I feared that I was going to enter a deep depression, like that of '06. I wasn't sure I could fight it if it took hold. If you have never dealt with depression, you do not know of the monster that it is and how it is much like an alter ego in some respects that takes over. I took it in, almost waiting to be pulled down. But it didn't happen. Instead I kept swimming. When I realized it was a moment of motivation, of realization, and showing me the next step, I began to exhale. I like me. I love my family. I am worth all of it. And you know what? I can fight it. My thyroid is acting like it did after Bug. But I REFUSE to let the weight come back if I have to go back on the horrible meds or any other treatment. I know that for me to be healthy I may have to track my points, exercise, and watch my choices forever.

I have a family that supports me. What more could I ask for? I will continue to write about my journey. I am sure it will be boring, but I hope to gain so much insight from simply writing my feelings. I will continue my walking, my therapy time.

I have tracked my points with Sweetie for 2 weeks. I have exercised and posted it even on my fb and twitter as motivation. I have a study plan in place. And I shined my sink tonight. This is a journey, not sure exactly how it is going to go, but I know the destination. And I know that I will get there. I am going to break free from these prisons. I am going to be a complete me again.

My weigh in at work is on Friday. I will post the outcome :-)

Signs

There have been many times in my life where I knew something was about to happen before it did or the universe/my subconscious/spirits try to warn me. Smoke detectors going off for no reason, power going out at exactly the right moment, knowing of family members passing before it happens are a few of the things that have happened. I try to listen to these ques and follow what I am being told. Today Sweetie took Bug with my MIL to Seaworld. This was the biggest trip without me with them. L and I slept in after we sent them off and once happily awake we set out for my mom's. I have been studying again. Part of my study are lectures that are on my ipod that I listen to through the aux cable in the car. I finished the lectures for this week and I went to set my ipod to the next section for next week. It landed instead on a song that I love deeply but never comes up on my music shuffle. I said aloud "OK, I will listen to this now". And it was perfect. I think truly it is my favorite song. Of course close runner ups are Icecream, Montana, and Answer.

I listened to the lyrics and sang along. L is still too young to ask for a quiet trip like Bug does. Side note she is like me. We don't need to be entertained at all moments, we can entertain ourselves, and we don't always need music on, sometimes we thrive in the silence. So it hit me and it was good. Through happy tears I texted Sweetie to let him know about this feeling I was having. Unfortunately text does not allow enough characters so he thought I was upset at first. No worries, I got my point across.

The song was Somewhere Over the Rainbow / What a Wonderful World by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. I adore this version. And this was just what I needed to remind me of what I have. You see there are many levels that this song applies. First, the baby you have after a loss is called a rainbow baby (the happy after the storm). Bug went with me to all my regular OB appointments. On the stairs in the morning the light hits in a way that shows rainbows, I know simple science, but it was special to me and the baby I was carrying. This Dr became known as the Rainbow Dr. Honestly those little lights gave me more hope than any of the sonograms. Because for him to be a rainbow baby, he would have to survive. The universe was telling me he would. She didn't understand about what a rainbow baby was but she looked for the rainbows each time. Somewhere over the rainbow I get my L. Not to put Bug on any lower level at all. I need them BOTH, they complete me. I am who I am because of them.

This song also made me think about me and Sweeite and our journey. We have had our rough patches, I never claimed otherwise. We took back control, sought help, refound each other, and renewed our vows. We grew stronger. The song reminded me that I was wishing upon a star to wake up where the clouds were far behind me. I have blogged recently on how good I am doing with me. It is true. I keep surprising myself and being proud of myself - these are very good things. I like who I am. I know how I got here, I accept the past - can't do a damn thing about it, and look happily to the future. It is all about growth. But to listen to the song made me realize that my wish did come true. The wish I made with every birthday candle, turkey wishbone, coin in the fountain and eyelash blowing. It came, and continues, to come true. Not that I will ever give up wishing and fighting. It IS a wonderful world. Now I have to admit I may have listened to this song a good five more times today. It makes me smile. It is such a "Missy" song.

