i caved

Oh my piece of cake
chocolate cake of mine so sweet
not south beach friendly

let's chat

Today is Tuesday, not Wednesday. All day I kept trying to make it Wednesday. But it is not. Today hasn't sucked. Mood no good, but that is ok. I was productive at work. I did realize something about my mood and eating. I went off on Friday with late night snacks, Sunday with late night dinner of fast food, and on Sunday with some girl scout cookies and chips. Now it could have been worse, but along with my mood for the last week, I knew something more was up than just PMS.

I realized it today, or at least what I think is the biggest part of my problem of late. On Monday, I will go and give blood. On Wednesday, I will go to my doctor appointment. One year since my diagnosis, one year since I left the office crying. I am stressed about this appointment. I am stressed that I won't show any improvement. I am stressed that the medicine is not working. I am stressed that I am going to have to have the RAI and go through months of regulating meds due to the killing of the thyroid. I just don't like the idea of the RAI.

Yesterday, I found a book on alternative treatments for Graves'. I will get it tomorrow. I hope it has some good insight. I understand that I cannot let it go untreated. And I understand that hypothyroid - the most likely result of RAI - is much better than hyperthyroid. I look back at when my Graves' was untreated. Hindsight shows all the symptoms I had, the lack of concentration, things not making sense, and so on and so forth. And I fully believe I am hypo right now. I am exhausted all the time, depressed, and having slow to little weight loss. If this isn't me hypo, I worry what else is wrong. Blah.

I have not walked. But not for lack of excuse. On Sunday my knee was bothering me, yesterday I took Bug to Gymnastics and my evening got away from me, and tonight we went shopping for SIL#2. Not good excuses, but excuses nevertheless. I am hoping to get back out there tomorrow. And my eating has been back on track both yesterday and today.

Hopefully, after my appointment I will feel back in control.

Chilin

Currently, I am at BestFriend's house. I am enjoying a non-fat sugar-free latte. It is the yummy. Today has been a good day. Sweetie was supposed to be at work all day for some freelance work. Luckily, he decided to enlist the help of BestFriend's husband. This meant that we get to hang out with them. It has been so very long since we hung out with them like this. Today is also a day to celebrate Sam's b-day. We went to lunch and have been hanging out and playing games. It has been just what I needed. And I walked again. I walked last night when I got home and I walked this morning. Yay for me. And I just have to add that Chuy's grilled chicken salad with their cilantro vinaigrette is so very good. I love avocado.

I am feeling a lot better. I have a plan to get my life in order and to feel better. Don't get me wrong, I know I am not a helpless case, I just want to see some improvements. And I have not decided yet if this means that I push through the CPA now or postpone it. Both have their pros and cons. And I think that the walking is already helping. And with the way my knee is feeling, I believe it is in my best interest not to do the Cap 10k. I hate writing that, I truly wanted to do it. I want to get in the best shape possible and with my knee the best approach is slow and consistent. My knee has not had the worst pain. More that it has been letting me know that my workouts are working it - feeling sore and a bit uncomfortable.

That is all I have to add right now. Mostly, I wanted to let everyone know that thankfully I am not having a sad day today. I think it is the first non-sad day all week. I think that is positive. And I will take any positive I can.

But now I must get back to my friends. They make me giggle. And if you know me, you know that is so very rare ;-)

** oh and we have been playing on the wii that they are borrowing and having so much fun. So far I have tried the bowling, tennis, and baseball.

Time to turn it around

Today is another hard day. I am getting quite sick of this. I feel like I losing touch with reality. I am at work hoping they don't expect too much from me today. I have a lot to do, auditors come next week.

Drink water, eat nuts, walk around office, turn down breakfast tacos. Feeling better? Not yet. Chat with friends. I admit to my sad day. That is hard for me. They try to cheer me up. It worked a little. I did smile a few times.

I had lunch with Tiff, she works at telecom. I got caught up on a lot of the gossip. It was great to see her. But my mood, it isn't all better. Blah. She wants me to go to the happy hour tonight. It is downtown. We will see. Asshole boss will be there.

