Happy Festivus

I cannot think of today without thinking of my brother, and of course seinfeld. I miss him so much! Hopefully we will get to see him soon.

Today I am huge smiles. My babies were so awesome this morning. Not to mention that Bug bought me a Christmas present last night. I don't care what it is, though I have an idea. All that matters to me is that she thought of it. She got everyone a gift this year - and really thought about it all. She is awesome and amazing. I am so very lucky to have her.

L is awesome too, don't get me wrong, but on a much squishier and gigglier way. He is trying so hard to walk and is into everything. But one look into his blue eyes and seeing his crazy red hair, and you cannot help but smile.

I go into this Christmas holiday feeling very blessed, loved, and lucky.

One more week

Until Christmas. I cannot believe it is nearly here. We have a ton of cleaning to do and Sweetie has to help me not lose my mind. This year is so much fun with Bug, though she is catching on to Elf on a Shelf. Christmas eve is mine this year. I truly love hosting it, I missed it last year. I have a ton to do, but my gift to myself is cleaning my house. I need to get everything done so I can attack my kitchen. I want to overhaul it so I feel inclined to cook and plan meals. Then the new year will be here. My goal is to get the house super clean and consolidated. I want my room to be my sanctuary. I also need to finish my certification. Blah. It is all good - just need to get a pen to paper to make some realistic plans/commitments.

There is so much to do next year, including my L's 1st birthday!! But for now, to focus on the end of 2010.

Don't have much time

But I had to post that this has been the best weekend. Friday night was my company Christmas party and it was fun, bowling and drinking are a great combination. Today was hanging with the family at MIL's with crafts and food. YUM!!!

Tomorrow is Sweetie's first half marathon. That is 13.1 miles! I am so very proud of him. Other than that I need to clean, decorate, wrap, and shop for Christmas eve.

Sweetie and I took Wednesday off to shop and had the most most most wonderful day. Shopping for two is so much fun, add a yummy lunch where we like to tip 93% and a movie and you have the perfect day. We even stopped and took my chain in that broke - they were wonderful and replaced it free of charge. This means that I am happy to have my tree necklace back on me.

OK L is crying for a bottle so I must wrap this up.

My loves

Post Santa visit wonderful dinner. Tonight was a great family night.

sore

I am sore. But it is a good sore. It is the kind of sore that makes you actually feel stronger than before the workout that caused it. I started a new workout program on Monday and am loving it so far. I also started the yoga. On Monday I did weights, Tuesday yoga, Wed rest, Thurs weights, and today will be yoga and weights. You see I am focused. First, Darkdiva wants to photograph me in a couple of weeks - she mostly deals with painted bodies - can we say "yikes". Luckily she is very talented and I trust her. Then there is the whole anniversary goal - getting close you know. But I also have another goal. You see when I hit 20 pounds lost I went to VS and got fitted and a new bra. I promised myself this treat with each 20 pounds. I only have 6 pounds to go. And boy do I need this, my bras are way too big.

Back to the anniversary - I need to decide what to plan for this one. What do you do for 13? I have a couple of ideas of places to take the family for the long weekend. I guess it is time to get a move on as I have less than a month.

And how can I not say something about this time of year. I love it! And even with me watching my weight and exercising, I still made my bourbon balls and plan to enjoy them and cookies at Christmas Eve. Tomorrow is Bug's first try at ice-skating and then the nutcracker. We also need to finish decorating and getting lights on the house. And true to form the only music played in my car is Christmas music. Yes, I am that kind of annoying mom. Bug is enjoying it, for now. I know in the not so distant future my silliness and dancing in public will become her worst nightmare. Good thing I don't embarrass easily :-) Between L's first Christmas and Bug so very into it this year, life is good.

Yes, I will end it with that - Life IS Good!

We need a little Christmas

Thankful day 6 - L has a bad cough and low grade fever so we stayed in all day. I missed BestFriend's party and that kills me. So my thankful for today is food. And how I have been enjoying it. So happy the new WW plan comes out on Monday. But I am thankful for when I say "I want xxx" that we have the means to fill such a need. Tonight was sushi and baileys.

Thankful day 7 - I am thankful for choices. I can decide what to wear, eat, shop, work, and when I want to do things, like testing.

Today is Christmas baking - mmmm bourbon ball time. After baking we will finish our decorating - got the tree up but not decorated yesterday. Then we must do the dreaded, prepare for work/school tomorrow.

I hope everyone has had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. I know that I have. Thank you to my friends and family who make everyday a day to give Thanks.

Thankful

Thankful day 3 - I am thankful for my employment. Things may be strange now, but I do like where I work and what I am doing. There are so many out of work right now and I know that things can change at any minute, but I am Thankful.

Thankful day 4 - HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! I am thankful for the roof over my head. It may not be fancy or big, but it is mine and does the job. A cold front came in during the afternoon and I was not fully aware as I was busy cooking in my warm home.

Thankful day 5 - I am thankful for traditions. My family is dressed in comfy PJs that are new for the holiday and we prepare for our "black friday" tradition. Today we will clean the house to prepare. Tonight we will begin decorating. Every year we put the tree up on this day while watching Miracle on 34th Street. Add eggnog, pizza, and lemon bars and it will be a fun evening indeed.

Every year I love watching Christmas through Bug's eyes. Her belief and generosity amazes me. But this year I also get to watch L experience everything. He was awesome yesterday and loved showing off his movement. I can't wait to see his reaction to the tree and lights. And the weather is perfect. It is in the 40s and I love it.

I really need to upload the photos, the kids were very cute. I even got some cute pics of the cousins together - something I love as I did not have this - not having cousins and all.

Sweetie is out finding breakfast for us now. Our favorite small donut shop is closed so I have no idea what he is coming back with.

On the food front, I have not been counting. A new plan comes out on Sunday and I am excited to see the changes. Sweetie is excited about it too. So I have to admit some, going off plan until the new one comes, lol. I am also venturing out and trying something scary and new. If my shoulder allows, I am going to hot yoga tomorrow. I hope I get to go. It is scary and thinking of hot yoga just makes me thirsty, lol. But a good deal came along and I had to take it. Actually I took two, one to try further into town and one in cedar park. Sweetie hopes it will help with my stress and help me to feel empowered. I will report in and let you know how it goes.

Thankful Day Two

I am thankful for my health. Regardless of my autoimmune issues - hypo-thyroid and sjogrens - I am healthy.

• I am thankful for being healthy.
• for the ability to get out of bed in the morning
  
• being able to walk - both for movement and exercise (even if I can't run yet)
  
• the ability to take in a deep breath
  
• most importantly the ability to see and hear my children.

I went in for my routine thyroid testing today. This is a nice reminder of the health that I do have.

MY BOY

Thankful Day One

The number one thing that people say they are thankful for is family. I have to agree, I am thankful for my family. But there is more to it.

• I am thankful to be as close to my mom as I am. She is one of my best friends and I thank God everyday that I still have her in my life. She treats me like an adult and welcomes my opinions.
  
• I am thankful for husband. Sweetie may not be perfect, but he never stops trying to improve and treat me like a princess. Truth be told, he does more housework and cooking than I do. He supports me, encourages me, loves me, and makes me laugh. Every day he makes me laugh.
  
• I am thankful for my kids. I know those who cannot have kids and understand how blessed I am. I love that my Bug makes me laugh and we can be silly together. I love that L is all boy and has an innocent invincible quality that I cannot get enough of. And they both are snugglers, damn I love that.
• I am thankful for my in-laws. They are more like family than in-laws. They love me in good and bad. When I am being narrow minded and bitchy they don't disown me. I look forward to new traditions with them - including going shopping on Black Friday.
• I am thankful for my Brother - we may be separated by distance, but I still love him deeply and look forward to when we can sit and chat once again.

This Thanksgiving week begins with just that, family. Time for some snuggles and going to bed early as my shoulder is hurting and I have already taken some meds :-) Night Night All!

• 
  

life is good

The below was written on Thursday night but never posted - funny how chasing two kids can distract you from finishing a thought.

******************************************
I am happy. Sitting with my babies while drinking mint hot chocolate. Even the massive amount of soreness that I am feeling from my workout yesterday is ok.

I have lunch with Bug tomorrow for Thanksgiving. Gonna be a wonderful time.
And a big family weekend planned for this weekend.

Oh and I have to brag. Sweetie set up my car to have its oil changed. He set it up at 7:00am. Yikes. But he took care of it all. After going to sleep last night, he cleaned the car which also involved hiding what I bought for the kids so far. Then this morning he work up early to take the car in. When he came to kiss me good night he said "the boy is sorted" - this is code for ready. He cleaned and made all L's bottles and took the trash out.
******************************************
Ok back to the current, lol. We came home from our family weekend today. It was really a good time. Yes, it was cold on Friday, but we survived. Makes me think if we moved to a colder climate that we might do well :-) We used the tent I got Sweetie for father's day and it was very nice. And the first night was the only one that was really cold. But we doubled up L's clothes and he was awesome. The Ren Fair was a lot of fun and the time with the family greatly appreciated. My only complaint, the quiet family area for camping is away from the bon fire and such - yay - but it is next to the train track. The train would do the horn all the way past and 4-5 times a night. OMG it was loud. Next year give me the stupid drunks all night - better than being startled awake by the train. Today on the way back we took a detour to Huntsville so Sweetie could make a spot of the prison. Yes, it sounds odd, but we were fairly close and it is something that makes him happy. The drive was beautiful and the kids were awesome. L was in an extra sleepy mood as he has his third tooth coming in. Now for an extra early night as we all are exhausted. But it was worth it.

