thoughts

Not sure where this is going. All I know is that I need to write. So far I am not moving my blog, I may at some point, who knows.

I did not pass my test. The testing site had a network shut down for an hour, I wasn't as prepared as I thought, the week before had extra stress...the list goes on and on. I thought I was ok with it, well really I am. But a part of me is disappointed, as I am human.

My thyroid is doing so much better. I have been on my meds for 7 weeks. I get my blood tested tomorrow. I hope the results prove that my thyroid is on track, I feel that it is. My skin is not better at all. But no one wants to treat anything while I am contemplating pregnancy. Ugh. That is frustrating too. We have not been fully trying. No tracking, no ovulation kits, nothing crazy, simply not preventing. I go back and forth whether I want to just stick with Bug and no more. Then I see siblings and I want her to have that relationship. But the truth of the matter is that I don't know how long it may take. A lot has changed with my health since having Bug.

The worst part of a miscarriage, other than the loss, is everyone knows you want another. They are watching and waiting for me to get pregnant again. If I am sick, they wonder, if I do anything different, they contemplate. Nothing is said to me, but I know it is there. My boss is wonderful, the best I have ever had. I know his wanting to learn all aspects of my job is his fear that I am going to be needing a maternity leave sooner than later. He would never ever ever say it in that way. And the way I wrote it comes across badly. Nothing like that. More like he wants to make sure we have our bases covered in case of a medical leave needed. He hasn't said anything, I am only assuming. And I don't want to wait, but I worry. And there is that I am scared. As I said above, I am human. Of course I am scared.

I am frustrated by my weight. With my thyroid at a normal range, I know that I can lose, I just need to get off my butt. In an attempt to motivate myself I had my family join the Texas Roundup Family Summer Challenge. The goal is to exercise 150 minutes a week for 8 weeks. I am hoping it works. A little motivation can go a long way. At least that is what I keep telling myself.

The good news is that I am in a cleaning and fix it up mood. We have visited some beautiful houses lately. While we cannot afford to move at this point, we want to improve our space. We have plans for the front yard, floors, and painting.

Yes, planning and laughing and being silly and hard work - that will make it all better.

Thoughts

People who make excuses irritate me. However, I realize I am making excuses too. I haven't been studying. First it was the holidays and then my eyes. No more, I need to stay on track. My boss asked me this week how it is going - I need to get back into it. I am also making excuses about my weight and my not taking better care of myself. Not sure exactly what the excuse is, but it is obviously there. I just am having trouble getting myself in a routine. Perhaps it has been the thinking of another baby, and wondering what the point in losing weight is to only gain it back. Yes, I know that I need to be healthy, yes I know my thinking is flawed.

I also need to get the house in order. This is weighing heavy on me. I am hoping that we are going to get a move on the floors. I just feel like I need a week of nothing but organizing and cleaning. Perhaps we will plan a long weekend soon and get some work done. Who knows.

My little girl turns 4 in a little more than 5 weeks. I cannot wait. I love birthdays. We need to book the location and such. I already asked for a day off from work for our annual celebration of Bug. Now don't be scared, this is Bug being a monster.OK studying, exercising, and cleaning. I can do it :-) I need to make a plan. Yes, a plan - that will solve it all - enter evil laughter.

need a break

OK so things have been beyond busy. I am doing good, though. I have been having to work late and on the weekends. But other than that, things are good. I moved into my new cubicle and it is different, but good. I have much more space and have been able to keep it tidy.

As far as my new disease, I am doing good. I found a great toothpaste for dry mouth and love my new skin cream. When moving into the new cube I found 5 bottles of eye drops. That is when I realized I have had this for 3.5 years. My eyes simply feel like they have sand in them all the time. I always thought it was due to my Graves' or computer usage. I read that thyroid issues and sjogren's is very common. That makes sense as I think the Graves and Sjoren's came at the same time.

I go in on Feb 2nd to my OB to talk about what this means for baby #2. Then I go to the Rheumatoid Dr on Feb 23. I know that seems kind of backwards, but that is how the scheduling worked out. I tried to get in with another Rheumatoid Dr but his next opening was in April.

I really am trying to take advantage of this down time to get healthier. I worked out twice this week and while my eating needs work, I am trying to be more aware.

