Signs

There have been many times in my life where I knew something was about to happen before it did or the universe/my subconscious/spirits try to warn me. Smoke detectors going off for no reason, power going out at exactly the right moment, knowing of family members passing before it happens are a few of the things that have happened. I try to listen to these ques and follow what I am being told. Today Sweetie took Bug with my MIL to Seaworld. This was the biggest trip without me with them. L and I slept in after we sent them off and once happily awake we set out for my mom's. I have been studying again. Part of my study are lectures that are on my ipod that I listen to through the aux cable in the car. I finished the lectures for this week and I went to set my ipod to the next section for next week. It landed instead on a song that I love deeply but never comes up on my music shuffle. I said aloud "OK, I will listen to this now". And it was perfect. I think truly it is my favorite song. Of course close runner ups are Icecream, Montana, and Answer.

I listened to the lyrics and sang along. L is still too young to ask for a quiet trip like Bug does. Side note she is like me. We don't need to be entertained at all moments, we can entertain ourselves, and we don't always need music on, sometimes we thrive in the silence. So it hit me and it was good. Through happy tears I texted Sweetie to let him know about this feeling I was having. Unfortunately text does not allow enough characters so he thought I was upset at first. No worries, I got my point across.

The song was Somewhere Over the Rainbow / What a Wonderful World by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. I adore this version. And this was just what I needed to remind me of what I have. You see there are many levels that this song applies. First, the baby you have after a loss is called a rainbow baby (the happy after the storm). Bug went with me to all my regular OB appointments. On the stairs in the morning the light hits in a way that shows rainbows, I know simple science, but it was special to me and the baby I was carrying. This Dr became known as the Rainbow Dr. Honestly those little lights gave me more hope than any of the sonograms. Because for him to be a rainbow baby, he would have to survive. The universe was telling me he would. She didn't understand about what a rainbow baby was but she looked for the rainbows each time. Somewhere over the rainbow I get my L. Not to put Bug on any lower level at all. I need them BOTH, they complete me. I am who I am because of them.

This song also made me think about me and Sweeite and our journey. We have had our rough patches, I never claimed otherwise. We took back control, sought help, refound each other, and renewed our vows. We grew stronger. The song reminded me that I was wishing upon a star to wake up where the clouds were far behind me. I have blogged recently on how good I am doing with me. It is true. I keep surprising myself and being proud of myself - these are very good things. I like who I am. I know how I got here, I accept the past - can't do a damn thing about it, and look happily to the future. It is all about growth. But to listen to the song made me realize that my wish did come true. The wish I made with every birthday candle, turkey wishbone, coin in the fountain and eyelash blowing. It came, and continues, to come true. Not that I will ever give up wishing and fighting. It IS a wonderful world. Now I have to admit I may have listened to this song a good five more times today. It makes me smile. It is such a "Missy" song.

Combine that with a great day with my Mom. Eating healthy on the weekend, shocking I know, having a wonderful dinner with Mom and Brother, and finishing with a cute movie, and I am feeling good. This week things really clicked for me. I have no idea where I stand on the weight loss front, but I know I have followed my points for six days. This included, baileys, cheesecake, eating out, and a crazy week at work. If I can lose this week, I can continue this. The challenge at work helps my motivation, but really all of the sudden it clicked that I have to do this for me. I cannot compare myself to anyone else, this is my journey. How fast I lose, how fast I walk, how long it take me to reach my goals do not involve anyone else. I am the one who has to do the work, I am the one who is worth it. It does help to have a spouse who is so supportive. He is tracking too, not that he has much to lose at all, but it does make it easier. Here's to my motivation lasting through Aug 6th :-)

happy

There is more drama. Well that isn't the right word. But I was once again reminded yesterday by three people how much our friendship means to them. It simply makes me smile.

I am very busy coming up. This weekend is the 4th and next week is Mom's b-day.

And I started my studying. I am feeling good about it. We shall see. The good news is with this certification I find out if I passed the minute I finish the test for three out of the four sections.

OK sorry to be short, must get Bug and meet friends for dinner.

LiveStrong Tomorrow

Tomorrow is LiveStrong. YAY. I have not been walking. But that is ok. I may be slow but I will finish.