I am so excited about the Thanksgiving week. I love this time of year, family, friends, and food. I have so much to be thankful for. This weekend was a wonderful reminder.

in a blink of an eye

everything can change. My world is in a state of change indeed. Nothing too serious, nothing related to Sweetie or the kids. This is regarding my work. Time to watch and see what happens. I am focusing on being positive and optimistic about everything. Time to focus on all the good things. This is the time to be my sunshine self. I had a girls' night out with BestFriend tonight and we got our toes done and had dinner, it was awesome. She helped me to refocus and discuss what I need to do.

But in the meantime, there is something else that I need to focus on - CHRISTMAS!!!!

You see, as I told Bug, Mom and I will be having lunch with Santa tomorrow. Yep, time for our annual shopping trip. I cannot wait. Buying for two kids is going to be awesome. It won't be a big Christmas, but I am focusing on the memories - the lights, crafts, baking, singing, and Christmas specials. And as I told Sweetie, sorry you are not invited, heehee.

Now I must figure out what to get Sweetie. Every year I have gotten him something big and surprised him. This year is proving to be a little harder. Hopefully something will jump out - somehow the whole "I gave you a son 8 months ago" isn't going to work, lol.

Now off to bed - must get my shopping sleep on :-)

Catch up time

So much has been going on. Last week began my B-day celebration. Wednesday night Sweetie took me to see Sarah McLachlan at the Austin Music Hall. It was awesome, fantastic, beautiful, inspiring. I left feeling better - having been home from work the two days before with Strep. My soul was reset and my mind refocused. The venue was perfect and intimate, but don't get me started on the seating issue we had, it all worked out so I am not focusing on that. I adore that Sweetie and I do things like this. Unfortunately, it was a work night so we didn't have a chance to do anything other than the concert itself.



Then on Friday I took my mom to see Rent at the Zachary Scott theater. We loved the movie but never got a chance to see the play. It was jaw dropping awesome. We had the first row so the actors were right in front of us as they used the stage as well as the floor in front of the stage. They collected funds at the end for AIDS services of Austin. This was very smart as we gave deeply after seeing such a performance. I love seeing live performances. I appreciate the talent and the guts to do it in front of everyone.

Tomorrow is my actual birthday. I love birthdays and I am excited to turn 34. The only problem is that I have a horrible time asking for presents. There truly isn't much that I want. Well, within a reasonable range for a b-day gift. All I truly want is time with people that I love.

I am already in the holiday spirit. It came early for me this year. I don't know if it is because of L, my self confidence, or simply because. But I love it. Last night Bug and I got her hair cut and wandered into Hallmark to get some Christmasy things. We can't start singing or decorating yet. Bug knows that the holiday season begins after my b-day. So I assume on Saturday she is going to have us all festive singing carols and decorating.

Now this is not going to distract me from my weight loss efforts. I am down 35 pounds and really hitting the point where everyone is noticing. I won the weight loss challenge at work - cha ching. I started another challenge here, to not gain weight over the season. I know I can do this. My whole focus with this new lifestyle is to not deprive myself, I say this as I am eating a frosty :-), but to only indulge with things I truly love. Tomorrow night we are going to Outback. I don't plan to be perfect for my b-day, but I didn't want to ruin anything either, so I started looking up the points. Man oh man those are high. I would eat the half ribs with a sweet potato - that is 34 points, I only get 21 a day.

My favorite thing about the loss, underwear. I have many sizes of underwear. When I was heavier I would be behind on the laundry and grab a pair out of the lower regions of my drawer - they would be too small - crap. Well, last week I put a pair on and started getting ready for work. I looked down and thought "wait what size are these, I haven't worn them in some time". Sure enough they were the smaller size in my drawer that would depress me only 4 months before. I am also having this discovery with my bras. Only it isn't only the band that is smaller, poor Sweetie I always lose in the boob first, lol.

I have to admit though, people noticing the loss is really keeping me good. It feels really good for a coworker who hasn't seen me in a month to say "wow, you have been doing good, look at the loss in your face". I know that I am getting closer every day to being the healthy mom that I want to be. And since I am not losing fast, I know that my chances of keeping it off are greatly increased.

even I stumble
I fall hard and hurt like hell
how do I focus?

doubt abilities
things I want to do must wait
must dig deeper now

much disappointment
must pick myself off the ground
I must try again

Taking a break

Just a quick drop in -

• I have been crazy busy studying
• L is now pulling up to standing and letting go without falling right away - yikes
• Bug is awesome as awesome sauce - she still amazes me daily
• She and I have a girls' day planned for after my test
  
• Sweetie has been AMAZING - he is the best husband ever, he supports me, makes me laugh, and dreams with me
• After my test, I have a "to-do" list that is a mile long
• Can't think about that now
• Before my test on Friday I am going to my school to finish my last minute studies and to ground me - I figure the place where I did my best is the perfect location
• I have my work weigh in on Thursday since I won't be at work Friday
• Looks like I am not paying once again - down 34.2 since after L - woot
• I am back to the weight I was when I joined the at work weight watchers Nov 2007
• Now it is nearly 12 and I must get to bed - night night
  

When you arrive at a cliff, look across and see a beautiful landscape, do you walk all the way around safely or do you gather quickly what you can to make a glider, run, close your eyes, and jump?

Nothing in particular, just an urge.

smiles

I am having the best weekend. I completed the first race since Thanksgiving 2008. And I am happy to say that I did awesome. L was great and never made a noise, and I was able to cross the finish with Bug and Sweetie. I know a 5k isn't a big race, but it was a big one to me. It proved to me that I can do it, that I am back in the game.

And with my weight, everyone seems to have noticed it this week. It makes me smile and want to keep going. That is why I ate a healthy brunch after the race, and why I chose fruit while studying this morning at Starbucks.

Now off to finish my weekend with my family.

Put your hand up

Come on everybody, everybody clap their hands..
Can you give me a M-I-S-S-Y, alright now, Can you give me a R-U-L-E-S
That's right, that's right, everybody clap your hands

Hee hee - Sorry, but I am not one to toot my own horn, so this is where I do it.

Yesterday, when I weighed in I hit my mini goal of 30 pounds - 30.2 actually :-) This makes me so happy - only 2 pounds left for the work 10 pound challenge. Next goal - to weigh what I did at SIL's wedding in Jul '07. This one isn't far as I am only 1 pound away. I picked goals that I could relate to and strive for ex. weight at graduation, weight starting HES, so on and so forth. Some are closer together than others, but it works for me.

And true to form, have me see good results and I stray. I had icecream last night, high lunch today - but I made sure to count it all - not going to stop now. And honestly, when I entered everything into the computer, I felt in control again.

I need to update my sidebar with my new weight goals - currently I am 13 weeks and 9 pounds away from my anniversary goal.

all around me

Last night was a date night for Sweetie and me. We went to a free showing of Social Network by Gowalla. It was fun. While this is not my first Gowalla event, it is the first one since I joined as a user. And this event was the first time that my alias was mentioned. Sweetie made sure those he knew knew my name on the game. Before the movie, we went with a friend to have a drink. It was a lot of fun and I felt like I was doing an adult event, lol. And yes, I tracked every point. This has been a high week, Boca de Beppo on Thursday and Alamo Drafthouse on Friday - but I did awesome. It wasn't until today and I ordered a hamburger at sonic that I went over. Damn 13 point burger. Somehow in my brain it was going to be 6 or 7. It is all good, no worries.

Today was busy and laid back at the same time. Sweetie had a 5k this morning with BestFriend. We then had a b-day party for a friend from Bug's old school. While I adore our new school, I miss our little group. I need to make sure we all get together more often, for the girls and for the moms. We then had a soccer game. It was a good match and a beautiful day. L was awesome and played on a blanket with me while looking cute, not too hard at all.

It is funny, I have been blogging for six years now. Sometimes often, sometimes not so often, but always has been the same blog. Even though in this time friends have come and gone who know this address, I have not changed it. I really don't care what they think, I have nothing to hide. However, it is always a little odd for me when a friend/relative says "I read your blog". Yes, I put it all out here for the whole world to read, but in my mind no-one does. H told me today that I look good and complimented the weight loss. She then told me she reads my blog. *Hello H hope I am not boring you too much* And regardless of who it is that says this, even BestFriend, I instantly start thinking "what have I written lately, should I be embarrassed?" The answer is always no as I don't write anything that would truly embarrass me. I think the main thing is I don't consider myself interesting enough to have anyone want to read what I have to say. I am not as gifted as Katie (if you are looking for a fun blog to read, this is a great one), I just write for myself.