Oh and the CMA? What has happened to that? I am still in the game. I have my next test the end of Feb. I begin my super duper studying this weekend. I hope it sticks. I want to be able to take the third section in May/June.

This week was a long and interesting one. Mom got a cat, I adjusted to my new cubicle, gave blood, watched a new president being sworn in, and colored my hair (yet again). I am feeling good today. Yesterday was a hard day, but today has been better.

I was hoping to get out some this weekend for girl time, but I just don't think I am up for it. Something laid back sounds nice.

I think I need a small vacation. Some time to rest and relax without stress sounds very nice.

Short Lived Comfort

My brother is in town from Alaska. He left 5 months ago and that still sounds strange to me. Well he is visiting. Seems odd, life seems the same to me. I miss him so much but things are "normal" here. He visits and honestly it simply feels like we haven't seen him in a couple of weeks. I know, hard to describe. He looks great. He is down 40 pounds and I am beyond proud of him. We saw him last night and again tonight. I am grateful for any time I get with him. Tonight I made him a healthy dinner. We also had some drinks, cookies, and goldfish - but at least dinner was on track. 

He got me the best present, a heavy sweater with a daisy on it. I ADORE it!!! I plan to wear it until it wears out. He also got Bug a book about Alaska and read it to her, and broke down while reading it. It was awesome. 

T and her family came out to visit too. This made me happy as we all got to share in the visiting of Brother, even if he was very quiet. We have not seen them since August. It was nice to have everyone together. It is short lived as he returns on Tuesday. He said I will see him again. I hope so. 

I had to work late two nights this week and go in today. It isn't so bad as my boss is awesome. However, it was mentioned this might have to happen more and more. I am all about stepping up and helping, but the bottom line is I have a test in 6 weeks. I have to make sure things stay in balance so I can prepare properly. I move to a new (for me) part of the building next week. it is going to be so different, lonelier even I am afraid. Right now I have people all around me to chat with me. The new location is right outside the higher ups' offices. This can be good for career (silver lining and all) but people are hesitant to come to chat when the big boss can see you.

OK off to bed. I plan to sleep in some tomorrow. 

we are all connected

First, my weekend was wonderful. Friday was a romantic date night. We used the remaining gift certificates from Sweetie's Halloween winnings last year. It made a $155 meal only $18. Woo hoo!
Saturday was my b-day gift from Bug, Madagascar 2. It was a fun movie. She slept through part of it. Fine by me as she was in my arms.
Sunday was brunch with Jim and in the evening was bowling with BestFriend. Bug beat me. Of course she had bumpers up and I didn't. All in fun, right?
We had quite a packed weekend.

This weekend was also good in a different way. A friend of mine had a miscarriage. I was able to send her my support and tell her that I understand. I hope it helped a little. I know it helped me when so many women told me that they had been through it as well.

Tonight and tomorrow night are busy as we prepare the house for the cable guy to come. Not only does it need a deep cleaning anyway, but we are finally getting cable. We have been without it since like 2001. We are adding it to save money. I know sounds so funny. So now we have to make room for a cable box.

Then my B-day. I am doing it very different this year. Since it is midweek, I am not having everyone over. I know it can be a pain to go someplace after work and then worry about getting home in time for bed. So I am declaring my b-day celebration on the weekend. We are going to Ren Fest this weekend anyway, what better time to celebrate. Plus we will be camping, so much fun!! So instead, tomorrow, we are going to Moms to eat some pizza and maybe play a game or two. We will see how it plays out. It will be weird not seeing all of the family tomorrow, but I am holding out for the weekend for the big fun. It isn't like it is a big birthday.

And I am back on the study bandwagon. I walked this morning listening to my lectures. I am very motivated to get this certification complete. It is like being in school again. Yay the semester is over, but the process is not - know what I mean? Next test hopefully is beginning of the year.

I am so looking forward to Thanksgiving. This year is SIL's turn for Thanksgiving and my turn for Christmas Eve. We are doing the Turkey Trot. It is a great way to start the unhealthy day :-) And we are already registered, so we will be there. I have wanted to do this for so many years. YAY!

And the verdict is

I PASSED I PASSED I PASSED!!!!!!

