24.8 in 15

I lost 1.2 - yay!

Signs

There have been many times in my life where I knew something was about to happen before it did or the universe/my subconscious/spirits try to warn me. Smoke detectors going off for no reason, power going out at exactly the right moment, knowing of family members passing before it happens are a few of the things that have happened. I try to listen to these ques and follow what I am being told. Today Sweetie took Bug with my MIL to Seaworld. This was the biggest trip without me with them. L and I slept in after we sent them off and once happily awake we set out for my mom's. I have been studying again. Part of my study are lectures that are on my ipod that I listen to through the aux cable in the car. I finished the lectures for this week and I went to set my ipod to the next section for next week. It landed instead on a song that I love deeply but never comes up on my music shuffle. I said aloud "OK, I will listen to this now". And it was perfect. I think truly it is my favorite song. Of course close runner ups are Icecream, Montana, and Answer.

I listened to the lyrics and sang along. L is still too young to ask for a quiet trip like Bug does. Side note she is like me. We don't need to be entertained at all moments, we can entertain ourselves, and we don't always need music on, sometimes we thrive in the silence. So it hit me and it was good. Through happy tears I texted Sweetie to let him know about this feeling I was having. Unfortunately text does not allow enough characters so he thought I was upset at first. No worries, I got my point across.

The song was Somewhere Over the Rainbow / What a Wonderful World by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. I adore this version. And this was just what I needed to remind me of what I have. You see there are many levels that this song applies. First, the baby you have after a loss is called a rainbow baby (the happy after the storm). Bug went with me to all my regular OB appointments. On the stairs in the morning the light hits in a way that shows rainbows, I know simple science, but it was special to me and the baby I was carrying. This Dr became known as the Rainbow Dr. Honestly those little lights gave me more hope than any of the sonograms. Because for him to be a rainbow baby, he would have to survive. The universe was telling me he would. She didn't understand about what a rainbow baby was but she looked for the rainbows each time. Somewhere over the rainbow I get my L. Not to put Bug on any lower level at all. I need them BOTH, they complete me. I am who I am because of them.

This song also made me think about me and Sweeite and our journey. We have had our rough patches, I never claimed otherwise. We took back control, sought help, refound each other, and renewed our vows. We grew stronger. The song reminded me that I was wishing upon a star to wake up where the clouds were far behind me. I have blogged recently on how good I am doing with me. It is true. I keep surprising myself and being proud of myself - these are very good things. I like who I am. I know how I got here, I accept the past - can't do a damn thing about it, and look happily to the future. It is all about growth. But to listen to the song made me realize that my wish did come true. The wish I made with every birthday candle, turkey wishbone, coin in the fountain and eyelash blowing. It came, and continues, to come true. Not that I will ever give up wishing and fighting. It IS a wonderful world. Now I have to admit I may have listened to this song a good five more times today. It makes me smile. It is such a "Missy" song.

Combine that with a great day with my Mom. Eating healthy on the weekend, shocking I know, having a wonderful dinner with Mom and Brother, and finishing with a cute movie, and I am feeling good. This week things really clicked for me. I have no idea where I stand on the weight loss front, but I know I have followed my points for six days. This included, baileys, cheesecake, eating out, and a crazy week at work. If I can lose this week, I can continue this. The challenge at work helps my motivation, but really all of the sudden it clicked that I have to do this for me. I cannot compare myself to anyone else, this is my journey. How fast I lose, how fast I walk, how long it take me to reach my goals do not involve anyone else. I am the one who has to do the work, I am the one who is worth it. It does help to have a spouse who is so supportive. He is tracking too, not that he has much to lose at all, but it does make it easier. Here's to my motivation lasting through Aug 6th :-)

Happy

I am so happy. Life is Good. My family is amazing. Now to figure out what to do for Sweetie's b-day. Hmmm I want to something awesome for him this year.

That is all.

Let's do this quick, shall we?

• I have been working my tail off this week. Working late and through lunch. Hopefully things will get better and we will have resolution soon on some items.
• In spite of the crazy week, I have been on program for 4 days now.
• I even walked last night
• When I got home tonight, Sweetie surprised me with a warm home made meal - lemon zest rice and chicken breast with asparagus and cheese.
  
• He even had the nutrition ready for me.
• I finished my crazy day reading to Bug, we are reading Edward Tulane - LOVE it!
• Also finished with sipping some Baileys - sorry Mom, couldn't wait on you after my crazy day.
• Now time to sleep.
• Tomorrow we celebrate MIL's b-day. YAY!!
  