Last night was so wonderful with my friends. My Divas are awesome. I am feeling so much better. It truly is amazing at how much better I am feeling. I am more focused, more awake, with more energy, higher sex drive (if you must know), and all in all feeling better.

I don't know what is going to happen with my thyroid. And I am ok with that. I am simply focusing on being healthier for me. But what I do know is when I said over and over and over and over the past oh 10 months that I felt I was hypo, I was. I have my blood work and I am going to keep it close to me. Regardless of how my thyroid goes I will be able to say "see these numbers, this is when I feel best, keep me here".

My b-day is a month away. YAY! Though Sweetie said that we are skipping it due to the anniversary coming up. He is funny. So my goal is to workout and be healthy and see a weight loss before my b-day. Nothing crazy, just down :-)

Ok Just realized that all the bosses are gone and all my peeps are gone, why am I here? I think I will go get a Bug and a Sweetie and go to packet pick up for LiveStrong.

Be healthy everyone!

motivate me

Do you know what ticks me off? I blog all day at work. Meaning that I will write some, then when I get a chance an hour or so later, I will add more. I was in such a mode to leave for my Bug that I closed all my programs and windows - without saving. Post gone. So I start over. And damn, I had some good stuff in that one.

Today's focus has been on motivation. I need to come up with motivating tactics to get me to eat right and exercise. For example, if I exercise for a day - what can I get/do? Or if I eat right how do I reward myself? I know that the way I feel should be enough, but it just isn't. The only real time I have for exercise is the mornings. This means that I need to get out of bed. That is the problem. I read that it works for some people to only allow themselves to shower or put on makeup if they exercise. It is about making yourself do something that you feel you need only if you follow through with your exercise commitment. So that is what I have to figure out, what is my thing that would make me get out of bed and exercise?

And good news on the CPA front. At least I hope it is good. They are looking into why I don't know my password. No worries, I have the book so I can start regardless.

OK I am so very tired today. Almost falling asleep at my desk. That is no good. I am off to take a shower and hit the hay early. No chatting with the bitches tonight, sorry girls - catch you next week.

Pulling up my Big-Girl Panties

I tend to want things right away. How can I do it fastest? That usually sets me up for failure. I am here to admit that I am being an adult and being realistic. For the CPA I was going to take all four sections of the CPA in 6 months. Each section requires 100 hours of study. For those of you who hate on math - that is 400 hours of study needed over six months. That boils down to 16 hours needed a week. That is not unheard of. I have studied more than this when I was in school. However, the biggest differences between now and then are 1) a little girl I like to hang out with 2) a relationship with Sweetie that is so much better than ever and I want to spend as much time as I can with him 3) a disease that feeds off stress 4) old enough to know over scheduling leads to failure which will only prolong the wonderful results that much longer.

I am instead doing the slower option. This means I will be testing one section per cycle. The way the test works now is there are two months of a "testing window" followed by a month without testing - when they grade the tests. You can take the four sections in any order and as many as you want in a testing window - as long as you do not repeat a section.

Here is the plan:
April 30th - CPA class begins, as scheduled before. I am taking the Financial Accounting and Reporting section - the hardest one. Why you ask? Because once you pass one section, you only have 18 months to pass the other three. If I take the hardest one and don't pass the 18 months do not start. Plus when I do pass it, and the 18 months begin, I do not have to worry about studying for the hardest portion. See how smart that is? The next available testing window for me is July-August. I plan to test the week of July 23rd (hope to get results in September). I say plan as I have to send in a form, and money of course, to ask to take the test (even though my application is approved and all). However, they only give you 90 days to test once the permission is given. Which means I cannot send in my paperwork until 4/23.

The old way had me studying, like I said, 16 hours a week. This way has me studying 7 and change and meeting the goal of 100 in the 13 weeks. That is doable. I can still work on my flylady, my walking, play with Bug and Sweetie, have dates, have lunch away from the office, and most importantly work on the floors. This also mean that I will not have overlapping classes as the old way would force me to do.