All the hours of studying over the past two months, all of the hard work, all of it was worth it. I passed the first portion. It was the hardest test I have ever taken. There were a number of questions that I didn't know. It took the entire 3 hours to test. And I even used the 15 minute software tutorial at the beginning (in addition to the 3 hours) to jot down all the equations I could think of. It was hard. At the end I was exhausted. I wasn't in the fed up mind set, but rather respecting the test and knew if I didn't pass that it was ok as it was a hard test. Then they make you take a survey on how you studied and how the testing facilities were before finding out your test score. That took forever. And then I saw it:

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

I am so happy. Thank you thyroid for being normal and letting my brain work. Thank you Sweetie for being so awesome with Bug. Thank you Bug for making me want to improve myself. Thank you Mom for listening to me freak out on a near daily basis. Thank you BestFriend for believing in me and pushing me.

One down three to go. I am taking the weekend off and beginning the next section's study on Monday.

Right now I need food. My right hand is killing me from being on a mouse for three hours. I guess I was clinching, lol.

countdown has begun

OK I test in 69.5 hours. Not that I am counting or anything :-) I am doing good. I am making sure I understand what I am studying and not cramming. If this means I don't pass this time, so be it. The bottom line is there are four tests. The items on the first three tests are on the fourth. This means I can't just forget the information when I leave, I will need it again in April or July.

And, of course, I feel like crap. I always get sick before a big test. I don't think I ever had a final in all of my college where I was completely healthy. Oh well. I hoped my surgery would cure that, guess it is in my genes. Actually that makes sense, my Dad was sick with his Surveying exams.

Another good thing is Sweetie found my alpha omega necklace. It had been missing since July. I feel more normal with it back around my neck.

The good thing is I will know if I passed by 11:30am on Saturday. It is Sweetie's Dad's b-day. That is why I scheduled it that day. Perhaps he can "stop by" and help me some with the test. He wasn't a accounting or finance person, but he was a computer programmer - so he should be able to go into the computer and tell me the right answer, right? :-)

Other than that, things are boring around these parts. We are almost ready for Halloween. I get to go as a Mom in an Orange shirt. Bug approved it.

I cleaned my desk at work. It has given me a very calming feeling. My desk gets SUPER messy during a project. I don't like to put things away that I am using. Once the project is over, I clean it. It is a ritual. Co-workers even walk by and say "so you finished a project". I also did it today as I can't sit still, I want to study. I think I will use the afternoon for some questions.

Best thing to hear:

"i love you
don't be stressed
you will succeed
and every "failure" gets you closer to full understanding and ultimate victory"

So true. What wonderful insight to hear today from Sweetie. He has been amazing. He is the most supportive with giving me time to study. He takes Bug to play and handles the chores. I am beyond lucky. Tonight is more studying. I better pas. Quite frankly I am growing bored of the topics.

And we walked

Today was Livestrong. MIL, Niece, Sweetie, Bug and I all walked. We walked in honor of those we love who are in the fight or have kicked cancer's ass. It was a lot of fun.

One week until test. I will be preparing until time of testing. I need to post pictures too.

Right now I am tired so I am gathering my girl and headed to bed :-) Nothing better than snuggling with Bug as a reward for studying.

a weight lifted

This weekend was good. Friday was date night, Saturday was b-day party for one of Bug's friends and errand day with Mom. Today was family day and the Maker Faire with BestFriend. It was cool with a life size mouse trap - like the game.

I studied at work on Friday, at Mom's on Saturday, and three hours tonight. I don't feel the most confident, but it is coming. I am doing what I can. It fully sunk in that if I don't pass, it is OK. I know that sounds counter-productive but it truly helped. I was expecting perfection and fully accepting that I am human and can only do what I can helped. After all the friend who got me into this CMA route even had to take two sections twice. Plus, I have had an rough couple of months. If I don't pass it would be understandable. With that said, I will be studying daily. I am still giving 100%, but I will not be devastated if I don't pass, I simply will pick up where I left off and study some more.

With all of that said, can I just add that I love my new nose. I had no idea how hindered my breathing was before. My Dr said I would be feeling better at this point and that in another two weeks I am going to be feeling great. I love it.

Next weekend is LiveStrong. If you are in Austin on Saturday come and walk/run with us. 3.1 miles for a great cause. What more can you ask for? Oh and the forecast shows a high of 81. Yay!

OK off to bed, I am feeling positive.

ME!!!!

