peace

Yesterday was a great family day. We had lunch with MIL, we picked up Sweetie's packet, and we shopped. The day ended watching a movie and playing. An overwhelming sense of peace came over me. I feel great. And other than pain associated with the D&C, I have felt healthy since Thursday. I know something was wrong. My thyroid feels normal again, I feel healthy again. From the beginning I had this feeling that something was wrong. I discounted this feeling. I guess there was something to it. I was feeling sick. More sick than just morning sickness. I didn't fully realize it until I felt normal again. Something was terribly wrong and my body was trying to tell me.

Not that the sadness is gone yet. But the peace helps. Movement helps, distractions help. BestFriend wanted to get nails done today. I was all for it. That is until I found myself sitting at Mom's doing nothing. Doing nothing isn't good. My heart sank, the sadness returned. Doing nothing isn't an option yet. I hope she understands. I still want to see her, if she will have me, I just have to keep moving. The goal is to work through it a little at a time so that I can get through the whole process.

That and my Bug. She makes it ALL better. She hugs and kisses and makes me laugh so very much. Oh how I adore that three year old.

Tomorrow starts walking again and studying. My camera has seen better days and even with everything Sweetie is sticking to the whole "pass the CMA and get a new camera" plan. He knows how to distract me.

But the peace, it is helping.

it is early

I know I have been blogging a lot. It is helping me. It is early and my family sleeps. I am still so tired, but cannot stay asleep. I am watching the birds on the feeder outside my window. Sweetie put it in the perfect spot.

I have no idea what we are doing today, or even this weekend. I want to do a project with the house. I also want to buy something I normally wouldn't. Sweetie and I had a discussion about this and realized we have a hard time coming up with items to purchase, lol. I know we are going to packet pick up today for Sweetie as he has a race tomorrow. We were supposed to go to a b-day party tomorrow, but I am not up for it. I hope my friends understand. I just can't do a celebration yet, it seems so wrong.

OK there is a pigeon/dove type of bird on the bird feeder. He cannot figure out how to get to the food. It is so funny. He is standing on the roof and walking down and trying to reach it. He is not understanding that he can stand on the side. It is downright funny. Other kind of birds are even coming up and using the side but he isn't catching on.

I will check in again soon.

antsy

It is almost time for bed. I am tired. I want to get out of the house tomorrow, that is for sure. I am numb. I am also so shocked to hear of so many friends who have been through this. That means a lot.

I am so lucky to have Bug and Sweetie. They are my everything.

Sweetie's work sent flowering plant. I love it. I hope we can keep it alive. It was the nicest surprise.

Checking in

First, I want to say a huge THANK YOU to BestFriend. You know you have a great friend when they do everything right and still worry that they didn't do enough.

I am doing ok. Sweetie and Mom were off from work yesterday and took care of me. Bug took the best care of me. She kept snuggling me and saying how she was making me better. That combined with many random "I love you" and hugs and I was reminded how lucky I truly am.

I am coping with the physical pain, mourning the loss, and focusing on the future. Sweetie and I are very sad, that isn't a lie. The worst part of this, and the part that will forever stay in my mind is hearing his voice when I called him from the Dr. Nothing gets to me more than hearing him cry.

Sweetie took Bug to get her hair cut yesterday. He wanted some time one on one with her and wanted to let me get a little rest. While he was gone he set me a surprise. He said I would find it in the morning. This morning I found that he got a humming bird feeder to put on the living room window. It is perfect. And already I have seen many little birds coming to feed. So beautiful. He also took my bird feeder and moved it to where squirrels can't get to it. He placed it in the back yard where I can see it while lying in bed. We have a tiny backyard. But one of my favorite things is to lie in bed watching the outside. He is very smart and knows me so well.

Yesterday I was pretty much medicated the entire day. Not out of it or anything, just sleepy. Thank goodness for Mom. She took care of Sweetie and Bug, while Sweetie and Bug took care of me. It was very calming to be at my childhood home, able to nap when needed, and have Mom feed me. It helped so much.

I kept Bug home today as well. I need her around me. She reminds me that life isn't over. She reminds me that something must have been wrong as she came from me and she is perfection. We went to Target pretty early. I wanted out of the house and cats needed food. I did take another pain pill before I left as I was feeling some discomfort. At Target I felt very hot and got sick. That wasn't fun. We finished our shopping and headed home. I am ok. I am just reminded that I am not bouncing back as quickly as I think I should. There is a 10k on Sunday and I was even considering doing it. After this morning, I know that is not a good idea. The good news is that I found a super cool crockpot. It is a nice distraction for me.

