I Am In Charge Here

On my post about dropping Serif off at school, I received a comment. Yes, the comment has been removed. I cannot believe someone posted this. The comment said along the lines that I am a bitch for sending my daughter to daycare. Well, I have some things to say.

First, I am doing what is best for MY family. I am a better mother for going to work. Unfortunately, I do not have the choice about working at this point in time. While I am surprised about someone who has had two abortions and considering another calling me a bad mother, I would never call her a bitch, let alone on her little piece of cyberspace. My reason? No matter how it sounds, I do not know the situation. I have never lived in her shoes. Therefore, even if it is something I do not think I could ever do, I can not judge because I do not know.

I have mixed feelings about working. Part of me says I should stay home. The problem there is the sense of self that one loses. I know people who have had this happen. Staying home for the 12 weeks was wonderful, mostly because I was paid 100% for the whole time. However, my depression was worse, although not horrible. I have been doing so good the last two days.

I know women who stay home. For all the SAHMs out there - WAY TO GO!!! It is a hard job. I love my job and what I do. I love using my brain and solving puzzles. I love that I have my MBA and use it. I am about to sit for a very hard test and I am excited about it.

If we could afford it, I am not sure of what my decision would be. However, the truth is that my mom and Sweetie said that they thought I would do best at work. I am lucky. I have flextime. I go in early and leave at 4, that way I get hours with her. I can work from home if needed and I have 26 weeks of sick time a year - this counts towards family as well as myself.

I know of women who had to go back to work after only four weeks. I cannot imagine that. I am so lucky to have 12 weeks with this wonderful girl. I believe parenting is about love and quality. I believe 15 hours of quality time is better than 24 hours of so-so.

So with that, this is my Blog. I would appreciate it if those who disapprove and continue to read, although I don't understand why one would continue to read when there is such strong negative feelings, please keep your opinions to yourself.

Oh and one more thing

A ride home

About to head out and get my.....

BUG

YAY

My BestFriend, Erin (she said I can use her name), has a blog. YAY.

And so I cried

Yes, I cried. My Sweetie and I took her to her daycare this morning. I was good, I thought I wouldn’t cry. Then as I was taking her around the room and introducing her to kids, I started tearing up. I still thought I was strong. Then as I was hugging her goodbye I started crying. Big tears down my cheek. Why? Because I knew I would miss her. I trust the daycare. I trust that this is best for her, but I love my Bug. The teacher started to tear up and said “I take care of these babies like they are my own, and I have two”. This made it better. Her crib is in a good location and right next to another girl’s crib. We have to take pictures and such to decorate. The school also said we can bring a disposable camera and they will take pictures of her for us. Her daddy went and visited her at 11 and was able to see many smiles.

I have work to do, but I am distracted. Blah. Now I count the minutes until I get to get my Bug and squeeze her.

Once again a butterfly

Yes, this morning I saw another butterfly outside my window. YAY. This means I am where I am supposed to be. Everyone loves my tattoo here. I am lucky to work at a place that allows for tattoos to show.

At Work

I am at work, sitting in my desk and eating my lunch. I have a stack of pictures beside me. My Bug and Sweetie look happy in these photos. I have called three times, she is doing good. Daddy is taking good care of her.

I am contemplative today. I feel like I am in a dream. Work is strange, no once is acting weird, I am just feeling a little lost. I could not wait to get back, but I miss her so much. In addition, having my Sweetie home for 6 weeks has been wonderful.

What should I write about today? My lunch is short as I want to go home early.

Everyone at work is saying how great I look. I was even been called a Skinny Minnie – YAY.

I got in contact with a couple more people from high school. One has a baby only a week older than Bug. We are in the process of planning a get together.

Yes, I am on the verge of tears but have not actually cried yet. Tomorrow will be harder when she is at the daycare. But I know it is what I need to do for her.

Tonight we are going to have dinner, go on our walk and read. CPA review starts tomorrow. I am so excited about it. An ex-coworker and fellow Hilltopper is helping me with the review. It will help having someone yell at me, LOL.

My goal is to sit for two sections on Nov 30th and then two more on Feb 28th. I know I can do this.

Along the weight loss front, I did not lose last week. I was not unhappy by this due to many bad days. I am doing good today. The brownies are tempting but I want have my goal for my b-day to keep in mind. What is it about accounting departments and always having food.

I just called the CPA review people. Now I need to figure out what I am going to do.

Big Day Tomorrow

Well, not much time to post. I am back with the working class, as of tomorrow at least. I am excited and torn. I will post more on that later. I had a great day with my little family today. Tomorrow is a Daddy and Bug day as she doesn't start daycare until the 1st.

So to sum it up I feel:

Excited - to use my brain again and to interact with adults about work
Scared - 12 weeks out is scary
Sad - I will miss my Bug, but know that she will do great at her new school
Lost - I should be in bed but I am not tired yet and know if I try to go to bed now I will only toss and turn and worry - and we know how I can worry

Picture for today - my family at DarkDiva's party.

Through the night

Yes, we have officially had a Bug sleep through the night, 8.5 hours last night. 10-6:30 woo hoo!!!! Let's hope for a repeat.