I am feeling great today. Ok a little tired, but nothing out of the norm. Other than that, I feel great. I have not really posted in so long. Mostly because I haven't had much to post. I have been recovering, studying, and doing the day-to-day tasks.

It is funny today on my day of feeling good is also the day I just hit my freak out point. The point where the test is so close and I want to pass it so much but I start to doubt myself. I just need to study all the time for the next two weeks.

But I feel normal again. I don't feel sick and run down. I feel energized and silly. I feel no depression. It is a good day. And it is so beautiful outside. It is 68 degrees. I love it.

We went to Half Price Books on Tuesday. I found the greatest find. The same people who made Power90 made Slim in 6. It is a 6 week program rather than 90 days. Normally, this runs for $60. I got it for $10. I came home and checked out the DVDs to see if they were in good shape. Sure enough they look great. The previous owner completed 3 days of the program and then stopped for whatever reason. No judgement there as I have no room to talk with stopping programs. So I am going to start it tomorrow and it will end on Thanksgiving.

Of course, I also need to train for the Turkey Trot. Oh and study.

Hmmm so much I want to do.

Bug and Sweetie are doing great. He has been #1 dad and watching Bug whenever I need so I can study. She is getting so big. Her new thing is to come up to you and say "mommy, you be my best friend?". I love it. I jump up and down and act silly and say yes. I know everyone is shocked that I EVER act silly. I tell you if daycare paid more, that is where I would be working. I love hanging out at her school and with the kids. In the meantime I will just be the favorite class mom.

So off to study. Wait I am at work. I cannot study, I must be a good employee ;-)

three weeks until test
today i study at work
so nice and quiet

over five hours
listening to my lectures
brain take it all in

Hallo

I am still here. Not feeling great. But I am hanging in there. I am focusing on studying. I look forward to feeling good again. I do have two cool things to post about.

Yesterday the NP for my family doc called. My chart was being updated with the miscarriage. She saw it and called me to tell me how sorry she is. She said there are just some patients that stay on their mind and in their prayers and I am one of those patients. It meant the world to me. Makes me feel like big health isn't necessarily here. There are some small practices out there that care.

A bit of Sweetie's family history will be on display at the Texas History Museum. MIL submitted a brand for loan. It is so awesome. I cannot wait to go and see it in all its glory.

calm

Perhaps it is the calm before the storm, but I am feeling much better today. I am focusing on the good things. Won't you join me?

1. Sweetie took my computer to the Dr today. He is so awesome like that. He said I would either have a fixed computer or a new one today.
2. Computer is fixable. While a new computer would have been nice, I would like to save for it and plan for the expense, instead of a "have to".
3. I have been good with studying and enjoying the topics.
4. I am excited for the surgery. If you put your finger under my nose and I breath out you can feel the difference from one nostril to the next. There is quite a bit of difference. I am not sure what I am going to do when I can breath normal.
5. I am still focused on the P90 program. However, I have not worked out since Sunday. I don't want to overdo it and get sick. As soon as I feel up to it, I will be exercising again. It doesn't stop my 90 day goals, it just changes how I get to the end of the 90 days.
6. Week one of weight watchers went very well. I lost 3.8 - whoo hoo! I am motivated. This weigh in is what i needed before tomorrow. The old me would drown my pain with bad for me food. This is going to keep me good.
7. SIL's MIL is doing Thanksgiving this year. My year for Christmas Eve. I am beyond psyched for the Turkey Trot.
8. I am very excited about the debate tonight. I don't think I ever watched the debates like I have this election. I am going to get some dinner and enjoy my family. We are watching the debate with MIL and Mom.
9. My mood is much better today. I feel like I am peeking out of the hole. Now I just need to hoist myself out. Better yet, anyone got a hand?
10. Bug's eye is so much better. It is a beautiful shade of black/purple/yellow/green/blue. Should be perfect for picture day tomorrow.

I will update everyone with how I am doing as soon as I can tomorrow. But send good thoughts/prayers around 7-9am CST.

Weekend Update by Missy

This weekend was good. Friday night we went to Jim's and I got to see MotoDiva. She is having a rough time and seeing her face to face was very nice.

Saturday was lunch with BestFriend with a lil shopping. After the shopping we dropped Bug off at Moms and we went home to prepare for date night.