Combine that with a great day with my Mom. Eating healthy on the weekend, shocking I know, having a wonderful dinner with Mom and Brother, and finishing with a cute movie, and I am feeling good. This week things really clicked for me. I have no idea where I stand on the weight loss front, but I know I have followed my points for six days. This included, baileys, cheesecake, eating out, and a crazy week at work. If I can lose this week, I can continue this. The challenge at work helps my motivation, but really all of the sudden it clicked that I have to do this for me. I cannot compare myself to anyone else, this is my journey. How fast I lose, how fast I walk, how long it take me to reach my goals do not involve anyone else. I am the one who has to do the work, I am the one who is worth it. It does help to have a spouse who is so supportive. He is tracking too, not that he has much to lose at all, but it does make it easier. Here's to my motivation lasting through Aug 6th :-)

Going good

Things are good. L started daycare yesterday. I was good and didn't cry. Though I did tear up at work and the day before, lol. Work is good. I am happy to be back. I have a ton to do and am behind but that is a good thing as it makes the day go faster and I can get to my babies sooner.

Did I mention the 10 pound challenge. Work has this challenge where you have to lose 10 pounds before Aug 6th. If you don't you have to pay $100 to the pot. If you do lose it then you get to split the pot with others that also lost. This is completely voluntary, but once you commit you are in. Well, I am happy to say I only need to lose 5 more to be at the goal. Woo Hoo.

I need to start walking again. Really what I need is a better schedule for the kids and Sweetie. But the priority is there. Sweetie has been running again and doing good. Our goal is at least a 10k, if not a half marathon for L's 1st b-day.

I am still shocked that I have kidS. Two, isn't that crazy. I feel like more of an adult with two. Not to mention the pain that writing the check yesterday caused. Two in daycare (and a very nice one at that) is expensive. But it is worth it. If it means we have to stay in our little house for an extra year to make it work, it is worth it. My kids are worth it.

I need to post some pics. If you are on my facebook, I know you have seen how absolutely adorable L is. He is all boy and I am happy to say no one has thought he was a girl. But it is his cheeks, you just want to squeeze them. So far I have heard that he looks like Sweetie and Bug. This is funny as Bug looks like me but no one says he looks like me. I hope it looks more like Sweetie. It would only be fair :-)

This past weekend we went to Ft Worth for our first little family vacation as a set of 4. It was a LOT of fun. We are going to make it a priority to go away at least once a quarter. With Sweetie's spot finding (gowalla) and our love of just wondering, walking, and talking we can go anywhere.

I am very excited about this weekend. Yes, I only worked two days and then get a three day weekend. I planned that quite nicely. Tomorrow I get one on one girl time with Bug, then the 4th and fireworks, and Monday will be family fun tooling around town and visiting some parks. I have a feeling I am going to do some more videoing for the spot finder ;-)

Things are good. And I am doing very good. Happy pills kicked in, thyroid meds reduced, and just enjoying my family. I am letting go of the whole perfection goal. I need to start back on the FlyLady. It is all about babysteps.

Let the weekend begin :-)

Happy

Things have been crazy in the Tolleson household. Between Christmas, playing, enjoying new floors, and being lazy, our time has slipped away. Christmas was wonderful. Watching Serif through this season has been a magical experience. She is such a neat kid and so very grateful for everything she received.

Last week was my 24 week appointment with my regular ob. I had my glucose test and passed, yay! Then yesterday was my 25 week appointment with my specialist. Baby boy looks good, measuring 5 days ahead of schedule and in the 54 percentile. There is one issue. They noticed a spot on his liver. They are going to watch and see if it progresses with the next appointment. In the meantime I got to go and have a ton of labwork done. Fun. I know he will be ok, I am just a little concerned. I think he picked up on my concern as he has been CRAZY kicking and moving around today. All has to be good.

I said that I wouldn't worry about getting the room ready until the first of the year, yikes it is almost here. In fact 98 days and I will be a 2nd time mommy. I cannot believe it, that sounds so soon to me. There is so much to do, at home and work, but I have to believe it will get done. When we prepared for Bug we started having "home improvement Sundays" and enlisted the help of MIL to come over to get things ready. Hopefully we can do that again. With work I am going to have to sit down with my boss and make out a realistic plan of my workload and my third trimester. Little things like it may be easier for me to work on Saturday mornings than late during the week, and how I am trying to keep stress to a low level. It will all get done, we just need to keep the faith.

Other than those little stressers, I am beyond happy. Sweetie and Bug take the best care of me. I am so lucky to have my little family. Last night I had a headache so I was resting and Bug kept coming by and checking to see if I had a fever and told me to rest. She loves to feel brother kick her. Her eyes light up. I love it. I think she has felt him more than Sweetie at this point. What can I say, he likes his sister. We received some clothes from a teacher at Bug's school and we are getting more from another friend who has a 10 month old. That is going to be the best part, most of the clothing purchased. That way I can focus on the little things for his room.