Sweetie is only working a half day today. I am so happy he is going through the mourning process as well. I know that too many guys don't and the emotions can build inside. We are just doing what we do, clinging to each other.

Sweetie and I decided being healthy is our focus now. I am hoping to start back at my walking next week, at a very slow pace.

SIL and I alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve every year. This year she has Thanksgiving and I have Christmas Eve. This means we get to do the Turkey Trot.

I truly appreciate the calls and emails. Thank you. I will be out of my hole soon enough. But, for now, I am in family mode. Thank you for understanding.

Now I am off to rest some more.

Erin hacking the blog again

You can delete this when you read it M, but I wanted the world to see
1. How grateful I am that you're in my life
2. How sorry I am that I am a dunce friend who doesn't know the right thing to do

So, world out there, here goes:

Last night I head to Daisymouse's mom's house to visit with my friend whom I have been so desperate to see because I needed to see with my own eyes that she was ok. I entered the house, Mr. Daisymouse answers the door and I go in. She was on the couch watching Bug. Her sadness was so deep and so substantial you could actually physically feel the pain of it on your skin when you entered the house. But strong as she is, she was moving and talking and being thoughtful of other people.

We had plans to go out to eat. During my time with them, she tried to speak to me about the miscarriage a couple times. I should have queried her, asked her about things, listened to her talk it out, but I was so desperate to not see her hurt anymore, I couldn't make my brain talk about it. I talked about everything and anything else like a moron. I wanted to see her smile again and be distracted by mundane things.

As soon as I left I berated myself for being so emotionally inept. Got home and sent her a flurry of txt messages apologizing, telling her how much I love her and how important she is to me. I hope she understands and forgives me.

To Daisymouse,
1. You are my rent-a-kid-sister and best friend and I will do anything for you, go anywhere at any time, and I wish to God there was something I could do or say to take some of the pain away
2. I will never be one of those people who, albeit with good motives, try to make it better by saying they know how you feel. I am aware that this pain you are going through is a pain unique to you in all the world in all time, but I promise to be there to listen and from now on, I won't try to hide behind mundane topics because I'm scared of you being hurt
3. I will never shrug it off saying there's always another or there's always Bug, because I know this was a separate person and the pain can not be replaced by substituting anything else in its place
4. I know you are at the beginning of a journey that you will walk alone, but please please please come back to us when you're ready. We need you so much. You're my family. My role model. My best friend. And in total honesty, my favorite person in all the world. You are so beautiful and without a doubt beloved by this world and by me.

:(

D&C complete

Last night MIL, SIL, BIL, Niece, and Mom hung out with me. It was good to be surrounded by family. Mom took bug home with her as I had to be at the hospital at 6 in the morning. It was good as I cried my eyes out. This morning I took a nice shower where I cried some more. It was strange to cry so much when I felt so numb.

Sweetie has been awesome. We quickly went into couple mode. We aren't like everyone else. We are the type to laugh at a funeral. We laughed 99% of the time we waited for the procedure. It is how we roll. That is why I keep him around, he can make me laugh at the hardest times.

The procedure itself was not bad. I went to sleep and then they woke me. I didn't even know anything had been done. Now I am in some pain, but nothing horrible. I am at Mom's so she can take care of me. Sweetie is with me but did mention he might go into work when I am sleeping, to distract himself. I don't blame him.

I am doing good. I am feeling the emotions, but have a very healthy sense of everything. I am not giving up on giving Bug a baby brother/sister.

I hate to cut this short, but my vicodin is kicking in and I need a nap in a bad way. THANK YOU for all the emails, comments, calls. I know how loved I am. I am truly grateful.

Not meant to be

The appointment didn't bring the good news I was hoping. The baby measured at 9 weeks. As I should have been 11 weeks, I knew the situation right then. He searched for heartbeat. There wasn't one to be found. I lost the baby. I go in for the D&C tomorrow. I am off from work for the remainder of the week.

Currently I am surrounded by family. Sweetie, Mom, MIL, and SIL are here to support me. I am beyond words.

Dr said we can start trying again after my next period. I don't think we will be ready by then but it was good to hear. He also said due to it being this late and how it is happening that it was a genetic issue and not meant to be. It is easy to say that, but it still hurts.