What a packed weekend

First I have to say that late last night the coolest thing happened, although not the first time. I was in the bedroom reading and my Sweetie was in his computer room. I was thinking about him, but not calling his name or anything. Next thing I know he is in the bedroom. I asked him why he came when his show that he was watching was not over, he said that I called him. I told him that I didn't call. He said "no, not my name, but you called me, you needed me". I love this. We know each other so well that we communicate without words.

Now for our busy busy weekend.

Friday night was dinner with Mom and Brother. The normal deal and with great conversation.

Saturday was so busy. My two friends came, S and A, along with Amelia (A's 10 month old). Mom and MIL also came over and enjoyed the babies. Bug had the best time. She did not know what to think about this bigger baby. Amelia was very interested in Bug as well. However, the biggest issues was when A held Bug and Amelia was not happy about her mommy holding another baby.

After they left we packed up immediately and headed to the newest Diva's house, that I rarely see because that she lives far south and has a 23 month old to keep her busy. BestFriend and her husband also came along. The funny thing is that she lives only a few streets away from A and Amelia. Right when we got there Newest Diva's husband had to hold Bug. He LOVES babies. Their 23 month old is the best. She played with me and was so good with Bug. We ate so much homemade pizza, including cauliflower pizza. It was really good.

After leaving Newest Diva's house we trekked across town to G-town to spend more time with BestFriend and her husband. Once again I am so happy they are in our life. We played more Munchkin and had the best time. We got home close to 1:00.

Sunday was the normal store and such. I ran into a ex-coworker at the store and we are getting together tonight. Yay for a wonderful husband who says he will babysit. After the store I enjoyed a nap and MIL and Mom watched Sweetie play his game, lol. They are such good moms. Then Sweetie and I went out for a date. We drove around - too hot to get out and ended up at Nanking for dinner. As soon as we walked in the owner asked where Bug was. We had the best conversation. I know I say it too much on here, but I love him. When we got home and he got out of the car, I acted like I was leaving, he looked at me and mouthed, "all for me then" and ran inside laughing. I had to stop the car and get inside, he was going to get Bug all for himself, LOL. She, of course, she was asleep.

Me and Bug:

Day of Me and Tattoo

Yesterday it hit me that the first time I will be away from my baby for more than 4 hours will be on Wednesday, my first day back at work. This is not a good idea. My Sweetie insisted that I use today as a dry run.

I decided last night that I wanted to get a tattoo today. Not the one that my Sweetie and I are wanting, still waiting on the design and such a time when we both can go and get it. Rather, I wanted a tattoo for me. Every time I got a piercing or tattoo I had my Sweetie or a good friend with me. Suprisingly both times I got my tongue pierced my Sweetie was not there, lol.

So this morning we woke up at 9 and my Sweetie turns to me while we are still in bed and says, "you need to leave and start your day". I obliged and got showered and dressed. I was not feeling good but decided I still needed this day. I set out. My first trek was to Target. I bought my Bug some sunglasses, they are so big on her. Then I headed to Platinum Tattoo (any place that has slogans such as "poking people pretty" and "Keeping Austin Holy" has to be a good place). I remembered incorrectly and thought they opened at 11, nope at 12. This was actually good, as I needed food. I enjoyed some food while reading my book, yes I am savoring book six.

After noon I headed back to the tattoo parlor. While I was looking through the artist's book and discussing what I wanted my Sweetie called. I had not told him my plans, I wanted it to be all on my own. He knew I was up to something as I said I was nowhere and doing nothing, he simply laughed and told me to have fun.

The artist recommended this tattoo for me. It originally was going to be all black. However, after he had the outline he asked if he could add some red. Of course, after seeing his work, I agreed. He knew I would and already had a second ink bowl ready. It hurt a lot less than I was afraid of. I got my tattoo in December 1995. Since then I have had many many piercings. While piercings hurt, the pain is not for long. Tattoos take longer. I was worried I had grown weak. This is not the case. Did it hurt? Well, of course. However, it was nothing to even flinch over and after the outline was complete, I was pretty numb.

After my beautiful new artwork I went to get my hair trimmed. I want it to be able to grow out some before the reunion. Then I went to the mall and bought some books for my bug and Sweetie. Just as I was ready to go home, after 6 hours, my Mom called asking if I wanted to meet her at BabiesRus. Of course, I could not object. This added another hour with me being away from my Bug.

My Sweetie LOVES the tattoo. He was surprised that I got it but not shocked. When he saw the bandage he asked what I got, lol. Oh the tat is on the outside of my left leg just above my ankle.

Why a butterfly? I know it is one of the most popular tattoos. However, I have reasons for it. Butterflies follow me. With important events in my life I tend to see Butterflies. They show me that I am where I need to be. Also in the last year I feel like I have emerged as my own person. Much like a caterpillar rising from its cocoon, I have come out of events stronger and more beautiful.

So how did I do? The first time in almost 12 weeks to be away for my baby for 7 hours. I did good. Knowing she was with her daddy helped. And I trust her daycare so I should be good. The hardest thing is going to get back into work. While I am not new, I will feel like I am at a new job and relearning everything.

Isn't this a great picture?

Good Girl

7 hours of sleep. Good Bug. If only I went to sleep when she did :-(

Once again ladies and gentlemen

St Edward's made the 100 best colleges again this year.