Happy happy happy

Sweetie and I are off this week. We spent the vacation money on our floors, which are done and BEAUTIFUL (pics to come soon)!!! We got the trees up, Bug has her own this year, and they are perfect for us.

Our tree is not big, but it is VERY us. I had a complete adult realization moment - you know where all of the sudden you feel your age and like a responsible adult. With a second child on the way and new flooring feeling like an adult has been pretty constant. However, with the unpacking of ornaments that span over 13 Christmases of our living together really hit me. When we first moved in together our tree was a little smaller and mostly balls with a couple of ornaments showing the happenings of the year. Each year there are less generic balls and more sentimental ornaments. This year the tree is my favorite. We have nothing but ornaments. It simply makes me smile.

This staycation has been wonderful. The three of us are just taking it all in. Shopping, yummy food, Christmas specials, seeing Santa, and many laughs have filled the two days. I just hope it doesn't go too fast. Now if only we can get the computer room cleaned out for baby, I will feel completely productive. Oh and Christmas shopping would be good too. But it will all come in time. I am fighting some anxiety and stress, but that comes with hormones.

I am still taking my 365 photos, I need to update a few, hopefully I will get to that tonight. I also need to clean off the kitchen table of the items placed there during the floor installation.

I hope everyone is having a great holiday season. I am truly enjoying it so far. And on the 12th I get to take Bug to the nutcracker for the first time. YAY!

frustration

I may be the same weight I was when I got pregnant with Bug, but things are very different this time. I am sick just like with her. But I am having the back pain, lack of sleep, and utter exhaustion after standing much earlier. Please do not take this as complaining about my situation.

Sink is still clean, been doing a little housework every night (trying not to focus on what still needs to be done), and trying to listen to my body and rest when needed. Sweetie is amazing and has been cooking and cleaning for me. He is very protective of me and I have to admit that I love it. If I mention any cramping or exhaustion he sends me to rest. My next Dr appt is on Tuesday.

I just need to get past the frustration. I can only do what I can do. I am different from everyone else and need to accept that. My dry eyes have been very bad this week. That is something I look forward to after having my baby - being able to treat my disease. Since we were trying they would not prescribe anything worthwhile. In many ways I feel like I have been pregnant for well over a year. After the miscarriage we knew that we would be trying again with the first of the year. This meant nothing crazy medicine or diet wise.

OK enough complaining. I am happy - I just need a good night sleep :-)

5 years

5 years ago today, my world changed forever. The life that I had, would never be the same. This is the day we conceived my daughter. This is a very happy anniversary. We aren't the type of couple to celebrate everything. But the life altering items are important to us. The ones that remind us of what makes us us, and make us look back and see just how far we have come, like looking down from a mountain, baby.

I look back and so much has changed. We have matured, relaxed a lot, changed our focus, and changed jobs several times, lol. Sometimes, it is just nice to look back and smile. Everything that happened in my life led me to this place. This place with my loving husband, beautiful daughter, one on the way, and awesome family. Because of that, I would not change a thing. I have had friends come and go. Even ones that were crappy - I don't hold any anger towards. All is forgiven. I mean, in the whole scheme of things, what does it matter?

Our plans for the weekend are busy. Soccer meet up, two games, and much needed housework. I am hoping that my nausea stays at bay and that I am able to accomplish what I need to. But for now, I am just going to sit here in the silence and enjoy thinking about my family.

Living on faith

As I have said before, I feel different this time. This does not take away the fear of another loss. Sweetie admitted his fears too. But staying with thinking positive we went shopping on Saturday for some maternity clothes. The one good/bad thing about having extra padding and being pregnant before is that I am showing earlier than with Bug.

So I am living on faith, praying that what I want is also what is meant to be. Next appointment is 9/28. This will be the 12 week sonogram. We didn't make it that far last time. I will feel much better after that appt.

This weekend has been very nice and relaxing. I have had some good family time, got to hang out with some friends, rested a ton, and today is a family gathering.

I am hoping to start my exercising again this week. I have been bad and lazy. Well, tired with nausea doesn't help. Hopefully, I can get past that to enjoy the benefits of more energy.