OK back to the your regularly scheduled programming. I should be studying. I will. But man it is amazing what I feel motivated to do while procrastinating studying, I want to clean out the pantry, sort laundry, clean out closets. So I was thinking today - why is this? I know this stuff for the most part, I just need a crash course in some of the formulas and definitions. But what if I don't pass? This is the second time to take this test. And failing the first time - regardless of the technical difficulties that occurred that threw me off my game, it was still seeing those words at the end of the test "FAIL". I want this certification so badly. I am at a place where I feel that I need to pass. OK enough of this, I have seen the lovely words "PASS" on the first test and I can do it again.

Now I am off to do a mock exam.

no holding me back

I am so pumped. Yesterday I actually walked before work - I did the last day of the week 2 interval training program we are doing. Tonight I did the first of week 3. Sweetie is so far ahead of me on week 11 now. But I feel good. As life as Missy goes, I have a detailed spreadsheet on my training. Keeping my goal in mind and having a "training plan" has me more dedicated. I have six months, way more than enough time. I know that I have successfully trained for two half marathons in that time frame. However, this time I want to focus on my speed, I have always been slow - I blame it on the short legs. So I will be doing the intervals during the week and then a long walk on the weekend, much like my TNT training. That with a few 5ks and I will be prepared, yay!! I also need to get L used to the stroller and riding for several miles. Tomorrow will be the first attempt at this with three miles. I know he will do great. I bought T shirts for the kids for the Pink Heals race - so they will be there showing off their daddy's logo.

So the focus: family, study, walk, family, study, walk, family, study, walk - wash, rinse, repeat

flexibilty

Being an adult is about being flexible. Working around kids, friends, work and family schedules. Sometimes this involves plans, plan b's, plan g's. So I am working on keeping going on my weight loss without obsessing. Controlling what I can but not obsessing about what I cannot. There will be days that I cannot workout (like all of last week), days that I want chocolate (like today), and days that I do everything right and don't lose due to my thyroid. So I am revamping my goals officially.

My goal for 13th anniversary is to weigh less than on our 10th anniversary vacation. My goal for L's 1st b-day is to weigh at least what I did for Bug's 1st b-day. The goal of the 10k has not changed. I have a few races that I plan to do before my main focus.

Ok just wanted to update now back to my other goal, my guest - time for studies.

how things change

Today was one of those days that showed how things have changed. We enjoyed a lazy morning watching Disney and Lucas and snuggled for a nice little nap. There was a time when we watched the news but that has changed. Then the excitement started with the search for a pillow pet. Three of her classmates have them, and as there are only 8 in her class (including her), we needed to get one to fit in. Our Target did not have the one she wanted so we tried another one today. We had the best time looking through the store, making notes for Christmas for the kids, planning on how we are handling two and keeping things "even". And while we did not find the pillow pet she wanted, it will be ordered tomorrow, we were able to get everything else on the list that Bug kept us to. The most routine task of purchasing diapers and formula was the kind of fun outing I hope Bug will remember. A wonderful lunch followed where L was crazy attacking his rat and sucking on cantaloupe. Bug even ate really well and earned her ice cream.

Browsing Michael's added more planning for the holiday season as well as L's 1st b-day. While at Michael's I had an older woman come over to admire L, I am very used to this as he is quite adorable :-) She commented on how cute both kids were and said I had a beautiful family. This is one of those rare moments where I actually felt my age. I felt like an adult with two kids, I know that sounds silly. But talking to this woman who spoke to me as an adult and not like I am a kid who needed advice made me proud. She told me she was 82 (which is totally awesome) and said her 51 year old has a 17 and 19 year old who just moved in with her. All she said was it was a time of transition. But like any good grandma, she said no matter what kind of transition there was, she was there for them. That made me smile. Now she also made the comment that she was shopping alone to get some time away from them, and that made me chuckle.

After a quick visit with friends and dinner at the mall, requested by Bug of course, I made my request for the evening. I wanted a bubble bath without kids, with my ipod and a glass of wine. As soon as we got home Sweetie started prepping everything. It started out as I planned, with my new favorite wine, vanilla bubble bath, and my music. Then Bug came in to check on me. Man I love that kid, but I wanted some me time. I convinced her to come back later. In 5 seconds she asked. Sure I agreed to this as she is speaking with a lot of numbers and time frames that she doesn't fully understand. But not this time, this time she came back in actually 5 seconds, lol. I gave in and let her join me. While this was not the plan, it turned into an awesome time. I enjoyed a lovely spa treatment of her washing my hair and scrubbing my back. I hugged her tight and we were quite silly with the word mango.

Sweetie didn't realize she had gotten into the tub with me as he was tending to a L. He was so apologetic and promised me that tomorrow I will get my alone bath. I need to tell him that it turned out what I really needed was girl time. It has been six years since we conceived this gift from heaven. She is so amazing and in tune with me. There is a reason for this as she is so much like me. And yes, this leads to conflict at times. We have to have something offset the good, right? But overall she knows when I need a hug or an 'I love you'. And she knew I needed my hair washed and silly talk.

Sweetie is now at Alamo Drafthouse enjoying a boy movie with my Brother. After he left, I did Bug's nails, we watched a little TV, and now all three of us are on the big couch falling asleep waiting for Daddy to return.

That is my exciting big Saturday. And I wouldn't change one thing about it.

TGIF

This week has been crazy. But this time crazy good. This week has also had me "off". I have not exercised since Sunday. I have still been good with my eating, but I need to move my body. This weekend is studying, cleaning, studying, exercising, and studying. Six weeks until my test, this is go time. I can do it, I can pass this so I can begin the holiday season feeling accomplished.

Bug is back in soccer, not sure I mentioned it. This is her third season. Mia Hamm she is not. But right now this is about fun, hanging out with cool people, and moving her body. I am so happy with this organization. She is with the same coach. He is awesome and very positive. Plus everyone I have met through this adventure has been awesome, I am looking forward to these relationships growing.

Things have been so busy, I have been missing my friends and family. Luckily everyone understands, or I hope they do. In six weeks I hope to be more available. I also hope to be more caught up at work.

I just have to give props to Sweetie. He has always been so supportive of my studies. He is kicking me out of the house this weekend so I can study. I truly appreciate his help, support, and awesomeness.

In other news, another two weeks until I test my thyroid again - I guess I am all about the tests these days. I know I am still off, my focus is off and hair still coming out. I just want it regulated so I can lose this weight a little faster. I am already altering my 13th anniversary goal, hoping for my original but with a more realistic version in my head so I don't get disappointed.

Now I have to figure out what to do for this anniversary. I like the number 13 and it seems like a cool anniversary. However, since Sweetie's awesome planning of our 10th and taking me on the best vacation ever, he said he is not planning this one, lol. He also said he wouldn't go to a haunted hotel. Doesn't it seem fitting to do something like that for 13th? But no, the restrictions are no ghosts. The nice thing is our anniversary falls on a Monday. We are planning on taking it off and enjoying a long weekend. I know that whatever we do will be awesome, as long as we are together.

happy

Today was a great day. I was very busy. Busy when it is something I like is good. I have been creating new procedures, documenting, and making progress - that makes me happy.

I am also motivated. I have to study - this is a given. But I have a lot to look forward to and work for. Oct 28th, I weigh in at work for the 10lb challenge, Oct 29th my test, Oct 31st Halloween, Nov 3rd Sarah McLachlan. WOO HOO!!!!! Now I have to get my butt in gear. I have some goals, some lofty and some realistic. Passing is not the lofty one. I have to pass. I am at a point where I need to show that I am progressing.

My family simply amazes me on a daily basis. The interaction with Bug and L, watching Bug learn in kinder, watching L all but crawl (he gets across a room but technically is not crawling), feeling the warmth when I get home from my husband, and feeling like I am doing good with me - makes me smile. I am so very thankful and appreciative of what I have.

Now back to work, I got a lot to do :-)

on the verge

of something. Not sure what. I want to workout and walk right now. Not odd normally, but it is a feeling I have to my core, movement, escape. I want to make my body move and feel the soreness from a good workout. I feel on the verge of an emotional outbreak, crying or screaming, laughing or singing, I am not sure which.

No, this is not a pity party post. It is more of an observation for me to look back later once this passes over. Maybe it has to do with Mercury - I don't know. That should be better on the 12th.

My normal quiet work environment has me listening to music, and Sarah at that. This could be good or bad. Sarah has helped me through so much. I can tell you what emotional hell I was going through with each album. This is something I crave when I need to work through something - not always bad. At work lately if I listen to anything it has been Venus Hum, Coco, or something else mood lifting and silly.

