So Kristine, as she does so well, is challenging us. There is a thing called "365 photos". You take a photo of yourself everyday. Not in the same pose or anything, but you in some respect. I thought about this kind of thing back mid September. I had no idea something like this already existed. I like the idea. Now I am going to try my hardest, but we all know how I can be, but I think I am going to start it with my b-day. My first of 365 photos of me on my 30th b-day.
Yesterday we FINALLY got my car inspected. Didn't take it in for months due to the cost of tires, get a warning, take it in and do not pass because of check engine light, take it to the dealership and get it fixed but was told that I had to wait 100 driven miles before getting it inspected. Finally I am current. No more anxiety attacks as I drive past the police.
I forgot to mention something really cute on Saturday. Not only did I find the letter of the ex-friend, but we also found much happier letters. We found the letters that Sweetie wrote to me from Camp in 1992. They were too cute. He apparently was pimping out his gameboy - and that made him a rich mo-fo and allowed him to drink a lot of coke. HAHAHA.
I am doing a ton better with my depression. I am contemplating the Austin Half Marathon in February. Who knows?
23 days and no nail biting!
Tonight will be a blast. We will go from Grammy's to Grandma's and perhaps to MotoDiva's, should be fun. I love Halloween because it is my Sweetie's favorite holiday. Bug is going as Minnie Mouse. Last night it really hit me that my daughter is going as a mouse - heehee. I am not sure what I am going to be - whatever I find in the closet, but that is how I roll. Sweetie will be a dead pilot. He is wearing what I wore last year except with a mask and gloves, a much creepier version.
I am good. I have my chili for tonight, will be getting my Bug soon, and plan to have a blast with my in-laws.
Don't worry pictures of Minnie Mouse will post tonight or tomorrow night.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
How Now Brown Cow
Our verdict? We stayed home to work on our room. Mostly because I have never been 4 hours away from Bug. This proved to be the correct choice as leaving her was hard and Sweetie admitted that adding distance is not yet the best idea. Friday night we went and, much to Sweetie's dismay - well not really - we watched "Grudge 2". It was not as good as the first. But it still freaked Sweetie out *grin*. He says while he does not like scary movies, he likes watching them with me.
Then Saturday began the fun. We woke early and headed out for breakfast. We ended up at LaMadeline's. We had never had breakfast there. It was so good. Yummy crepes and croissants. When we got home we began the fun of redoing our bedroom. Our bedroom has been neglected. It has been the room where things get shoved when company is coming. From where I sit right now, I am ashamed of how bad we let our bedroom get. We did not let anyone see the room unless absolutely needed. Right now it is the only room I would want anyone to see.
We sorted through mail, clothing, shoes, nic-nacks, books, videos, etc... We went through absolutely everything in our room. This caused a drop off today at the local goodwill with a carload full. I even found old correspondence from a once dear turned horrible "friend". I received much happiness in burning the letter.
We then taped, set up drop clothes, and covered the window and doors. The painting began. It went quickly once we finally started it. The cleaning, sorting, and organizing took a long time. We used a spray gun for the painting. I hoped it would make the project go faster, and I was correct.
We finally got to bed around 4, that is AFTER we set the clocks back. We got up at 8 this morning and finished the job. We had the pleasure of putting everything back. Actually that was the best part. Waking up to take down the tape and coverings was like Christmas morning. It was very exciting.
The result? The best weekend with Sweetie in a long time. We realized this morning that through the whole process we did not argue, get frustrated, or disagree in the slightest. In a word it was - awesome. Our bedroom is our favorite room in the house, as it should be.
I am now in bed, exhausted. Bug is in my arms, man I missed her. We purchased new sheets today, they feel so comfortable. Sweetie is already passed out. Our weekend was so amazing. I fell in love with the guy all over again.
Two weeks until 30. I am ready. I have my grown up bedroom.
Thank you, Sweetie. It was exactly what I needed.
Sweetie won't let me post the before photos, but here are the after - only items pending: our new window treatment and deciding where to put my bears.
Then Saturday began the fun. We woke early and headed out for breakfast. We ended up at LaMadeline's. We had never had breakfast there. It was so good. Yummy crepes and croissants. When we got home we began the fun of redoing our bedroom. Our bedroom has been neglected. It has been the room where things get shoved when company is coming. From where I sit right now, I am ashamed of how bad we let our bedroom get. We did not let anyone see the room unless absolutely needed. Right now it is the only room I would want anyone to see.
We sorted through mail, clothing, shoes, nic-nacks, books, videos, etc... We went through absolutely everything in our room. This caused a drop off today at the local goodwill with a carload full. I even found old correspondence from a once dear turned horrible "friend". I received much happiness in burning the letter.
We then taped, set up drop clothes, and covered the window and doors. The painting began. It went quickly once we finally started it. The cleaning, sorting, and organizing took a long time. We used a spray gun for the painting. I hoped it would make the project go faster, and I was correct.
We finally got to bed around 4, that is AFTER we set the clocks back. We got up at 8 this morning and finished the job. We had the pleasure of putting everything back. Actually that was the best part. Waking up to take down the tape and coverings was like Christmas morning. It was very exciting.
The result? The best weekend with Sweetie in a long time. We realized this morning that through the whole process we did not argue, get frustrated, or disagree in the slightest. In a word it was - awesome. Our bedroom is our favorite room in the house, as it should be.
I am now in bed, exhausted. Bug is in my arms, man I missed her. We purchased new sheets today, they feel so comfortable. Sweetie is already passed out. Our weekend was so amazing. I fell in love with the guy all over again.
Two weeks until 30. I am ready. I have my grown up bedroom.
Thank you, Sweetie. It was exactly what I needed.