OK not going tonight, starting getting bad girlie cramps. Not fair. She said there is going to be another happy hour at the end of March. I will have to make that one. I just want to go home and take some meds.

So in honor of helping me get me out of my rut, I am going to focus on some good things about today:
~ Waking to Bug snuggling me and talking to me about what I can only figure is the weather
~ Sweetie making me my chai this morning
~ Seeing a friend that I have not seen in over a year
~ Best Friend writing the best haikus about me
~ I walked last night, two nights in a row - and I feel it in my legs, not sore - more like I can tell the muscles have been used, I cannot wait to walk tonight - plus I earned a bubble bath - three workouts = bubble bath (I did upper body weights on Monday)
~ I get to see family tonight
~ Having a job where I am not working 12 hour days to prepare for the audit
~ Singing silly Sandra Boynton songs to make me smile
~ Planning my workouts so I can run the LiveStrong Challenge in October - yes this makes me happy as I love to plan
~ Knowing that I am working to be a healthier person with movement and good food

Haikus curtosey of BestFriend

Missy is my friend
She NEVER giggles at all
only serious

Missy is not a
Panda even though she is
everyone's favorite

I love Pandas so
Especially the baby
at Atlanta zoo

Missy's smile is so
Beautiful she makes the room
Turn yellow sunshine

With that I am headed out. I am on a mission to turn this frown upside down.

SPF

Once again Kristine tells us what to post for stuff portrait Friday. This week, SPF: ‘Your TO DO list’.

I have many to do lists. Due to a little person being in love with making lists herself, I am lacking in the post-it note department at home. But know, at work I have excel, word, and post-it notes to mark my to do list.

At home, everything sacred is kept on the computer. Or else you don't know where you might find your list. Here is my computer with three to-do lists. One in excel (of course), one in word, and one in omni-outliner.

YAY MOUSE!

I hear that about once a day from Sweetie. But no, this time I am saying it. And not about myself. I got a new mouse. YAY. It took me trying to work with my other one until my wrist hurt and asking IT if we have any others - small company and all. Sure enough our very cool IT guy hooked me up.

YAY MOUSE!

Karma Karma

Yesterday, I received an invite to a going away happy hour for the telecom company I worked for - aka where Asshole boss works. I open the invite and see not one name as the guest of honor but SIX. And to top it off the person who sent me the invite also is leaving. Asshole boss was not on the list, not sure what he is going to do. Everyone is jumping ship. Only a year and 2 months since I left, and everyone is leaving due to a buyout. Crazy. And I almost went back there, I would have if AP Manager could have paid me more. 6 months of sick time was awesome. I am so happy she couldn't work with my salary requirements. I am so happy to not be going through that stress. I truly like where I am at. Oh and my temp - the one who filled in for me when I was on maternity leave, she is on the list as well. I will see if I can make it. It would be fun to see my friends again.

Today is a hard day for some reason. I had to work through lunch, which isn't horrible, but I wanted to get out. My food was yummy but I am wanting some junk food. No, I will not give in. I am doing too good to give in. Last night I walked. I walked for 30 minutes at a brisk pace while pushing Bug in the stroller - she slept. I got a good workout. And I got back in time to chat with the Bitches. I love that I am getting to know them better before the blowout. They are some really great women. And now that I have seen Kami drunk on video, I cannot wait to party with her *grin*.

I don't know why I am having a hard day. Maybe it is hormonal. Maybe it is because the weather is just too pretty. Yesterday, Sweetie and I had lunch outside. It was wonderful. Maybe it is because I am just crazy. Hopefully walking will help.

Neutral is not an option. I cannot let days like this get to me. I am stronger than that. I am better than that. I am the one in charge here. And we all know how much I love control.

And why is my mouse picking today to be a pain? Seriously having trouble moving it around. Stupid ball mouse.

Fat Tuesday

Quick post before I pass out. After 5 weeks on SouthBeach, I am hurting. Tonight was Fat Tuesday. Being the good girl I am, I indulged like you should on this day. Sweetie's waffles and a sweetheart shake from sonic. I could not finish the shake. I am full, have a headache, and just want to sleep. Happy Fat Tuesday Everyone!