It is probably the crazy amount of rain we have had combined with needing to study/work and wanting to feel in control of something - SHHH universe you did not hear me, I am not trying to control, I just want the illusion of control. I think that is why I am doing good with my diet and exercise - please note I did not say losing weight, I know that is out of my power - but the actions are mine and I own them.

weight loss update

I have now lost 26 pounds, YAY! I weighed in yesterday and was quite happy with my loss, exercising seems to work :-)

It's all about me

Well, that is the joke anyway. That everything in the world really is about me. It is funny as I really do not feel this way. But in one sense I do think that people come into my life for a reason.

There was a reason I responded to the Team in Training flyer in 2003. I discovered an amazing organization. Because of this, I had the wonderful opportunity to work in my dream job for 7 fun months. Unfortunately, the bills piled on and student loan payments started, I simply could not stay at the non-profit level. I left feeling very strongly about the programs that LLS provides. And at a very hard time in my life I found Deb's blog. I sat in the LLS office reading her story, in tears, having it hit closer to home due to her cancer. She gave me hope, she reminded me that not all parents get to tuck their children into their beds every night. She gave me another outlook on my own issues. When she passed away, it hurt. I had only met her once while chatting other times. I was so moved we even went to her funeral. This was very out of the norm of my introvert personality. I will forever remember Deb.

"Remember to cross your bridges and NOT take a single breath for granted." I read this today on another friend's blog who has had another huge impact. She fights cystic fibrosis, and she is quite a fighter. She was a friend of Sweetie's dad and I am always reminded of him when I think of her. She knew us when we were young and stupid, and somehow still likes us, lol. Unfortunately, due to her illness we have not seen her in a long time. I now have two germ factories with me and the bottom line is my fear of getting her sick - that would break my heart. Luckily, there is blogging and facebook. Her positive attitude and constant fight reminds me to never take health for granted, to never take a breath for granted. I send her all my prayers and positive energy to continue the fight.

The other huge impact is BestFriend. She came along at a time when my "friend" was very negative. She taught me a friend can be your biggest fan. She reminded me to not take my marriage for granted, that a pink wig in Starbucks can make the best day, and silly is something needed on most days. She also taught me to never take my fertility or children for granted. And because of her, I don't. I can honestly say that I take time each day to thank God for my family. I look forward to many more lessons from her, as I am not letting her get away any time soon. We have a contract, after all.

Now I do not believe these people exist because of me and my issues. No, but I do believe they are in my life to teach me lessons and to sharpen my focus. The same is with the ones who were negative, they taught their own lessons, to appreciate what I have, to lighten up, and that I cannot control everything in this world. A younger version of me tried, and failed. That is something huge that has changed in the last 6 years. I have let go of a lot, tried to stress less, and to surround myself with those who amaze me. Johnson & Johnson is correct, a baby changes everything. That is something I take pride in, the fact that I can see how I have changed and matured over the years. Every event, situation and person had an impact.

It is funny, right now my focus is on weight loss, but it is for health, not to get into my size 2 shorts again. Before, I would get obsessed with focus on the end, anything less was failure. And sure enough this failed. I was dealt hands that, once again, were not in my control. My thyroid broke and I gained 30 pounds in less than a year - and didn't even lose while training for a half marathon. Then I finally lose weight after Bug only to find out it is because my thyroid went the other way and the medicine would cause weight gain, hello 30 pounds back. Then my meds were the wrong dosage and hello another 30 pounds. This put me in a place where I had 76 pounds to lose (only 53 left now). This made me "hit bottom" and change my mindset. This time I have many mini goals and rewards along the way and I am trying to live my life and not try to lose as fast as I can. This is the first time that my priorities are truly, losing it for me, losing it for my health, losing it for my family. Luckily, Sweetie is so awesome and has been watching the kids at a moments notice if I want to work out. This helps in the feeling selfish and mom guilt departments. This is just one of the ways that I can see myself change. I can truly appreciate it.

If there has been a couple of repeated lessons given to me over the years, one is about control. I do not have it. I never will. And trying to claim it only brings negative karma to me. I hope the universe understands that I have learned this lesson and do not need a repeat. The other is to appreciate what you have and not take anything for granted. This one, the universe can keep teaching me as wonderful people have come into my life with these lessons. This brings me to one of my favorite quotes; "Bloom where you are planted."...Mary Engelbreit. This is something I am truly focusing on, and have been for awhile, to appreciate what I have and to try and thrive in making it the absolute best I can.

Sorry for this being so long, I simply had a lot on my mind. Thank you for letting me get it out :-)

Gaining focus

With each day I am feeling more in control, more aware, and healthier. I am finishing my 7th week of tracking everything without depriving myself. This makes me feel like I truly am making lifestyle changes. I currently weigh less than I did in Jan 2009. I am focused on my real goal - to walk the Capital 10k in under 90 minutes and be within a healthy weight range for L's 1st b-day. When I declare my victory I will be where I was in 1998. But for now, one step at a time. Next goal - 30 pound loss. I know my weight loss posts are boring, but they are good for me.

Now I get to start a three day weekend. YAY! This weekend I am studying, working out, cleaning, organizing, playing with family, and most likely going into work for a few hours. That and a romantic evening with Sweetie one night. Hard to get out for a date night, so I am going to set up a romantic evening at home after the kids go to sleep. Wine, movie, games. Of course it is going to require us to stay awake, lol.

Bliss

Hard day at work - nothing bad just fixing things and having more to do. Came home and worked out for 1.5 hours. That helped a ton, we will see if I can move tomorrow - did way too many planks. I took a great shower - yes the shower again, but with kids being able to shower at my pace is wonderful. I came out to not only Sweetie have taken care of kids through my workout and shower but he also made a great dinner from scratch, salmon with tomato basil couscous. It was delish!!! I enjoyed a glass of wine and still have 4 points left for today without even getting into my weekly points or the 6.5 activity points I earned today. Yes, I am spoiled and I know it. Now I sit with my boy asleep on my chest. Nights like this remind me how lucky I am to have this wonderful family. I can face tomorrow with more focus now.

Big week

This is a big week. Bug started Kindergarten on Monday. She is so awesome. Her class has 8 kids in it. I think she is going to thrive in the private environment and then kick butt in public next year. Then there is tomorrow, it will be Bug's first trip to the dentist - yay.

Yesterday, I got to see the logo Sweetie has been working on. He has officially designed a logo for a 5k. I am beyond proud of him. As wearing a run shirt isn't out of the norm for me, I will have to make sure to put a "my husband designed this shirt" sticky on me :-) Wanna see it?

It makes me so happy. Now don't go and tell him that, we don't need him to get a big head. I am trucking along at work, and pulling my normal no eating, drinking, or socializing. This is not good. I must get up, get water, eat food, take breaks. I know it sounds simple. But it is so easy to get caught up in what I do and think "right after I finish this I will get lunch..Oh that wasn't bad, after I finish this next thing I will get lunch...oh fire to put out....where was I oh yes working on another project....wait it is 3, why haven't I eaten".

On the studying front I have just over 2 months to prepare. I think that is the time frame of my real focus when I passed the first section. It is just a matter of getting everything in in a day. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.

My boy is getting so big and awesome. He is truly a happy baby. Yes, he can complain and complain as he goes to sleep. But really, he is quite easy. Now he isn't sleeping through the night, but Bug didn't either until after a year, so why should I be surprised? It is just so neat to watch my recessive gene boy get a personality. Recessive you ask? So far it looks like he is going to be red headed, blue eyed, and perhaps left handed. Now all of this might change tomorrow - but right now it cracks me up and think he can do anything.

Well internet, I need to get back to studying. I just had to share some of the happenings of my household :-) Now off to study stocks, working capital, management, and marketing.

It's my Friday and I'll smile if I want to

Today is my Friday. Tomorrow, Bug and L's school is closed for a teacher workday. This works out well for me as Bug starts Kinder on Monday. WOW! How did she get so big? We are having a family day/weekend. Tomorrow is "anything Bug wants" day. I told her we will go where she wants, do what she wants, and eat what she wants. I hope it is as awesome as it sounds. We have been having some issues with her. I know it is due to all the changes and being five. Last night she was having a fit and Sweetie went in to talk to her. They both fell asleep. This was at 6:30. I let them sleep for an hour and then L and I went in to check on them, still passed out. I decided they both needed it and L and I hung out. Actually he took a nap too but then woke up to entertain me with the new sound he found. He is such a happy and silly boy. Well, I expected Bug to wake around 8 and then be up until 11 or later. Nope. Neither woke up until Morning. They both got 12 hours of sleep. I guess they needed it. Bug woke hungry and in the best mood. I have to admit I am a bit jealous as I only got 3.5 hours at a stretch last night.

Things at work are going. I am hoping we are coming to the end. I am really done with it. Plus I REALLY need to get on to studying. Oh and cleaning the house, organizing photos, exercising, play with the kids, date nights with Sweetie, sleeping, and....... Yep that is how my brain works, think of one thing and it leads to others and others. Though I have to admit with me working so much and being in so many meetings, Sweetie has missed me. I come back to my desk to find voicemails that consist of him saying he loves me or he misses me.