Sweetie won't let me post the before photos, but here are the after - only items pending: our new window treatment and deciding where to put my bears.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Softball
Last night was counseling session #6. I think that this will be the last one with this guy. I think we have come to the end of his resources. We really wanted to give him a chance so we kept going. Plus even if the session wasn't as insightful as we hoped, it motivated discussions between us that were very good. They say, who are they, I don't know, but they say that you should give it six weeks. And I feel we did that. Last night we discussed my depression. This is a really good topic. I was told to journal; get everything negative out of my head and on paper. That way it is no longer in my head. I was listening and thinking, yes this is called free-writing and I have done it before. I felt I knew that he was going to say that I should get it all out and then throw away the paper - like getting rid of the bad thoughts about myself and such. Nope he said that I should keep it close by and if I start to think bad thoughts again tell myself that I can read them. OK I am a dweller. That would not be good, I would reread. Hell, I reread my blog, over and over. The joke in my house is that my blog is my favorite. When he first started talking he said for me to keep it private so I could feel open to writing anything that came out. Then he said I might want to share it with Sweetie. Now I am not knocking journaling or the free-writing experience, I think they can be very helpful. But I did not get the feeling that this guy knew what he was talking about. Then at the end Sweetie asked what he could do when I feel low. He asked if there were any tricks/tips that could help me. Seems like a good question. The counselor said "only Melissa can tell you that, Melissa what do you want?" I told him that I didn't know. Sweetie rephrased it and asked if there was anything he should try in the meantime while I am figuring out what would help the most. Again he got the same answer on how everyone is different and only I can answer that. Now don't get me wrong, he was correct, only I know what I need. However, we expected something from his 18 years experience that could help. Even if it was along the lines of what helped other patients, this has been his tactic with everything else.
So now we are trying to decide if we find another counselor or what. Even with it being less than, I think we got a lot out of the experience. We bought the books he suggested. I don't think he was completely horrible, I just think we want a level deeper. Counselors should have levels like in martial arts. Sometimes a senior green belt is good, other times you need a decided second degree black.
In other news, we are still undecided on the weekend, lol. Part of me wants a great romantic weekend. The other part thinks that doing a project together would be very romantic in another way. Plus it would make me feel accomplished before my upcoming new decade. If we decide to stay home, I will take a TON of before and after photos. Hopefully the after will be wonderful enough to make me want to post the before, lol.
Sweetie's company was going to have a softball game this afternoon with a catered lunch. It got cancelled due to the rain yesterday and thus wet fields today. So we decided that if this happened that we would lunch together. I went to my car to leave for lunch. After getting into the car I notice a note under the windshield wiper. I look around to see if the other cars have this same notice. Nothing on any other cars. I then get paranoid that someone hit my car and they were leaving a note to let me know. I get the note and see a small hand-drawn softball on the front. I knew it was from my Sweetie. It was a handwritten card that spoke of how he was happy that the softball game was cancelled because that meant he got to have lunch with me. That made me smile. He went out of his way to come to my work to leave me this surprise. We then had a fantastic lunch.
We just finished playing my first game ever of StarCraft. We played it against one another, although mostly this was a learning experience for me, as will be the first dozen games I suppose. It was a lot of fun. I have always enjoyed playing games with Sweetie and I am very happy to have the opportunity to connect with Sweetie on something like this. And don't get me wrong, he will get his. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But someday I will beat him at this game.
Now it is time for bed. Today was a good day. I like good days.
The books the counselor suggested were: The Five Love Languages, Loving Solutions, and The Five Languages of Apology. These will go nicely with the books we already have :-)
So now we are trying to decide if we find another counselor or what. Even with it being less than, I think we got a lot out of the experience. We bought the books he suggested. I don't think he was completely horrible, I just think we want a level deeper. Counselors should have levels like in martial arts. Sometimes a senior green belt is good, other times you need a decided second degree black.
In other news, we are still undecided on the weekend, lol. Part of me wants a great romantic weekend. The other part thinks that doing a project together would be very romantic in another way. Plus it would make me feel accomplished before my upcoming new decade. If we decide to stay home, I will take a TON of before and after photos. Hopefully the after will be wonderful enough to make me want to post the before, lol.
Sweetie's company was going to have a softball game this afternoon with a catered lunch. It got cancelled due to the rain yesterday and thus wet fields today. So we decided that if this happened that we would lunch together. I went to my car to leave for lunch. After getting into the car I notice a note under the windshield wiper. I look around to see if the other cars have this same notice. Nothing on any other cars. I then get paranoid that someone hit my car and they were leaving a note to let me know. I get the note and see a small hand-drawn softball on the front. I knew it was from my Sweetie. It was a handwritten card that spoke of how he was happy that the softball game was cancelled because that meant he got to have lunch with me. That made me smile. He went out of his way to come to my work to leave me this surprise. We then had a fantastic lunch.
We just finished playing my first game ever of StarCraft. We played it against one another, although mostly this was a learning experience for me, as will be the first dozen games I suppose. It was a lot of fun. I have always enjoyed playing games with Sweetie and I am very happy to have the opportunity to connect with Sweetie on something like this. And don't get me wrong, he will get his. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But someday I will beat him at this game.
Now it is time for bed. Today was a good day. I like good days.
The books the counselor suggested were: The Five Love Languages, Loving Solutions, and The Five Languages of Apology. These will go nicely with the books we already have :-)
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Fox in Socks
I just received an email about teaching at the local community college. I applied a few months ago and they finally responded. I was shocked to find out I qualify to teach college. Who knew? I am not sure about the details, or if I am going to do it. I honestly do not think that I have the time that is required for such an endeavor. But it is exciting nevertheless.
I am doing very good today.
If you ever feel depressed, pick up "Fox in Socks" and try to read it very quickly. You cannot possibly stay sad.
This weekend is going to be exciting. We have many options. One is to go to Corpus with friends, another is to go out of town elsewhere, and the third is to make over our bedroom. We bought the supplies mid September and have not had the time to proceed. Such a hard choice.
I am doing very good today.
If you ever feel depressed, pick up "Fox in Socks" and try to read it very quickly. You cannot possibly stay sad.
This weekend is going to be exciting. We have many options. One is to go to Corpus with friends, another is to go out of town elsewhere, and the third is to make over our bedroom. We bought the supplies mid September and have not had the time to proceed. Such a hard choice.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Bad Day
Today is not a good day. The depression is back. I do not know why. I feel like I have a blanket around me, like I am disconnected from the world. I cannot say the right things to anyone. I feel lost. I said I would blog about it. Well, I am in the throws of it. Work has no idea, I can fake it. Not good today. I just want to sit in a closet. Sweetie is set on a romantic weekend this weekend. I don't know what I want to do. I feel hollow, I feel like crying - but lack the tears. Those who know ask what is going on. I cannot answer. I don't know. I just know how I feel. I want to be at home. I want to be away from the world. I want to hold my baby.
