Today was MIL’s b-day. I saw that the Wildflower Center had a special on frogs. So the family packed up (SIL, SIL’s boyfriend, Niece, MIL, Grandpa, Mom, Sweetie, JuneBug, and myself) and made the trek this evening.
It was exactly what my Sweetie and I expected. I cannot wait to go back. We are going to go back when the butterflies are the most abundant. I love that he and I share a love for places like this. I love that we know each other so well.
Having my Sweetie home has shown him a bit of what my life has been like for the last month. Weekends are different from weekdays. Today he got to experience the issues that I have had with pumping. He was playing his game, no a problem at all, but he got to see JuneBug get frustrated that the pump started going and then he got to see me try to console her in my lap while pumping. After witnessing the added frustration that this causes, none directly towards JuneBug – as I understand she does not understand, but in the process altogether, he suggested that it might be time to call it quits. Mom arrived after work to ride to the Wildflower center with us. She could see the frustration in my eyes and she suggested the same thing.
Now the only person I need to come to terms with is myself. I hate this. I am a great mom. I know it. Why should I let something like this make me feel like a failure? I grew up on formula and as BestFriend would say (Who was also formula) that I have a great big brain, so obviously there is nothing wrong with it. But I do feel like a failure. I knew from the beginning that I might have problems with breastfeeding; it is in my family history. But I honestly assumed that it would not be hard for me. Now it seems all I am doing is sitting and thinking that I should be pumping. And the 15 minutes is getting longer and longer. I think it is because JuneBug is awake more lately. My Sweetie is so wonderful and supportive. Bottom line is that he wants me happy.
So I have to get over this failure. My mom felt like a failure. I was able to give more breast milk to JuneBug than I received. This is a good thing. I need to focus on that. However, I feel like I “should” be able to pump what is needed. But to be honest, only being able to pump 30% of what she is eating now is very discouraging. Here lies the important decision. Once I let things dry up, it is gone. I have to get over this feeling of failure. If my Sweetie has no problem with JuneBug being on formula, then that is a big sign. I am not one of those women who carry around their pump all day long and 8 times a day stop their lives to sit and pump for 15 minutes. I just cannot seem to do that.
No decision is made yet. I have to think some more. Alas, I am going to go and pump while researching butterfly tattoos.
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