With my weight loss I have lost over 20 pounds now. I am very happy - but want more. I will be jumping for joy when I lose another 26.2. I won't be done, but I will be much closer.

crawling in

I have been stressed, I have been quiet and I have not been socializing how I need to. I also know I am not yet ready to come out of my hole. I hope my friends ans family will be patient. In the meantime, I need to focus on work, studying, and housework.

Inhale and EXHALE

My last week has been hectic to say the least. Working long hours, throughout the weekend, and logging in at night. It has been hectic. I think we finally made some head room tonight - yay. I also finally got away from the office for my thyroid test. I knew it was off and I was right. My synthroid is too low. This is another factor is why my weight loss has been slow - that and stress. But it doesn't matter, I am not going off due to the weight not coming off as fast as I would like, or stress, or emotions. Not saying I am perfect, I am simply going to do everything in my power to keep up this motivation. Sweetie is helping more than he will ever know. His tracking of what he eats has made it something we are doing together. His runs have been awesome and very inspiring to me.

Next week is the last week of summer. Bug starts kindergarten on the 23rd. I am so excited. Since she is going to private school I am not a nervous wreck. I already know the school and teachers, that helps a lot. Now talk to me next year and I will be a mess, lol.

OK off to log into the system and get to the end of this whole reconciliation. I want to start 2010.

cheers

My party lifestyle is out of control. Friday night, sitting in L's room while he plays in his crib instead of sleeping. I am blogging while Bug sits on the bed working on her number books "preparing for kindergarten". Sweetie is in the living room checking on some spots while Phineas and Ferb plays in the background. We are very crazy. I am celebrating the day with some Baileys. So what to celebrate?

First, today was the work weigh in. I am happy to report that I did not have to pay. I even made 115 in the process. After weigh in I decided I wanted to celebrate. I was going to allow myself something indulgent. I thought long and hard about what I wanted. My spurge? The chicken pecan apple salad from Wendys. I love this salad. It isn't low in points but is much "healthier" than a burger and it was what I really wanted. I made sure to track each point still, even though I was celebrating. I still have my b-day goal in mind. We finished the day at Red Robin (yum). Best Friend and her crew had dinner with us to celebrate Sweetie's b-day. I had, once again, what I really wanted - a veggie burger with melon. Yes, it was a high day. But I feel in control as I tracked everything and had it in my weekly allowance.

So the money at work was found. Please know this is not real money missing but rather money on a recon. I found it last night while working until 9. I was happy - not ecstatic. I knew there would be a battle. I had my proof of what was off, system changes caused it, and now we have to deal with what to do with it. 2010 will be SO MUCH cleaner. I just want to get done with 2009 so I can move on. Hopefully after working this weekend I will be able to report that I am done and all that is left is the audit. Since the auditor arrives on Monday, this better be the case.

So I am celebrating, I can prove that I can lose weight, I finished part of a recon I have been working on for weeks (and feel good about how I completed it). I got to see BestFriend and that always makes me smile. Now for a weekend filled with walking, cleaning, studying, finishing this damn rec, and family time. We get to celebrate Sweetie one more time for his b-day tomorrow. We always do b-days up big around here and they last and last :-) Speaking of which, I need to look up points.

Now my baileys is done, L is sleeping, and Bug finished another part in her workbook. It is time for sleep as walking will come early. Here's to another inspiring, insightful, and relaxing weekend.

Happy Birthday Sweetie!!!

Happy Birthday to my wonderful husband. You are the one who completes me, understands me, and supports me. I love being a parent with you, you are an amazing father. I love you so very much!! Here's to many more years and adventures.

slams head into wall

Today is one of those days. I have been working WEEKS on a reconciliation, which normally I love, but this is painful. Yes my previous posts have been positive and insightful. Not today. I am tired, my back and neck hurt, my eyes are bothering me. I am resisting overeating due to the weigh in. I need to get my thyroid rechecked, it is time again, but I cannot get away from work to do it. I am tired of my hair falling out. Blah

But I am thankful for a husband that is so involved that he picks up the kids and watches them alone so I can work late. And before you think I am not really working, I am running reports and waiting on the outcome, which I know will have changed somehow, so I will be back to square one.

Another good thing is that normally when I work like this I don't drink my water or even eat my lunch, and my cube is next to the break room so that is bad. Today I got in all my water, my lunch, and a snack. Oh I better count that piece of chocolate I had.

I also need to walk tonight but it might not happen. Other than stress and the knot in my middle shoulder area, I am feeling good. I just need to vent. I get so frustrated when I can't figure out a problem.

Perhaps I simply need a nice massage from Sweetie tonight.

Two weeks into me

I am happy to say that I have followed WW for two weeks. I have been counting points, exercising (ok only three times, but still), and thinking about what I need to fuel me. I have not given up eating out, though we do need to eat at home more, and I have not felt deprived - yet..and I will cope when that comes. So why the change? The challenge at work has helped motivate me, I do not want to pay the money. But also I hit a point where I got so sick of it, that I have to take care of it. Does that make sense? So I decided on the 26 in 16 plan. And Sweetie was so supportive that he started tracking his too. We both are doing the same workout plan, though he is way ahead of me and actually runs while I walk, but it is still something we are both doing. He only has 10 pounds to lose, but I hope this support continues even after he hits his goal. He wants to run a half if not a full marathon in 2011. I know he can do it. If I can complete a half so can he.

The other change is really thinking about the health risks with my weight. How I see myself, even in the mirror is not accurate. It isn't until I see a photo or catch a glimpse of myself when I am not looking that I realize the truth. And the truth is that I need to be healthier. And while I have been dancing with the idea of getting back on the wagon with WW, I kept having this voice in my head saying "I will do it, but I will do xxx instead because I know better". Uhm....yeah. I know I lost before my wedding and that the program works. But obviously I need some help as it didn't help me through emotional hard times, working while going to school, and health issues. And while others who love me will argue, the truth is that I am considered type 2 obese. There are only 3 types, and type 3 is morbid. This is a medical issue. And with my thyroid being the way it is and making weight loss hard, as well as so many other things, I have to be better. I am lucky, my cholesterol, triglycerides, and blood sugar are great. But I can't rely on that. If I were diabetic, I would change my lifestyle and treat the disease. Obesity is a disease. While it is different, it is still a medical situation. I needed to treat it as such.

My other battle is body image. When I got married I was 117 pounds. I looked great. I worse a size 3. But I saw myself as fat. What I wouldn't give to go back in time and bitch slap that version of me. I know that I need to work on me as well. And that is a big reason why I am not doing a crash diet, weight loss surgery (luckily I don't qualify), or anything else drastic. I need this to take some time. I need to feel each stage of my body changing. I need to feel stronger and healthier.

When I walk, I walk alone. When I did Team in Training, I had a team and walked with them one day a week. That was fun. However, my training walks, less a few that Sweetie would walk with me, were alone. When I walked the 18 miles, I did it alone, and without music. Many have offered to walk with me. I appreciate the gesture, but know that my walking is therapy. Yesterday on my walk I went through a lot of internal stuff. (Yes more inside me talk, but is is my little part of the internet)

Over the years I have had several blows, situations, and stresses that took their toll. I like to say that I am better. And while I am, I am not 100% yet. I know I will get there as long as I keep looking inward. My point is it truly hit me how the events in my life have had an impact on how I see myself. How I do not see myself as an attractive, fun loving woman. I see myself as a wife, a mother, an employee. I do not see me. My clothing has been to cover me, but not to make me feel cute. My hair is the same way. I know I like to have my sunshine face on, and it isn't a facade, just more like just not the whole story. I feel like a prisoner in my body. And in turn this has also come through in the disorganization of my home. How I got to this point is not important. The important thing is to refind me. To take back control.

Now I am not talking about leaving my family to live in a village or anything. I just need to work on me. I need to make a conscious effort to do things for me, even if it is something silly like taking a walk or study. It was a true ah ha moment. If it were a cheesy girl chick flick, you would see me walking and then a montage of my past. I then would realize what I needed to do, and instantly feel sexy and cute and run to the airport to tell the man I love not to leave or some other blah blah blah. Well, while I love a good romantic comedy, that is not my life. Instead it is more like the montage went off in my head and I felt honestly like someone took a blow to me. I don't have to go and find my love, I have him here. Sweetie knew something was wrong and I couldn't quite put it into words. Part of me felt like things that I have worked through and dealt with were coming back. But then I realized that was not the case. Rather, it was the next step. It was like in the half marathon when I was walking for hours and felt so tired and salty and I could see the end. I wasn't done with the work, but I could see the finish. All my hard work was paying off. That is where I am, not at the end, but I can see it, I know it is there, I just have this last hurdle to overcome.

This weight loss kick, exercise, and studying again, all goes hand in hand. It all goes to help me. Yes, it will help my family but only on a secondary level. I am sure none of this makes sense. But it is good for me to write about it. This moment that I write about, it was kind of scary for me. I feared that I was going to enter a deep depression, like that of '06. I wasn't sure I could fight it if it took hold. If you have never dealt with depression, you do not know of the monster that it is and how it is much like an alter ego in some respects that takes over. I took it in, almost waiting to be pulled down. But it didn't happen. Instead I kept swimming. When I realized it was a moment of motivation, of realization, and showing me the next step, I began to exhale. I like me. I love my family. I am worth all of it. And you know what? I can fight it. My thyroid is acting like it did after Bug. But I REFUSE to let the weight come back if I have to go back on the horrible meds or any other treatment. I know that for me to be healthy I may have to track my points, exercise, and watch my choices forever.