And the cycle begins again

Thankfully I received a call on Tuesday that my thyroid is hypo again. I knew it was, but do to standards vs new standards I was worried that I would still be "normal". I am having a ton of symptoms so I was prepared to go in with a fight. No fight needed. I am hypo and back on synthroid. Hopefully in the next few weeks I will feel better. My thyroid went hypo back in 2002, diagnosed in Jan 2004. It turned hyper after having Bug, then normal, and now hypo again. Now I wonder if I will be going hyper again. Is the cycle going to repeat?

My car is going to take longer than 5 weeks. This just blows my mind. I love car pooling with Sweetie. The only issue is that he doesn't have AC and summer is here.

I have been cleaning today. Going through old things. I feel like when I was very depressed in 2006 that I stopped doing some things. Hard to explain. But the closet I am going through has things that I just shoved in there and never put away or used. Kind of emotional and empowering at the same time. I can see how far I have come from that point. I can appreciate the need to go through a hard time to grow and come back stronger.

I am doing good. I am happy about the results of the tests. Now I feel like I can start to lose weight and feel better overall.

OK I have to get back to Bug, she is so much fun and a big help today.

Thoughts

People who make excuses irritate me. However, I realize I am making excuses too. I haven't been studying. First it was the holidays and then my eyes. No more, I need to stay on track. My boss asked me this week how it is going - I need to get back into it. I am also making excuses about my weight and my not taking better care of myself. Not sure exactly what the excuse is, but it is obviously there. I just am having trouble getting myself in a routine. Perhaps it has been the thinking of another baby, and wondering what the point in losing weight is to only gain it back. Yes, I know that I need to be healthy, yes I know my thinking is flawed.

I also need to get the house in order. This is weighing heavy on me. I am hoping that we are going to get a move on the floors. I just feel like I need a week of nothing but organizing and cleaning. Perhaps we will plan a long weekend soon and get some work done. Who knows.

My little girl turns 4 in a little more than 5 weeks. I cannot wait. I love birthdays. We need to book the location and such. I already asked for a day off from work for our annual celebration of Bug. Now don't be scared, this is Bug being a monster.OK studying, exercising, and cleaning. I can do it :-) I need to make a plan. Yes, a plan - that will solve it all - enter evil laughter.

Girl's Weekend

Sweetie left yesterday for a Design conference thingy. This means that I get to have Bug all to myself this weekend. WOO HOO. I am very excited. Since these events only happen every two years, I am making sure to make the most of it. Of course, I am still entertaining an almost 4 year old so it isn't like we can go all out.

Last night we have fun doing some shoe shopping, she is wearing a size 8 - totally amazes me. We are simply enjoying ourselves. Today has been more laid back. We are having crazy rain today. I mean ALL DAY RAIN. I looked on weather.com to see when it would let up - nope like 70% all day long, every hour. It is ok, I love the rain.

Bug's favorite place in the world is at a bookstore. So this weekend is turning into a bookstore weekend, lol. We went to one in the mall last night and another today before lunch. We have a nice dinner planned, I say this loosely as I know a 3 year old's mood can change at a moment's notice, and we will go to yet another bookstore after. I was hoping to go to the Children's museum today - but with the rain I think we might do it tomorrow. It isn't that the rain is stopping us exactly, but I don't like driving downtown on a normal workday in rain and then having to park a couple of blocks away means having to carry the umbrella. You get the picture. Besides we are having fun.

We miss Sweetie, don't get me wrong. This is ony the 4th weekend that we have been apart since moving in together almost 12 years ago. And I really like him :-)

The good news is that my brain is doing good. Did I post my thyroid is normal still? It is. It is very high - which really means low. I am very close to hypo again. Honestly I think I am already abck in hypo since I had the test done at the beginning of the month. I am having some brain fog and my hair is falling out again. But I have no stress about it. I would really like for my thyroid to go hypo again before getting pregnant. That way I would be on the meds and less worry.

I have been in a slump but I feel myself coming out of it. This weekend is helping. I mean, I HAVE to do everything. Sweetie isn't here to help. And I mean that in the best way possible. I think moving your body is important when fighting depression and such. Knowing this weekend was coming my mood was doing better. I have been watching my eating and even exercised a couple of times this week.

Work is going well. At least I think it is. I am getting closer to caught up. Changing systems puts you months behind. I had to wait on numbers from the new system. People had to figure out how to even find these numbers. We are three months behind so if you ask my boss he thinks we are months away from being caught up. I don't think that is the case. I want that feeling again of caught up. I can see the light. The working late I was doing for "processing" is over and now if I work late I can get caught up. One thing I love about my boss is he appreciates hard work. I love to finish things without him knowing I was working on it or surprising him with the detail work that I produced. Plus the part that I am behind on is what I really like to do. So we will see.