What did we do first? Nap of course. Man it was nice. Then we went to our favorite sushi place and sat at the bar. We had WAY too much sushi - I had no idea Sweetie could pack away nearly 40 pieces of sushi. He ordered a lot on his own and then I couldn't finish mine, so you know how it is. We left to see a movie only to find out what we wanted to see was not being shown at the theater we went to and by the time we got to another theater the movie would have started.

We are no longer the party animals of our youth. And that is fine by us. We found ourselves back at home enjoying each other instead of staying out late. It was a great night.

Tonight though is when Sweetie really proved himself. As we were coming home from the store and errands we drove past his Uncle. He moved into our area a few months ago. Anyway, Uncle invited us to dinner. As I wanted my much desired bubble bath and to study, Sweetie offered to take Bug and go to dinner with the family while I had alone time. Let me repeat that, ALONE TIME. I was able to take my super hot bath with candles and a beer, in peace. It was wonderful. I didn't soak long as I wanted to get some studying done. I studied for nearly two hours. I got a lot done and am very happy with myself.

That was the weekend. It wasn't the most exciting, not a drop of rain from Ike. But sometimes not exciting is best. Next weekend should be more interesting as we take Bug to her first ballet.

For now I must prepare for bed, I have an early Dr appt with my Endo. I will post my results when I get into work...er I mean when I get home and am no longer on the clock ;-)

third post in a day

Yes, it is me again. I wanted to let everyone know that I am doing good. I thought I would check in as I already finished my studying for the night, gonna get ahead some now. Sweetie is hanging with his friend tonight so Bug and I went to get cupcakes. I had the pumpkin, so so so good. Unfortunately we had to leave early due to Bug having an accident. I am reminding myself that she is only 3 months into the training and this is only the third accident she has had in public. Once we got home we got ready for bed and I started studying. YAY. I am doing good with it. I also scheduled my test. I might have to rethink it though. I scheduled it for the last Saturday available for me, which is Nov 1st. That is cool as it is my FIL's b-day and I feel I would have him around to help me. But then it hit me, it is the day AFTER Halloween, at 8 in the morning. We shall see. I don't want to do it during work, don't want to use any PTO for it. I will talk to Sweetie about it.

OK so I am good, still hyper.

So hyper today

I woke up feeling so good today. I am so hyper. I think it has to do with today I am two weeks out from my procedure. This means I am cleared for such things as exercise, a bubble bath (with wine please), and the most important SEX (WOOHOO). Sorry but it is true. Last night I had to return some maternity clothing. Yes, I know that I could become pregnant soon and would need the items. However, I would rather buy them then. I am, of course, keeping what I have already worn but I still had some items with the tags still on them. So I asked Bug if she would help me go shopping.

What does my darling daughter in 90 something degrees ask for? A coat! When I finished the return I said "you want to look at coats?" and she said "yes, one that keeps me cold, I am soooo cold". She has a "so cold" voice and she used that. It cracked me up. She picked her own coat and it is nice - pink, I know that was a shocker.

I also got me an outfit. A cute skirt and shirt. Nothing better than an outfit that makes you feel sexy. Today I feel sexy.

I went in the morning to the Vampires and hit starbucks on the way to work. It is my splurge after a dr/lab appt. I was so hyper. I am still pretty hyper. I worried about an upcoming crash due to how good I was feeling. So far that hasn't happened. I have been the most productive at work. I did everything in my in-box AND cleaned my desk. This is big for me.

So I am feeling good. I am listening to my lectures while I blog, err work, this afternoon. I am not sure what all we are doing tonight, but I am hoping for some sort of exercise, studying, and a bubble bath. Sweetie said he would take Bug to a park or something so I can take a bath by myself. I have not had that in quite some time. Yay.

I think the big thing is that I am out of the physical healing stage. That makes me feel normal again. I am still working on the emotional, but at least the physical is good.

Today I feel like life is moving on and I am a part of it. Now I think I shall work on my spreadsheets. I need to focus on my walking and my studying.

New Day

Yesterday turned into a hard and sad day. I didn't see it coming, but there it was. I felt very lost and sad. Today I am focusing on side stepping the depression hole again. I refuse to get into the depression I was in a couple of years ago.

We are having the Moms over for dinner. I am making Turkey chili with brown rice. Yummy - or at least I hope so. I might even make some cookies if I am up for it.

