Big week

This is a big week. Bug started Kindergarten on Monday. She is so awesome. Her class has 8 kids in it. I think she is going to thrive in the private environment and then kick butt in public next year. Then there is tomorrow, it will be Bug's first trip to the dentist - yay.

Yesterday, I got to see the logo Sweetie has been working on. He has officially designed a logo for a 5k. I am beyond proud of him. As wearing a run shirt isn't out of the norm for me, I will have to make sure to put a "my husband designed this shirt" sticky on me :-) Wanna see it?

It makes me so happy. Now don't go and tell him that, we don't need him to get a big head. I am trucking along at work, and pulling my normal no eating, drinking, or socializing. This is not good. I must get up, get water, eat food, take breaks. I know it sounds simple. But it is so easy to get caught up in what I do and think "right after I finish this I will get lunch..Oh that wasn't bad, after I finish this next thing I will get lunch...oh fire to put out....where was I oh yes working on another project....wait it is 3, why haven't I eaten".

On the studying front I have just over 2 months to prepare. I think that is the time frame of my real focus when I passed the first section. It is just a matter of getting everything in in a day. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.

My boy is getting so big and awesome. He is truly a happy baby. Yes, he can complain and complain as he goes to sleep. But really, he is quite easy. Now he isn't sleeping through the night, but Bug didn't either until after a year, so why should I be surprised? It is just so neat to watch my recessive gene boy get a personality. Recessive you ask? So far it looks like he is going to be red headed, blue eyed, and perhaps left handed. Now all of this might change tomorrow - but right now it cracks me up and think he can do anything.

Well internet, I need to get back to studying. I just had to share some of the happenings of my household :-) Now off to study stocks, working capital, management, and marketing.

It's my Friday and I'll smile if I want to

Today is my Friday. Tomorrow, Bug and L's school is closed for a teacher workday. This works out well for me as Bug starts Kinder on Monday. WOW! How did she get so big? We are having a family day/weekend. Tomorrow is "anything Bug wants" day. I told her we will go where she wants, do what she wants, and eat what she wants. I hope it is as awesome as it sounds. We have been having some issues with her. I know it is due to all the changes and being five. Last night she was having a fit and Sweetie went in to talk to her. They both fell asleep. This was at 6:30. I let them sleep for an hour and then L and I went in to check on them, still passed out. I decided they both needed it and L and I hung out. Actually he took a nap too but then woke up to entertain me with the new sound he found. He is such a happy and silly boy. Well, I expected Bug to wake around 8 and then be up until 11 or later. Nope. Neither woke up until Morning. They both got 12 hours of sleep. I guess they needed it. Bug woke hungry and in the best mood. I have to admit I am a bit jealous as I only got 3.5 hours at a stretch last night.

Things at work are going. I am hoping we are coming to the end. I am really done with it. Plus I REALLY need to get on to studying. Oh and cleaning the house, organizing photos, exercising, play with the kids, date nights with Sweetie, sleeping, and....... Yep that is how my brain works, think of one thing and it leads to others and others. Though I have to admit with me working so much and being in so many meetings, Sweetie has missed me. I come back to my desk to find voicemails that consist of him saying he loves me or he misses me.

With my weight loss I have lost over 20 pounds now. I am very happy - but want more. I will be jumping for joy when I lose another 26.2. I won't be done, but I will be much closer.

crawling in

I have been stressed, I have been quiet and I have not been socializing how I need to. I also know I am not yet ready to come out of my hole. I hope my friends ans family will be patient. In the meantime, I need to focus on work, studying, and housework.

Inhale and EXHALE

My last week has been hectic to say the least. Working long hours, throughout the weekend, and logging in at night. It has been hectic. I think we finally made some head room tonight - yay. I also finally got away from the office for my thyroid test. I knew it was off and I was right. My synthroid is too low. This is another factor is why my weight loss has been slow - that and stress. But it doesn't matter, I am not going off due to the weight not coming off as fast as I would like, or stress, or emotions. Not saying I am perfect, I am simply going to do everything in my power to keep up this motivation. Sweetie is helping more than he will ever know. His tracking of what he eats has made it something we are doing together. His runs have been awesome and very inspiring to me.

Next week is the last week of summer. Bug starts kindergarten on the 23rd. I am so excited. Since she is going to private school I am not a nervous wreck. I already know the school and teachers, that helps a lot. Now talk to me next year and I will be a mess, lol.