I hate days like this. I hate the way they feel. I hate how horrible the depression feels, yet at the same time it is comforting, like a kind of comfort you can get sucked in to.
When I am having days like this, it is hard to be a good friend. It is hard to make decisions; I have no idea what I want or how to choose. I become rude, uncaring, and distant. I was good this morning; I don’t know what did it.
I wrote the above earlier today. I was not doing well. Good news is that I am feeling better. Actually much better. I started on some new items at work, ate some nuts, got some caffeine, and chatted with friends. That helped a lot.
Life is still good. I didn't bite my nails and that is good. I just want to get home and have Sweetie's arms around me.
I hate days like this. I hate the way they feel. I hate how horrible the depression feels, yet at the same time it is comforting, like a kind of comfort you can get sucked in to.
When I am having days like this, it is hard to be a good friend. It is hard to make decisions; I have no idea what I want or how to choose. I become rude, uncaring, and distant. I was good this morning; I don’t know what did it.
I wrote the above earlier today. I was not doing well. Good news is that I am feeling better. Actually much better. I started on some new items at work, ate some nuts, got some caffeine, and chatted with friends. That helped a lot.
Life is still good. I didn't bite my nails and that is good. I just want to get home and have Sweetie's arms around me.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Life
Less than 3 weeks until I am, what I consider, an adult. This is big for me. Not because of any big changes, but because when people ask my age or say "you are only in your 20s aren't you", I can say "nope". I know that sounds silly, but it is true. My experience has shown that the younger you are in my field the better it is not. That doesn't mean I want to be older quicker. Actually, I think I have been in my 30s for a long time. MotoDiva says how she is 35. Always has been, always will be. That is the same for me, but I think I am closer to 38.
I think the biggest realization about being an adult is life is not perfect. This is nothing new, I know. I have friends and family who are contemplating separation, divorce, fighting illnesses, questioning their careers and trying to find themselves. I bet none of these individuals fantasized about these situations being their reality. Not that everyone's life is completely horrible, but I bet everyone's life is different than expected when they were younger, life is hard, and life gets real. The biggest thing I have learned is that no one is perfect. No relationship is perfect. It is the decision to accept the imperfections, to love the person in spite of them, the realization that the situation is worth fighting for. I have lost too many loved ones. I cannot get them back. I refuse to let those I love slide by without me fighting to keep them in my life. Now I am bad about correspondence and vow to improve that. I owe many emails to several people. You know who you are. I am not ignoring you. You are in my thoughts. I simply want to send emails worthy of the ones you have sent me.
Where is this coming from? A friend of mine is contemplating leaving her husband. Who? It doesn't matter who. What matters is that I am here for her whether she makes that jump or they work things out.
It makes me think a lot about my Sweetie and me. Our relationship is different from everyone else's. I do not claim to know anything about marriage. I only know about mine. I only know that Sweetie and I have vowed to do everything in our power to fight for our marriage, not only to fight, but to make it better, to never give up regardless of what life throws at us. To adore each other more everyday, to be each other's best friend, and to continue to evolve - neutral is not an option. But that is us. Our relationship is very far from perfect, but it is perfect for us. The choices I have made, that we have made, put us where we are today. Where are we? Well, we are stronger than ever before. We are working hard to make our relationship forever. Marriage alone does not do this. Marriage is work. Marriage can get tough. We want to be a team that works this on the same side. On this past New Year's Eve Sweetie asked me to marry him again. We are still in the process of planning. Not sure when, where, how, or who with. But we want to renew our vows and this time we are writing our own. Because nothing is perfect, because we see relationships fall around us, because we were only 21/22 when we got married, we want to proclaim to the world, "we are still in this". Maybe this time I can get a first dance.
I am emotional. I am not depressed, a nice distinction. Now do not get me wrong, my intent above was not to put down my friend, to say she isn't trying, or to make light of their situation. Nothing could be further from the truth. I want them both happy. If that means their time together is complete, I will be sad, but supportive through both of their transitions. If this is just a rough patch, I will be here to offer any and all support that I can. I don't know what it is like to be in their situation, just like they don't know what it is like to be in mine. All I can be is a friend.
With that said, I just have to add that we are soooo into the new show Hero. I cannot wait to see it tonight. It is just too good.
I think the biggest realization about being an adult is life is not perfect. This is nothing new, I know. I have friends and family who are contemplating separation, divorce, fighting illnesses, questioning their careers and trying to find themselves. I bet none of these individuals fantasized about these situations being their reality. Not that everyone's life is completely horrible, but I bet everyone's life is different than expected when they were younger, life is hard, and life gets real. The biggest thing I have learned is that no one is perfect. No relationship is perfect. It is the decision to accept the imperfections, to love the person in spite of them, the realization that the situation is worth fighting for. I have lost too many loved ones. I cannot get them back. I refuse to let those I love slide by without me fighting to keep them in my life. Now I am bad about correspondence and vow to improve that. I owe many emails to several people. You know who you are. I am not ignoring you. You are in my thoughts. I simply want to send emails worthy of the ones you have sent me.
Where is this coming from? A friend of mine is contemplating leaving her husband. Who? It doesn't matter who. What matters is that I am here for her whether she makes that jump or they work things out.
It makes me think a lot about my Sweetie and me. Our relationship is different from everyone else's. I do not claim to know anything about marriage. I only know about mine. I only know that Sweetie and I have vowed to do everything in our power to fight for our marriage, not only to fight, but to make it better, to never give up regardless of what life throws at us. To adore each other more everyday, to be each other's best friend, and to continue to evolve - neutral is not an option. But that is us. Our relationship is very far from perfect, but it is perfect for us. The choices I have made, that we have made, put us where we are today. Where are we? Well, we are stronger than ever before. We are working hard to make our relationship forever. Marriage alone does not do this. Marriage is work. Marriage can get tough. We want to be a team that works this on the same side. On this past New Year's Eve Sweetie asked me to marry him again. We are still in the process of planning. Not sure when, where, how, or who with. But we want to renew our vows and this time we are writing our own. Because nothing is perfect, because we see relationships fall around us, because we were only 21/22 when we got married, we want to proclaim to the world, "we are still in this". Maybe this time I can get a first dance.