Now don't worry, I already altered my spreadsheet and changed my plans for the "easiest" section for over the holidays. This is not the easy way out, but more doable. I still need to get into a routine with studying and schedules. I just need to focus on passing this first section and not worry that it is going to take a year.

Here my schedule for the remaining three sections:
Audit - week of 10/22/07 - results in December
BEC - week of 1/21/08 - results in March
REG - week of 4/21/08 - results in June

The bottom line is that Bug is getting too big and fun to miss any more time that I need to and I want this test DONE before baby #2. Sweetie is awesome and was totally willing to pitch in with the house and Bug for me to do the fastest option. But that would mean I would miss a lot of Bug's next 6 months. Not to mention a vacation during that time would be difficult. And Sweetie and I are already planning our next adventure.

OK I will have to finish playing with my spreadsheets later. I have a Bug to get and dinner to fix - don't I sound all domestic? HA! Good mood - can't you tell?

Check In

OK check in time on goals and new me. What I did this weekend for me:

• Walked 1.75 miles on Saturday morning
• Went to Victoria's Secret with BestFriend and bought sexy undergarments
• Bought some sexy smell good
• Had fun at MotoDiva's party and did my cardio bowl - was sore for 2 days after
• Reading more on a book on healing and forgiveness
• Weighed and measured so I can see progress
• Bought an outfit for the BlogBlowout that I normally would not have

Easter is this weekend. We are hosting and having fajitas - yummy. But that means that I need to clean. UGH. Can I have a few more hours in the day? I have Friday off and that is a good thing. Tonight's goal is to walk 2 miles, do some Easter shopping and clean the kitchen.

You know the sound/feeling when a car with very loud bass goes by or when a large truck goes by? Well, there is construction going on by my work and that is what it sounds like. Except it is so loud, or strong, that it is shaking the shelves in my cube. Not to mention giving me a headache.

Sweetie and I are planning a date night. Man, it has been too long. Not sure what we are going to do yet, but I am sure it will be something fun. And his b-day weekend is already shaping up for some fun. Today he received tickets to see the Round Rock Express on the Friday before his b-day. Woo Hoo!

Bringing Sexy Back

Time to go deep again. My boss is on vacation so this week is crazy busy. Mostly self directed busy because I want him to come back and be like "WOW Missy is THE best employee ever, I will keep ignoring her coming in late and leaving early." But still, I find myself wanting to post today. Today is a rainy day and that always makes me look inward.

I said in an earlier post that I have been doing a lot of thinking. Well here is part of it. 2001 was a very bad year for us. Between lay offs and bad jobs and stress it was not good. I was lucky and was only out of work for 1 week. Sweetie was out for 16. This was a huge turning point in my life. I stayed in school through the stress- I worked full time while earning both my BBA and my MBA. My thyroid broke in the beginning of 2002. I gained weight. I was stressed. Life became about getting by and not planning. Things are changing. Now I am not saying the last 6 years have been completely horrible. Not in the least. I earned degrees, met some wonderful friends, completed two half marathons for LLS, and had my beautiful daughter.

However, I noticed something about me. I was focused on school. Then I was focused on school and pregnancy. Then I was focused on new baby. See where I am going. See how you can lose yourself. I realized that my clothes are all "get-by" clothes. Except for a couple of outfits for special occasions, all my clothing is the minimal amount to get by because of wanting to lose weight and not wanting to spend money on clothing that I will only shrink out of. My hair has even been the same way. I used to keep my hair short. Then I grew it out. I have really only cut my hair on a needed basis. I am not sure what I want to do with my hair, but I want something fun. The same goes for the house. Our house got out of control at this time, mostly because who can find the time to do housework when working 40+ hours a week and attending school full time. And now I see the CPA review coming up and worry about focusing on that and losing myself more. Nope, I cannot allow that.

I feel that I have been in a hole since 2001. No more. The ripple effect from that year is over. No longer. No longer will I think certain things were better before then.

So I am in a process of working on my self-esteem and me. I want to feel sexy and wonderful and most importantly me again. I am reclaiming control of all areas of my life. No longer am I going to settle for control over certain areas. I am going to live life today and not for "when" happens. In the past it was: when I finished school, when I had Bug, when I found a good job, when I passed the CPA, when I went into remission, when I lost weight. No more whens. Only now. Living for now.