Oh and Sweetie shaved his head. I love it. I laughed when I saw him. We have talked for years about him doing it. And sure enough he did. I was completely in shock. I think it helped my mood a lot. Seeing the same thing different can be very exciting.

And there you have it, the most I have blogged in a very long time. And it is all because of Bug sleeping on our girl's day.

Heavy Heart

Deb isn't doing well. Seems she has her third round of cancer. The inevitable is near. It makes me so very sad. Not in a "that sucks" and moving on with my day kind of way, no my heart is aching for her family. It makes me so sad. She is an amazing person. She is full of life, she is optimistic, even when life handed her crap - she at least cracked a joke.

It makes me think of my life. That honestly makes me feel selfish. But I have to remind myself that we never know what is in the future, or what isn't. There are several aspects of my life that I am trying to improve. I am working on having a better control on things - I know, isn't everyone?

I need to not take my health for granted. I need to eat better and move more. No I am not expecting to wake up tomorrow being a perfect specimen for health. I still want to enjoy life.

I can add a whole list of "need to" items. I won't bore you. I have a three day weekend ahead of me filled with family.

I do have some planning to do. I get a girl's weekend with Serif next weekend.

I feel green today

Well, things are crazy as ever. We were on a role, car replaced, wash/dryer replaced, new flooring idea solved, and new slip covers purchased as we opted for washer/dryer instead of new couches. Then the storm hit. It was loud, big, crazy. Softball sized hail. Sweetie's car did not do so well, front windshield cracked throughout and back window gone. My new car has little dints. It is ok. Nothing horrible. We will survive. I am not even really bummed about it, a little stressed about getting it all fixed and the steps needed to take, but that is all.

We are working very hard at getting the house organized. We have been here 10 years now - that is so hard to believe. The big push is that I am fighting depression. I have been feeling overwhelmed and out of control. I am not a woo is me kind of girl and I don't want to bring any one down. Honestly, I do try to look in the good in everything. My eyes have been bothering me, I feel like my thyroid is off, or it might be my sjogren's worse - who knows. It is time to get my blood tested, so we will see.

The good news is that I have been back on WW again for a week. I know it is not much, but I am trying. I did manage to get out and walk three times last week. Due to my muscle aches and such I am going back to the basics with slow walks using my heart rate monitor.

OK there is more to say but I need to go and put another load of laundry away. Maybe I will get caught up with laundry, like completely caught up - that hasn't happened in years.
The pics are of yesterday. The first is with the hail. It looked like snow. The streets were completely covered, so crazy. The second is moments after the storm. Everything was so very green. Right now I am feeling like I am in the storm, need to focus on the green to come.

And so I say blah

I had dinner tonight with BestFriend and DarkDiva. It was so nice. I am sorry that I wasn't better company, but I worked late and was tired.

I am feeling all kind of emotional. I don't know if it is Brother's visit, waiting on my blood tests, me being me, or something else. Right now locking myself into my own little closet where I can study, eat healthy, and exercise without any drama, stress, or scheduling conflicts sounds divine.

There simply isn't enough time in the day for what I want to do, for who I want to see, for everything.

I wasn't as good on my diet today, but that is ok. I will pick it back up tomorrow. I have been having salads for lunch, and really enjoying them. Progress - not perfection - I must remember this. I get very stuck in perfect, in black and white, in on a diet or not. Blah!

I just want to feel better. I will call the Dr again on Monday for the test results. I hope they have them then, or better yet call me tomorrow with them - that would be nice.

One step at a time. I know I am rambling, something I do well. I need to focus on healthy choices, including exercise, and stop thinking about long term. I just want to feel healthy again.

Oh and did I mention blah?

Here to the weekend being wonderful, filled with family, stress free, and productive.

calm

Perhaps it is the calm before the storm, but I am feeling much better today. I am focusing on the good things. Won't you join me?