I have a family that supports me. What more could I ask for? I will continue to write about my journey. I am sure it will be boring, but I hope to gain so much insight from simply writing my feelings. I will continue my walking, my therapy time.

I have tracked my points with Sweetie for 2 weeks. I have exercised and posted it even on my fb and twitter as motivation. I have a study plan in place. And I shined my sink tonight. This is a journey, not sure exactly how it is going to go, but I know the destination. And I know that I will get there. I am going to break free from these prisons. I am going to be a complete me again.

My weigh in at work is on Friday. I will post the outcome :-)

24.8 in 15

I lost 1.2 - yay!

Signs

There have been many times in my life where I knew something was about to happen before it did or the universe/my subconscious/spirits try to warn me. Smoke detectors going off for no reason, power going out at exactly the right moment, knowing of family members passing before it happens are a few of the things that have happened. I try to listen to these ques and follow what I am being told. Today Sweetie took Bug with my MIL to Seaworld. This was the biggest trip without me with them. L and I slept in after we sent them off and once happily awake we set out for my mom's. I have been studying again. Part of my study are lectures that are on my ipod that I listen to through the aux cable in the car. I finished the lectures for this week and I went to set my ipod to the next section for next week. It landed instead on a song that I love deeply but never comes up on my music shuffle. I said aloud "OK, I will listen to this now". And it was perfect. I think truly it is my favorite song. Of course close runner ups are Icecream, Montana, and Answer.

I listened to the lyrics and sang along. L is still too young to ask for a quiet trip like Bug does. Side note she is like me. We don't need to be entertained at all moments, we can entertain ourselves, and we don't always need music on, sometimes we thrive in the silence. So it hit me and it was good. Through happy tears I texted Sweetie to let him know about this feeling I was having. Unfortunately text does not allow enough characters so he thought I was upset at first. No worries, I got my point across.

The song was Somewhere Over the Rainbow / What a Wonderful World by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. I adore this version. And this was just what I needed to remind me of what I have. You see there are many levels that this song applies. First, the baby you have after a loss is called a rainbow baby (the happy after the storm). Bug went with me to all my regular OB appointments. On the stairs in the morning the light hits in a way that shows rainbows, I know simple science, but it was special to me and the baby I was carrying. This Dr became known as the Rainbow Dr. Honestly those little lights gave me more hope than any of the sonograms. Because for him to be a rainbow baby, he would have to survive. The universe was telling me he would. She didn't understand about what a rainbow baby was but she looked for the rainbows each time. Somewhere over the rainbow I get my L. Not to put Bug on any lower level at all. I need them BOTH, they complete me. I am who I am because of them.

This song also made me think about me and Sweeite and our journey. We have had our rough patches, I never claimed otherwise. We took back control, sought help, refound each other, and renewed our vows. We grew stronger. The song reminded me that I was wishing upon a star to wake up where the clouds were far behind me. I have blogged recently on how good I am doing with me. It is true. I keep surprising myself and being proud of myself - these are very good things. I like who I am. I know how I got here, I accept the past - can't do a damn thing about it, and look happily to the future. It is all about growth. But to listen to the song made me realize that my wish did come true. The wish I made with every birthday candle, turkey wishbone, coin in the fountain and eyelash blowing. It came, and continues, to come true. Not that I will ever give up wishing and fighting. It IS a wonderful world. Now I have to admit I may have listened to this song a good five more times today. It makes me smile. It is such a "Missy" song.

Combine that with a great day with my Mom. Eating healthy on the weekend, shocking I know, having a wonderful dinner with Mom and Brother, and finishing with a cute movie, and I am feeling good. This week things really clicked for me. I have no idea where I stand on the weight loss front, but I know I have followed my points for six days. This included, baileys, cheesecake, eating out, and a crazy week at work. If I can lose this week, I can continue this. The challenge at work helps my motivation, but really all of the sudden it clicked that I have to do this for me. I cannot compare myself to anyone else, this is my journey. How fast I lose, how fast I walk, how long it take me to reach my goals do not involve anyone else. I am the one who has to do the work, I am the one who is worth it. It does help to have a spouse who is so supportive. He is tracking too, not that he has much to lose at all, but it does make it easier. Here's to my motivation lasting through Aug 6th :-)

Happy

I am so happy. Life is Good. My family is amazing. Now to figure out what to do for Sweetie's b-day. Hmmm I want to something awesome for him this year.

That is all.

Let's do this quick, shall we?

• I have been working my tail off this week. Working late and through lunch. Hopefully things will get better and we will have resolution soon on some items.
• In spite of the crazy week, I have been on program for 4 days now.
• I even walked last night
• When I got home tonight, Sweetie surprised me with a warm home made meal - lemon zest rice and chicken breast with asparagus and cheese.
  
• He even had the nutrition ready for me.
• I finished my crazy day reading to Bug, we are reading Edward Tulane - LOVE it!
• Also finished with sipping some Baileys - sorry Mom, couldn't wait on you after my crazy day.
• Now time to sleep.
• Tomorrow we celebrate MIL's b-day. YAY!!
  

26 in 16

OK so I am putting it out here so I am accountable. I am doing good and have found some motivation to get healthy. Thanks to the horrible lighting in the dressing room last week when we shopped for the clothes to wear at the wedding. It made me sad, then mad. Mad is good, mad gets you off your butt. So I enjoyed the weekend and started back on WW yesterday. Yes, I have actually journaled my food.

I am down 16.2 from my postpartum weight. I have earned my initial 5 pounds, 2 additional 5 pounds, and a 5% star. I know it is just a graphic on a website, but it makes me proud. This week, even with the wedding, I lost 2.2. YAY.

I feel like I can do it. I have made smaller goals so I don't get lost in the whole 60 pounds that I need to lose now. I am focusing on losing 26 pounds in 16 weeks. This is in time for my b-day. This puts me below what I was on our 2nd honeymoon. My ultimate goal is to be at a weight considered healthy, even if it is only by .1, by L's 1st b-day. This would be about 66 pounds less than when I got pregnant. So my b-day is my focus, of course I have smaller goals before then, like 10% loss, back to weight that I started SEU at, so on and so forth. Next mini goal on my radar is 20 pounds.

As far as exercising, I am going to do the podrunner 5k plan followed by the 8k plan. I will be doing it in order to be in better shape for the Turkey Trot 5 miler. Yes, I am motivated today. I hope it continues. I may post on here more about weight loss and exercise to keep me honest. Another thing I did was put the ww app on Sweetie's phone. This means he can at any point look at how I am doing, see how many points I have left, calculate points of the dinners he likes to make. He is not a controlling man. He will not be harping on me. Instead he will use it as motivating tool for me.

So 26 in 16. I can do it!

chilling with my man

Ok so it is my little man :) Today was a wedding. Of course I cried, I cry at all weddings, including my two. And my man was smokin'. He was freshly clippered with a black button up shirt untucked over some very nice black slacks. Ok it sounds dark, but he pulled it off nicely. During the ceremony he scurried through the church taking pictures. I found myself holding L and completely taken by him. Even after 18 years he still sparks my interest.

Bug is even more in love with my Niece. They are bonded at the hip this weekend and I love it. They even sat together and alone during the ceremony.

L is fully rolling over awake now. We found out as he was on the bed and we look back and he was very close to the edge, silly boy. Needless to say while I clippered Sweetie's hair L was surrounded by a ton of pillows :) that and his sister watching him. She is the most awesome.

Right now my L sleeps in my arms while I watch PS I Love You. Wait now he is awake, now to cater to his needs :)

little bit of this, little bit of that

Yesterday was an awesome family day. We did some videoing for the next episode and hit two parks. The second one we wanted to go to was in Gtown so we did a drop in on BestFriend. She was awesome and actually answered the door :-) We hung out and had icecream. It was one of those feel good days.

L slept 7 hours last night- woo hoo. And I went to sleep when he did so I got 7 hours straight. YAY!

Today has been a chore day. Sweetie and MIL did the yard, and now Sweetie is with Bug at a b-day party. L decided to nap so I started doing chores, I know shocking. Once again I started working on what is bothering me most and now I feel accomplished.

But I couldn't help but take a pic of my boy. The reason for lack of photos is that we moved the pictures to an external drive. This is safer but not as easily accessible for blogging. We are working on fixing this.

