ponderings

This is going to be another one of those write until I need to stop times. If you know me at all, you know that I am an open person while being reserved. I mean that I am not always forthcoming with details about my life, been burnt by that before. However, I am who I am. I don't pretend to be what I am not. I am not a girly girl who has to be made up before leaving the house, I hate shoe shopping, but I have an obsession with buying t-shirts. I speak my mind. I am who I am. If you are around me, you know this. I have a very strong maternal instinct. I always have. I want to take care of those around me, I want to help everyone. I try to be optimistic and have a positive attitude. I have been given the nickname of "sunshine" on several occasions because of this. I am the one people are attracted to when needing to talk. I have always been a "safe" person to vent to. And this has always been the case. With this instinct also comes vulnerability. I tend to stay more reserved now as I don't want to be hurt again. I have been hurt/betrayed by those I thought were my friends. This blog is my "safe" place. Very few read my blog. And those that I know read it care about me and I trust them. Those that I don't know, who come across or read it don't bother me. I am who I am. I don't write this for anyone but myself. I know it isn't the most interesting read, but it is therapy for me.

I live my little life and am very happy. I have a wonderful husband, two beautiful kids, a great family, a home and a job - what more could I ask for? I am in a really good place with myself. Yes, I want to improve myself, my meds are helping, but really I am happy. I live a life that involves laughing everyday. Being silly is something that is mandatory. That and singing little made up songs. I have a husband who is my partner in this marriage and in parenting. I have a good life. Life is Good.

Not much can rock my boat. And it isn't rocked so much as I am simply in a thinking state of mind. I received a warning today from a friend that another friend who hurt me is back in town. I sound like I am back in Jr High. I sit here expecting to be upset, expecting to be uncomfortable, expecting to feel bad about myself and not wanting to be seen.

This is not the case. I am doing good. I am even smiling. We learn and grow from every event/action, or at least I hope to. I have said it many times before, if things didn't happen the way they did, good and bad, I wouldn't be where I am today. I am very happy where I am. And while the old me would hide away and feel sorry for myself because I need to lose weight, the new me is confident in who I am. I am not going to hide. I don't want to.

I am sure we will run into each other at some point. And that is ok. Things happened for a reason. I am a very different person now, and I am sure she is too. My reaction really shows me that I have forgiven and moved on. This is a good feeling. A feeling of completeness. I can see how far I have come. I always said that BestFriend helped me to gain my confidence and my self worth, and I stand by that. She is a friend that shows what a true friend is. I am very lucky to have her. She says how I am awesome and praises me. Tonight I have to agree with her words. I am awesome and I am confident.

After all, I can see through walls...