I am off to find a stiff drink. I think it is ok to be hung over for the D&C, right? I guess I have to start exercising and eating right.

Dr appt

OK so no signs of anything tragic, but I have an unexpected Dr appt this morning. I called the nurse and sure enough they are squeezing me in. Please send prayers, good thoughts, anything you do. I am sure everything is fine, but I am getting checked out. The nurse thinks I just need my RH shot. I will keep everyone updated. As I say, this isn't an ER trip or anything. And sorry to be vague. I will feel better after the appt.

Then I get to get Bug for her routine ENT appt. This makes for a short day. I better log in from home so I don't have to use PTO.

Crazy day.

thank goodness it is over

Yesterday evening we received a great downpour. In many ways it was surreal. You see we were at Moms and the neighbor kids, when it was only sprinkling, were outside playing in the water running down the road.
Bug saw this and wanted to go out and play. Once we got outside, the big kids were in front of their house. Bug wanted to play with them. I said sure. She started off to the other house like there was no second thought. I convinced her to wait until we asked if it was ok. These are, after all, kids around 7-12 or so.
The middle boy that was playing outside came over and asked if she wanted to play with them. I loved it. Not only that he said her name correctly. He asked his brother and sister if she could play and they agreed. He stuck with her and planned with her so awesomely. He is 9 and so mature and patient. Bug said she loves him. That got Sweetie sighing.
So onto the surreal part. I always played in this same spot with the water coming down the street. My most memorable one was during the flood of 1981. I was four and had the BEST time with the water up to my knees. So I was walking to the corner with bug with our feet in the water. The water puddles up in the same spot. And in spite of the road being redone over the last 28 years, this one spot where it puddles, looks exactly the same as when I was three. It was a lot of fun.

Now to my title. Before we went outside I felt a headache coming on. I took medicine and went out to play. I came back in and it was worse. It had me in tears. Sweetie got me food, hoping it would help. Nothing helped. It was a tension headache worse than a migraine. I couldn't lay my head down without pain. I almost went to the ER. It was so bad that I slept on the couch. I don't know how late it was that I finally fell asleep, but I did. Headache gone for the most part. Now I pray it doesn't get any worse.

Cupcakes

I love cupcakes. Bug does as well. I mean, why not? They are portion controlled, cute, fun, and remind me of being a kid. We went to the mall tonight with BestFriend. Sweetie craved Frulatti, BestFriend needed to hang, and I was on a hunt for a crock pot (got it narrowed down to two).

After our fun BestFriend said she needed to get bubble tea before leaving, we went to a part of the mall that I hardly go to. I realized quickly that the chocolate store across from where BestFriend was ordering her bubbleness was no longer there. I didn't frequent the chocolate store as I am a Lammes Girl. But they did have great caramel apples, so I paid attention. Yes, that is a lot for me these days.

Anyway, in that location is a store called Be My Cupcake. Bug and I each got a small cupcake. She got the vanilla with sprinkles and I the red velvet. The man working the counter was very friendly and nice, I loves me some customer service.

The cupcakes were great. I know there may be more gourmet cupcake shops in town, but this is close, convenient, inexpensive, and yummy. What more can you ask for? And I love the size of the small cupcakes. If this baby keeps craving cake, this may be my savior. I can have a yummy cupcake without driving all over or baking a dozen. Woo Hoo.

We arrived at close to 9:00, closing time, so they were very picked over. This did not upset me as they make the cupcakes fresh every day. The two we had were very moist and yummy. Bug could only eat half of hers so I was able to taste both. I cannot wait to go back and try the pumpkin.

A little funny

The other night Bug and Sweetie were playing in the kitchen. I listened happily in the living room and overhear the following conversation:

Bug: Terry come here
Sweetie: My name is daddy
Bug: Terry come here
Sweetie: What is my name?
Bug: Terry
Sweetie: No, my name is daddy. What is my name?
Bug: Terry
By this time she is cracking up. She knows this drives him crazy. I had to add my part.
Me: Bug, what is my name?
Bug runs into the living room and smiles and says: Mommy
Sweetie: What is my name?
Bug: Terry.....Daddy
She then had him be a horse and rode him around the house laughing. It was too funny. She can already tell how to give him a hard time. There is no hope for him.

