The CPA exam is a huge stress for me right now. I have not been able to study as much as I would like. I have been listening to my lectures while working. I have learned that working in a cube has made my ability to zone out to reach a new level. I can completely not pay attention to this boring stuff. I am working on it though. It has to help, maybe it will get into my brain without me having to pay attention.
I think my thyroid is going to be on my mind for the rest of my life. I will wonder if I am hypo, hyper, healthy. I will question every feeling - is it starting again? I test myself to see if my brain is in a fog, BestFriend does the same. I seem to be "on". I don't want to go back on the medicine. I spent 8 months of 2007 over medicated and it was horrible. I don't want that again.
Work is going well. I can not get used to having a boss who listens, jokes, and understands mistakes if you own up to it and put in efforts so things do not happen again. Oh and the big one, he goes to bat for me. I have not had that since HES. It is a strange concept, that people aren't out to get me. And co-worker A is awesome. She takes care of me. If I am having a bad day she brings me diet coke and chocolate. And she talks me up when I am not there - or at least I think she does - there I go paranoid again.
My Bug is awesome. She is smarter by the day. Don't get me wrong, she is not a genius, and I don't want her to be. But her memory is amazing me. And she and I are able to talk now and interact in an awesome way. I love the little hard headed girl that she is. And I worry that everything will change with a second child. I loved being pregnant and I want Bug to have siblings but I worry. This is so much harder than deciding for the first one. And then there is my health, I worry I will have to go through everything I did after having Bug again. And then again, wouldn't it be worth it? When you ask if she wants a baby brother or sister she shakes her head no very dramatically. I think she knows another one would mean sharing. I never wanted a baby brother or sister. I was quite content with being the baby. I knew I didn't share well and never wanted to learn how. So I worry.
And our house. I love our little house. But I do want something bigger, something with more storage. We bought our house thinking we would be there a couple of years. Nine years later we are still there. We love our house. I love how open it is. We just need to organize. I don't want to move only to be stuck with a higher mortgage and find out the maternity leave here isn't what I was told, 100% of pay. And there is so much to do on our house for selling, and the market isn't great. Though based on our neighborhood we could potentially sell for 70k more than what we owe on it, so that makes us happy. We are going to work on getting it sale ready knowing full well we might just decide to stay a tad longer. Plus we have two wild cats we feed, yes I know you feed them and they never leave. We have two inside - two of the most spoiled cats in the world. You would think they never stepped foot outside. As long as they are coming to the back door, I don't see that we can leave. What if the next people don't feed them?
My weight loss is slow. I wish it were faster but I am not about to give up everything in order to lose quickly only for it to come back faster. And I have to remind myself that I am about 15 pounds lighter than SIL#2's wedding. That is awesome. But I feel slow compared to others in our at work group. I have to keep going, each pound makes me healthier. And I am like 38 pounds less than I was at my highest in 2004. All about being healthy.
Sweetie is so awesome with supporting me. He gives me time to get mani/pedis, he offers to take Bug out of the house so I can study, he notices when I clean and makes sure I know how much he appreciates all that I do, and he helps me with my work outs. I am very lucky and I know it.
I know some who are going through rough marriages right now. I hate it. I want to make it better. But ultimately I think if you aren't happy - change something. And if changing doesn't work, perhaps leaving is best. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy marriage. As I say, neutral is not an option. Make your life what you want. Either make the marriage the one that makes you happy or find the life you need to live. Sweetie and I have had rough times. For us making changes and refocusing was the best. BestFriend also went through this and divorce was the best. I just think that being unhappy cannot be an option. That only brings resentment.
I truly am feeling good. I think my thyroid is normal. I am noticing the weight loss. I feel stronger with my workouts. I feel smart at work - I answered an accounting question for my boss today - yep he is a CPA. Things are good. Now I need to focus on paying my taxes - ugh still pissed that we owe, make a plan for home improvements (and a loan if needed), and keep up with my studying. If only I could function on less sleep or create more hours in the day.
This has been long. Thanks for letting me get all of that out. Not sure where this blog is going. That is the nice thing. I am in charge here and I will guide it as we go. Have a great evening. I am going to enjoy the beautiful weather with another installment of my walk/run workout.
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