Forgiveness, apologies, and mental growth.
Much as an alcoholic will not be able to seek help until ready, the same goes for correcting wrongs or forgiving those wrongs done unto you.
There are many things in my head today. Some are because of hormones. Some are because of the time of year. Next Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent. I plan to attend my school’s services during the day. It has been a long time since I walked around with ashes on my forehead. It takes a confidence and pride to do this. I feel this Easter season will prove rather emotional.
I am in a transitional point in my life. This pregnancy brought much reflection and contemplation about my life. Please know that I do not mean to bore you with too many details, I simply wish to discuss the process.
In AA, the eighth step in the 12-step program involves listing those who you wronged and becoming able to reach the point of making amends. I believe this, much like all of the steps, are valid goals for any individual. It takes being in a certain place in your life to complete such a task; you must be confident and have come to grips with the issues at hand. This process cannot be forced. When a person requests an apology, this is useless. A better approach would be to wait, regardless of how hard, for the true apology. Not only will it be more sincere, but will mean more than a forced response. It is much like hearing “I love you” without saying it first; it simply means more.
I also believe that a step that is as important as making amends is the ability to forgive. This can be difficult. Holding a grudge or hatred inside can be addictive. This is not healthy. It takes great inner searching and understanding to forgive. I am not speaking of contacting the person, though sometimes that helps. I mean to get to a place where you can think of the situation without hurt feelings. This takes time.
My Sweetie thinks that I am very compassionate. It is one of the reasons that he loves me so. Part of this involves my ability to forgive. While people may drive me crazy in the short term – I try to not hold any grudges. He believes that when I forgive, I do so as fully as I can, as well as quickly. My life proves this. I can forgive those who hurt me deeply. I will even continue to feel compassionate about their lives and situations.
Through this pregnancy, I have reached forgiveness on many levels, for things that happened years ago – and some more recent. As adults, we carry discontent, anger, frustration, or feelings of failed expectations. Some of these feelings stem back to our childhood. Discovering that parents are simply adults is a hard lesson to learn. My pregnancy is even more profound in this sense because I am the same age as my mom when she had me, I will even deliver in the same hospital. It gives me a completely new perspective on my childhood. When I look back now, I think of the hardships that my parents experienced. I see them as adults – no longer the super heroes with expectations of unrealistic proportions. No, this does not mean that they fell; in fact removing expectations (and associated disappointment) causes them to rise.
Whether it is forgiveness or seeking amends, it takes time. There is no set amount of time to expect either to occur, for yourself or others. However, when you reach the mental growth to accept and stop the dwelling on issues in the past, it feels wonderful. It feels like a weight removed from your chest. Really, it all boils down to life being too short to hold such negative energy inside.
I hope that the second half of my pregnancy proves to provide as much growth as the first half. The growth that I have experienced truly is a transcendence one.
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