Tonight we remembered the diapers

Camera

This is what I got for my b-day. Yay! Now I can take pictures while Sweetie takes video.

Tonight was an adventure to Target. We went for diapers. We left with many things but no diapers, lol.

I cannot believe next week is Thanksgiving. I love love love Thanksgiving. Sweetie and I want to walk the 5 mile Turkey Trot. In order to do this comfortably we plan to walk 4 miles this weekend.

Nails

Day three 0f 365. Look at my beautiful nails.

Good things today: Lunch with Sweetie, dinner while watching Gilmore Girls with Mom, playing at Barnes & Noble, and sharing left-over b-day cake with Bug. Good day.

Sleeping Baby

My baby sleeps.

Today is a good day. I am tired from the busy weekend. And I was very happy for today to be a rest day for my walking - I am a little sore from my walk yesterday.

Tonight is planned to finish watching Heros, transfer the sleeping baby to her bed, listen to Sweetie read the next chapter in The Unfortunate Events, and drift off to sleep in each other's arms.

Oh and 6 weeks and no biting my nails.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today I am 30! This weekend has been wonderful. Friday night was party with friends, Saturday was Bug's Assistant Director's going away party. I got very.drunk! And today was a great actual b-day. Sweetie made me my favorite breakfast, we watched Spirited Away, took a nap, I walked for an hour, and then the family came over.

This is the button that Sweetie made for me. He also made a t-shirt for me with the design.


So far, 30 rocks. Today begins my 365 day challenge.

Goodbye 20s - a couple of days early

Today is my last Thursday of my Twenties. So much has happened over the last 10 years. I am a completely different person than when I entered my 20s. When I entered my 20s I lived at home, had a boyfriend (he proposed Feb 97), was attending college, just joined WW for the first time, and worked for my parents - my dad was still alive. Now I live in my own home, have a wonderful husband and beautiful daughter, have completed two degrees, work as an Accounting Manager, I at least chat with my mom on a daily basis, and while I still struggle with my weight, I feel much more comfortable in my own skin

My 20s were a rollercoaster ride. I experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. My thyroid broke and flipped. I lost weight, gained weight, lost weight, and gained weight. I experienced depression, went on meds, off med, back on meds, and then resolved to try and do without them. I lost many family members and friends - family to death, friends to life. I completed two half marathons. I continued with my schooling even when Sweetie lost his job. I met incredible people who I am happy to say are still in my life. I reconnected with lost friends that mean the world to me. And I became closer with my brother and SIL. I made my family a priority. I made myself a priority. I felt sorrow, heartache, emptiness, happiness, accomplishment, love, and giddiness.

I learned that life is too short to hang around people that do not amaze you. This includes you. You need to amaze yourself. I am finally at a point where I amaze myself. I learned that you never know when you will receive a phone call or email that will change your life forever. Regardless of what the Boy Scouts say, you can never be prepared. I learned, in a very difficult way, that you can never be in control. I learned that family is the most important thing in the world. I learned people are human. I learned that I do not like traveling without my husband beside me. I learned that I am deeply moved by tradition and want nothing more than to pass our silly ones on to the next generation. I learned that I can do anything that I put my mind to. I learned that there is nothing sexier than self confidence. I learned to forgive those who hurt me. I learned that relationships change and, if you are lucky, for the better - and I am so very lucky. I learned that you can fall in love with your husband time and time again - for completely different things. And I learned that at the end of the day, all I want is to watch Simpsons and other stupid TV with Sweetie.

While my last day of my twenties is not until Saturday, tomorrow is the beginning of my celebrations. So today feels like the last day. And since you know me, you should know that I am a very sentimental person. Turning thirty is not freaking me out. I have accomplished a lot in my 20s and I look forward to my 30s. However, it is a changing of the tide. It makes me excited yet nostalgic. And with every birthday, I tend to make resolutions. I tend to make birthday resolutions rather than New Year's. I am sure there will be another post on that topic.