Tomorrow, I will be back on the beach.

Now what to give up for lent. I am not sure.

Shopping Therapy

I am not bad today. But yesterday, yesterday I was sad. Not sure why. I had fun playing in the morning with my family. I took a long shower, and then it hit. Depression. I didn't want to go anywhere. I wanted to sit on the floor and not move. I wanted to listen and look at the details of the world spinning around me. Sweetie made sure that I got out. We did our errands. And he even enlisted the help of Mom. She spent the day with us and we chatted. I only cried a couple of times. By the end of the day I was feeling better. And I am happy to say that today I am feeling much better. That is the fun of depression. At least the kind I suffer from. It comes and goes, some days are good and some are bad. That is the fun of life. BestFriend and I were chatting about it and discussing what it is like when you are low like that. It is almost too comforting. The depression holds you like a blanket. It is very hard to describe to those who have never experienced it. But today is a new day and today is good.

We went to Target last night. Another attempt from Sweetie to make me happy. By the time we got there, I was already feeling better so we had fun. We found a comforter for our bed on sale for $27. It is fun and colorful and makes us think of the beach. We also found a wonderful painting for Bug's big girl room. While her room will not have a big change, there will be more pink items, more glitter, and more bugs. It is the neatest painting. I will post photos when we complete the room. I think it is a little busy for Sweetie. But, apparently, my face showed that I was in love with it at first sight. He said we had to get it.

Tonight is gymnastics. This means I get some me time. Not sure what I am going to do yet. hmmmm house work vs. bubble bath. Hard decision.

Picture Time - again

This is Bug and Me on Valentine's Day. It was PJ day at school. She looked so cute. And don't mind the pumpkin - she just gets a little confused with holidays still.
This is yesterday. We went to a Vineyard for a lunch and tasting as a surprise for my Brother's b-day. He was very surprised. Yay. And Bug, of course, was as cute as ever.

This morning we enjoyed sleeping in. When we woke up to the hugs and kisses of Bug we all played under the covers. First is Sweetie and me under the covers and then, of course, Bug.

TGIF

First a HUGE HAPPY BIRTHDAY BROTHER. Today he turns 38. Yay Brother. I get to see him tomorrow night to celebrate.

I did not get a chance to blog about valentines day. It was the best Valentine's Day. Sweetie and I had lunch at Texas Land and Cattle, where he worked before UTS. It was very good. I was awesome and didn't have any of the bread and ate very healthy.

That night we went and got a pizza - extra thin crust, whole wheat, lean meats, and veggies. We ate it while watching Saw. It was a good movie and really makes you think. One thing I promised Sweetie though, if I am kidnapped with Bug for over 8 hours and I somehow get the gun from the kidnapper - you shoot RIGHT THEN. You do not wait and say "don't move". Nope, just shoot.

He was bad and did give me a present. He made me a mix cd. OK not like a HS mix tape or anything. He picked songs that I love that are on his itunes and not on mine - due to purchasing off itunes or downloads from other places. It is the best CD. He titled it "10 of Hearts". He also made me some playing cards of the 10 of hearts. He is the best.

Top the night off with some dark chocolate with mint and you have my perfect evening. And I was sooo good. I am proud of myself. We even worked out while the pizza cooked. Sweetie did an incredible arm workout and I did some upper body but much more my speed - I just can't do pull-ups let alone hand stand push-ups.

I have pictures to post from Valentine's Day. Bug and I were dressed cute. But I have to wait until I am blogging from home.

And now randomness:
~You know you are old when you cannot relate when you hear someone discuss how they don't want to move because they like their HEB as it is 24 hours. I cannot remember the last time I was in an HEB after 1am - prob 5 years ago or more.
~Only 2.5 more weeks until I get my thyroid tested again.
~I hit my knee on my nightstand on Saturday night. OUCH. And, of course, it was my bad knee. Depending on how it is doing, I may not be up for the 10k on 3/25. I hope I am. I want to do it this year as it is the 30th year.