Baseball and School

This week has been very busy so far, and things are not going to let up anytime soon.

Monday was a lazy day. Isn't that the best kind? My Sweetie and I walked and it felt good after three days off.

Tuesday we went to a RoundRock Express BaseBall game with my Mom and her Company. Since she doesn't have a spouse or children at home, her company lets her bring us along for family events. We had such fun, although it was really hot. At 10:30 at night it was still 86 degrees. Bug got cranky so I had the opportunity to walk around the stadium. They have a pool, play area, and picnic area. I was quite impressed. Yes, although the team was established in 2000, this was our first trip. I had so many people come up and compliment my bug. That always makes me happy. After the game I was waiting on Mom and Sweetie, Bug was cranky so I was pacing with her, and a couple of women were asking her age and such and saying how cute she is. My Sweetie walked up and said "I'll give you a buck for her!", smiled, and kissed me. He loves when people like our little family.

Today Mom took off from work to spend the day with us. We went to Starbucks, I love a non-fat chai. Then we went to my Bug's school. I needed to spend some time there before leaving her. The director was happy to see us and told us to spend as much time as we wanted. Bug liked the school and was very curious about the babies. She got a little fussy at one point so I sat down with her in front of some babies. This was her first time to be this close to other babies. She was very curious. The youngest in her class is 6 months. She is going to have to adjust quickly. Survival of the fittest. I really think it is going to be good for her.

After school we enjoyed a trip to BabiesRus where we purchased her first Halloween outfit and then a trek to the mall for a good wanderings and a sketch book for my Sweetie. My Sweetie puts everything in his sketch book and is about to complete his current one. We finished our outing at Manny Hattan's. While we were there Bug was so happy, cooing and smiling so much. My Sweetie smiled at her and said "looking at you makes me believe world peace is possible".

I must say that I love my BestFriend. She is the greatest. We spent the evening with her and her husband. We had the best time. I am so glad that they are in our life.

This week has been busy and things are not going to let up. Friday is family night, Saturday afternoon two friends are coming by to meet Serif, Saturday night we are going to another friend's, and Sunday we are getting together for MotoDiva and DarkDiva. So busy. What a way to finish my last weekend of freedom.

Church, Munchkin, and a Year Ago

Today has been very busy. This morning my Sweetie, JuneBug, and I went to church. We have not been to a non-holiday service since just after getting married and our favorite Priest, the one who married us, moved to another church. This is a church that I went to as a small girl and I have very fond memories of. When we think of "our" church this is where we attend. We are members and always feel comfortable there. We went back today for a big reason. First, let me back track, my mom went back over a month ago. She let us know that a baptism was happening with this service. Since we want our JuneBug babtised at this church we wanted to go and see how the new Priest handles things. I woke up this morning to my Sweetie fully dressed for church and he already had muffins baking for me. The Baptism was just what we want. They do it in groups at this church. About 5 babies were baptised this morning. I will call tomorrow and set the motion in order for getting our JuneBug on the list for the next baptism.

After church we went to the store, our normal errands, and then headed to BestFriend's house. We had the best evening. We played a game they gave my Sweetie for his b-day, Munchkin. It is so much fun. Any game that has a card like this is going to be fun to play. I love that having our JuneBug has not changed our friendship with these wonderful people.

Last year tonight, I was on a camping trip. And while I missed my Sweetie, I had a wondeful time with DarkDiva and MotoDiva. On that trip I was timid and unsure of myself around them. In only a year everything in the world has changed. My Sweetie and I are better and stronger than ever, I have more confidence in myself and my life, I am 28 pounds less, and we have a beautiful baby girl. Yes, a lot has changed in a year. This all makes me very happy. I love being able to see progress, to see healthy changes. I am very date oriented. I know when things happen. My BestFriend is not this way. She will ask me, "how long have we been friends?" That night, a year ago, was very important. My whole world started to change with that night.

This next week I am going to enjoy myself. My Sweetie will be looking for a job, of course, but we will be taking in every minute we have with JuneBug.

Now I am off to read some more of book 6 and snuggle tight to my Sweetie.

Too Tired

Alas, I am too tired for a thoughtful post. Today was our home appraisal and a date for me and Sweetie. We saw Must Love Dogs, very cute movie. But now I am tired and must go to bed.

goodnight all

Here is a picture to keep everyone happy.

Nightmare

So, I awoke this morning in a horrible way. While my baby was beside me, I awoke from a nightmare. I dreamt that my Sweetie and I were in my Mom's house after a fight. Two cops coming to the door interrupted us. My Sweetie let them in and they came to the room I was in and verified my identity. They informed me that a car crash killed my parents. They said that the other driver that hit them was fine but going to sue because one of my dad's tools from his truck hit their windshield. I asked the cops if I should sue them for killing my parents, he said yes but could not advice me. During this discussion, I was signing a bunch of papers and I commented that I would go to our attorney the next day. At this time, my Sweetie walked into the room and I looked up and said "I am so glad we had JuneBug when we did". I awoke as if the dream was reality.