And a strange turn of events, our plans have changed for Saturday. This was going to be our date night. However, when Sweetie dropped off Bug at school today we got an invite for a b-day party for one of Bug's classmate's dad. We don't know them, only through our kids - they are boyfriend/ girlfriend. He kisses her (sometimes bites) and wants to hold her hand - she growls and pushes him away. They invited us since the kids get along and we get along whenever we see them at the school. And neat thing is that he is turning 31 - same age as Sweetie. Funny thing is that we really thought they were older than us. I think we are older than we think we are, lol. So it looks like it is going to be a date day with the party that night. I am excited. Should be fun. Does anyone know what "Colombian aguardiente" is?

Tonight Sweetie and I are doing the final touches on the house for the party. That and eating Vietnamese - yummy spring rolls.

Election Day

I voted! That means I get to complain. Sweetie and I met at lunch to vote together and then enjoyed some food together. It is beautiful outside. Unseasonably warm and clear.

BLAH.

You heard me right, BLAH. My b-day is supposed to be cold, overcast, and raining. This past weekend I looked at the 10 day forecast and it showed a high of 70 and 60% chance of rain for both Saturday and Sunday. I was so excited. Of course, this has changed. Now it is mid 70s and only a 20% chance of rain on Saturday. Now don't get me wrong, it will be a beautiful weekend. But I tell you, my best b-days have been freezing ones. Don't worry my b-day will still ROCK.

Last night was cleaning the kitchen. Why I decided to have a party at our house on a Friday night, aka no time to clean beforehand, I have no idea. I cleaned the fridge, counters, and even some of the pantry - YAY. Tonight the goal is the living area (dining room, living room, and hall tree). I can do it. I am motivated.

There is a 5k right by my house on Saturday. We are thinking about doing it. We shall see.

And once again I am bragging about myself at work. I totally rock. I am catching on quicker than I expected. I really like it here.

OK, time to pick up the Bug. I promise a more in-depth post soon.

Glich in the Matrix

Strangeness. Ever feel like you are living in the Matrix? I mean seriously. When I interviewed here everyone seemed familiar. One guy, I swear I know him, he even went to SEU - but many years before me. But that happens all the time. When I started I heard the IT guy's name and I was like, hmmm sounds familiar. I then meet him, sure enough also looks familiar. I ask Sweetie if he knows him, he admits the name sound familiar but we cannot place him. Well, a lot of the people here are the same way - familiar but not sure why.

So I have felt this strange sensation that I have been here before. It is the weirdest feeling and one I have never had at a new job. Well, I receive some checks for coding in my in box. I receive them a couple of times a week. Every time the envelopes say "Melissa". However, today it says "Missy". This is very strange as no one knows me here as Missy. But maybe they do?

Another strange thing. I know that I am reporting a week early. But after three weeks of not weighing I got on the scale. I have been BAD, I mean in complete rebellion. Bad food and not exercising. I was dreading the number but told myself that with my birthday I would start being healthier.

Well, I got on and was very excited to see the exact same number. Seriously, I should have gained 10 pounds. But I guess I have not been as bad as I thought. Which makes me want to be good.

And I am feeling very good about myself. I know it sounds vain, but I am having a "man, I'm sexy" day. I love days like this :-)

And on a related note. Sweetie and I were talking this weekend about walking. He wants me to get back into my long distance walking. He says it improves my mood and my confidence. I agree. And there is the perfect amount of time to train for the Austin Half Marathon, pending me getting my butt out of bed in the morning. I am a fair weather walker. While it may not get too cold here in Texas, it is cold enough to want to stay in bed.

So that is what is going on with me today. And I must say that I ROCK. I have been working on a reconciliation for two days. I finally solved it. I feel great. That is one thing about my job, most days are word problems and when you solve the word problem, it feels great.

Now I need to close so I can get my Bug and get home for some "knock your panties off" potatoes.

Thank you antibiotics

I am finally starting to feel better. Thank goodness. Looks like I should be feeling close to normal for my b-day.

The weekend was not as exciting as last week, due to me resting, but Sweetie and I were productive, nevertheless. We spent our weekend talking, napping, and getting another home improvement item taken care of (new blinds in the living room - woo hoo). Luckily, I didn't have to do anything for the installation other than to watch. Well, that and make oatmeal. I make great oatmeal.

Quick Check-in

I have a sinus infection, I am tired and need to sleep. So, this is a quick check-in.