I am emotional. I am not depressed, a nice distinction. Now do not get me wrong, my intent above was not to put down my friend, to say she isn't trying, or to make light of their situation. Nothing could be further from the truth. I want them both happy. If that means their time together is complete, I will be sad, but supportive through both of their transitions. If this is just a rough patch, I will be here to offer any and all support that I can. I don't know what it is like to be in their situation, just like they don't know what it is like to be in mine. All I can be is a friend.
With that said, I just have to add that we are soooo into the new show Hero. I cannot wait to see it tonight. It is just too good.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Fall and Karma
I have not blogged in a few days. Friday, Sweetie and I had a day to ourselves. He was given a free day and I called in sick. No worries, I believe in karma, in a big way. Sure enough Friday night I began to suffer the symptoms that I called in about. Not good at all. Was it worth it? Yes, it was. Very.much.so ;-)
The remainder of the weekend was very nice. Errands, French toast, long naps, and long conversations. The weather was beautiful. First fall weekend, and thusly also led to shopping for more appropriate clothing for Bug. And shopping at Target is always fun.
This post was going to be more thought filled, more interesting, and quite frankly more. However, it is after 10 and we need to be at the car dealership at a nice 7:00am. The good thing is that the work will be covered under warranty.
So I leave you with photos from the tree in my front yard on the fantastic day that was Friday.
The remainder of the weekend was very nice. Errands, French toast, long naps, and long conversations. The weather was beautiful. First fall weekend, and thusly also led to shopping for more appropriate clothing for Bug. And shopping at Target is always fun.
This post was going to be more thought filled, more interesting, and quite frankly more. However, it is after 10 and we need to be at the car dealership at a nice 7:00am. The good thing is that the work will be covered under warranty.
So I leave you with photos from the tree in my front yard on the fantastic day that was Friday.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Wednesday
Tonight is another counseling session. This makes #5. They are really helping. I don't know how long we will be with this guy - will move on to someone else when we feel we have reached the end of his resources. The thing I love is that we go, talk about topics that another plans for us (takes the pressure off of us), and then we go to dinner and continue the discussion from the meeting. I think it is good.
We completed a 30 minute family walk last night. It was very nice. I hope we are able to do it again tonight. I truly love that time together. And Bug is too cute, she asks to go for the walks and gets very excited when she figures out that we are actually going. Too Cute. And when we walk she has to hold my hand. So Sweetie pushes, Bug is in her stroller, and she and I hold hands. That is, of course, until she falls asleep.
These nails are driving me crazy. 1.5 weeks without biting. The growth is enough to slow down my "fast as lightening" 10-key abilities. Now don’t worry, I am keeping them pretty and not biting, but it is frustrating when doing some data entry and your numbers are off.
We completed a 30 minute family walk last night. It was very nice. I hope we are able to do it again tonight. I truly love that time together. And Bug is too cute, she asks to go for the walks and gets very excited when she figures out that we are actually going. Too Cute. And when we walk she has to hold my hand. So Sweetie pushes, Bug is in her stroller, and she and I hold hands. That is, of course, until she falls asleep.
These nails are driving me crazy. 1.5 weeks without biting. The growth is enough to slow down my "fast as lightening" 10-key abilities. Now don’t worry, I am keeping them pretty and not biting, but it is frustrating when doing some data entry and your numbers are off.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Another New Attempt
Today has not been productive. Or maybe it has. My boss is out on a CPE training. I cannot wait until I go to these. Not only is he out, his boss is out, and her boss is out. See where I am going with this? I came in to find work waiting on my chair. I completed what was there. That was well before lunch. I could have moved on to the next month with the items we have covered, working on July's close right now. But nope, I felt like being unproductive. LoL.
I started to experience some depression and Sweetie, knowing me better than anyone else, demanded I have lunch with him. I know it sounds harsh, but he knew that I needed to get out of the office. I cannot wait until I move into my actual office and out of this gray cube, I think the depression will be less solely because of sunshine. I went to lunch and it helped. We were close to home so I stopped and picked up my "Office Yoga" book, hand lotion, and the new Enigma CD. Sweetie knew exactly what I needed. Thank you, Sweetie. I love you.
And I am giving up the scale. Since I rejoined WW, I have lost 1.6 pounds - that is all. So my new approach is eating to feel energy and exercising to feel stronger. Novel concept, isn't it? It is actually going to be hard for me. But I am convinced that weight loss is not possible right now with my meds. It might get easier in December when my meds are lowered (please let them be lowered). But the goal is to keep lowering which means I will continue to be overmedicated. Which will mean inability to lose and perhaps even gaining. So I am letting go. I am trying to let go of a lot lately. Instead, I am focusing on eating more Southbeach like, as I keep reading that a diet like this is the best for thyroid, and exercise that makes me happy. No counting, no weighing. I like control. No let's be honest, I love control. It is a main theme in my life. And one I am working on. But I have no control on my weight loss. And a diet is all about control. So I am going back to what I was like when I was pregnant. I only ate when I was hungry, I didn't over indulge, and I only weighed at the Dr's office once a month (until the end when the appointments increased). Now I did watch that weight and kept it in the back of my mind, I did not ignore it completely. So if I go with that mind set and add exercise I should get healthier, even if I do not lose weight. I am just moving weight loss from the front of my mind to the back. And weight loss is not the end all measure. The main thing is to come up with other ways to observe my progress rather than the scale. Clothing is a good one. So are measurements. And lets not forget pictures. But if I am able to exercise longer, lift more, or sleep better and the scale hasn't moved, who cares really. And if after a month it does move, Right On!
So while that may sound like other posts I have written, this time is very different. I am going to take an assessment and then put the scale away until 4 weeks from now. I will keep everyone posted. Sweetie is pushing for our family walks to move to a daily basis and I want to get more into yoga.
Much like everything else in my life right now, this is a work in progress.
I started to experience some depression and Sweetie, knowing me better than anyone else, demanded I have lunch with him. I know it sounds harsh, but he knew that I needed to get out of the office. I cannot wait until I move into my actual office and out of this gray cube, I think the depression will be less solely because of sunshine. I went to lunch and it helped. We were close to home so I stopped and picked up my "Office Yoga" book, hand lotion, and the new Enigma CD. Sweetie knew exactly what I needed. Thank you, Sweetie. I love you.