My plan?

• I have five weeks until CPA review begins. I am going to use this time to work on me and my house. No miracles expected, no real goals. But I am going to focus on spending some time on me everyday. I am hoping to get the house in order. Nothing perfect, just more under control.
• As far as the weight, I am still trying to lose it. I am focusing on eating healthy and wonderful foods and my walking. I want to add yoga as well because I need more flexibility - but no rush. The goal is to move daily.
• Clothing, as I am an accountant, I cannot bring myself to buy new clothing yet. However, I am going to focus on accessories and such that make me feel special. That being said, I will be purchasing new outfits for the Blog Blowout and have already started the process of finding a great sundress for SIL#2's wedding.
• Hair, like I said, I am not sure what I want to do. I love the ponytail ease and look. However, I have thick hair and that makes for some head sweat. I am thinking of going shorter for the summer, like a short bob. Color? No idea.
• Hobby, I want to find something that is fun to do. Outside of work and CPA. Something that is relaxing. Not sure what yet, but I will find it.
• New experiences, the BlogBlowout is a big step in this direction. I cannot wait to meet these wonderful women. BestFriend is planning a tubing trip with the Divas, yay. And, of course, I am working on the next family vacation. Sweetie and I are wanting to go camping and enjoy nature.

Well, I am sure I bored everyone enough. I am excited and feeling very positive. I will keep everyone updated on my progress.

time to blog

As I write this Sweetie is in the kitchen swaying with Bug in his arms and singing a little song to get her to sleep. There is nothing sexier than a father.

I feel that I have not truly blogged in some time. Between ice, work, getting back on schedule, and life in general - I have found the time just slip by. This was a great weekend. Today is day 7 on South Beach Phase One. The last time I tried phase one, I caved on day 5. Today at day 7 - I am going strong. Official weigh in to come tomorrow. For the first time in over 10 months, I feel in control. While I am still fighting some cravings, I have been successful when Sweetie and Bug have eaten non-phase one foods around me. I am simply not as hungry as I used to be. And we are eating great food. I feel more control with everything in my life. I am happy at work, happy at home, and finally am taking actual control of my health.

Yesterday, Sweetie needed some alone time to work on some freelance. After a three hour nap, Bug and I headed out. We went to B&N first. OK so I know my daughter is small. I know she is tiny. But she has good cheeks, is not skin and bones, and if you watch her play you can tell she is healthy healthy healthy. I am so sick of people saying "wow she is small". Some people say petite. This woman at B&N sees Bug and you would think she saw something horrible. She says "she is so small!" I smile at Bug and say "yes, she is". Then she says "No, I mean she is really tiny. She is small right?". I say "yes, she is in the 3rd percentile, but very healthy" I continue to watch bug who is picking out a book and stuffie and climbing into a chair - without any aid. The lady then makes a comment about her son being in the 77th percentile. This is not a contest. The higher the number does not mean the healthier or better. And asking me if she really is small - did she think I was in denial? I get comments about her size all the time. This was the first time that someone was like this about it. GRRRRR. In spite of this Bug and I had fun and she got three books out of the deal.

We then went to the mall. We walked it 1.5 times. Now it is not a big mall - but that was a ton of walking for a Bug. She even made me do some interval training. Then we hit Target - of course. This is where it gets interesting. On SB you can have sugar free pudding. My HEB has the chocolate and swirl. Target had so many flavors, I got several but the best was mint chocolate sundae. I am set for several weeks now. I know it is the little things in life. Bug and I had the best time and Sweetie was very productive. The best part? Not a single melt down.

Today was the store and I am prepared for the second half of phase one. Bring it on.

Nine weeks until the 10k. I gotta get to my training.

Weekend Update

This is my Bug. Please notice the arms inside the overalls and the mismatched shoes. She is becoming a shoe girl. She demanded Sweetie put these shoes on her.

We have had the best weekend. Friday was family night. Saturday was just the three of us and a great great day. Seriously a great day. Bug - who has been having fun practicing for her terrible twos - went without a melt down all day. We ate crepes and croissants at LaMadeline for breakfast. Then Sweetie and Bug ran around ALL OVER the mall. Seriously, those two were non stop. Her laughter could be heard throughout the building. They wore themselves out so much that we had a great family three-hour nap.