I got my b-day invites out - so now the main thing is to get the remainder of the house clean.

Other than feeling icky, I am doing good.

Pictures

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Happy Halloween

So Kristine, as she does so well, is challenging us. There is a thing called "365 photos". You take a photo of yourself everyday. Not in the same pose or anything, but you in some respect. I thought about this kind of thing back mid September. I had no idea something like this already existed. I like the idea. Now I am going to try my hardest, but we all know how I can be, but I think I am going to start it with my b-day. My first of 365 photos of me on my 30th b-day.

Yesterday we FINALLY got my car inspected. Didn't take it in for months due to the cost of tires, get a warning, take it in and do not pass because of check engine light, take it to the dealership and get it fixed but was told that I had to wait 100 driven miles before getting it inspected. Finally I am current. No more anxiety attacks as I drive past the police.

I forgot to mention something really cute on Saturday. Not only did I find the letter of the ex-friend, but we also found much happier letters. We found the letters that Sweetie wrote to me from Camp in 1992. They were too cute. He apparently was pimping out his gameboy - and that made him a rich mo-fo and allowed him to drink a lot of coke. HAHAHA.

I am doing a ton better with my depression. I am contemplating the Austin Half Marathon in February. Who knows?

23 days and no nail biting!

Tonight will be a blast. We will go from Grammy's to Grandma's and perhaps to MotoDiva's, should be fun. I love Halloween because it is my Sweetie's favorite holiday. Bug is going as Minnie Mouse. Last night it really hit me that my daughter is going as a mouse - heehee. I am not sure what I am going to be - whatever I find in the closet, but that is how I roll. Sweetie will be a dead pilot. He is wearing what I wore last year except with a mask and gloves, a much creepier version.

I am good. I have my chili for tonight, will be getting my Bug soon, and plan to have a blast with my in-laws.

Don't worry pictures of Minnie Mouse will post tonight or tomorrow night.

How Now Brown Cow

Our verdict? We stayed home to work on our room. Mostly because I have never been 4 hours away from Bug. This proved to be the correct choice as leaving her was hard and Sweetie admitted that adding distance is not yet the best idea. Friday night we went and, much to Sweetie's dismay - well not really - we watched "Grudge 2". It was not as good as the first. But it still freaked Sweetie out *grin*. He says while he does not like scary movies, he likes watching them with me.

Then Saturday began the fun. We woke early and headed out for breakfast. We ended up at LaMadeline's. We had never had breakfast there. It was so good. Yummy crepes and croissants. When we got home we began the fun of redoing our bedroom. Our bedroom has been neglected. It has been the room where things get shoved when company is coming. From where I sit right now, I am ashamed of how bad we let our bedroom get. We did not let anyone see the room unless absolutely needed. Right now it is the only room I would want anyone to see.

We sorted through mail, clothing, shoes, nic-nacks, books, videos, etc... We went through absolutely everything in our room. This caused a drop off today at the local goodwill with a carload full. I even found old correspondence from a once dear turned horrible "friend". I received much happiness in burning the letter.

We then taped, set up drop clothes, and covered the window and doors. The painting began. It went quickly once we finally started it. The cleaning, sorting, and organizing took a long time. We used a spray gun for the painting. I hoped it would make the project go faster, and I was correct.

We finally got to bed around 4, that is AFTER we set the clocks back. We got up at 8 this morning and finished the job. We had the pleasure of putting everything back. Actually that was the best part. Waking up to take down the tape and coverings was like Christmas morning. It was very exciting.

The result? The best weekend with Sweetie in a long time. We realized this morning that through the whole process we did not argue, get frustrated, or disagree in the slightest. In a word it was - awesome. Our bedroom is our favorite room in the house, as it should be.

I am now in bed, exhausted. Bug is in my arms, man I missed her. We purchased new sheets today, they feel so comfortable. Sweetie is already passed out. Our weekend was so amazing. I fell in love with the guy all over again.

Two weeks until 30. I am ready. I have my grown up bedroom.

Thank you, Sweetie. It was exactly what I needed.

Sweetie won't let me post the before photos, but here are the after - only items pending: our new window treatment and deciding where to put my bears.