1. Sweetie took my computer to the Dr today. He is so awesome like that. He said I would either have a fixed computer or a new one today.
2. Computer is fixable. While a new computer would have been nice, I would like to save for it and plan for the expense, instead of a "have to".
3. I have been good with studying and enjoying the topics.
4. I am excited for the surgery. If you put your finger under my nose and I breath out you can feel the difference from one nostril to the next. There is quite a bit of difference. I am not sure what I am going to do when I can breath normal.
5. I am still focused on the P90 program. However, I have not worked out since Sunday. I don't want to overdo it and get sick. As soon as I feel up to it, I will be exercising again. It doesn't stop my 90 day goals, it just changes how I get to the end of the 90 days.
6. Week one of weight watchers went very well. I lost 3.8 - whoo hoo! I am motivated. This weigh in is what i needed before tomorrow. The old me would drown my pain with bad for me food. This is going to keep me good.
7. SIL's MIL is doing Thanksgiving this year. My year for Christmas Eve. I am beyond psyched for the Turkey Trot.
8. I am very excited about the debate tonight. I don't think I ever watched the debates like I have this election. I am going to get some dinner and enjoy my family. We are watching the debate with MIL and Mom.
9. My mood is much better today. I feel like I am peeking out of the hole. Now I just need to hoist myself out. Better yet, anyone got a hand?
10. Bug's eye is so much better. It is a beautiful shade of black/purple/yellow/green/blue. Should be perfect for picture day tomorrow.

I will update everyone with how I am doing as soon as I can tomorrow. But send good thoughts/prayers around 7-9am CST.

And the verdict is....

NORMAL. 1 year normal (less the slight hypo when I was pregnant). That means remission. My Dr doesn't want to see me again for a year. Since we will be trying to get pregnant soon she wants my blood tested without an appt in March. And since we don't know if I went hypo because of simply being pregnant or because of something wrong with the pregnancy, I am to call when I pregnant again. For now I am not hyper or hypo. I am normal. While I will always have thyroid issues in my medical history and there is a good chances I will be non-normal at some point, I am happy to be normal now.

Now I have no excuse not to study or lose weight.

third post in a day

Yes, it is me again. I wanted to let everyone know that I am doing good. I thought I would check in as I already finished my studying for the night, gonna get ahead some now. Sweetie is hanging with his friend tonight so Bug and I went to get cupcakes. I had the pumpkin, so so so good. Unfortunately we had to leave early due to Bug having an accident. I am reminding myself that she is only 3 months into the training and this is only the third accident she has had in public. Once we got home we got ready for bed and I started studying. YAY. I am doing good with it. I also scheduled my test. I might have to rethink it though. I scheduled it for the last Saturday available for me, which is Nov 1st. That is cool as it is my FIL's b-day and I feel I would have him around to help me. But then it hit me, it is the day AFTER Halloween, at 8 in the morning. We shall see. I don't want to do it during work, don't want to use any PTO for it. I will talk to Sweetie about it.

OK so I am good, still hyper.

So hyper today

I woke up feeling so good today. I am so hyper. I think it has to do with today I am two weeks out from my procedure. This means I am cleared for such things as exercise, a bubble bath (with wine please), and the most important SEX (WOOHOO). Sorry but it is true. Last night I had to return some maternity clothing. Yes, I know that I could become pregnant soon and would need the items. However, I would rather buy them then. I am, of course, keeping what I have already worn but I still had some items with the tags still on them. So I asked Bug if she would help me go shopping.

What does my darling daughter in 90 something degrees ask for? A coat! When I finished the return I said "you want to look at coats?" and she said "yes, one that keeps me cold, I am soooo cold". She has a "so cold" voice and she used that. It cracked me up. She picked her own coat and it is nice - pink, I know that was a shocker.

I also got me an outfit. A cute skirt and shirt. Nothing better than an outfit that makes you feel sexy. Today I feel sexy.

I went in the morning to the Vampires and hit starbucks on the way to work. It is my splurge after a dr/lab appt. I was so hyper. I am still pretty hyper. I worried about an upcoming crash due to how good I was feeling. So far that hasn't happened. I have been the most productive at work. I did everything in my in-box AND cleaned my desk. This is big for me.

So I am feeling good. I am listening to my lectures while I blog, err work, this afternoon. I am not sure what all we are doing tonight, but I am hoping for some sort of exercise, studying, and a bubble bath. Sweetie said he would take Bug to a park or something so I can take a bath by myself. I have not had that in quite some time. Yay.

I think the big thing is that I am out of the physical healing stage. That makes me feel normal again. I am still working on the emotional, but at least the physical is good.

Today I feel like life is moving on and I am a part of it. Now I think I shall work on my spreadsheets. I need to focus on my walking and my studying.