Senses

A Valentine's Day proposal? Yep. That is how it worked out. Sweetie swore he wasn't going to propose on such a cheesy holiday. However, the perfect moment for proposal happened to fall on Feb 14, 1997. He was in a production at Texas State that performed that night. He had a stage and an audience for his big moment. He stood alone on the stage in front of a crowded auditorium. While holding flowers he stated how if he lost his sight that he would still see my beautiful face, if he lost his hearing he would still hear my voice, etc throughout the five senses. He finished with asking me if I would be his senses for the rest of his life. I said yes.

If you see my prayer box necklace that I wear. The inside is the same sentiment. I hold his senses. I keep him alive.

He told me that when he proposed that it would be a surprise and that our family would be there. While I had some instinct that he was going to pop the question, the biggest confusion was my family. I sat with MIL, FIL, SIL #2, and Niece (they wanted to see his performance). But my family was not there. I found out quickly after the proposal, as we walked back stage, that he had my mother, father, and Godmother in the balcony. While both our fathers did not live to see our wedding, they both saw the proposal. That means so much to me.

Kiss your loved ones today. Not because Hallmark tells you to, but because you never know.

Randomness as I waste time before leaving work

Today is Tuesday. Tuesday mornings are hard. Sweetie has to be at work early on Tuesdays. This means I don't see much of him until the evening. And I miss the guy. Imagine that. I don't know what I would do without gchat all day.

I am in a good mood. I am a little sore today, but nothing like I was afraid of. I am wasting my last few minutes at work because I have been working very hard all day and didn't even take a lunch. And I want to blog.

So what to blog about. Tonight is Gilmore Girls. Which is nice because mom comes over, but I am mad at the show so we aren't talking about it.

We have not decided about tomorrow. Other than a couple of things. 1) We are NOT eating out tomorrow night 2) We are not exchanging gifts, or we better not as I will be screwed - i got him nothing 3) We are hoping for a fun evening with a DVD and maybe some good food brought in 4) Well I did get something for him but he was there and it is just as much for me *wink wink*, so we shall see 5) We are going tonight to get the chocolate for tomorrow. I want healthy dark chocolate 6) If I workout tonight and tomorrow morning I could have a bubble bath tomorrow night, that would be nice.

And with that I think I wasted enough time to go home, lol.

Have a great evening.

One Down

I feel great. Tonight while Bug and Sweetie were at gymnastics I worked out. I did 10 minutes of abs and about 30 minutes of upper body. Right on! I am awesome. I know I will be sore tomorrow. But today was a good start.

Only two more workouts and I will meet my one week challenge - to workout three times this week. If I accomplish it, I get a full on hour long candlelight bath. They say it is all about motivation.

Off to the grocery store - what fun.

** updated ** did not make it to the store. Bug went to sleep like a good girl and I had work I needed to do, and almost completely forgot. Luckily, I have Sweetie. He got everything we needed.

The Results Are In

After four weeks on SouthBeach, I measured myself. The results are good. I am down 6 pounds. I am keeping at my 1 pound a week loss. That works for me. I am happy with any loss. But the most awesome thing is that I am also down 1" on each calf, 1" on each arm, 1" off my hips, and 2" off my waist. No wonder Sweetie says I look thinner - I am. I like this. Talk about motivation to start exercising. If I can have a loss like this without exercising, imagine what exercising could do. That is the goal for this next week.

This was a great weekend. Sweetie and I enjoyed each other so much. I love weekends that turn out great without any plans or expectations. I got my hair trimmed, Sweetie got his cut very short again - he can't pay for a trim, he just doesn't think it makes sense. We got errands done, talked a lot, spent time with family, took care of Bug, felt frustration together with Bug (she is 20 months and just starting to feel better while still not herself, that can cause frustration), and made the best SB friendly hamburgers. Mom and I even had a chance for a couple of good talks. It has been awhile since we just chatted - in spite of seeing each other on an average of three times a week. And the sewing party was a success. We talked about the upcoming wedding. I hope we didn't freak SIL#2 out too much. We kept asking about details and she had not thought of them. It will all come together.