And I am giving up the scale. Since I rejoined WW, I have lost 1.6 pounds - that is all. So my new approach is eating to feel energy and exercising to feel stronger. Novel concept, isn't it? It is actually going to be hard for me. But I am convinced that weight loss is not possible right now with my meds. It might get easier in December when my meds are lowered (please let them be lowered). But the goal is to keep lowering which means I will continue to be overmedicated. Which will mean inability to lose and perhaps even gaining. So I am letting go. I am trying to let go of a lot lately. Instead, I am focusing on eating more Southbeach like, as I keep reading that a diet like this is the best for thyroid, and exercise that makes me happy. No counting, no weighing. I like control. No let's be honest, I love control. It is a main theme in my life. And one I am working on. But I have no control on my weight loss. And a diet is all about control. So I am going back to what I was like when I was pregnant. I only ate when I was hungry, I didn't over indulge, and I only weighed at the Dr's office once a month (until the end when the appointments increased). Now I did watch that weight and kept it in the back of my mind, I did not ignore it completely. So if I go with that mind set and add exercise I should get healthier, even if I do not lose weight. I am just moving weight loss from the front of my mind to the back. And weight loss is not the end all measure. The main thing is to come up with other ways to observe my progress rather than the scale. Clothing is a good one. So are measurements. And lets not forget pictures. But if I am able to exercise longer, lift more, or sleep better and the scale hasn't moved, who cares really. And if after a month it does move, Right On!
So while that may sound like other posts I have written, this time is very different. I am going to take an assessment and then put the scale away until 4 weeks from now. I will keep everyone posted. Sweetie is pushing for our family walks to move to a daily basis and I want to get more into yoga.
Much like everything else in my life right now, this is a work in progress.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Weekend Update
If you brought all the world leaders and decision makers and put them in one room, I am convinced of peace. That is if the room was where a Blue Man Group concert was held. If you have not been, you must go. We saw them first in Las Vegas in March 2000, then at the Backyard in August 2003, and now at the Frank Erwin Center in October 2006. The reason I think peace would be possible, is that, as humans, we are a bunch of sheep. We do what we are told. "Megastar Movement #3, jump up and down" - and everyone does it. We did not have the best seats, but the advantage was that we could see the people below us. And everyone was following along, just like we were. The best part was that we had our own row. Our row was only our two seats, very nice and private. The evening started with Sushi at our favorite place. OMG Spicy Susan Roll is sooooooo good. We got a great booth and enjoyed cuddling while eating food and enjoying our drinks. Due to the concert not ending until close to 10:30 on a Sunday, we decided it was best to skip the Cheesecake factory this time. We picked up ice-cream, bug, and went home. It was a great date. What makes a great date? Conversation that brings you closer, food that makes you feel indulgent, laughter filling the night, and sweet kisses that melt your knees. And quite frankly, ending the evening in bed with ice-cream and a toddler didn't reduce the greatness at all.
Friday night was a change from the norm. BestFriend, her husband, and Sam came over to celebrate BF's DH's b-day. At 9:30 BF and I went to Kerby Lane and joined MotoDiva and IronDiva for dinner. It was very nice. That silly IronDiva, she makes me want to walk again. I am thinking of doing the Austin Half Marathon in Feb. We shall see, I also hope to sit for a portion of the CPA around that time. Too much to do and too little time.
Saturday was the laziest of days. OMG we have not had a day like this in quite some time. In spite of the boys not finishing their games until 3:30am, we got up at 8 (not too hard when there is no alcohol involved) and started our day. We ate breakfast, watched TV, played, read, checked email, snuggled, and all in our PJs. I then made grilled cheese (Sweetie's all time favorite) for lunch. Love the play by play don't you? Well, it is important. We napped for 2.5 hours after lunch. When we woke up we knew it was finally time to get dressed and "start" our day. We went and checked on Sweetie's grandpa and made him dinner - Bug feel asleep so she and I waited in the car. We went to B&N - had to buy the last book for Unfortunate Events, and ended at the store buying fixin's for dinner. A really great day. The only down side was that I pulled a muscle in my back and was in a lot of pain during the evening. I even took one of my pain killers that I got for my c-section. Not fun. But it did not ruin the day.
The best part of Saturday? While I was with Bug in the car, I had the windows open and the radio playing. I don't remember what song was playing, but I was singing along - as always. Then the most amazing thing happened. As you read this, keep in mind that I am VERY into signs. I had a lady bug fly in from the passenger window and land on the dash board. This was a very large and healthy lady bug. I watch it and as it crawls it falls onto its back. I gently touch its legs and it clings to me. I take it out of the car, make my wish, and it flies off, on its own with a very strong flight. I must have looked like a giddy school girl.
It was a great weekend. Now back at work. Sweetie is trying to figure out a day that we can both take off for an "us" day. That sounds wonderful. Oh and in other random news, I have not bitten my nails in over a week. Today marks day 8. This is my worst habit, and it has not been easy. But yesterday I gave myself a French manicure. Hopefully, it will make me want to keep them pretty.
Now the planning for my b-day gets into full force. I want to exercise at least 30 minutes a day, five times a week until the day. I also would love for us to finish our bed room, paint, curtains, and that kind of thing. My dream is to get the flooring that we want installed. I wonder how long the professionals take. It might be worth the cost.
OK I need to do some actual work today, lol.
Friday night was a change from the norm. BestFriend, her husband, and Sam came over to celebrate BF's DH's b-day. At 9:30 BF and I went to Kerby Lane and joined MotoDiva and IronDiva for dinner. It was very nice. That silly IronDiva, she makes me want to walk again. I am thinking of doing the Austin Half Marathon in Feb. We shall see, I also hope to sit for a portion of the CPA around that time. Too much to do and too little time.
Saturday was the laziest of days. OMG we have not had a day like this in quite some time. In spite of the boys not finishing their games until 3:30am, we got up at 8 (not too hard when there is no alcohol involved) and started our day. We ate breakfast, watched TV, played, read, checked email, snuggled, and all in our PJs. I then made grilled cheese (Sweetie's all time favorite) for lunch. Love the play by play don't you? Well, it is important. We napped for 2.5 hours after lunch. When we woke up we knew it was finally time to get dressed and "start" our day. We went and checked on Sweetie's grandpa and made him dinner - Bug feel asleep so she and I waited in the car. We went to B&N - had to buy the last book for Unfortunate Events, and ended at the store buying fixin's for dinner. A really great day. The only down side was that I pulled a muscle in my back and was in a lot of pain during the evening. I even took one of my pain killers that I got for my c-section. Not fun. But it did not ruin the day.