Then after a quick dinner we found ourselves at Ikea. Yep, we had never been. It was really cool. There is nothing I love more than dreaming and making plans for the future. We were big spenders and walked out the door with our bank only $1.06 less. But we found a coffee table for about $500 less than I thought we were going to spend. We also found flooring, bookcases, and other furniture to make over our computer room. The tricky part there is that we need to buy a desk that works in the computer room but could also move to our bedroom in the event that baby #2 comes while we are still in this house. Now I must add that we are NOT trying. We still have a year on my "no-baby" meds. But I don't want to buy furniture only to buy more in a year and a half. After Ikea, we came home ate chocolate cake and watched Steel Magnolias. This is one of my all time favorite movies and MIL gave it to me for Christmas.

Yesterday was so good that we were afraid that Bug used up a week's worth of good in one day. We anticipated many melt-downs today during our weekly errands. That was not the case. We did have a semi meltdown during lunch, but nothing bad. Now we are preparing for the week. My goals for this week: 1) continuing my water 2) not eating at my desk 3) walking 4) rereading my SouthBeach book to prepare for the winter challenge and 5) starting the flylady babysteps.

Back at Work

It is very quiet here. My boss is out. I am trying to get caught up and look like the good employee, but I am so very not motivated.

Good news is my girlie doc called and all is normal - yay.

Last week in 2006. That makes me happy. 2007 is going to be about health, healing, and growth. I say this as I drink a real coke and eat a piece of fudge. Stupid co-workers bringing in sweets to the break room, and stupid coke machine for giving me the real one instead of diet. Blah.

I planned to start my walking plan for the 10k today. However, I have a nasty head cold. Must go see Dr tomorrow. Don’t want it to turn to bronchitis. Bronchitis and I are like BFF.

So I have motivation to lose my weight. 1) I want to be healthier. 2) I want to get back down to where my smaller clothing is not tight. 3) I want to look like I did when I weighed less. 4) SIL#2's wedding is going to be anywhere from early to late summer. That right there is big motivation. I already have a plan in excel. LOL. I wanted to start right away. But knowing that this week is a strange week, then we have News Years and anniversary, starting anything right now just would not work for me. So my goal this week is to get my water in. I know it sounds overly simple. And I am really good at my water. But it is a goal and something I can do that makes me feel healthier without setting myself up for failure. As I write this, I have already had my 8 cups of water today.

And it seems I may have a new hobby, but I am not committing to anything too soon. MIL got me the greatest little kit that teaches you to knit. Four people have tried to teach me. Somehow this kit is making sense. Sure I had to ask Mom a couple of questions, but overall it just makes more sense. And the first project they have you do is a bookmark. It is small enough to not be intimidating. But also small enough that you can take it all out and start over without feeling like - I am NOT doing that again. I have been working on it and I think I am on version 6 of the bookmark. I want to make sure I have the stitches down and that kind of thing.

In my whole early New Years resolution mode, I also rejoined Flylady. I am hoping it helps. I want to have things in a better balance before I start studying again. Not sure if I am starting the Beginner program tonight or on the 1st.

As with all things like this, I will keep you informed. So I have a plan for my body and my house. I simply need to make a final decision on the eating part, and I will be set.

In spite of the coughing and tiredness, I am in a great mood today. Tonight is Sweetie's game night for FFXI. I plan to play with a bug and then knit after she goes to sleep. I know, I am such a party animal.

Another

Another thing to keep in mind with 2007:

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
~Albert Einstein

all over the place

blah. Today I am feeling some sadness. Ugh. Some of it started yesterday when I picked Bug up from school. A teacher said "I know better than to get between Bug and her graham crackers". Another teacher misheard and said "oh is there a problem with Grandpa". I asked the first teacher if she said graham crackers - she confirmed. Second teacher then says "he picked her up yesterday, right?" I said no. She asked if it was earlier in the week. I said no. She said "ever?" I said no. That is when it truly hit me that Bug does not have any grandpas. Well, she has a Great-Grandpa and that is neat, but not the same. It made me sad.