Softball

Last night was counseling session #6. I think that this will be the last one with this guy. I think we have come to the end of his resources. We really wanted to give him a chance so we kept going. Plus even if the session wasn't as insightful as we hoped, it motivated discussions between us that were very good. They say, who are they, I don't know, but they say that you should give it six weeks. And I feel we did that. Last night we discussed my depression. This is a really good topic. I was told to journal; get everything negative out of my head and on paper. That way it is no longer in my head. I was listening and thinking, yes this is called free-writing and I have done it before. I felt I knew that he was going to say that I should get it all out and then throw away the paper - like getting rid of the bad thoughts about myself and such. Nope he said that I should keep it close by and if I start to think bad thoughts again tell myself that I can read them. OK I am a dweller. That would not be good, I would reread. Hell, I reread my blog, over and over. The joke in my house is that my blog is my favorite. When he first started talking he said for me to keep it private so I could feel open to writing anything that came out. Then he said I might want to share it with Sweetie. Now I am not knocking journaling or the free-writing experience, I think they can be very helpful. But I did not get the feeling that this guy knew what he was talking about. Then at the end Sweetie asked what he could do when I feel low. He asked if there were any tricks/tips that could help me. Seems like a good question. The counselor said "only Melissa can tell you that, Melissa what do you want?" I told him that I didn't know. Sweetie rephrased it and asked if there was anything he should try in the meantime while I am figuring out what would help the most. Again he got the same answer on how everyone is different and only I can answer that. Now don't get me wrong, he was correct, only I know what I need. However, we expected something from his 18 years experience that could help. Even if it was along the lines of what helped other patients, this has been his tactic with everything else.

So now we are trying to decide if we find another counselor or what. Even with it being less than, I think we got a lot out of the experience. We bought the books he suggested. I don't think he was completely horrible, I just think we want a level deeper. Counselors should have levels like in martial arts. Sometimes a senior green belt is good, other times you need a decided second degree black.

In other news, we are still undecided on the weekend, lol. Part of me wants a great romantic weekend. The other part thinks that doing a project together would be very romantic in another way. Plus it would make me feel accomplished before my upcoming new decade. If we decide to stay home, I will take a TON of before and after photos. Hopefully the after will be wonderful enough to make me want to post the before, lol.

Sweetie's company was going to have a softball game this afternoon with a catered lunch. It got cancelled due to the rain yesterday and thus wet fields today. So we decided that if this happened that we would lunch together. I went to my car to leave for lunch. After getting into the car I notice a note under the windshield wiper. I look around to see if the other cars have this same notice. Nothing on any other cars. I then get paranoid that someone hit my car and they were leaving a note to let me know. I get the note and see a small hand-drawn softball on the front. I knew it was from my Sweetie. It was a handwritten card that spoke of how he was happy that the softball game was cancelled because that meant he got to have lunch with me. That made me smile. He went out of his way to come to my work to leave me this surprise. We then had a fantastic lunch.

We just finished playing my first game ever of StarCraft. We played it against one another, although mostly this was a learning experience for me, as will be the first dozen games I suppose. It was a lot of fun. I have always enjoyed playing games with Sweetie and I am very happy to have the opportunity to connect with Sweetie on something like this. And don't get me wrong, he will get his. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But someday I will beat him at this game.

Now it is time for bed. Today was a good day. I like good days.

The books the counselor suggested were: The Five Love Languages, Loving Solutions, and The Five Languages of Apology. These will go nicely with the books we already have :-)

Fox in Socks

I just received an email about teaching at the local community college. I applied a few months ago and they finally responded. I was shocked to find out I qualify to teach college. Who knew? I am not sure about the details, or if I am going to do it. I honestly do not think that I have the time that is required for such an endeavor. But it is exciting nevertheless.

I am doing very good today.

If you ever feel depressed, pick up "Fox in Socks" and try to read it very quickly. You cannot possibly stay sad.

This weekend is going to be exciting. We have many options. One is to go to Corpus with friends, another is to go out of town elsewhere, and the third is to make over our bedroom. We bought the supplies mid September and have not had the time to proceed. Such a hard choice.

