Signs

There have been many times in my life where I knew something was about to happen before it did or the universe/my subconscious/spirits try to warn me. Smoke detectors going off for no reason, power going out at exactly the right moment, knowing of family members passing before it happens are a few of the things that have happened. I try to listen to these ques and follow what I am being told. Today Sweetie took Bug with my MIL to Seaworld. This was the biggest trip without me with them. L and I slept in after we sent them off and once happily awake we set out for my mom's. I have been studying again. Part of my study are lectures that are on my ipod that I listen to through the aux cable in the car. I finished the lectures for this week and I went to set my ipod to the next section for next week. It landed instead on a song that I love deeply but never comes up on my music shuffle. I said aloud "OK, I will listen to this now". And it was perfect. I think truly it is my favorite song. Of course close runner ups are Icecream, Montana, and Answer.

I listened to the lyrics and sang along. L is still too young to ask for a quiet trip like Bug does. Side note she is like me. We don't need to be entertained at all moments, we can entertain ourselves, and we don't always need music on, sometimes we thrive in the silence. So it hit me and it was good. Through happy tears I texted Sweetie to let him know about this feeling I was having. Unfortunately text does not allow enough characters so he thought I was upset at first. No worries, I got my point across.

The song was Somewhere Over the Rainbow / What a Wonderful World by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. I adore this version. And this was just what I needed to remind me of what I have. You see there are many levels that this song applies. First, the baby you have after a loss is called a rainbow baby (the happy after the storm). Bug went with me to all my regular OB appointments. On the stairs in the morning the light hits in a way that shows rainbows, I know simple science, but it was special to me and the baby I was carrying. This Dr became known as the Rainbow Dr. Honestly those little lights gave me more hope than any of the sonograms. Because for him to be a rainbow baby, he would have to survive. The universe was telling me he would. She didn't understand about what a rainbow baby was but she looked for the rainbows each time. Somewhere over the rainbow I get my L. Not to put Bug on any lower level at all. I need them BOTH, they complete me. I am who I am because of them.

This song also made me think about me and Sweeite and our journey. We have had our rough patches, I never claimed otherwise. We took back control, sought help, refound each other, and renewed our vows. We grew stronger. The song reminded me that I was wishing upon a star to wake up where the clouds were far behind me. I have blogged recently on how good I am doing with me. It is true. I keep surprising myself and being proud of myself - these are very good things. I like who I am. I know how I got here, I accept the past - can't do a damn thing about it, and look happily to the future. It is all about growth. But to listen to the song made me realize that my wish did come true. The wish I made with every birthday candle, turkey wishbone, coin in the fountain and eyelash blowing. It came, and continues, to come true. Not that I will ever give up wishing and fighting. It IS a wonderful world. Now I have to admit I may have listened to this song a good five more times today. It makes me smile. It is such a "Missy" song.

Combine that with a great day with my Mom. Eating healthy on the weekend, shocking I know, having a wonderful dinner with Mom and Brother, and finishing with a cute movie, and I am feeling good. This week things really clicked for me. I have no idea where I stand on the weight loss front, but I know I have followed my points for six days. This included, baileys, cheesecake, eating out, and a crazy week at work. If I can lose this week, I can continue this. The challenge at work helps my motivation, but really all of the sudden it clicked that I have to do this for me. I cannot compare myself to anyone else, this is my journey. How fast I lose, how fast I walk, how long it take me to reach my goals do not involve anyone else. I am the one who has to do the work, I am the one who is worth it. It does help to have a spouse who is so supportive. He is tracking too, not that he has much to lose at all, but it does make it easier. Here's to my motivation lasting through Aug 6th :-)