The pic isn'r great, taken with my phone. But you can see how cute he is:That's my boy :-) Now off for more chores to prepare for the week. I fear I may have to work late some. That is ok.

ponderings

This is going to be another one of those write until I need to stop times. If you know me at all, you know that I am an open person while being reserved. I mean that I am not always forthcoming with details about my life, been burnt by that before. However, I am who I am. I don't pretend to be what I am not. I am not a girly girl who has to be made up before leaving the house, I hate shoe shopping, but I have an obsession with buying t-shirts. I speak my mind. I am who I am. If you are around me, you know this. I have a very strong maternal instinct. I always have. I want to take care of those around me, I want to help everyone. I try to be optimistic and have a positive attitude. I have been given the nickname of "sunshine" on several occasions because of this. I am the one people are attracted to when needing to talk. I have always been a "safe" person to vent to. And this has always been the case. With this instinct also comes vulnerability. I tend to stay more reserved now as I don't want to be hurt again. I have been hurt/betrayed by those I thought were my friends. This blog is my "safe" place. Very few read my blog. And those that I know read it care about me and I trust them. Those that I don't know, who come across or read it don't bother me. I am who I am. I don't write this for anyone but myself. I know it isn't the most interesting read, but it is therapy for me.

I live my little life and am very happy. I have a wonderful husband, two beautiful kids, a great family, a home and a job - what more could I ask for? I am in a really good place with myself. Yes, I want to improve myself, my meds are helping, but really I am happy. I live a life that involves laughing everyday. Being silly is something that is mandatory. That and singing little made up songs. I have a husband who is my partner in this marriage and in parenting. I have a good life. Life is Good.

Not much can rock my boat. And it isn't rocked so much as I am simply in a thinking state of mind. I received a warning today from a friend that another friend who hurt me is back in town. I sound like I am back in Jr High. I sit here expecting to be upset, expecting to be uncomfortable, expecting to feel bad about myself and not wanting to be seen.

This is not the case. I am doing good. I am even smiling. We learn and grow from every event/action, or at least I hope to. I have said it many times before, if things didn't happen the way they did, good and bad, I wouldn't be where I am today. I am very happy where I am. And while the old me would hide away and feel sorry for myself because I need to lose weight, the new me is confident in who I am. I am not going to hide. I don't want to.

I am sure we will run into each other at some point. And that is ok. Things happened for a reason. I am a very different person now, and I am sure she is too. My reaction really shows me that I have forgiven and moved on. This is a good feeling. A feeling of completeness. I can see how far I have come. I always said that BestFriend helped me to gain my confidence and my self worth, and I stand by that. She is a friend that shows what a true friend is. I am very lucky to have her. She says how I am awesome and praises me. Tonight I have to agree with her words. I am awesome and I am confident.

After all, I can see through walls...

I'm Baaaaaaaccccck

I m beyond behind at work, but that is ok. I am enjoying what I am doing again. Part of it is knowing L is being taken care of. My brain simply works better when I have work to do. My boss has been awesome, which helps a ton.

I got my Rx for my happy pills filled - and it is going to cost me $0. I love promotional coupons. I am also getting back into my walking this week and begin training for the Turkey Trot. Yay. In the work challenge I need to still lose 4.25 pounds before Aug 6th. I can do that. And the lingering weigh in will keep me good during Sweetie's b-day.

Two kids, two jobs, a house to maintain (or at least try), and trying to find one on one time together is not the easiest combination in a marriage. But I am happy to say we are doing it. And while I am getting frustrated easier and using Sweetie as a easy target, our communication is better. We are getting the whole routine of two kids down while trying to keep things even. With Bug it was easier as it was two of us splitting her care. Now there are two that need our attention and in very different ways.

This week has really made me feel more like myself again. My pregnancy was hard and filled with fear of another miscarriage. Then there is the whole lack of sleep, recovering from surgery, dealing with hormones part.

Last night I was having a frustrated moment and took it out on Sweetie. I admit it. He came in calm asking if that is what I was doing. Now in the moment I didn't admit it, I am still a woman. But I know it is true. Instead of wallowing in the frustration and complaining about this and that, I decided "do something about it". I know that sounds easy, but sometimes all the "to-dos" and frustrations take over. So I made myself stop and think about what was the one thing bothering me then and I dealt with it. Baby steps. I got the dishes done, then I picked clothes out for me and the kids, prepped the bottles for school, and took a nice long shower. To a new mom, even a new again mom, the shower is the end all. It can make your whole day. I did all of this while Sweetie put Bug to bed. I went to bed feeling accomplished, less stressed, and ready for the next day. I know this is common knowledge to a lot of people. But I just don't have the habits yet. I am working on it.

Another thing I did was plan for my next test. I am pumped. I have an email in to the IMA They changed the format in May and I have to find out how the section I took relates to the new way. I even contacted my study guide company and they told me that the items for the new version will be of no charge and it is simple switch on their end. That made my day. Now to get into a routine that stops my frustration from being overwhelming and able to get my studying and exercising in. Oh and take care of the kids and the house and work....oh no here comes the frustration again ;-) One step at a time. I need to make a list and do what I can. The most important part of my day is spending time with my kids.

Now off to finalize the last details for G's b-day tomorrow. It is going to be fun.

A Happy 4th

We had a great 4th of July. BBQ, family, laughs, and fireworks. It really was good. Last year I had 5th disease so I was in pain. And we couldn't do fireworks due to the drought. The year before I was newly pregnant and feeling like crap (it was the pregnancy I miscarried). This year was awesome, no pain, happily holding my 3 month old while watching my Niece and Bug play, and my Brother was here. That last one really made it wonderful. He has been staying with my mom. And on a purely selfish level, I have loved it. He is close by and Bug has been able to bond with him again. They were even playing soccer outside yesterday. He is already planning on coaching sports for L. My kids are very lucky with the family they have.

This was L's first 4th, and first fireworks. They were fun, but scary. We had several that blew too soon, not far off the ground, or didn't go off at all. The quality simply was not there. And after all the years of incident free fireworks, this year we had a close call. A fountain went off too soon and got Sweetie. I watched him jump back and fall to the ground in the yard across the street. I was by the house, holding L, talking to G, and watching Bug draw with chalk on the driveway. I put L in G's arms and ran to him expecting the worst. I thought for sure there would be blood, a missing ear, and a needed trip to the ER. We are very lucky, his ear is fine, he just needed a minute to recover. He does have a burn/scrape on his shin. He really scared the crap out of me.

It really was fun though, we stayed up until nearly three. The kids were, of course, passed out so we stayed at Gs. Since moving out 13 years ago, I have only stayed here a few times. This morning was lovely. L and I were up first. I cleaned bottles while enjoying the quiet morning. Then we sat outside while he had his breakfast bottle. It was very nice. Now Sweetie is making us breakfast. I don't know what we have in store for today, but so far the holiday weekend has been wonderful.

Relaxing

Well, my girl day turned in early. We went to Brushy Creek Park to walk the trails. And we did just that. The rain held out for us and it was a great time. We played on a play ground and tested our strength. Luckily we were the only ones there. As we left to go to lunch she said "maybe we should have rest first". Sure enough she was tired and wanted to take a nap before lunch.

This weekend is a hard one. I am expecting to break down at least once. We are going through my Dad's study. There are years of memories and junk to go through. I found the tapes of my girl scout performances, my graduation from High School, and Christmas of 91. Sweetie and I are the only ones with a VHS tape deck still so I get to take them to our house and view them.

Going to the park today with Bug a little strange. Even though I have lived in the same area, within 4 miles of the house I grew up in, my whole life, I rarely go North towards the schools I went to. I knew things had changed, but this time I was explaining the sights to Bug, so it really hit me. This was the first time I drove past my elementary in a very long time. It has changed in so many ways. She was very interested that it was the school where I went to Kindergarten. She asked my teacher's name and what we did in class. Having a five year old is awesome.

While at the park we found a fishing spot that my Dad would have loved. Going with the rest of the weekend, it got me a little teary. Don't get me wrong, it isn't a sad weekend. It is a reflective weekend. Remembering the good times, missing those who we lost along the way, and planning for the future. One thing we found so far was really cool. It was a photo album of my grandma's (father's mom). It was made in 1930 and had her address listed. We were saying how cool it was and I said we should look it up on google maps. We did and it was so neat. The house may not be the same, but we looked around the street. It was very neat. She was 27 at the time, single and loving it. The album has pictures of many friends (male and female) and places. Truly neat to think about my grandma as a young woman. If only I could go back as a fly on the wall and see what it was like when they were my age.

Now off to snuggle the next generation :-)

Going good

Things are good. L started daycare yesterday. I was good and didn't cry. Though I did tear up at work and the day before, lol. Work is good. I am happy to be back. I have a ton to do and am behind but that is a good thing as it makes the day go faster and I can get to my babies sooner.

Did I mention the 10 pound challenge. Work has this challenge where you have to lose 10 pounds before Aug 6th. If you don't you have to pay $100 to the pot. If you do lose it then you get to split the pot with others that also lost. This is completely voluntary, but once you commit you are in. Well, I am happy to say I only need to lose 5 more to be at the goal. Woo Hoo.

I need to start walking again. Really what I need is a better schedule for the kids and Sweetie. But the priority is there. Sweetie has been running again and doing good. Our goal is at least a 10k, if not a half marathon for L's 1st b-day.