Bad Day

Today is not a good day. The depression is back. I do not know why. I feel like I have a blanket around me, like I am disconnected from the world. I cannot say the right things to anyone. I feel lost. I said I would blog about it. Well, I am in the throws of it. Work has no idea, I can fake it. Not good today. I just want to sit in a closet. Sweetie is set on a romantic weekend this weekend. I don't know what I want to do. I feel hollow, I feel like crying - but lack the tears. Those who know ask what is going on. I cannot answer. I don't know. I just know how I feel. I want to be at home. I want to be away from the world. I want to hold my baby.

I hate days like this. I hate the way they feel. I hate how horrible the depression feels, yet at the same time it is comforting, like a kind of comfort you can get sucked in to.

When I am having days like this, it is hard to be a good friend. It is hard to make decisions; I have no idea what I want or how to choose. I become rude, uncaring, and distant. I was good this morning; I don’t know what did it.

I wrote the above earlier today. I was not doing well. Good news is that I am feeling better. Actually much better. I started on some new items at work, ate some nuts, got some caffeine, and chatted with friends. That helped a lot.

Life is still good. I didn't bite my nails and that is good. I just want to get home and have Sweetie's arms around me.

Life

Less than 3 weeks until I am, what I consider, an adult. This is big for me. Not because of any big changes, but because when people ask my age or say "you are only in your 20s aren't you", I can say "nope". I know that sounds silly, but it is true. My experience has shown that the younger you are in my field the better it is not. That doesn't mean I want to be older quicker. Actually, I think I have been in my 30s for a long time. MotoDiva says how she is 35. Always has been, always will be. That is the same for me, but I think I am closer to 38.

I think the biggest realization about being an adult is life is not perfect. This is nothing new, I know. I have friends and family who are contemplating separation, divorce, fighting illnesses, questioning their careers and trying to find themselves. I bet none of these individuals fantasized about these situations being their reality. Not that everyone's life is completely horrible, but I bet everyone's life is different than expected when they were younger, life is hard, and life gets real. The biggest thing I have learned is that no one is perfect. No relationship is perfect. It is the decision to accept the imperfections, to love the person in spite of them, the realization that the situation is worth fighting for. I have lost too many loved ones. I cannot get them back. I refuse to let those I love slide by without me fighting to keep them in my life. Now I am bad about correspondence and vow to improve that. I owe many emails to several people. You know who you are. I am not ignoring you. You are in my thoughts. I simply want to send emails worthy of the ones you have sent me.

Where is this coming from? A friend of mine is contemplating leaving her husband. Who? It doesn't matter who. What matters is that I am here for her whether she makes that jump or they work things out.

It makes me think a lot about my Sweetie and me. Our relationship is different from everyone else's. I do not claim to know anything about marriage. I only know about mine. I only know that Sweetie and I have vowed to do everything in our power to fight for our marriage, not only to fight, but to make it better, to never give up regardless of what life throws at us. To adore each other more everyday, to be each other's best friend, and to continue to evolve - neutral is not an option. But that is us. Our relationship is very far from perfect, but it is perfect for us. The choices I have made, that we have made, put us where we are today. Where are we? Well, we are stronger than ever before. We are working hard to make our relationship forever. Marriage alone does not do this. Marriage is work. Marriage can get tough. We want to be a team that works this on the same side. On this past New Year's Eve Sweetie asked me to marry him again. We are still in the process of planning. Not sure when, where, how, or who with. But we want to renew our vows and this time we are writing our own. Because nothing is perfect, because we see relationships fall around us, because we were only 21/22 when we got married, we want to proclaim to the world, "we are still in this". Maybe this time I can get a first dance.

I am emotional. I am not depressed, a nice distinction. Now do not get me wrong, my intent above was not to put down my friend, to say she isn't trying, or to make light of their situation. Nothing could be further from the truth. I want them both happy. If that means their time together is complete, I will be sad, but supportive through both of their transitions. If this is just a rough patch, I will be here to offer any and all support that I can. I don't know what it is like to be in their situation, just like they don't know what it is like to be in mine. All I can be is a friend.

With that said, I just have to add that we are soooo into the new show Hero. I cannot wait to see it tonight. It is just too good.