Losing any more family members is one of my biggest fears. This dream really hit me not only because of losing my mother would be horrible, but because losing her without being able to say goodbye would be the worst. I am very lucky that I was able to be next to my father's bed when he passed away. I was also lucky enough to be able to say goodbye to my grandfather moments before he passed away. He chose to wait until my mother and I left the room.

This comes as no surprise. I only have one more full week off before returning to work, and then September begins. September has always been hard for me, at least since 1997. Luckily, last year my Sweetie and I made a reason for September to be happy, when we re-found each other and conceived JuneBug. The car wreck even makes sense, as it was almost a year ago that DarkDiva lost her mother in a car wreck. However, September is still hard, I miss my father more than ever. I wish he could hold my JuneBug. I wish he could see my accomplishments. I know he is around me, but I miss him. I also miss my Sweetie's father. We lost him only four months before losing my dad. I hate that my little girl does not have a grandfather. However, she is so lucky to have two wonderful grandmothers who live close.

So now that I wrote a completely depressing blog I had better add something happy. I went to the grocery store today to get makings for my famous grilled cheese sandwiches. JuneBug was so happy, grinned, and cooed all the way through. I think the soy formula that I put her on starting Thursday is helping. She is so amazing. She is mine and my Sweetie's everything.

My Brother said the best thing tonight. He stopped and looked at me and said, "You have lost weight". I smile broadly and say "yes, 28 pounds". He says, "No, since the last time I saw you (which was Wednesday), your face looks thinner". YAY.

Healthy

The best thing about today was after I got dressed to run some errands with my Sweetie and JuneBug. I had to change shirts due to something getting on it, though not spitup or formula this time, LOL. After I changed I went into the kitchen to get the diaper bag ready. Totally unexpected my Sweetie turns to me and comments on how much weight I have lost and that he can really tell. He went on to ask when I last wore this shirt and I had to admit that I was not sure but back when I worked at HighEnd, and that has been two years now. The shirt fits perfectly. Yay me.

So this mom thing is very wonderful. However, I have to admit that the fact that I was just humming along to the swing music is a little scary. But if it makes her coo, I will play it all day long.

Along the reunion front, I found out that three other classmates will be a part of the reunion committee and two people that I have been thinking a lot of lately. This should be a lot of fun. The neatest thing is that with all the old '95 people I have run into, all but one are married with kids. Perhaps I will find a playgroup for JuneBug. How does a small Texas town do a reunion? In a park with BBQ, of course.

Only 8 more working days off until going back to work. I need to get to organizing, but then there are books I need to read, lol. Not reading for so long because of school really sucked.

I am about to head out with my Sweetie and JuneBug for our walk. These walks are making me feel so good. I have felt so healthy today.

I hope everyone is feeling healthy and wonderful.

Spam??? and other daily nonsense

First, the post before this one, the one with the quiz, I moved it because of its size and I figure I would like a place to hold random facts.

However, the comments that were deleted were Spam. I can't believe it. I had no idea that I would have to worry about spamming on a blog. I want to keep my comments open, but I am sure I will get more "Microsoft sucks" comments and such. One even said my blog was "informative". What??? No, it is not. It is about my life and is nothing more than that. I am not out to inform anybody about anything, lol.

This morning I woke up with an almost migraine and feeling sick to my stomach. My Sweetie let me sleep in and took care of Bug. Shortly after I woke up DarkDiva called and said she was going to stop by. We had a short, but very nice visit. The girls were very good. Lilly and Violet even kissed my Bug. I can see in Bug's eyes that she wants to know how to "play" with these bigger girls.

Tonight we celebrated BestFriend's DH's 4.0. We had pizza and I even got a very healthy pizza - veggie with thin crust. After everyone left, my Sweetie, Bug, and I headed out for our walk - that makes three days in a row. YAY!

I know the reunion has motivated me a lot. Although I feel confident enough to walk in right now, a couple more pounds gone would not hurt anything, LOL. I received an e-mail back and it looks like I will be a part of the Reunion Committee. It should prove to be a lot of fun.

My headache is still here somewhat. BLAH.

I am giving in and starting book 6, everyone is dying for me to read it.

Until tomorrow.

Silly Quiz About Me and Sweetie

Edited - This post moved to another blog

Random Things About Missy

PopTarts

For my 17th b-day my Sweetie had a candle light table ready with poptarts and milk waiting for me as a surprise.

What makes me think of this? Someone on my Sweetie's game just commented on how they are eating poptarts. My Sweetie said that it sounded good and I am about to go for a poptart run for him. I think I might just be the best wife ever.

Checking In

I finally finished book 5 and now I can start on book 6.

Food wise I have been doing great. I am officially down 26 pounds from last year, YAY. My highest was on August 14, 2004. Last night my Sweetie and I went walking with our JuneBug for 30 minutes. We want to start a family walk several nights a week - we will see how this pans out.

We had the best dinner tonight. My Sweetie prepared some bacon wrapped filets and I prepared a wonderful salad with green onions, spinach, tomato, sugar snap peas, almond slivers, pieces of bacon, and lite dressing. Top it with a whole wheat roll and there is an awesome 9 point dinner. After our stomachs settled a little we went out for a walk. Two nights in a row. We did another 30 minutes and went further than yesterday. I love walking at night with my Sweetie and my JuneBug has done so well both nights.