She hasn't seen Animaniacs so I have to blame this on Simpsons.

emotions

This weekend was filled with emotions. It started on Thursday with our last dinner with Brother as a Texas resident. We helped load his trailer and said our goodbyes. He was awesome and stopped by on his way out of town on Friday. Yes, there were tears. He has been good and sending me text updates and calling. He sounds awesome and hit Canada today.

Saturday was Kait's 16th b-day. We had a good time celebrating her. She is awesome and I am so happy to be included in her b-day plans. That and Bug got to see her Doodle, she adores him so.

The good news is that it looks like I am past the worst of the morning sickness. Thank goodness. I know that some nausea will linger, but the 24 hour seems to have let up.

I know this is short. But I am so very tired and I need to get my feet up.

Today is a bullet point day.

• Throwing up nothing first thing in the morning sucks.
• Throwing up while sitting in a car in a parking lot before lunch sucks.
• Throwing up when getting back to work after lunch sucks.
• Having free ice cream day on a day like this sucks.
• I still ate the ice cream, cross fingers it stays down.
• I look cute in black with white polka dots.
• I am wearing maternity clothing. Damn it is comfortable.
• I have no focus for work today.
• Bug wants to buy clothing tonight.
• Brother leaves in two days. I hope to see him tonight and tomorrow night. I am going to miss him.
• Bug told me this morning that she needs to say good bye to him.
• I need to drink more water, I think it is time to break out the bubba keg.
• I saved a cricket today.
• I hope this nausea goes away soon. I have things to do, walking, studying, cleaning, removing everything in a computer room - so much to do and less than 30 weeks to do it.
• I cut my hair short, like how it used to be. I like it a lot. Mostly I did it so I don't notice the hair loss as much with fluctuating thyroid.

Letting go of control

That is the theme for this year. I had to let go of control of our anniversary plans and they turned out awesome. I let go of control of my health and look what has happened - yay. Not that control is bad. That isn't the point. But letting go can be a very good exercise.

So my thyroid is off. It is high (which means slow) according to my OB. But the number they gave me isn't high according to my endo (based on past experience on what range she uses) but it is for my GP. So I went to my GP and they said "oops you are pregnant, I ain't touching that". Ok they didn't say that exactly, but anyway. I called the best in town and asked for the range they use. They told me the same that my endo uses. It amazes me that my GP has the most up to date amounts and not these endos.

My Endo's nurse called me yesterday. She said that they received lab results from my OB and that I am high. YAY they believe it too!!!!

I have an appt with my Endo next month. I am to keep doing what I am doing and get my blood tested then and see where I stand. The nurse said "it seems you have flipped from hyper to hypo, it is rare but it can happen". I tried not to laugh and say "of course, I flipped from hypo to hyper in the first place". Bestfriend pointed out "anything is possible with missy".

So I had faith and I let go of control and my Endo came through after all. YAY. My focus is going to be trying to eat healthier and see where I stand. I cannot wait until this sickness is gone so I can be productive and walk again. I know that will help.

Goodbye Bosco, RIP

This morning Mom and I had to make the very hard decision to put our lab, Bosco, to sleep. It was a hard decision. He was an old dog and we simply couldn't deny it any longer. We got him when I was in high school. He is the last of the dogs that my Dad had. It feels like we are losing the last attachment to him. It simply hurts. Work is understanding. I called in and left a message that I am sure was quite nonsense sounding, I was crying too hard. Mom and I have been mourning with many tears, some shopping, and, of course, food.

Rest in peace my dear puppy, I love you!

SHHHHHH

I just got home and am feeling great. Be very very quiet, don't want baby to change this around. I feel like I could actually DO something tonight, I know crazy. Let's hope it sticks. Here's to a productive night.

... waiting his turn

Hello all! This is BFF hacking into Daisymouse's blog because I have to share the quote of the week with you.

Tonight, I got to go to dinner with Daisymouse, Mr. Daisymouse and Bug, YAY!. Bug was hyper most of dinner, so I didn't get to have much conversation with her, but we all went to their house afterwards to tour Mr. Daisymouse's new Wii game. Very piratey.

So Bug decides I'm to be her playmate, she sits me on the floor and we do various things like drink tea, play with flashlights etc., then we finally pull out the little plastic people (is there a name for them?) They had all been in a plastic people school bus which Bug tipped over, then they were on the floor. (Let us hope this doesn't lead to a fear of riding the school bus when she's older)

Bug decided four of the eight of them needed naps. "Time to go night night", she says to them, laying them gently on their bellies and putting a blanket over them. I say "night night babies" in response and pet their plastic backsides. Then Bug wakes them up. "Good morning!" I say. Then those same four have to night night again, etc.