OK off to log into the system and get to the end of this whole reconciliation. I want to start 2010.

cheers

My party lifestyle is out of control. Friday night, sitting in L's room while he plays in his crib instead of sleeping. I am blogging while Bug sits on the bed working on her number books "preparing for kindergarten". Sweetie is in the living room checking on some spots while Phineas and Ferb plays in the background. We are very crazy. I am celebrating the day with some Baileys. So what to celebrate?

First, today was the work weigh in. I am happy to report that I did not have to pay. I even made 115 in the process. After weigh in I decided I wanted to celebrate. I was going to allow myself something indulgent. I thought long and hard about what I wanted. My spurge? The chicken pecan apple salad from Wendys. I love this salad. It isn't low in points but is much "healthier" than a burger and it was what I really wanted. I made sure to track each point still, even though I was celebrating. I still have my b-day goal in mind. We finished the day at Red Robin (yum). Best Friend and her crew had dinner with us to celebrate Sweetie's b-day. I had, once again, what I really wanted - a veggie burger with melon. Yes, it was a high day. But I feel in control as I tracked everything and had it in my weekly allowance.

So the money at work was found. Please know this is not real money missing but rather money on a recon. I found it last night while working until 9. I was happy - not ecstatic. I knew there would be a battle. I had my proof of what was off, system changes caused it, and now we have to deal with what to do with it. 2010 will be SO MUCH cleaner. I just want to get done with 2009 so I can move on. Hopefully after working this weekend I will be able to report that I am done and all that is left is the audit. Since the auditor arrives on Monday, this better be the case.

So I am celebrating, I can prove that I can lose weight, I finished part of a recon I have been working on for weeks (and feel good about how I completed it). I got to see BestFriend and that always makes me smile. Now for a weekend filled with walking, cleaning, studying, finishing this damn rec, and family time. We get to celebrate Sweetie one more time for his b-day tomorrow. We always do b-days up big around here and they last and last :-) Speaking of which, I need to look up points.

Now my baileys is done, L is sleeping, and Bug finished another part in her workbook. It is time for sleep as walking will come early. Here's to another inspiring, insightful, and relaxing weekend.

Happy Birthday Sweetie!!!

Happy Birthday to my wonderful husband. You are the one who completes me, understands me, and supports me. I love being a parent with you, you are an amazing father. I love you so very much!! Here's to many more years and adventures.

slams head into wall

Today is one of those days. I have been working WEEKS on a reconciliation, which normally I love, but this is painful. Yes my previous posts have been positive and insightful. Not today. I am tired, my back and neck hurt, my eyes are bothering me. I am resisting overeating due to the weigh in. I need to get my thyroid rechecked, it is time again, but I cannot get away from work to do it. I am tired of my hair falling out. Blah

But I am thankful for a husband that is so involved that he picks up the kids and watches them alone so I can work late. And before you think I am not really working, I am running reports and waiting on the outcome, which I know will have changed somehow, so I will be back to square one.

Another good thing is that normally when I work like this I don't drink my water or even eat my lunch, and my cube is next to the break room so that is bad. Today I got in all my water, my lunch, and a snack. Oh I better count that piece of chocolate I had.

I also need to walk tonight but it might not happen. Other than stress and the knot in my middle shoulder area, I am feeling good. I just need to vent. I get so frustrated when I can't figure out a problem.

Perhaps I simply need a nice massage from Sweetie tonight.

Two weeks into me

I am happy to say that I have followed WW for two weeks. I have been counting points, exercising (ok only three times, but still), and thinking about what I need to fuel me. I have not given up eating out, though we do need to eat at home more, and I have not felt deprived - yet..and I will cope when that comes. So why the change? The challenge at work has helped motivate me, I do not want to pay the money. But also I hit a point where I got so sick of it, that I have to take care of it. Does that make sense? So I decided on the 26 in 16 plan. And Sweetie was so supportive that he started tracking his too. We both are doing the same workout plan, though he is way ahead of me and actually runs while I walk, but it is still something we are both doing. He only has 10 pounds to lose, but I hope this support continues even after he hits his goal. He wants to run a half if not a full marathon in 2011. I know he can do it. If I can complete a half so can he.