Life. I don't understand it. This morning I found out about a 5 year old boy at our church who passed away. Not fair at all. Mom is working the funeral tomorrow. She is blah today too because of it. Makes me want to hug my Bug.

Today I am not focused at work. I have a deadline and I am not into it. I want to go home. Tonight is Bug's school's party and then the Trail of Lights. Good thing is that it should be nice weather.

And then tomorrow night. That is going to be the big one. Sweetie and my third annual Christmas Date. We will eat good food and watch the Nutcracker. I am excited. Hopefully it will get me out of my funk.

Wednesday night Sweetie and I went on a Duck Tour with Sweetie's department. It was a lot of fun. I will have to post some pictures. If you want to learn about Austin, don't do it. If you want to quack at strangers, go for it.

Tonight, with the lights, tomorrow the Nutcracker, Sunday finishing all shopping, Monday is gymnastics, Tuesday is Santa, Wednesday and Thursday are watching Christmas movies until we lose our minds, Friday is a Diva gathering, Saturday is Christmas Eve Eve, Sunday is Christmas Eve, and then Monday is Christmas. Tonight really starts the Christmas rush.

I love this time of year, it is my favorite. I am going to work on something. I am going to work on staying positive, choosing happiness. All in the mind - right? All in our choices. We shall see if this works.

That and walking. Much like SIL#1 - going to start calling brother's wife SIL#1 and Sweetie's sister SIL#2 to avoid confusion. Not a ranking, this is the order that they became my SILs - she believes a midget with a taser would solve her scheduling problems. Do they come in the "make me exercise" variety? I think if I could find a way to put a treadmill in my house, I would use it most daily. It is the walking outside in the dark that gets to me. But a little zzzz would help.

My meds - I looked at my levels and it looks like the are good - gosh darnit. So I am focusing on lifestyle rather than med reduction - at least through Feb. But since I got the news, I have had the WORST time remembering to take them. I am a great morning pill taker. It is when you say I can't take one pill with others, like my antithyroid cannot be taken with my vitamin, that I forget the second pill.
** After posting this, I did further research. According to this article my lab is using the old standard for TSH levels. Which means since mine is above a 3 - according to the new standard that I am hypo. I knew it!

But my new mottos - Shit or get off the pot - we will call it SOGOTP for short. If I want my meds reduced in March, I need to exercise and eat right. OK eating right will start AFTER the holidays. I am not THAT strong. And tonight is some exercise. But I need to do it. Stop talking about it and do it. One step at a time.

Next week we have two appointments. Serif has her ENT follow up and I have my follow up with my girlie doc. Did I ever blog that my pap came back abnormal? It also came back negative for HPV - so yay, but I have to go back and have a second pap done. No big deal.

OK I realize I have written a book without saying anything. I will close for now. Everyone have a safe weekend.

either shit or get off the pot

This is what my father told Sweetie when he asked for my hand in marriage. We had been dating at that point for 4.5 years.

However, this is also my motto for the new year. Either shit or get off the pot. Meaning - do something about it. I know it sounds simple. But I tend to get lost in what all needs to get done instead of focusing on one task at hand. I have noticed lately that a lot of my goals/desires go together. For example, I want to wear my smaller clothing, so I need to exercise, exercise will also help my health, improved health will help my self esteem, etc... Therefore, I need to get my butt out the door. Doing so will help many areas of my life.

Same thing goes with the house. I want a solid routine before starting to study for the CPA. So whenever something is bothering me or annoying me, I am going to try and do something about it. Nothing perfect, much like Flylady - a little at a time. But that is going to be my new thing. Shut up and do it. Exercise, weight loss, organization, health, CPA, relationships, and on and on.

While I might not be able to solve anything right then, I am going to work on a plan at least. A realistic, doable, non-overwhelming plan. Let's hope it helps. I am feeling motivated about it. And I am sure you all will hear about the results.

My real motivation is that 2007 will be my second year on my meds, my last year. I need to go into remission or they are going to want to do the radiation. So health and stress free have to be a focus.

And if you get a moment, make a snowflake - it is a great cause and a lot of fun.