The best part of Saturday? While I was with Bug in the car, I had the windows open and the radio playing. I don't remember what song was playing, but I was singing along - as always. Then the most amazing thing happened. As you read this, keep in mind that I am VERY into signs. I had a lady bug fly in from the passenger window and land on the dash board. This was a very large and healthy lady bug. I watch it and as it crawls it falls onto its back. I gently touch its legs and it clings to me. I take it out of the car, make my wish, and it flies off, on its own with a very strong flight. I must have looked like a giddy school girl.
It was a great weekend. Now back at work. Sweetie is trying to figure out a day that we can both take off for an "us" day. That sounds wonderful. Oh and in other random news, I have not bitten my nails in over a week. Today marks day 8. This is my worst habit, and it has not been easy. But yesterday I gave myself a French manicure. Hopefully, it will make me want to keep them pretty.
Now the planning for my b-day gets into full force. I want to exercise at least 30 minutes a day, five times a week until the day. I also would love for us to finish our bed room, paint, curtains, and that kind of thing. My dream is to get the flooring that we want installed. I wonder how long the professionals take. It might be worth the cost.
OK I need to do some actual work today, lol.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Congratulations
Congratulations to my SIL and now, officially, soon to be BIL. He asked the question, and she said yes. We are very happy and Bug and I danced and danced when we heard the news.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Feeling Better
As of 3:00pm Bug is feeling better. YAY. She is eating and drinking and smiling and laughing and talking and running around. After a final nap she is even kissing. Yay!!!
Home With a Bug
Yesterday I had to leave work early to pick up a Bug. She had a low grade fever and didn't feel well. By the time I picked her up her fever was gone and I was convinced that it was an elaborate plan to be able to go home and snuggle with mommy during the rain.
She was feeling good until about 6pm yesterday. At that point she threw up a couple of times. The past has proven that she is normally better after getting it out of her system. So we thought she was better. She slept with us last night and she threw up several more times during the night. She and I were in the shower at 12:50am. Poor bug. So I am home with her. She is in my arms sleeping. She needs her mommy. Nothing makes me feel more like an adult, and human, than having a child sick and not knowing what to do. Sleep is good though. I may blog several times today as I am at her mercy for movement. Luckily I have my computer, lol.
Last night was yet another reminder of what a great team Sweetie and I make. We are the kind of parents who are both "in it". I love that. I love that while I was cleaning Bug he was changing the sheets. I love that we both were worried about her. I love that he is coming home for lunch because he wants to be close to us. There is no other man that I would want beside me in this challenge called parenthood.
In spite of my sick Bug, today is a good day!
She was feeling good until about 6pm yesterday. At that point she threw up a couple of times. The past has proven that she is normally better after getting it out of her system. So we thought she was better. She slept with us last night and she threw up several more times during the night. She and I were in the shower at 12:50am. Poor bug. So I am home with her. She is in my arms sleeping. She needs her mommy. Nothing makes me feel more like an adult, and human, than having a child sick and not knowing what to do. Sleep is good though. I may blog several times today as I am at her mercy for movement. Luckily I have my computer, lol.
Last night was yet another reminder of what a great team Sweetie and I make. We are the kind of parents who are both "in it". I love that. I love that while I was cleaning Bug he was changing the sheets. I love that we both were worried about her. I love that he is coming home for lunch because he wants to be close to us. There is no other man that I would want beside me in this challenge called parenthood.
In spite of my sick Bug, today is a good day!
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Life as a House
Tonight Sweetie and I watched "Life as a House". Such a good movie. I highly recommend it. I love Kevin Kline
If you are looking for a good cry, this is your movie. Sweetie and I both were full on crying at the end. That is one thing I love about this man, he feels comfortable enough to cry around me.
Today was very rainy. I loved it.
It is late. I would post more but my eyes are tired and I need to feel Sweetie's arms around me.
If you are looking for a good cry, this is your movie. Sweetie and I both were full on crying at the end. That is one thing I love about this man, he feels comfortable enough to cry around me.
Today was very rainy. I loved it.
It is late. I would post more but my eyes are tired and I need to feel Sweetie's arms around me.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Friday, October 06, 2006
Hello Happiness, I've missed you
Today is a very good mental health day, very good. Not sure why. Lunch turned into me driving for an hour and getting nothing done. Our mechanic, the one we trust and love. The only one we trusted our cars with, the only one who has seen my car, is no longer there. They said they fired him and back tracked when we said that was why we went there, very strange.
Last night was a great dinner with HowieMaui, a thank you for taking care of her pets this past weekend. It was very nice and yummy - but sorry it made you sick. And then today a great conversation with BestFriend reminded me that I am so very lucky with my friends.
Life is good.
Today I feel like the depression is somewhere else for a little while. I hope I don't jinx myself. I also have some of my b-day planned. Friday night is looking like the night with my friends. Not sure where, but I want Friday with the whole tribe, Saturday with Sweetie, and Sunday with my family.
So if you are a friend keep the 10th open, if you are family keep the 12th open.
I am just smiling today. That is a nice change.
I think the biggest thing is that I realized that I am the only one who can get me out of this. I am the one in charge of my feelings; I am the one in control. And I sure do like control. Control and attention - see what neat things books teach me. But anyways, this is my life. I cannot let anyone or anything take away my happiness. It is not fair to me. So I am pulling myself out.
I know I will feel sad from time to time. And I know that is ok. I know that my chemicals like to have some fun, and they can, as long as they don’t go too far. One day - that is all. Then I have to pull myself out again. My life is far from perfect. But I have a great family, wonderful friends, a nice job, and a husband that I am falling in love with all over again. I am lucky.
This weekend is nothing planned. I love it. We are going to veg and enjoy each other. We may start on some projects, we may not. I just want some good time with my Sweetie and Bug.
This weekend will also be about eating healthier and drinking all my water. Weekends are always hard for both of these.