26 in 16

OK so I am putting it out here so I am accountable. I am doing good and have found some motivation to get healthy. Thanks to the horrible lighting in the dressing room last week when we shopped for the clothes to wear at the wedding. It made me sad, then mad. Mad is good, mad gets you off your butt. So I enjoyed the weekend and started back on WW yesterday. Yes, I have actually journaled my food.

I am down 16.2 from my postpartum weight. I have earned my initial 5 pounds, 2 additional 5 pounds, and a 5% star. I know it is just a graphic on a website, but it makes me proud. This week, even with the wedding, I lost 2.2. YAY.

I feel like I can do it. I have made smaller goals so I don't get lost in the whole 60 pounds that I need to lose now. I am focusing on losing 26 pounds in 16 weeks. This is in time for my b-day. This puts me below what I was on our 2nd honeymoon. My ultimate goal is to be at a weight considered healthy, even if it is only by .1, by L's 1st b-day. This would be about 66 pounds less than when I got pregnant. So my b-day is my focus, of course I have smaller goals before then, like 10% loss, back to weight that I started SEU at, so on and so forth. Next mini goal on my radar is 20 pounds.

As far as exercising, I am going to do the podrunner 5k plan followed by the 8k plan. I will be doing it in order to be in better shape for the Turkey Trot 5 miler. Yes, I am motivated today. I hope it continues. I may post on here more about weight loss and exercise to keep me honest. Another thing I did was put the ww app on Sweetie's phone. This means he can at any point look at how I am doing, see how many points I have left, calculate points of the dinners he likes to make. He is not a controlling man. He will not be harping on me. Instead he will use it as motivating tool for me.

So 26 in 16. I can do it!

chilling with my man

Ok so it is my little man :) Today was a wedding. Of course I cried, I cry at all weddings, including my two. And my man was smokin'. He was freshly clippered with a black button up shirt untucked over some very nice black slacks. Ok it sounds dark, but he pulled it off nicely. During the ceremony he scurried through the church taking pictures. I found myself holding L and completely taken by him. Even after 18 years he still sparks my interest.

Bug is even more in love with my Niece. They are bonded at the hip this weekend and I love it. They even sat together and alone during the ceremony.

L is fully rolling over awake now. We found out as he was on the bed and we look back and he was very close to the edge, silly boy. Needless to say while I clippered Sweetie's hair L was surrounded by a ton of pillows :) that and his sister watching him. She is the most awesome.

Right now my L sleeps in my arms while I watch PS I Love You. Wait now he is awake, now to cater to his needs :)

little bit of this, little bit of that

Yesterday was an awesome family day. We did some videoing for the next episode and hit two parks. The second one we wanted to go to was in Gtown so we did a drop in on BestFriend. She was awesome and actually answered the door :-) We hung out and had icecream. It was one of those feel good days.

L slept 7 hours last night- woo hoo. And I went to sleep when he did so I got 7 hours straight. YAY!

Today has been a chore day. Sweetie and MIL did the yard, and now Sweetie is with Bug at a b-day party. L decided to nap so I started doing chores, I know shocking. Once again I started working on what is bothering me most and now I feel accomplished.

But I couldn't help but take a pic of my boy. The reason for lack of photos is that we moved the pictures to an external drive. This is safer but not as easily accessible for blogging. We are working on fixing this.

The pic isn'r great, taken with my phone. But you can see how cute he is:That's my boy :-) Now off for more chores to prepare for the week. I fear I may have to work late some. That is ok.

ponderings

This is going to be another one of those write until I need to stop times. If you know me at all, you know that I am an open person while being reserved. I mean that I am not always forthcoming with details about my life, been burnt by that before. However, I am who I am. I don't pretend to be what I am not. I am not a girly girl who has to be made up before leaving the house, I hate shoe shopping, but I have an obsession with buying t-shirts. I speak my mind. I am who I am. If you are around me, you know this. I have a very strong maternal instinct. I always have. I want to take care of those around me, I want to help everyone. I try to be optimistic and have a positive attitude. I have been given the nickname of "sunshine" on several occasions because of this. I am the one people are attracted to when needing to talk. I have always been a "safe" person to vent to. And this has always been the case. With this instinct also comes vulnerability. I tend to stay more reserved now as I don't want to be hurt again. I have been hurt/betrayed by those I thought were my friends. This blog is my "safe" place. Very few read my blog. And those that I know read it care about me and I trust them. Those that I don't know, who come across or read it don't bother me. I am who I am. I don't write this for anyone but myself. I know it isn't the most interesting read, but it is therapy for me.

I live my little life and am very happy. I have a wonderful husband, two beautiful kids, a great family, a home and a job - what more could I ask for? I am in a really good place with myself. Yes, I want to improve myself, my meds are helping, but really I am happy. I live a life that involves laughing everyday. Being silly is something that is mandatory. That and singing little made up songs. I have a husband who is my partner in this marriage and in parenting. I have a good life. Life is Good.