It was just a good weekend. It was the kind of weekend that makes you feel very comfortable in your life, like putting on your favorite pair of jeans. I really am happy in my life. I know this is where I am supposed to be. So why so sentimental? Other than me being my normal self? Valentine's Day is coming up. And before you groan, it is a special day to me. Nothing to do with hearts, candy, or overpriced flowers that wilt by the end of the night. No, for me it marks the night that Sweetie proposed to me. This Wednesday marks 10 years for us. Ten years since he got on stage and proposed to me. Ten years since I made the most important, and best, decision of my life. Yes, I am very sentimental. Yes, I am very date driven. Yes, this is how the posts are going to be this week. What are we doing to celebrate? Not sure. Something very us, I am sure.

With that I am going to bed. I have a little girl whose schedule is off and I need to get her to sleep.

SPF - and update

SPF: Random And Odd
Stuff Portrait Friday - Something RED:
OK, I can do red. Here is a red crayon on our bedspread. For bonus points I have Bug mimicking Sweetie last night while watching TV in our bedroom.









Bug is doing better today. Still home as the doctor ordered. Today was the first day since Sunday that she woke up with a smile. Yay. She is getting closer to being herself. Work has been good. I only had to use 1.5 days of PTO - Monday and half of Wednesday. I worked until 8 last night, which wasn't bad. Tonight I got out at 6, so that is good. The best part? My boss has asked how Bug is doing every day. This is huge. Asshole boss didn't and that was one of my biggest complaints.

I am doing good. Kinda of a sad day today. Not sure what is going on with that. I am also so tired. I am chalking that up to Bug being sick and our schedules out of whack. Blah.

While I am not sure that I lost weight this week, I do know that Sweetie said that my stomach looks smaller. I love it. I will know for sure this weekend when I do my measurements.

This weekend also marks a sewing day for SIL#2. We are getting together to add beads and such to her dress. It should be fun.

OK that is all that is fit to update, we are boring, lol. Have a great weekend.

One FLU Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Well there you have it - the FLU! I got the most dreaded of calls for a working mom around 11. Bug had a fever. Crap! Call doctor, they said to bring her in asap and they would work her in. Crap! Shut down computer, go to boss's office, he wasn't there. Crap! Log back into computer and email boss. Get Bug from school and get her to the doctor. Full waiting room. Crap! After a long wait, see the doctor. Fever of 101.4. Nose culture to test for flu. Positive for Flu. Crap! Guess that flu shot didn't take. Crap! She can't go back to school until Monday. Crap!

So I got to spend the afternoon with my hot potato. After motrin and a three hour nap she is feeling a bit more like herself, though not 100%. And try to explain to a 20 month old that she can't go outside because she is sick even though she feels better. It is not easy.

Tomorrow and Friday Sweetie and I will be doing the 'ol swing shift in taking care of her. It sucks. This is the worst part of being a working mom - a sick child.

I am so very lucky to have Sweetie. He is the best father.

While writing out a prescription for Bug, the Dr also wrote one out for me, just in case. I appreciate that. I will not get this though. I am strong.

And Sweetie made me an icon today for my new external hard drive. He loves me. It is so awesome.

What day is today?

I am a little lost today. Yesterday, I stayed home with Bug. I think she is getting in more teeth and it is bringing her down. She was super grumpy so I decided she needed a mommy day. She took TWO naps - she hasn't done that for like 8 months, unless she is sick. The first one was 2 hours and the second was 3 hours. We had fun, we played and went to Target. It was a very nice and relaxing day. And, of course, now today feels like a Monday.

So let's talk about the 'ol diet. I hit my 5 pound mark. Please keep in mind each oz has been slow to lose due to my meds. This weekend, with carnaval, I was not spot on. I had some spinach dip, crackers, and brownie bites at the hotel room. And then I had honey mustard dressing and brocolli and cheese soup at Kerby Lane. That combined with the hamburger and french fries at Fudruckers on Sunday - means I gained a little weight back, hence the reason I weighed today and not yesterday. What I learned is that I went off and I got right back on. The old Missy would have eaten badly all day Sunday. I was good. Yesterday, I ate phase one and today I am back to phase two. I don't feel guilty or upset with myself. That is another huge problem for me, I expect perfection. And when I don't give it, I give up. That is not the case this time. Yay me for taking this as the lifestyle change that it is.

