Things are very strange in my world lately. There is a lot of drama, there is a lot of emotion. I cannot go into a lot of it, as it isn't my place, but I am discovering that my mood is altered because of it.
What I can say is that the drama isn't about me. It isn't even really my business other than it involves my family - and thus it is my business. I just hate seeing anyone hurt. My family is so small and I like to think that we cling together during hard times, but when official statuses are in the process of changing I lose grasp with where I stand, how to act, and what to do.
Being happy is so very important. And, if you know me at all, you know that I believe happiness is a choice. Not that you should keep a stiff upper lip, be grateful for what you have, and be happy regardless. That is not what I mean at all. My marriage has had good times and bad times and bliss times (yay for being in bliss times). We decided long ago to fight for what we have and to decide to be happy. That came out wrong too. Hmmmm. We decided to make our marriage one that makes us happy. Yes, that is closer to sounding like what I mean. Of course, this isn't for everyone. Sometimes it is time to say it is the end.
The person going through this whole mess means the world to me. He drives me crazy at times, but it is his role. I don't want to see him hurt. I also think my biggest fear right now is being pushed away. This happened about 10 years ago and I cannot let it happen again. And things keep getting more and more complicated for him. It just isn't fair.
And it is getting to me. Not that he shouldn't vent, chat, confide, or lean on me. When it all started I didn't think it would even phase me. Why should it? I am simply a third party to this madness. But I am who I am and I take it all in.
BestFriend says that I take things personally. It is true. It is who I am. If you come to me crying, I will cry with you. If you are mad, chances are I will get mad too. I take it in. I absorb it. But I am not fragile. I am not someone you should treat with kid gloves. Just because I am reacting to the emotions, does not mean do not talk to me.
The hard part is caring about both sides. This was the case with BestFriend. I think I did well in juggling, but it was hard. And now, I didn't fully understand how much I care for this other person until all of this started. She is family. And that isn't going to change. Yet, as my life seems to dictate, complications grow.
I just want everyone happy. I just want everyone to feel bliss.
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