Not much can rock my boat. And it isn't rocked so much as I am simply in a thinking state of mind. I received a warning today from a friend that another friend who hurt me is back in town. I sound like I am back in Jr High. I sit here expecting to be upset, expecting to be uncomfortable, expecting to feel bad about myself and not wanting to be seen.

This is not the case. I am doing good. I am even smiling. We learn and grow from every event/action, or at least I hope to. I have said it many times before, if things didn't happen the way they did, good and bad, I wouldn't be where I am today. I am very happy where I am. And while the old me would hide away and feel sorry for myself because I need to lose weight, the new me is confident in who I am. I am not going to hide. I don't want to.

I am sure we will run into each other at some point. And that is ok. Things happened for a reason. I am a very different person now, and I am sure she is too. My reaction really shows me that I have forgiven and moved on. This is a good feeling. A feeling of completeness. I can see how far I have come. I always said that BestFriend helped me to gain my confidence and my self worth, and I stand by that. She is a friend that shows what a true friend is. I am very lucky to have her. She says how I am awesome and praises me. Tonight I have to agree with her words. I am awesome and I am confident.

After all, I can see through walls...

I'm Baaaaaaaccccck

I m beyond behind at work, but that is ok. I am enjoying what I am doing again. Part of it is knowing L is being taken care of. My brain simply works better when I have work to do. My boss has been awesome, which helps a ton.

I got my Rx for my happy pills filled - and it is going to cost me $0. I love promotional coupons. I am also getting back into my walking this week and begin training for the Turkey Trot. Yay. In the work challenge I need to still lose 4.25 pounds before Aug 6th. I can do that. And the lingering weigh in will keep me good during Sweetie's b-day.

Two kids, two jobs, a house to maintain (or at least try), and trying to find one on one time together is not the easiest combination in a marriage. But I am happy to say we are doing it. And while I am getting frustrated easier and using Sweetie as a easy target, our communication is better. We are getting the whole routine of two kids down while trying to keep things even. With Bug it was easier as it was two of us splitting her care. Now there are two that need our attention and in very different ways.

This week has really made me feel more like myself again. My pregnancy was hard and filled with fear of another miscarriage. Then there is the whole lack of sleep, recovering from surgery, dealing with hormones part.

Last night I was having a frustrated moment and took it out on Sweetie. I admit it. He came in calm asking if that is what I was doing. Now in the moment I didn't admit it, I am still a woman. But I know it is true. Instead of wallowing in the frustration and complaining about this and that, I decided "do something about it". I know that sounds easy, but sometimes all the "to-dos" and frustrations take over. So I made myself stop and think about what was the one thing bothering me then and I dealt with it. Baby steps. I got the dishes done, then I picked clothes out for me and the kids, prepped the bottles for school, and took a nice long shower. To a new mom, even a new again mom, the shower is the end all. It can make your whole day. I did all of this while Sweetie put Bug to bed. I went to bed feeling accomplished, less stressed, and ready for the next day. I know this is common knowledge to a lot of people. But I just don't have the habits yet. I am working on it.

Another thing I did was plan for my next test. I am pumped. I have an email in to the IMA They changed the format in May and I have to find out how the section I took relates to the new way. I even contacted my study guide company and they told me that the items for the new version will be of no charge and it is simple switch on their end. That made my day. Now to get into a routine that stops my frustration from being overwhelming and able to get my studying and exercising in. Oh and take care of the kids and the house and work....oh no here comes the frustration again ;-) One step at a time. I need to make a list and do what I can. The most important part of my day is spending time with my kids.

Now off to finalize the last details for G's b-day tomorrow. It is going to be fun.

A Happy 4th

We had a great 4th of July. BBQ, family, laughs, and fireworks. It really was good. Last year I had 5th disease so I was in pain. And we couldn't do fireworks due to the drought. The year before I was newly pregnant and feeling like crap (it was the pregnancy I miscarried). This year was awesome, no pain, happily holding my 3 month old while watching my Niece and Bug play, and my Brother was here. That last one really made it wonderful. He has been staying with my mom. And on a purely selfish level, I have loved it. He is close by and Bug has been able to bond with him again. They were even playing soccer outside yesterday. He is already planning on coaching sports for L. My kids are very lucky with the family they have.

This was L's first 4th, and first fireworks. They were fun, but scary. We had several that blew too soon, not far off the ground, or didn't go off at all. The quality simply was not there. And after all the years of incident free fireworks, this year we had a close call. A fountain went off too soon and got Sweetie. I watched him jump back and fall to the ground in the yard across the street. I was by the house, holding L, talking to G, and watching Bug draw with chalk on the driveway. I put L in G's arms and ran to him expecting the worst. I thought for sure there would be blood, a missing ear, and a needed trip to the ER. We are very lucky, his ear is fine, he just needed a minute to recover. He does have a burn/scrape on his shin. He really scared the crap out of me.