And one more month until my next blood work. Hoping they reduce meds at that point.

Today is a beautiful day. It makes me want to walk. I hope I get a chance tonight before the craziness of the evening begins. I have been contemplating rejoining the gym. However, Sweetie pointed out that we might want to have the habit of exercise before we add a commute into the mix - even a 5 minutes one. So, I am going to use that as a goal - myabe when I reach a certain weight and I need some intense exercise to reach goal. Until then I am going to workout to the best of my ability at home and put that $115 a month towards our next vacation.

I am feeling good. Which is good. Last night I had sadness. I hate middle of the night, wake up wide awake, kind of sadness. But I am feeling much better this morning. I think it was mostly due to needing more sleep. Who knows. But what I do know is that when the alarm went off I was sleeping so nicely that I didn't get up and exercise. I pressed snooze. And I was dreaming that my dreams were making the alarm go off.

OK It is time to start getting ready to get my Bug.

Carnaval - 2007

Carnaval was a success. Friday during lunch I found my costume. Then on Saturday morning, Sweetie and Bug went to the mall with me and we found the remaining items very easily. We were so successful finding my items that we had enough time to create Sweetie's brain child of a costume - he came up with it around 1. We caravaned with MotoDiva, her Jeff, IronDiva, and BestFriend. We met at DarkDiva's hotel room to get ready and a little bit of chatting. As always, this was a busy scene with everyone getting ready. There was painting and assembling of costumes. I used black hairspray - you know to be completely different. This was almost a huge mistake. The color came off on my neck, face, and hands. Sweetie helped me clean it off. Luckily, it dried enough that I did not get covered again. What was my costume? I was Space Girl - protector of the world. And look at my boobs - I really had boobs. And the bra pushed me up in a way that made them jiggle really well. I showed that off a lot.Sweetie went as Bubble Boy. He was my uhm... side kick. His costume is silver bubble wrap (which he had to paint himself), underwear, and silver boots. He was a HUGE hit and he ate it up. I love that he was so accessible. He even carried around a roll of bubble wrap to let people pop.
This is BestFriend. This was her first Carnaval. She was the one who made me decide to go even without a costume idea or the weight loss that I wanted. She is my best friend. She is the kind of friend that I know I will have forever. No matter what I know she is there for me. She was the first friend I talked with about my Depression. When I met her I was not happy or strong. She helped me change that. She helped me give up on crappy friends that I had and focus on surrounding myself with people I adore. She is Beautiful. I don't think she knows it. I know it and now others know it.
This is IronDiva. She is the one that has completed a FULL IRONMAN. Talk about feeling flabby and out of shape whenever you are around her. And what sucks worse is that she is really nice so it is hard to hate her. On the walk from the hotel to Carnaval she mentioned that she ran for an 1.5 hours that day. Uhm, well I walked some of the mall. Does that count?






This is DarkDiva applying lipstick to BestFriend. DarkDiva's meca is Carnaval. She spends a lot of time, thought, blood, sweat, and tears in the design and production of her and other's costumes. It is amazing what she comes up with. My costume last year was all her.




This is MotoDiva's Jeff (left). He is well over 6 foot and was exactly what you are thinking, the Jolly Green Giant.
This is DarkDiva's Jeff (right). His costume was awesome. He was painted with several colors and had working lights.






Regrettably, I do not have great shots of either MotoDiva or DarkDiva in their finished costumes. I do have some partial shots. The left is MotoDiva and the right, in the middle, is DarkDiva.









This is our group that caravaned together as we entered the party. After our feet had enough, we went and ate at Kerby Lane - yum! It was a great time. Oh and here are the skeletons. So cool!

SPF

Feb 2nd 2007

SPF:

Buttons.

Not very creative, but the first thing that comes to mind when you mention buttons is Sweetie.

This is his bag and his collection of buttons.

This is the inside. And this is the outside. On the outside he keeps the buttons he designed. The top is a Specks Button, middle is what he made for Bug's b-day and the last is the one he made for my b-day. Next purchase in our house will be a button maker. Did you play?

