Rant

I came on to rant about my Carnaval Costume issues. Still no costume. Idiots. But I don't want to repeat everything that happened during my three hour lunch. Summary I know how credit card machines work as I have used them and skipping my to go order at a fast food place is not acceptable.

Instead, I feel like writing about something else. Me. When I was in HS I wanted to go into psychology. I wanted to help people solve their problems. Then I changed my major to Health and Fitness Management. This was a degree that had kinesology and business management. I wanted to help people get healthy. My dream was to open a gym for women only that people could work out easily and quickly. If only I had the funding at the time, I could be the owner of Curves. As they say, there are no new ideas. How did I end up with two degrees in Accounting? I really like it and I am good at it.

All of my life people have talked to me. Friends would vent to me and ask me advice. Teachers would even talk to me about their personal lives. In hindsight (hindsight is 20/20 - that is for you Sweetie) they were out of place confiding in a student like that. But that is how it is has always been. Whether I am your coworker or even your manager, I find people telling me things that I could use against them if I chose to. Bug's teachers and director confide in me. They vent to me about other teachers and other parents. This is out of line, but I listen, that is what I do. With my current friends I listen, they tell me their secrets, their challenges, their ghosts. And I listen. And I love listening, do not get me wrong.

Yesterday during my review, my boss mentioned that he is there if I need to vent and that it seems that people vent to him a lot. He already commented that I get along with anyone and have a great attitude (this is why people are surprised to hear about my depression). This is true. I was the kid in HS without a real "group", I got along well with the stoners, preps, kickers, skaters, or even the nerds. And I never thought twice about it. My boss also gets along with everyone. I told him that is why I think people vent to us. Because we get along with everyone.

My mother raised me how she was raised. You do not share your dirty laundry. This translates to the fact that I listen, but I rarely vent. I don't complain about Sweetie to my friends. I was raised not to. I only complain about things like that to Sweetie or Mom. The same goes with my depression. I try not to talk about it. I don't want to bring people down. A lot of people did not know about my depression until I started blogging about it. For some reason, this blog is my girlfriend where I can vent. So what you see here on this blog, it is me. It is my life - plain and simple.

Maybe that is why I am close to 700 posts. I feel comfortable leaving my thoughts here for the world to find. And while it is me, and I have some very deep posts, it does not phase me when I find out new people are reading my blog, like MotoDiva's Jeff or DarkDiva's Jeff. However, I know I don't vent back to my friends the way they vent to me. BestFriend and HowieMaui have brought it up. I am working in it. For some reason it is very hard for me. I love to listen, I feel that I help. I think one of the biggest problems, though it is not a problem - rather a hindrance - is that I am so comfortable telling Sweetie anything. I vent to him about girl things, work things, family things, Sweetie things - and once I vent it is pretty much gone. I don't feel like I need to vent any more. In the meantime, keep coming here and learning about me.

I think the other part of the problem is that I am an introvert. I am told all the time that I have the best attitude and am always happy. This isn't wrong. But this is why people are confused when I say I am depressed. I try to have a great outlook on life even when life serves you crap sandwiches. And while I am giggly and happy, I am an introvert. I would rather email than call, I would rather sit in my cube and work and not deal with people. I like to be in the background. If that makes sense. Most days I am very content to simply hang out at home with Sweetie and Bug. I am working on this. I am putting myself out there to new people. That is how I am working on being more of an extrovert, trying new things.

Last night I was a part of the Bitches Chat Night. These are the ladies that I know from their blogs and I will meet in April. Yes, I am going. This is a HUGE step for me, to leave town on my own (without the comfort of Sweetie, other friends, or coworkers) to meet, and party, with strangers. But I think it is important. Sweetie thinks it is important. It is funny. I feel like I know these ladies. Like I have been watching the lives of the cool girls. I don't comment on the sites I read as much as I would like, bad Missy - I know. But I do have several sites that I read on a daily basis. I feel like last night they brought me into their world, the cool girl world. And I cannot wait to meet them face to face. Thank you TBG for bringing me into the group!!! You bitches are wonderful, and cracked my shit right up.