After our walk I enjoyed a wonderful shower as my Sweetie fed JuneBug for her last meal of the night. Now I am all comfy in my night clothes and feeling great.

I go back to work soon. I am so excited. I will miss my Bug and Sweetie with all my being, but having to use my brain and getting out of the house and on a better schedule will be very nice. In the meantime I have two weeks to do some organizing of the house before I begin my CPA review, but nothing crazy.

We are celebrating on Wednesday or Thursday. BestFriend's DH got a 4.0 this semester. He took 9 hours in 5 weeks. Simply crazy. I am so proud of him.

What else should I chat about? I am sitting on my couch, my Sweetie is playing his game (I love that he plays it in the living room so he can be close to me and JuneBug), my Bob cat is next to me demanding attention since the tiny human who monopolizes my time is in her bassinet. Of course she just showed her ability to be slightly awake as I just saw a foot kick into view.

I most likely will post more tonight. I am in a communicating mood, but I don't want any post to be too long, lol.

Dancing, Freak, CPA, and Upcoming events

Last night DarkDiva had a late night pool party. We all dressed up, DarkDiva in a black corset, ballroom shirt, and opera gloves. I wore something much more comfortable and less glamorous, a nice sweater and skirt. We brought along some friends from Elgin and had a great time. My Sweetie had the best time swimming with Lilly and MotoDiva. Bug was so good throughout the party, she is so wonderful. The best part of the evening was after the belly dancing show started. It was very humid. Those of us who chose not to swim were very hot. At the shallow end of the pool there were about five or six water fountains that shot up from the ground for the kids to run through. I took my bug over to this area and we danced around the projectile water. It was refreshing simply being close. I would stick Bug’s feet into the water. She did not seem upset by this. We danced for a couple more songs and continued having a wonderful time. By this time, I was having so much fun and wanted to see how she would react totally wet. I held her tight and we ran under the water. OK, strike this up as another reason she questions my ability to keep her alive, LOL. She blinked a couple of times, looked around in an attempt to figure out why there was water on her face, and started to cry by sticking her lower lip out first. I hurried over and got her a towel, while giggling, of course. All was better as quickly as it went bad. It was a wonderful mommy moment, dancing in the water. My Mom took pictures of us, I hope they turn out, yes on regular film.

And something else funny happened. I was very “mommy” looking last night. I had the sensible shoes, summer sweater, and knee length black skirt. I was in DarkDiva’s bathroom while she was finishing getting ready, while at the same time urging Elgin friend to wear this very revealing dress. DarkDiva had a friend in from Dallas who I had never met and she was also in the bathroom with us. You know how girls are, LOL. Well, I started talking about Carnaval. This Dallas friend was SHOCKED. She turns to DarkDiva and says “Is she crazy when she isn’t a new mom”. DarkDiva smiled and said, “No, she is a freak all the time”. DarkDiva let out a little giggle. Last year this upcoming weekend was our camping trip. This was when DarkDiva and MotoDiva first found out that I am not as vanilla as I appear. I must admit, I truly enjoy the faces of shock when people find this out and I remember their faces that Saturday evening. Elgin friend also laughed and had to agree and brought up the New Year’s party going into 2002. That was quite a party. There was much alcohol consumed. And there is even a picture of me drinking a blow-job, you know the drink where you have your hands behind your back and you bend down to the drink, pick it up with your mouth, and throw your head back to drink it. Yes, I will have some ‘splaining to do when my JuneBug finds that picture, LOL.

I am feeling pretty good today. I am feeling confident for the reunion. My Sweetie and I talked about it a lot. We missed his reunion, we never received the invitation, but he does not want me to miss mine.

Upcoming events, my calendar never goes blank.

August 23 - Round Rock Express game – time for a ballpark hotdog.
August 28 – finish MotoDiva’s most recent movie
August 31 – go back to work
September 1 – JuneBug starts her daycare
September 17-18 – romantic weekend planned
September 30 – Niece’s b-day
October 1 – Carmina Burana
October 10 – JuneBug’s 4 month appointment – more shots and introduction of cereal to her diet
October 15 – Reunion
October 31 – Halloween (of course)
November 12 – my b-day and the countdown to 30 begins
November 24 – Thanksgiving
November 30 – BestFriend’s b-day and testing for CPA section 1

I don’t know if I am testing for one part or two with the CPA. But I will keep everyone updated with my stress level, LOL. Now it is time for me to try and finish that darn book five.

And the reunion is planned

The Class of '95 reunion is planned, October 15th.

I have 9 weeks.

Dreams, Weight, Running, and Montana

I love this picture, I know I am a horrible mom, but is this not the cutest?

Ever have a dream that causes you to wake up happy? Well, no that is not correct, not just an emotion, more of a realization. Let me try to explain. I had a dream this morning. It involved someone who wronged me, someone who was a dear friend of mine at the end of high school. The details of the dream, or why we are no longer friends are not important. However, the dream showed my acceptance of the past as a path to where we are today. Even that does not describe how I felt. It was a dream that opened my eyes to my own forgiveness. I thought I had forgiven. However, forgiveness is not black and white. It has many layers. Yes, I had gotten through the top few layers. However, this dream showed me that I have uncovered even more, thicker layers. The biggest aspect of this dream was that I was face to face with this person. I have not seen her in over 9 years, although we have e-mailed more recently. This was my first dream really face to face with her. What made me really stop and think was the lack of anger or emotion with this confrontation. I know it was only in a dream, but I felt a relief when I awoke.