The other change is really thinking about the health risks with my weight. How I see myself, even in the mirror is not accurate. It isn't until I see a photo or catch a glimpse of myself when I am not looking that I realize the truth. And the truth is that I need to be healthier. And while I have been dancing with the idea of getting back on the wagon with WW, I kept having this voice in my head saying "I will do it, but I will do xxx instead because I know better". Uhm....yeah. I know I lost before my wedding and that the program works. But obviously I need some help as it didn't help me through emotional hard times, working while going to school, and health issues. And while others who love me will argue, the truth is that I am considered type 2 obese. There are only 3 types, and type 3 is morbid. This is a medical issue. And with my thyroid being the way it is and making weight loss hard, as well as so many other things, I have to be better. I am lucky, my cholesterol, triglycerides, and blood sugar are great. But I can't rely on that. If I were diabetic, I would change my lifestyle and treat the disease. Obesity is a disease. While it is different, it is still a medical situation. I needed to treat it as such.

My other battle is body image. When I got married I was 117 pounds. I looked great. I worse a size 3. But I saw myself as fat. What I wouldn't give to go back in time and bitch slap that version of me. I know that I need to work on me as well. And that is a big reason why I am not doing a crash diet, weight loss surgery (luckily I don't qualify), or anything else drastic. I need this to take some time. I need to feel each stage of my body changing. I need to feel stronger and healthier.

When I walk, I walk alone. When I did Team in Training, I had a team and walked with them one day a week. That was fun. However, my training walks, less a few that Sweetie would walk with me, were alone. When I walked the 18 miles, I did it alone, and without music. Many have offered to walk with me. I appreciate the gesture, but know that my walking is therapy. Yesterday on my walk I went through a lot of internal stuff. (Yes more inside me talk, but is is my little part of the internet)

Over the years I have had several blows, situations, and stresses that took their toll. I like to say that I am better. And while I am, I am not 100% yet. I know I will get there as long as I keep looking inward. My point is it truly hit me how the events in my life have had an impact on how I see myself. How I do not see myself as an attractive, fun loving woman. I see myself as a wife, a mother, an employee. I do not see me. My clothing has been to cover me, but not to make me feel cute. My hair is the same way. I know I like to have my sunshine face on, and it isn't a facade, just more like just not the whole story. I feel like a prisoner in my body. And in turn this has also come through in the disorganization of my home. How I got to this point is not important. The important thing is to refind me. To take back control.

Now I am not talking about leaving my family to live in a village or anything. I just need to work on me. I need to make a conscious effort to do things for me, even if it is something silly like taking a walk or study. It was a true ah ha moment. If it were a cheesy girl chick flick, you would see me walking and then a montage of my past. I then would realize what I needed to do, and instantly feel sexy and cute and run to the airport to tell the man I love not to leave or some other blah blah blah. Well, while I love a good romantic comedy, that is not my life. Instead it is more like the montage went off in my head and I felt honestly like someone took a blow to me. I don't have to go and find my love, I have him here. Sweetie knew something was wrong and I couldn't quite put it into words. Part of me felt like things that I have worked through and dealt with were coming back. But then I realized that was not the case. Rather, it was the next step. It was like in the half marathon when I was walking for hours and felt so tired and salty and I could see the end. I wasn't done with the work, but I could see the finish. All my hard work was paying off. That is where I am, not at the end, but I can see it, I know it is there, I just have this last hurdle to overcome.

This weight loss kick, exercise, and studying again, all goes hand in hand. It all goes to help me. Yes, it will help my family but only on a secondary level. I am sure none of this makes sense. But it is good for me to write about it. This moment that I write about, it was kind of scary for me. I feared that I was going to enter a deep depression, like that of '06. I wasn't sure I could fight it if it took hold. If you have never dealt with depression, you do not know of the monster that it is and how it is much like an alter ego in some respects that takes over. I took it in, almost waiting to be pulled down. But it didn't happen. Instead I kept swimming. When I realized it was a moment of motivation, of realization, and showing me the next step, I began to exhale. I like me. I love my family. I am worth all of it. And you know what? I can fight it. My thyroid is acting like it did after Bug. But I REFUSE to let the weight come back if I have to go back on the horrible meds or any other treatment. I know that for me to be healthy I may have to track my points, exercise, and watch my choices forever.

I have a family that supports me. What more could I ask for? I will continue to write about my journey. I am sure it will be boring, but I hope to gain so much insight from simply writing my feelings. I will continue my walking, my therapy time.

I have tracked my points with Sweetie for 2 weeks. I have exercised and posted it even on my fb and twitter as motivation. I have a study plan in place. And I shined my sink tonight. This is a journey, not sure exactly how it is going to go, but I know the destination. And I know that I will get there. I am going to break free from these prisons. I am going to be a complete me again.

My weigh in at work is on Friday. I will post the outcome :-)