And we had the Internet guys out here at 7 this morning. OMG that was early, but our Internet is fixed and running smooth again.

Tomorrow Sweetie and I are going to be working out again. I have to start moving again. I have 7 weeks until LiveStrong. Plus I would like to lose a couple of pounds before we start trying again.

Oh and studying. I started again last week and this week I have to crank it into gear. I have to test by Nov and I am determined to get it underway.

I am emerging from my hole and need to hang with my friends. I think this week is going to be one of making plans.

HORMONAL

I am hormonal today. It has hit. My belly is growing and quickly. I am not sure if I will be able to keep it from work for another 2.5 weeks. Sweetie was wonderful and helped all he could this morning during my break down. He then asked to have lunch with me. This baby likes to eat. So different from Bug. Baby made me sick for like 5 days and ever since it has been all about the food.

I am starting to get excited. I am still cautious. I will feel more at ease after our appt. I just worry. We have a perfect little girl and I fear that we won't be as lucky a second time.

In other news I hope to get a ton of studying done this week. I told my boss about the CMA and he sounds excited for me. This is good. I just want to crank it out before I get too big to sit at the computer for a four hour test, lol.

BestFriend and I had a long talk today about how we don't see in ourselves what others see. She believes we focus on our own flaws instead of seeing the whole picture. That helped a ton. It is true. I focus on the things that I see as wrong. She truly is the best. So my focus tonight is to pack away clothes I cannot wear, no sense getting upset about it. And I am going to focus on doing things to make me feel pretty every day.

What a great weekend

This has been a great weekend so far, and it isn't even over. Thursday was awesome with a lunch with Sweetie's coworkers in celebration of him. No real reason, not an anniversary or promotion, they just wanted to make sure he knew how much he was appreciated. It was awesome. They even gave him two bound books of the work he has done over the last 2.5 years.

Sweetie's day continued to improve as after he left from work. He went to Mom's as I was there with a horrible headache. It was so bad I had to leave work early and go straight to sleep - Mom's house is closer to work than mine so I went there. BAD MIGRAINE. Anyway, I was awake and we were outside when he arrived. Bug ran to the door at top speed. I let her in and she ran and picked up a bag and took it to him. She said. "this is for you". Shocked, he said "for me?" I told him that we wanted to continue the celebration from lunch.

He opened the bag and started to laugh as he felt the kiosk SWAG type pen wrapped in tissue. As he unwrapped it, his face changed quickly from humor to being ecstatic. You see, what Bug gave him wasn't a pen.

It was a digital pregnancy test. And his ecstatic response was based on the "pregnant" listed as plain as day. He looked at me yelled OMG and Yay and some other happy words. He then looked at me all serious and said "are you sure?" I smiled and said "blood test confirmed". He kissed and hugged me. He hasn't stopped smiling at me.
So once again, we have the luck of getting pregnant the first month of trying. Before you think I am bragging, please know morning sickness has already set in. So much for having a fun "trying" phase. I am doing ok. I am sicker this time already. I have been fighting a headache, and I have a sore throat. I walked yesterday and I enjoyed a nice nap today and leisurely studying. It hasn't sunk in all the way. I keep telling people hoping it will be more real. Don't get me wrong we are beyond excited. But it is hard to believe that, God willing, we are going to be a family of four in March.

I know this is early to post. However, the way I see it, if something horrible happens, I will need my friends to support me. The good news is my thyroid is healthier and I am starting out over 20 pounds lighter than last time.

BestFriend was the first to know, I then blurted it out to my Mom. I knew at that point that planning in a big way to tell Sweetie, wasn't going to happen. I have a big mouth.

Last time was princess pregnancy. This time is queen pregnancy. And yes, the queen has already begun ruling.

Life is Wonderful.
She is going to make the best big sister.

**Ok quick story, I have been having symptoms and last week Bug told me out of the blue, "there's a baby in there". I was due to start on Thursday so I tested on Wednesday. I got a negative. I tested again on Thursday and received a positive. At the dr I took the urine test, it came back negative (of course my pee was practically clear to how much I am drinking). The dr said "we have seen the result of you being pregnant, so I want to know for sure today". He put a stat on the blood test and they told me he would get the official answer in 2 hours. About 2.5 hours later he called me on my cell. Indeed the answer was positive.