I asked her if Santa Claus, who was in the group of four that hadn't been "put to bed" got to go to sleep as well at which point, Bug suddenly donned this very very STERN face, pointed her index finger down at the plastic toy and said very angry teacher-like:

YOU WAIT YOUR TURN SANTA CLAUS!!!

From that point on, Santa became a trouble maker. When he tipped over, knocking into another of the plastic people, he got yelled at for "hitting her friend" and Bug picked him up and put him near the front door, telling him:
BAD SANTA!!!!

I yelled out, "Santa tell your friend you're sorry". Bug said "Say you're sorry Santa" at which point Santa and the other doll kissed many times and everything was better until Santa knocked into another and got put in the corner again.

It was great fun.

Thank you Daisymouse for #1 letting me play with your kiddo, and #2 for being such a great mom that you have a kid that cool

Thyroid results

I am hypo, 4.04. YAYAYAY! Yay? Yes yay. My hair is coming out, my weight is coming on (more than it should at this point), I have been having some sadness, and I have had some brain fog. There is a reason. I am hypo again. This is normal. I wasn't hypo when I got pregnant so baby has done this, but I am so ok with it. I go back on my meds, they watch me closely, and all is well, just like last time.

AND due to my Endo not following the new guidelines for hypo, I get to go back to my GP for my medication and monitoring. That makes me even happier. I already made my appt, Friday 8:30. This makes me happy. I was normal for almost a year, at least I know it is possible.

insight

Last week Sweetie received an email from an online store he had used a few months ago notifiying him of a shipment due on his b-day. He asked if it was from me. I explained to him that if I did get him something, which I wasn't supposed to because we got him a kick ass bicycle, I would not use his user name and log in. He went online to see the details. $300 worth of star wars toys showed shipped to our address. I was already searching our accounts making sure we didn't pay for this when he said it was paid with an Amex. We do not have Amex. We hoped someone would catch the glitch. Sure enough, we get home yesterday and a very large box waited at our front door.

Now we could have been the type of people to keep the items since we didn't pay for them, let alone sign for them. But no, we are not like this. Sweetie called the company and they are sending UPS to pick them up on Thursday. The suckass thing is that the company didn't even thank Sweetie for being such a stand up guy. But I know we did right. I don't want that kind of bad karma any where near us.

So that is a little insight into us.

WE HAVE HEARTBEAT

You know it is a good sign when the dr just puts the sonogram in and says "there is most definitely a baby in there". We saw baby, we saw heartbeat. Bug was there. This time instead of holding Sweetie's hand after hearing the "healthy" comment, it was Bug's. She thought it was cool she saw babybrothersister on the computer. My Dr is awesome. I am so glad we kept with him. Bug got a sticker for being good and we were told to bring her every time. Some Dr office's aren't as kid friendly. I am very relieved. She is my little helper with everything. They took five viles of blood - including checking for thyroid. So hopefully everything is ok.  

I SAW THE HEARTBEAT!!!!! Wow this is really hitting me. OK off to celebrate Sweetie. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETIE

Happy Birthday Sweetie. I hope today is a great b-day for you. You are amazing and wonderful. I love you with all of my heart. You are the greatest father. It is with much joy that we begin this amazing journey again.

Our first appt is today. I have no reason to think anything is wrong, but I am a mess. I will be until I hear "healthy". Bug is coming with us. I hope she is up for it. She told her teacher, "we are going to the dr for mommy, he is going to make her better and look at her tummy". Too cute.

Man I love my big girl. My appt isn't until 3:30. However, I have to get Bug, get Sweetie, get there. BLAH. I just hate waiting. I want to know now. That and I think my thyroid might be off. I am showing signs of hypo. I know they will check it today. And I am not worried about it.

This weekend was awesome. Friday night was b-day celebration date night. Sushi (only California rolls for me), Dark Knight, Cheesecake factory (best strawberry shortcake). Saturday was seeing Beauty and the Beast live at Zilker. It was fun. The kids had a great time. Then yesterday was me being VERY sleepy. I took some benedryal to help allergies. OMG it put me to sleep.

OK off to see baby. Wish me luck.