contemplations

The holidays have been very surreal. I thrived on Bug's reactions to my favorite time of year. And while it was a longer Christmas season, it seemed to pass too quickly to do all that I wanted. And with our anniversary coming up, my focus has been on that.

What do you get the man who makes you happier than anyone else, who knows you better than anyone, who fights for the survival of "you" on a daily basis? The traditional gift is tin/aluminum. Does a can of Mountain Dew really speak my emotions?

Speaking of emotions.... If it wasn't for the little pill that I am on right now, I would swear I was pregnant. I have been crying at ANYTHING. And it doesn't even have to be something I see, just a thought can send me off. It has not been depressed crying - though I did have my normal couple of days in the season where I wanted to crawl into my closet and not come out. Though that was fleeting.

This year I am simply overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with happiness. I feel like everything is going so well. I love it when A at work makes gagging noises when she hears Sweetie and me on the phone, I love it when I hear people say that we are made for each other. I love how hard we have fought and focused and prioritized to get to this point. Ten years ago we were different people. We were young and stupid and yes, in love. We were insecure and didn't even know it. The last 10 years have played like a novel. We have had heartache, feeling lost, losing loved ones, excitement, bliss, sadness, happiness, and the most important, laughter.

Where was I going? I am a very date oriented person. I am a very controlling person. This has not been the case as much lately. Sweetie has something planned for our anniversary. I have no clue what it is. I am not trying to solve the puzzle and ruin the surprise. I have been walking without a stopwatch. And I have been accepting my weight and not letting myself ruin this time in my life because of a stupid number on the scale. This may not sound big, but for me, this is huge.

We still have 4 days in 2007. I am at the point in the year where I look back, think of resolutions and how to improve. 2007 is the year of the Boar. Since BestFriend was born in the year of the boar, she chose the theme of the year - concurring fear. So what have I done with my year? I went to the blog blowout and met fellow bloggers in person - something I would never do. I completed five 5ks. I made the decision to do the RAI - scariest of all only to find out I didn't need it yet. I met old friends and I allowed myself to open up at work and trust people again.

If you know anything about me, you know that I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. This goes for good and bad. Not so much as a "you did something bad so now you have cancer", but in a this lesson is here for you to learn from, this heartache will lead to something more. I never claim to have the answers as to what the reason is. But it is what keeps me going, it is my faith. Take my disease. I do not know where I am right now, could be in remission could be back in Graves'. You have to let go of control with something like this. And just when I thought I had control and the upper hand, the tables turned and I found out quickly that the control that I thought I had was a mirage. I firmly believe that one of the reasons I have this experience is to teach me to let go, that I cannot have control. And most importantly, control does not mean happiness.

I said that the decision to move ahead with the RAI was the scariest thing done this year. That isn't true. The scariest thing was not looking over my shoulder at every turn, to stop waiting for the next big fall. Sweetie gave me a reminder coin to carry with me for my b-day. It says "faith". To trust, to have faith, to let go of control is very very scary. But, for me, it is the only way to find true happiness. It is the only way to live my life with my soul-mate where we will never again accept neutral as an option and we laugh daily.

Wow, I didn't expect that to be so long. I guess it has been coming. Thanks for listening. And to reward you putting up with my ramblings, here is a photo (there was going to be a video but it is taking too long, I will try again later):