hard day

I am having a hard day. Not sure why. Hard in a way that I am not talking about it. Not myself. Sure I can fake it when around others, but once they walk away, I am in tears. I don't know if it is everything that has happened recently, me losing my mind or if my thyroid has come undone. I am lacking focus. I am not studying, gave myself permission to take the holidays off so not really putting it off. I am swamped at work, nothing bad, busy is always good. I like the changes that are happening in my department. Sure there are things I would like to change and some things I am still waiting to see how they will turn out. My cubicle is moving soon and I don't know what that will mean. I get visitors now. I can keep working while they visit, but it makes me happy. I tend to be a bear about work - I go into my den and do my work and don't come out very often. My new cube is outside my boss's office. And while I love him I believe him right there will drive away my friends. Tomorrow is the company Christmas party and honestly I am not looking forward to it.

I have not been eating right or exercising. The weather isn't good for my walking. I hate walking when it is freezing. I keep telling myself to do something inside, but the momentum is not there. The house is a mess, no motivation. And I am so tired. I have been so tired for like a month. Honestly I consider taking a nap during lunch, I think about bedtime when I get off work. Blah. Maybe the diet and exercise is all I need.

So I have some other issues that makes me think my thyroid is off. TMI kind of stuff - let's just say changing cycles. Anyway, Sweetie being as awesome as he is told me "so?" when I told him I think my thyroid is off. Which is true. We roll with the punches.

Thyroid being off scares me. Not for the RAI. I already decided that if I go Graves' again I will get it. But if it is hyper and I get the RAI that means another 6 months of waiting to try for baby #2. Honestly that isn't the biggest thing. I worry more that it isn't off and that I am just crazy. If it is off then I can be corrected and feel normal. Right now I feel better in some ways but I am feeling off. Something is off.

Next week is Dr apt week. I have my ENT follow up to find out if my nose is better. I have my 6 month teeth cleaning - fingers crossed for no cavities. And I have a derm appt. Why not share it, I have had a spot on my hip that appears around Aug 2005. It grew and stopped and several others have cropped up. We were focused on the thyroid so this got pushed to the side. And I know I am slow sometimes, but this past weekend I decided I was going to finally go in. I was kind of rehearsing about the symptoms when I realized that my Graves' appeared at the same time. This is not like the skin condition that comes alongside Graves'. But what worries me is that it is also autoimmune related. I am not worried about it being life threatening, I know it isn't cancer or anything. But more like what I said above, not liking the idea of having to wait another 6 months. I will do it without hesitation to be healthy - of course. I don't want to take any chances next time.

I just feel out of control. As Mom and I say, we can handle anything as long as we know about it.

Thank you, getting it all out there has helped a lot. Sweetie is awesome and doing anything he can to cheer me up and Bug is amazing as always and gets me to laugh. I just need to do a little me work.