Fall and Karma

I have not blogged in a few days. Friday, Sweetie and I had a day to ourselves. He was given a free day and I called in sick. No worries, I believe in karma, in a big way. Sure enough Friday night I began to suffer the symptoms that I called in about. Not good at all. Was it worth it? Yes, it was. Very.much.so ;-)

The remainder of the weekend was very nice. Errands, French toast, long naps, and long conversations. The weather was beautiful. First fall weekend, and thusly also led to shopping for more appropriate clothing for Bug. And shopping at Target is always fun.

This post was going to be more thought filled, more interesting, and quite frankly more. However, it is after 10 and we need to be at the car dealership at a nice 7:00am. The good thing is that the work will be covered under warranty.

So I leave you with photos from the tree in my front yard on the fantastic day that was Friday.

Wednesday

Tonight is another counseling session. This makes #5. They are really helping. I don't know how long we will be with this guy - will move on to someone else when we feel we have reached the end of his resources. The thing I love is that we go, talk about topics that another plans for us (takes the pressure off of us), and then we go to dinner and continue the discussion from the meeting. I think it is good.

We completed a 30 minute family walk last night. It was very nice. I hope we are able to do it again tonight. I truly love that time together. And Bug is too cute, she asks to go for the walks and gets very excited when she figures out that we are actually going. Too Cute. And when we walk she has to hold my hand. So Sweetie pushes, Bug is in her stroller, and she and I hold hands. That is, of course, until she falls asleep.

These nails are driving me crazy. 1.5 weeks without biting. The growth is enough to slow down my "fast as lightening" 10-key abilities. Now don’t worry, I am keeping them pretty and not biting, but it is frustrating when doing some data entry and your numbers are off.

Another New Attempt

Today has not been productive. Or maybe it has. My boss is out on a CPE training. I cannot wait until I go to these. Not only is he out, his boss is out, and her boss is out. See where I am going with this? I came in to find work waiting on my chair. I completed what was there. That was well before lunch. I could have moved on to the next month with the items we have covered, working on July's close right now. But nope, I felt like being unproductive. LoL.

I started to experience some depression and Sweetie, knowing me better than anyone else, demanded I have lunch with him. I know it sounds harsh, but he knew that I needed to get out of the office. I cannot wait until I move into my actual office and out of this gray cube, I think the depression will be less solely because of sunshine. I went to lunch and it helped. We were close to home so I stopped and picked up my "Office Yoga" book, hand lotion, and the new Enigma CD. Sweetie knew exactly what I needed. Thank you, Sweetie. I love you.

And I am giving up the scale. Since I rejoined WW, I have lost 1.6 pounds - that is all. So my new approach is eating to feel energy and exercising to feel stronger. Novel concept, isn't it? It is actually going to be hard for me. But I am convinced that weight loss is not possible right now with my meds. It might get easier in December when my meds are lowered (please let them be lowered). But the goal is to keep lowering which means I will continue to be overmedicated. Which will mean inability to lose and perhaps even gaining. So I am letting go. I am trying to let go of a lot lately. Instead, I am focusing on eating more Southbeach like, as I keep reading that a diet like this is the best for thyroid, and exercise that makes me happy. No counting, no weighing. I like control. No let's be honest, I love control. It is a main theme in my life. And one I am working on. But I have no control on my weight loss. And a diet is all about control. So I am going back to what I was like when I was pregnant. I only ate when I was hungry, I didn't over indulge, and I only weighed at the Dr's office once a month (until the end when the appointments increased). Now I did watch that weight and kept it in the back of my mind, I did not ignore it completely. So if I go with that mind set and add exercise I should get healthier, even if I do not lose weight. I am just moving weight loss from the front of my mind to the back. And weight loss is not the end all measure. The main thing is to come up with other ways to observe my progress rather than the scale. Clothing is a good one. So are measurements. And lets not forget pictures. But if I am able to exercise longer, lift more, or sleep better and the scale hasn't moved, who cares really. And if after a month it does move, Right On!

So while that may sound like other posts I have written, this time is very different. I am going to take an assessment and then put the scale away until 4 weeks from now. I will keep everyone posted. Sweetie is pushing for our family walks to move to a daily basis and I want to get more into yoga.

Much like everything else in my life right now, this is a work in progress.