The feeling of forgiveness is wonderful.

I was also running in this dream, this is a common theme in my dreams. I have researched this and the meaning of the dream depends on the effort of the running. Meaning if the running is hard and labored this means that you feel your life is out of control. However, if it was effortless, like in my dream, it means a successful feeling of life and a control of what is happening around you, like keeping up with everything. I am happy to say that all my running dreams are effortless.

Of course, a running dream makes sense with JuneBug and CPA. Also dreaming about past people makes sense. Since JuneBug’s arrival, actually conception, I have had a strong need and desire regarding my family and friends. This actually goes hand in hand with my self confidence. Feeling comfortable in my own skin and with who I am and the life I live makes me feel confident and able in my abilities to keep my family and friends close. It also gives me the ability to see the past, and those who wronged me and such, with different eyes, in an attempt to understand and come to the needed conclusion of forgiveness.

Another realization is that I really am comfortable in my skin. I am overweight, this is true. I have lost 24 pounds since last year at this time. However, during this time I had a beautiful baby girl and I have not had the feeling of “oh I need to lose XXX amount of weight in order to be happy for such and such event”. A BMI of over 30 is considered obese. While I believe the term implies someone much larger than me, the truth is that medically this is correct. I have 16 more pounds to lose before I am out of this category. I cannot wait. This is my first goal. I am following weight watchers to help me get healthy for my Sweetie and my JuneBug (although I have no medical issues other than my thyroid). Now I will not lie, I want to be as fit as possible for Carnaval. I am focusing on this as a goal. However, regardless of my weight, I know I will look awesome and have a great time. My Sweetie thinks I look great and that is all that matters.

I am feeling fantastic today. My JuneBug slept great only waking once during the night. I am so proud of her. This weekend is going to be filled with a party, cleaning the house for a maybe upcoming home appraisal, and enjoying my Sweetie and JuneBug.

I saw this quote today and really like it:
"If your ship has not yet come in, build a lighthouse." Rod Garcia

What I am listening to: Montana by Venus Hum. My Sweetie and I saw her in concert opening for The Blue Man Group two years ago this month.

And the cell phone rang!

:-)

The monkey ate the what?

Picture of the day: This is me the day my JuneBug arrived. Look at that belly.

No the title has no meaning. Titles are hard to generate.

I have gotten a bit spoiled the last few weeks. Having my Sweetie around 24/7 has been wonderful. I love waking up with him in the morning while taking care of JuneBug, having him fix me lunch, and being able to spend time with him throughout the day. It has been wonderful. I am looking forward to going back to work and starting back on my CPA review, but I will miss the lazy mornings and such.

Today we went to Suncoast and splurged on a movie we have been wanting for a long time. Kiki's Delivery Service. It is another Hayao Miyazaki movie. JuneBug was a little fussy so I held her through the mall and assured her that I would wake her if something interesting happened. I don't think she believed me. However, she did fall asleep.

Tonight we went to BestFriends. BestFriend's husband just finished a hard semester and we needed to celebrate. I was so awesome. We took food to save money vs. a restaurant. I only had 4 points left for the day. So I bought a lean cuisine and a bunch of veggies to steam. It was perfect, and I was stuffed. Yay to 5 days perfect on the plan. While I am not expecting perfection, I am happy for a good first week of actually following the program. Since I no longer have breastfeeding to help my weight loss, I must do it on my own. My Sweetie is so wonderful and telling me how awesome I am and how great I look. It does wonders for a girl's self esteem.

So I have to be an adult. I do, right? Ahhhhh come on, do I have to? OK fine. So, regarding the Motive half marathon I am thinking that I am most likely not going to participate this year. The main reason is my CPA review. I HAVE to test and pass one section before the end of the year. While this is not unheard of, I have a wonderful family that I want/need/long to spend time with. I plan on Studying 4 hours on the weekend, more if I want to sit for two sections. The training for a half marathon can be up to three hours during the LSD (long slow distance) walks. This is more time than I want to be away from my Sweetie and JuneBug. However, my Sweetie said if I want to do it, that he wants to do it with me. This eliminates part of the issue. We agreed to begin like we are training (low mileage in the beginning), see how we do, and decide closer to the race. The only issue is that the price raises the closer you get.

School starts around here next week. My niece is entering the 3rd grade. I can't believe she is getting so big. This is bittersweet for me. I am happy that I finished my MBA, but sad that I don't have school supplies to purchase. Luckily I have my CPA study to keep my brain ticking. Otherwise I might just be going crazy. And after all, I do need study supplies.....

I know it is TMI, but the addition of a new baby has not decreased our sex life but rather increased it. I know no one actually cares, but it is has been amazing since we got our clearance at 2 weeks. I know my self-esteem is one of the biggest causes. But a girl can't complain *enter amazingly happy and satisfied face here*.

It is calling to me!