Happiness is good. Even with allergies, it is good.
Last night was a great dinner with HowieMaui, a thank you for taking care of her pets this past weekend. It was very nice and yummy - but sorry it made you sick. And then today a great conversation with BestFriend reminded me that I am so very lucky with my friends.
Life is good.
Today I feel like the depression is somewhere else for a little while. I hope I don't jinx myself. I also have some of my b-day planned. Friday night is looking like the night with my friends. Not sure where, but I want Friday with the whole tribe, Saturday with Sweetie, and Sunday with my family.
So if you are a friend keep the 10th open, if you are family keep the 12th open.
I am just smiling today. That is a nice change.
I think the biggest thing is that I realized that I am the only one who can get me out of this. I am the one in charge of my feelings; I am the one in control. And I sure do like control. Control and attention - see what neat things books teach me. But anyways, this is my life. I cannot let anyone or anything take away my happiness. It is not fair to me. So I am pulling myself out.
I know I will feel sad from time to time. And I know that is ok. I know that my chemicals like to have some fun, and they can, as long as they don’t go too far. One day - that is all. Then I have to pull myself out again. My life is far from perfect. But I have a great family, wonderful friends, a nice job, and a husband that I am falling in love with all over again. I am lucky.
This weekend is nothing planned. I love it. We are going to veg and enjoy each other. We may start on some projects, we may not. I just want some good time with my Sweetie and Bug.
This weekend will also be about eating healthier and drinking all my water. Weekends are always hard for both of these.
Happiness is good. Even with allergies, it is good.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Sweetie felt left out
First, a heartfelt goodbye to Rev George Wilson. You are truly loved and will be missed. Please tell Daddy I said hi. Now you can continue to be the spiritual advisor that he respected and needed.
Sweetie needed to add what he loves about me. But first I need to add two more to mine: "where the hell are we?" and "crossover".
Now for 50 things about me. He made sure to use original ones, no repeats from my list.
1. her smile 2. her giggle 3. her dimples 4. she's small
5. she has a great ass 6. i love her reactions to my scaring her
7. NanKing 8. she has great financial skills 9. the way she pouts
10. missyisms 11. her compassion for animals
12. her photography (takes such striking images)
13. she is the best mother 14. toe-pick 15. forgiveness 16. so smart
17. I smile whenever I see her 18. Serif 19. mouse
20. her first rollercoaster ride 21. we agree on how to raise a family
22. Some of my best ideas came from her 23. Missy Mess
24. After winning my first Addy, she got me a PS2
25. How every thing I see in Serif came from her
26. She makes me want to be a man worthy of being a husband
27. Westwood cup 28. Speed and/or Go Fish
29. no one knows me more than she does 30. she is unbearably cute
31. "It's not far." - Orlando 32. "It's not far." - Las Vegas
33. "We're going straight!"
34. Her relentless desire to have me watch horror-movies
35. putting up with my obsessive behaviors 36. tickle fights
37. her nervous/anxious laugh 38. her love of that silly ol bear
39. doing laundry 40. neck strike 41. Wilderness Lodge 42. "Ice Cream"
43. the way she holds pencils, spoons, forks, etc.
44. her willingness to do just about anything to "spice things up"
45. cruise ship hot tubs
46. her childlike enthusiasm for anything FisherPrice
47. her ability to do marathons
48. supporting me while I was but a lowly waiter
49. her perseverance 50. everything about her
Sweetie needed to add what he loves about me. But first I need to add two more to mine: "where the hell are we?" and "crossover".
Now for 50 things about me. He made sure to use original ones, no repeats from my list.
1. her smile 2. her giggle 3. her dimples 4. she's small
5. she has a great ass 6. i love her reactions to my scaring her
7. NanKing 8. she has great financial skills 9. the way she pouts
10. missyisms 11. her compassion for animals
12. her photography (takes such striking images)
13. she is the best mother 14. toe-pick 15. forgiveness 16. so smart
17. I smile whenever I see her 18. Serif 19. mouse
20. her first rollercoaster ride 21. we agree on how to raise a family
22. Some of my best ideas came from her 23. Missy Mess
24. After winning my first Addy, she got me a PS2
25. How every thing I see in Serif came from her
26. She makes me want to be a man worthy of being a husband
27. Westwood cup 28. Speed and/or Go Fish
29. no one knows me more than she does 30. she is unbearably cute
31. "It's not far." - Orlando 32. "It's not far." - Las Vegas
33. "We're going straight!"
34. Her relentless desire to have me watch horror-movies
35. putting up with my obsessive behaviors 36. tickle fights
37. her nervous/anxious laugh 38. her love of that silly ol bear
39. doing laundry 40. neck strike 41. Wilderness Lodge 42. "Ice Cream"
43. the way she holds pencils, spoons, forks, etc.
44. her willingness to do just about anything to "spice things up"
45. cruise ship hot tubs
46. her childlike enthusiasm for anything FisherPrice
47. her ability to do marathons
48. supporting me while I was but a lowly waiter
49. her perseverance 50. everything about her
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Reasons Why
First, I got out of a ticket today. Inspection overdue by THREE months.
I got a warning. It pays to be this cute.
Following Random and Odd's "40 reasons he loves me", I am joining the group.
50 reasons why I love my Sweetie:
1. His laugh 2. Squished 3. Toe squeezes 4. Love-ums 5. mostester
6. mexico rocks 7. She's little and she's real 8. hugs
9. how we fit together 10. fucked up movies
11. finishing each other's sentences 12. calling each other in our minds
13. stupid tv 14. walks at night 15. our daughter 16. nose sex
17. his tears when he thinks he is going to lose me
18. his tears when he found out about Serif
19. holding hands 20. putting himself in awkward situations to save us
21. makes me laugh 22. he is as sentimental as I am 23. back rubs
24. princess pregnancy 25. I feel safe with him like no one else
26. saving kittens 27. proper burials 28. poetry 29. his senses
30. I still get butterflies in my stomach, even after 14 years
31. so very creative and talented 32. gorgeous body
33. his patience with my depression 34. reading to me
35. handmade cards
36. we are on the same page with politics and religion
37. cheesecake factory 38. Hayao Miyazaki movies 39. breakfasts
40. stolen soup/veggies - we did not steal them, no one did actually
41. jumping up and down in the living room when we bought our house
42. receiving a letter from him as I was getting dressed before our wedding - not a dry eye in the room
43. his support through 2 degrees and with studying for the CPA
44. his desire to become a better man
45. the way he is with Serif. he is the best father
46. his crazy boy side, flipping and such
47. his way to calm me when I freak out before every event
48. his relentless desire to scare me 49. split
50. meeting me on the course of my 2nd half marathon to walk me to the end
I got a warning. It pays to be this cute.