It really was fun though, we stayed up until nearly three. The kids were, of course, passed out so we stayed at Gs. Since moving out 13 years ago, I have only stayed here a few times. This morning was lovely. L and I were up first. I cleaned bottles while enjoying the quiet morning. Then we sat outside while he had his breakfast bottle. It was very nice. Now Sweetie is making us breakfast. I don't know what we have in store for today, but so far the holiday weekend has been wonderful.

Relaxing

Well, my girl day turned in early. We went to Brushy Creek Park to walk the trails. And we did just that. The rain held out for us and it was a great time. We played on a play ground and tested our strength. Luckily we were the only ones there. As we left to go to lunch she said "maybe we should have rest first". Sure enough she was tired and wanted to take a nap before lunch.

This weekend is a hard one. I am expecting to break down at least once. We are going through my Dad's study. There are years of memories and junk to go through. I found the tapes of my girl scout performances, my graduation from High School, and Christmas of 91. Sweetie and I are the only ones with a VHS tape deck still so I get to take them to our house and view them.

Going to the park today with Bug a little strange. Even though I have lived in the same area, within 4 miles of the house I grew up in, my whole life, I rarely go North towards the schools I went to. I knew things had changed, but this time I was explaining the sights to Bug, so it really hit me. This was the first time I drove past my elementary in a very long time. It has changed in so many ways. She was very interested that it was the school where I went to Kindergarten. She asked my teacher's name and what we did in class. Having a five year old is awesome.

While at the park we found a fishing spot that my Dad would have loved. Going with the rest of the weekend, it got me a little teary. Don't get me wrong, it isn't a sad weekend. It is a reflective weekend. Remembering the good times, missing those who we lost along the way, and planning for the future. One thing we found so far was really cool. It was a photo album of my grandma's (father's mom). It was made in 1930 and had her address listed. We were saying how cool it was and I said we should look it up on google maps. We did and it was so neat. The house may not be the same, but we looked around the street. It was very neat. She was 27 at the time, single and loving it. The album has pictures of many friends (male and female) and places. Truly neat to think about my grandma as a young woman. If only I could go back as a fly on the wall and see what it was like when they were my age.

Now off to snuggle the next generation :-)

Going good

Things are good. L started daycare yesterday. I was good and didn't cry. Though I did tear up at work and the day before, lol. Work is good. I am happy to be back. I have a ton to do and am behind but that is a good thing as it makes the day go faster and I can get to my babies sooner.

Did I mention the 10 pound challenge. Work has this challenge where you have to lose 10 pounds before Aug 6th. If you don't you have to pay $100 to the pot. If you do lose it then you get to split the pot with others that also lost. This is completely voluntary, but once you commit you are in. Well, I am happy to say I only need to lose 5 more to be at the goal. Woo Hoo.

I need to start walking again. Really what I need is a better schedule for the kids and Sweetie. But the priority is there. Sweetie has been running again and doing good. Our goal is at least a 10k, if not a half marathon for L's 1st b-day.

I am still shocked that I have kidS. Two, isn't that crazy. I feel like more of an adult with two. Not to mention the pain that writing the check yesterday caused. Two in daycare (and a very nice one at that) is expensive. But it is worth it. If it means we have to stay in our little house for an extra year to make it work, it is worth it. My kids are worth it.

I need to post some pics. If you are on my facebook, I know you have seen how absolutely adorable L is. He is all boy and I am happy to say no one has thought he was a girl. But it is his cheeks, you just want to squeeze them. So far I have heard that he looks like Sweetie and Bug. This is funny as Bug looks like me but no one says he looks like me. I hope it looks more like Sweetie. It would only be fair :-)

This past weekend we went to Ft Worth for our first little family vacation as a set of 4. It was a LOT of fun. We are going to make it a priority to go away at least once a quarter. With Sweetie's spot finding (gowalla) and our love of just wondering, walking, and talking we can go anywhere.

I am very excited about this weekend. Yes, I only worked two days and then get a three day weekend. I planned that quite nicely. Tomorrow I get one on one girl time with Bug, then the 4th and fireworks, and Monday will be family fun tooling around town and visiting some parks. I have a feeling I am going to do some more videoing for the spot finder ;-)

Things are good. And I am doing very good. Happy pills kicked in, thyroid meds reduced, and just enjoying my family. I am letting go of the whole perfection goal. I need to start back on the FlyLady. It is all about babysteps.

Let the weekend begin :-)