I can't help it. It is in my blood. I feel the need to train, sweat, overcome injuries and seek success. I was never in sports. Walking is my sport. I am not the best at it, I am slow - but I finish what I start.

Last night I went to the Motive Bison Stampede website. It is Nov 20th. This year they are giving away medals. Oh I want that medal. Of course I have to remember those F&*^%*&G hills, lol. But I need a marathon this year. I did Motive in 2003, Motorola in 2004, and now I can have Motive in 2005. Plus I would love to see the weight loss with the training. My thyroid was broken when I trained before. And DarkDiva sent out the costumes for Carnaval. I have great motivation now as the costume is rather skimpy.

I have 15 weeks to train, totally doable. I would not have the best time, but I could complete it in the 4 hours needed. But I still worry about training and studying at the same time.

My Sweetie is so very supportive. He told me that if I decide to train for the Stampede, he is going to train and complete it with me. Isn't he the greatest?

This marathon is located only a couple of miles from my home, as well all proceeds from the event go to the Leukemia & Lymphoma society - one of my favorite charities.

Speaking of charities, we packed JuneBug up and took her to the Cystic Fibrosis office today. My Sweetie needed to speak with the director, and friend, about design work he does for them. The director needed to meet JuneBug. He even said we are welcome back anytime as long as we bring her. He could not say enough about her, simply amazed by her beauty. I did not complain. Anyone can oogle my baby :-)

Now I must set in a plan of attack if I want to sit for the first part of the CPA as well as walk a half marathon. Let me introduce you to the Anal Missy.

Doctor's appointment and a wonderful evening

Yesterday was my JuneBug's 2 month appointment. She is now 22", 9.5lbs, and considered very healthy. Yes, she got her shots. And she cried. I think I did worse than she did. We came home, gave her the tylenol and she went to sleep. Sounds perfect doesn't it? It has been 24 hours since the appointment and she has yet to sleep longer than 2 hours at a time. The good news is that she has not been overly cranky, just waking up a lot.

Even with the off sleep schedule, we had a great evening. We ate a great dinner and settled onto the couches and spent the evening reading. It was wonderful. After getting JuneBug back to sleep at one point, we were commenting on how we are so lucky to have her and how we cannot believe she is ours. My husband said "It is like Christmas everyday!". I cannot imagine life without her. She is everything to us, and she is only 9 weeks old.

My Sweetie is dropping off portfolios as I compose this post. They look amazing. He is so talented. Even with being out of work, he has been in such better spirits (and he wasn't even in that bad of spirits to begin with) since leaving UT system. I am so proud of him.

As far as eating I have been spot on for two days, Sunday and Monday, and am doing really good today. I am using the current Flex plan and changing it only slightly to make it like the plan I lost my weight on in 1997.

Happy 2 Months Baby Girl!

Today my JuneBug is 2 months. I can't believe that it has been 2 months, the time has flown. Of course being at home, strange sleep schedules, and adjusting to life will do that. She is so much bigger than when I met her. I still cannot believe she is mine. My Sweetie and I are amazed by her daily. We are so happy that she is our's and so happy as parents. The photo on the right is JuneBug tonight in her bassinet. The one on the left is when she came home from the hospital. She is wearing the same hat in each. Sorry for the poor quality on the right. She has gotten so BIG!

Tomorrow marks a big day. She has her 2 month appointment. This is also marked with shots - I think this will be harder on my Sweetie than JuneBug.

This weekend was so much fun. Saturday was the party. My Sweetie, MIL, Niece, SIL's boyfriend, MotoDiva's DH (yes, they are working things out), and MotoDiva's DD all climbed the rock walls for an hour. BestFriend and her DH played pool and helped entertain Mom who was watching JuneBug. Then MotoDiva's DH and DD, DarkDiva's DH, SIL and her boyfriend, and my Sweetie and me all played laser tag. It was so much fun. Next thing we knew it was time for the after party.



My Sweetie and I rarely drink - although our bar would make people think differently, but the alcohol is very old. My Sweetie got TRASHED, as you can tell from the bottom photo!!! He is so funny drunk, very contemplative, rambles greatly, and is very set on expressing his feelings about our relationship and explaining how I am his life and how he dedicates everyday to being the man I deserve. Don't we look cute in the picture here? Being the sober one, although I did enjoy a few, I enjoyed this side of my Sweetie. And today he wasn't hurting too badly - nothing that some food and water couldn't cure.


I feel great and journaled my food intake today like a good girl. I feel so focused and in control right now. And although it is not as purple as I wanted, everyone seems to like my hair - yay.

Back to Weight Watchers

First, today was wonderful. We spent the morning relaxing and discussing the tattoos that we want. He loved my gift, a Think Different Poster

We packed up JuneBug and headed to the tattoo shop. We did not actually get any ink applied, but we talked with the artist and know what we want. Now it is just a matter of when.

After dinner with the family, I am here at my computer while my Sweetie plays his game. We had such a great day and I am feeling good.

Several people I know have rejoined Weight Watchers (WW) recently. This had me thinking that I should as well. Since the on-line version is cheaper, I decided to join.