Following Random and Odd's "40 reasons he loves me", I am joining the group.
50 reasons why I love my Sweetie:
1. His laugh 2. Squished 3. Toe squeezes 4. Love-ums 5. mostester
6. mexico rocks 7. She's little and she's real 8. hugs
9. how we fit together 10. fucked up movies
11. finishing each other's sentences 12. calling each other in our minds
13. stupid tv 14. walks at night 15. our daughter 16. nose sex
17. his tears when he thinks he is going to lose me
18. his tears when he found out about Serif
19. holding hands 20. putting himself in awkward situations to save us
21. makes me laugh 22. he is as sentimental as I am 23. back rubs
24. princess pregnancy 25. I feel safe with him like no one else
26. saving kittens 27. proper burials 28. poetry 29. his senses
30. I still get butterflies in my stomach, even after 14 years
31. so very creative and talented 32. gorgeous body
33. his patience with my depression 34. reading to me
35. handmade cards
36. we are on the same page with politics and religion
37. cheesecake factory 38. Hayao Miyazaki movies 39. breakfasts
40. stolen soup/veggies - we did not steal them, no one did actually
41. jumping up and down in the living room when we bought our house
42. receiving a letter from him as I was getting dressed before our wedding - not a dry eye in the room
43. his support through 2 degrees and with studying for the CPA
44. his desire to become a better man
45. the way he is with Serif. he is the best father
46. his crazy boy side, flipping and such
47. his way to calm me when I freak out before every event
48. his relentless desire to scare me 49. split
50. meeting me on the course of my 2nd half marathon to walk me to the end
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Choosing to be happy
Today is a good day. This weekend was good too. Other than some drama on Friday night, the weekend was enjoyable with Niece's b-day party on Saturday and errands on Sunday. It was very nice. The veil of depression lifted. However, it came back down some yesterday as I was not feeling well.
But today is a good day. And that is all that matters. However, today my tummy is bothering me. I don't know if it is what I had for lunch or something else. The part that sucks is that my company brought in BBQ for lunch. It was very yummy. Honestly, all I want right now is my low fat mint chip ice cream. Mint is so nice and soothing.
I had a dream about riding a bike. that I was doing a century ride for Team in Training. Who knows, maybe that is my next step? Only problem is the cost of a bike. And I would love for Sweetie and me to do it together. But normally my dreams are running dreams, and this one was biking, so I wonder what it means.
I am tired again today. I thought I slept good last night too. I hate being tired.
I am happy at work so far. That is a good thing. But today I truly am counting the minutes until I go and get Bug. I just want to take a nap with her. I know we will regret it at 11 when she is still awake, but it sounds divine right now.
Tomorrow is counseling session #3. After this one we have to decide if we are staying with the same guy, if we like him and if he takes our insurance, or if we are going elsewhere for our brain massages. The good news is that we are still working away on the books that we have. I feel like I am getting closer to knowing the true me, my authentic self.
I know it sounds lame. But so far I have gotten a lot out of these books. I am a firm believer in educating yourself. That is prob why I have more self help and exercise books than most libraries, ok not that bad, but many. I feel that I am always on the search for more knowledge about myself, more insight into what I do and how I react. I love psychology. I love looking at situations and seeing signs, known or unknown to those involved at the time.
Sweetie and I want to start a hobby or join a group together. Where do you find ideas for this kind of thing? We are not sure what we want to do; we just know that we want to do it together.
At my last job there was a woman I liked greatly. She is one I miss a lot. On her corkboard she had this saying "It is better to learn to love what you have than to yearn for what might have been".
I think this saying has some good points. While some see it as settling, I see it as keeping your reality in tact. It is easy to get lost in the stars, the past, or many other things that are not reality.
Today I am choosing to be happy. Today I am choosing to be grateful for everything that I have. Today is my choice.
But today is a good day. And that is all that matters. However, today my tummy is bothering me. I don't know if it is what I had for lunch or something else. The part that sucks is that my company brought in BBQ for lunch. It was very yummy. Honestly, all I want right now is my low fat mint chip ice cream. Mint is so nice and soothing.
I had a dream about riding a bike. that I was doing a century ride for Team in Training. Who knows, maybe that is my next step? Only problem is the cost of a bike. And I would love for Sweetie and me to do it together. But normally my dreams are running dreams, and this one was biking, so I wonder what it means.
I am tired again today. I thought I slept good last night too. I hate being tired.
I am happy at work so far. That is a good thing. But today I truly am counting the minutes until I go and get Bug. I just want to take a nap with her. I know we will regret it at 11 when she is still awake, but it sounds divine right now.
Tomorrow is counseling session #3. After this one we have to decide if we are staying with the same guy, if we like him and if he takes our insurance, or if we are going elsewhere for our brain massages. The good news is that we are still working away on the books that we have. I feel like I am getting closer to knowing the true me, my authentic self.
I know it sounds lame. But so far I have gotten a lot out of these books. I am a firm believer in educating yourself. That is prob why I have more self help and exercise books than most libraries, ok not that bad, but many. I feel that I am always on the search for more knowledge about myself, more insight into what I do and how I react. I love psychology. I love looking at situations and seeing signs, known or unknown to those involved at the time.
Sweetie and I want to start a hobby or join a group together. Where do you find ideas for this kind of thing? We are not sure what we want to do; we just know that we want to do it together.
At my last job there was a woman I liked greatly. She is one I miss a lot. On her corkboard she had this saying "It is better to learn to love what you have than to yearn for what might have been".
I think this saying has some good points. While some see it as settling, I see it as keeping your reality in tact. It is easy to get lost in the stars, the past, or many other things that are not reality.
Today I am choosing to be happy. Today I am choosing to be grateful for everything that I have. Today is my choice.
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