Rant

I came on to rant about my Carnaval Costume issues. Still no costume. Idiots. But I don't want to repeat everything that happened during my three hour lunch. Summary I know how credit card machines work as I have used them and skipping my to go order at a fast food place is not acceptable.

Instead, I feel like writing about something else. Me. When I was in HS I wanted to go into psychology. I wanted to help people solve their problems. Then I changed my major to Health and Fitness Management. This was a degree that had kinesology and business management. I wanted to help people get healthy. My dream was to open a gym for women only that people could work out easily and quickly. If only I had the funding at the time, I could be the owner of Curves. As they say, there are no new ideas. How did I end up with two degrees in Accounting? I really like it and I am good at it.

All of my life people have talked to me. Friends would vent to me and ask me advice. Teachers would even talk to me about their personal lives. In hindsight (hindsight is 20/20 - that is for you Sweetie) they were out of place confiding in a student like that. But that is how it is has always been. Whether I am your coworker or even your manager, I find people telling me things that I could use against them if I chose to. Bug's teachers and director confide in me. They vent to me about other teachers and other parents. This is out of line, but I listen, that is what I do. With my current friends I listen, they tell me their secrets, their challenges, their ghosts. And I listen. And I love listening, do not get me wrong.

Yesterday during my review, my boss mentioned that he is there if I need to vent and that it seems that people vent to him a lot. He already commented that I get along with anyone and have a great attitude (this is why people are surprised to hear about my depression). This is true. I was the kid in HS without a real "group", I got along well with the stoners, preps, kickers, skaters, or even the nerds. And I never thought twice about it. My boss also gets along with everyone. I told him that is why I think people vent to us. Because we get along with everyone.

My mother raised me how she was raised. You do not share your dirty laundry. This translates to the fact that I listen, but I rarely vent. I don't complain about Sweetie to my friends. I was raised not to. I only complain about things like that to Sweetie or Mom. The same goes with my depression. I try not to talk about it. I don't want to bring people down. A lot of people did not know about my depression until I started blogging about it. For some reason, this blog is my girlfriend where I can vent. So what you see here on this blog, it is me. It is my life - plain and simple.

Maybe that is why I am close to 700 posts. I feel comfortable leaving my thoughts here for the world to find. And while it is me, and I have some very deep posts, it does not phase me when I find out new people are reading my blog, like MotoDiva's Jeff or DarkDiva's Jeff. However, I know I don't vent back to my friends the way they vent to me. BestFriend and HowieMaui have brought it up. I am working in it. For some reason it is very hard for me. I love to listen, I feel that I help. I think one of the biggest problems, though it is not a problem - rather a hindrance - is that I am so comfortable telling Sweetie anything. I vent to him about girl things, work things, family things, Sweetie things - and once I vent it is pretty much gone. I don't feel like I need to vent any more. In the meantime, keep coming here and learning about me.

I think the other part of the problem is that I am an introvert. I am told all the time that I have the best attitude and am always happy. This isn't wrong. But this is why people are confused when I say I am depressed. I try to have a great outlook on life even when life serves you crap sandwiches. And while I am giggly and happy, I am an introvert. I would rather email than call, I would rather sit in my cube and work and not deal with people. I like to be in the background. If that makes sense. Most days I am very content to simply hang out at home with Sweetie and Bug. I am working on this. I am putting myself out there to new people. That is how I am working on being more of an extrovert, trying new things.

Last night I was a part of the Bitches Chat Night. These are the ladies that I know from their blogs and I will meet in April. Yes, I am going. This is a HUGE step for me, to leave town on my own (without the comfort of Sweetie, other friends, or coworkers) to meet, and party, with strangers. But I think it is important. Sweetie thinks it is important. It is funny. I feel like I know these ladies. Like I have been watching the lives of the cool girls. I don't comment on the sites I read as much as I would like, bad Missy - I know. But I do have several sites that I read on a daily basis. I feel like last night they brought me into their world, the cool girl world. And I cannot wait to meet them face to face. Thank you TBG for bringing me into the group!!! You bitches are wonderful, and cracked my shit right up.