I am still shocked that I have kidS. Two, isn't that crazy. I feel like more of an adult with two. Not to mention the pain that writing the check yesterday caused. Two in daycare (and a very nice one at that) is expensive. But it is worth it. If it means we have to stay in our little house for an extra year to make it work, it is worth it. My kids are worth it.

I need to post some pics. If you are on my facebook, I know you have seen how absolutely adorable L is. He is all boy and I am happy to say no one has thought he was a girl. But it is his cheeks, you just want to squeeze them. So far I have heard that he looks like Sweetie and Bug. This is funny as Bug looks like me but no one says he looks like me. I hope it looks more like Sweetie. It would only be fair :-)

This past weekend we went to Ft Worth for our first little family vacation as a set of 4. It was a LOT of fun. We are going to make it a priority to go away at least once a quarter. With Sweetie's spot finding (gowalla) and our love of just wondering, walking, and talking we can go anywhere.

I am very excited about this weekend. Yes, I only worked two days and then get a three day weekend. I planned that quite nicely. Tomorrow I get one on one girl time with Bug, then the 4th and fireworks, and Monday will be family fun tooling around town and visiting some parks. I have a feeling I am going to do some more videoing for the spot finder ;-)

Things are good. And I am doing very good. Happy pills kicked in, thyroid meds reduced, and just enjoying my family. I am letting go of the whole perfection goal. I need to start back on the FlyLady. It is all about babysteps.

Let the weekend begin :-)

Need to blog more

I dreamt last night about blogging. It was very real, just me sitting on the cot in L's room and blogging. I don't remember all I wrote, but I know it was like "I know I need to get back into this". I woke up honestly surprised the blog wasn't written, it was that real.

So there it is, I need to blog more. Today is my last day of maternity leave. I have both kids with me and having lunch with Sweetie. I am going to make the most of my time before going back to work tomorrow. I am sure a post will come tomorrow along the lines of having to leave L :-) I know it is time. I need my adult life back and he is big enough to have fun. I am just going to miss holding throughout the day.

feeling a little lost

Bug is now 5. How can that be? Didn't I just have her? She is amazing and awesome.

I go back to work in three weeks. I have been working from home and it is hard. Between L (who is awesome too), and systems not working and things being slower from home, I am just spinning my wheels. I worked 5.5 hours today from home and got nothing done. I don't want to leave, I am just tired of reports not working.

I feel like I am losing my grasp on everything. I am not one for a pity party, I just feel like I need an outlet. Luckily, I got on some happy pills today. I hope it helps. I need a routine, some structure, something to help my brain. I need to be able to touch something and have it work. And most importantly, I think I need some work on me. My weight has gotten to me, I feel unattractive. I am going to do something about it right now. Time for some lists, goals, baby steps so I feel accomplished.

Thank you, all I needed was to vent for a little while. Maybe writing about it will help. If I decide it is getting too personal, I will move the address.

Still here

Baby boy is getting big, over 11 lbs and 7 weeks today. Life is busy and crazy, but wonderful. I have a little less than a month and a half left at home. More updates will come, but I wanted everyone to know that things are good :-)

Time flying by

Our little boy is over a month now. It is amazing. The time flies just like with the first one. Add that I am working from home this time and my time just flies away even more. He is beautiful and awesome and his sister adores him. Life is good. I am soaking up all of this. I just adore it. No wonder Sweetie wants a third, lol.

My recovery is going good. It was better than last time until I carried my dude in his carseat too soon. This caused a small hole on my incision. Blah. The good news is that not even 2 weeks later and the hole is healed. This week I am going to get out the jogging stroller and go for a walk with little dude.

Having two is very different, but not a nightmare at all. Sweetie is focusing on Bug while I focus on baby. I love having two - yes I know it has only been a little over a month. But it truly is fun.

Things are good. It is time for me to get back to studying and getting healthy. As far as the healthy part, I have motivation. In-law wedding mid july. Oh yes that is some good motivation.

Oh I realized that I have not posted a pic of my guy - here he is with his beautiful grin.

Happy Easter

Happy Easter everyone. Today is a wonderful day. I am surrounded with family and reminded how lucky I truly am. This year my tiny family is one larger and feels complete. If you ask Sweetie he says he wants one more, but we shall see.

I am happy to announce the arrival of Lucas Xavier Tolleson on 3.30.10 at 1:29pm. He weighed 7 lbs 2 oz and was 20 inches in length. He is perfect and we adore him. Bug has stepped into the big sister role without any issues. She adores him, kisses him, hugs him, and says he is her favorite.

While at the hospital Sweetie and Bug stayed with me. It was such a nice transition into our larger family size. We came home on Friday and have been enjoying some nice quiet family time.

I don't have pics to post right now but there are a few on facebook. Don't worry will be some posted here soon.

Today is the day

and I should be sleeping. But I am not. I have honestly the worst heart burn that I have had through the whole pregnancy. And if I have complained about anything it is the heartburn. So I am up. I know I need my sleep, so I will be trying again in a few minutes, hoping the last batch of tums helps.

But the big thing is that I get to meet my boy today. I cannot wait. I am terrified, more so than with Bug. I think it is the whole ignorance is bliss vs. been there and done that. Sometimes knowing what you are getting into is scarier, lol.

The house isn't perfect. His room is beautiful, but the dining room still holds many items that need to be put away that came from his room. I have to let that go. The situation was the same with Bug, and everything turned out good :-) We are not doing our Whataburger run in the middle of the night this time. Earlier in the week during a horrible, but not this bad, bout of heartburn I declared that we shouldn't do it as I wouldn't be able to sleep after. Kind of funny that I am up anyway.

I hope Bug is ready. I just want to hold her and make sure that she is reassured and happy. I want her to know that this is not a replacement but simply an addition. I adore her so much. We had our girl day today. It wasn't as "big" as we had planned. I wasn't feeling up for much.

I hope today goes smoothly. I feel like we are forgetting something big.

happiness

I am sitting in a beautiful park on an 80 degree day. My family plays as I watch butterflies and dragonflies. 3 days until baby L. Life is so good.

Wrapping it up

Yesterday was my 37 week appointment. The Friday before I also had to go in due to a spike in blood pressure. I was put on bedrest for the weekend. The bp never went back up - which is good. However, this caused enough concern to the Dr that he moved my c-section date to 3/30. This is one week earlier. We are a little scattered with this but at the same time ready. Next week I get to meet my little boy. I am so thrilled. I cannot wait to hold him. While this pregnancy has felt like forever in some ways in others it went by so fast. He is most likely my last baby and I am trying to cling to each kick. This pregnancy was so very different from Bug's. This one, due to my miscarriage in 2008, was filled with more worry, caution, nervousness. Add two additional doctors to the mix and it has been a journey to say the least. The fun part was seeing him more often due to the specialist. And the most amazing part has been Bug's reaction to everything. I am going to miss the additional hugs and kisses that I receive from her that are for him.
Family of four just sounds so grown up. I have to get used to that idea, lol.

sitting pretty

I sit here 36 weeks and 2 days pregnant. In 5 days my boy will be "term". I am so exited I cannot stand it. The family has come together and helped get the room ready - only thing really left is painting and decals - but that can be done after he comes, worst case. Hard to believe that just a couple of weeks ago the room was a packed computer room.

We also got so many other things taken care of - big sigh of relief. The biggest change was replacing Sweetie's car. Well really it was my car that he inherited in 2000 after his poor car was totaled in a wreck. The car was dead in the drive but we were able to get the dealership of the new car to agree to tow it for us. Today, when I got home, the car was gone. This is good, but it does feel strange. This car was the last one my father helped me purchase. Add some hormones and you will understand.

Other than cleaning the living, dining room, and Bug's room, we are ready for baby L. I just feel like I am in a dream. I cannot wait. I want to see what he looks like, I want to kiss him, I want Bug to meet him. She hugs and kisses my belly. She tells him she loves him. She even said tonight that she cannot wait for him to come out. I adore all of this. I love that she is big enough to understand all of this.

As tonight is the last night of SXSW, Bug and I had a girls night. We went and purchased some new PJS and toiletries for the hospital stay. We are going to pack tonight, just in case. Bug never tried to come early, so I hope he doesn't either. But he is in the 85th percentile and she was never even close. Oh and have I mentioned that he is sideways - yep that feels great :-)

OK off to pack my bag. I hope I don't need it for 21 days :-)

120 days

He did it! Successful completion of 120 days of growth. It sounds so silly, but I am so proud of him. for 120 days he took a picture every day and he posted on the website. He even went to the party in TN. It was a great experience for him. As much as I want him to trim back, I have to admit it is such a part of him now. This is his last photo for the challenge and I adore it!That is my Sweetie. Man, I adore him. Right now he is delivering our huge wrap around computer desk to my SIL. This means the room is close to being empty and we can start loading it back up and cleaning the remainder of the house that is in disarray since starting this project. We have completed so much this weekend and it gets me excited - 37 days remain at this point. WOO HOO!!!