Now this is the best part. I used my same login as before and they kept my old weigh ins. This is from 8/14/04, which is perfect. This shows my prepregnancy weight, my highest, as well as my weight when I got pregnant. I added all my weigh ins during pregnancy through this past Saturday. I consider my weight loss from my highest before pregnancy so I wanted to be able to see the numbers from last summer and such. Well, I pressed submit and my chart updated to show 23 pounds lost and my 10% loss obtained. This feels great. I am so motivated now. Of course, I am not going to start really watching everything until Sunday and I get a chance to go to the store, not to mention my Sweetie's party on Saturday. But I feel that it is a big step.

My first focus will be exercise and journaling my food intake. After I see how that works, I will start reducing my food intake. Bottom line is that I have 20 until I am at my first goal, and an overall 50 to lose. I can do this. With a husband who helps me build my confidence daily, I can do anything.

On a side note, I started reading the 5th book (not the newest one) on Sunday. I know it has been out for two years, but I was in the MBA program and busy reading other things. However, the problem is that I have not been working on my 30-days book because of Harry.

It is time to juggle.

Happy Birthday Sweetie!!!

Happy 30th Baby!!! You are the most awesome man in the world. Thank you for being my everything.

My Sweetie is in Business

It is official, you can purchase Specks items at Cafe Press.

Poor Cranky Bug

Yesterday marked 8 weeks since my JuneBug's arrival.

The day started with a cranky Bug during the night. She cried during the night, this almost never happens, she normally saves her screaming moments for the daytime. She even skipped a meal even though she woke up during the night. This set us up for a hard day. Lately she has been eating small amounts throughout the day. She was up to three oz at time with sometimes four. Lately she has been doing two and sometimes three - with eating more often.

Yesterday, she would nap for about 10 minutes, wake up crying and refuse to eat. Each time she fell asleep we hoped it would be for longer - but no. I needed to get out of the house and my Sweetie needed to drop a receipt off at MIL's work. I hoped the car ride would help JuneBug find a deep sleep. She could not sleep deeply while at MotoDiva's on Saturday either. The nice thing about Saturday was that when we got home we all ended up going to sleep for the night (other than waking up for feedings and such) and it was only 8:00. So we headed out. She was not happy about the car ride and proceeded to cry. She finally fell asleep as we made the exit for MIL's work. Due to our day with her, we didn't want to jink anything and my Sweetie ran inside while I stayed in the car with JuneBug.

The next step was my work. We hoped that the 20 minute drive would do Bug good. I had to go yesterday because I could no longer log in from home. It is great to get a message "your password has expired, please change it before loggin in". This means I have to go into work to change my password. The close to 30 minute nap was good for Bug. She woke up and even ate some when we arrived at my work.

Everyone was so happy to see us. It was their first chance to meet her. They all commented on her hair. The best part was all the compliments that I received. They all said that I look so good and that it looked like I was thinner than before getting pregnant. My Sweetie, who was holding JuneBug, smiled so big and said "she is, pregnancy is a great weight loss tool for her." Of course that led into saying I should have more babies to lose more weight, lol. So I went to my Cubicle to change my password. Several co-workers followed, of course. Within a minute of being in my cube my JuneBug started crying again. My Sweetie was so good and stepped out into the hallway to calm her down. The best part? The network was down, so I didn't even get to change my password. My Sweetie calmed her down and came back for my boss to meet her. They were impressed. I told everyone that I will see them at the end of the month.

We were able to eat a quick lunch and then got JuneBug home. She did not go back to sleep until 10:00. Until then she cried almost constantly and did not eat much. She woke up at 11, ate two oz and went to sleep for the night, over 4 hours even. Overall she only ate 80% of her normal intake.

Today has been much better.

Oh good news. We called the daycare on Monday to check in on the status of our application and such. The school we want has two openings - YAY. Not only that, she is going into the room we wanted. She will be a River Otter. This is the room I think she will love. Both would be good, but this one has more sunshine

Feeling Great

I am feeling great. I have been for days now. Saturday we packed up JuneBug and headed to MotoDiva to help her make a movie. This is for her to practice since she will be applying for the MFA program in film at UT. For the movie (I actually have a speaking part, scary) we needed three changes of clothing. She wanted business like clothing. I worried about this. While I know I weigh less I do not feel like I am smaller. Don't get me wrong, the lower the number on the scale has made me feel great. I have a favorite pair of black slacks. I tried them on 2 weeks after my JuneBug's arrival and they did not fit. I did not let this get to me. While I was deciding what to wear for the movie I knew I needed these pants. I figured I could wear a long shirt over to cover the too tight hips and belly.

I tried them on..... and they fit. I was happy. Then I remembered that they were too tight when I got pregnant. This made me feel great. I have been wearing more fitted t-shirts and such. One I bought before my 2003 b-day. I never wore it because I did not think that it fit correctly. I wore it on Friday. I knew I was a little smaller, but I thought it also went with my growing self confidence. After trying on the pants, I knew something else was going on, and it was good.

This morning I decided to measure myself. I have not done this since I was pregnant and wanted to see how my body was changing. The results were WONDERFUl. I am 21 pounds lighter, 1.5" smaller around my waist, 2" smaller around my hips, 1" smaller around each upper arm, 1" smaller below my breasts, 1" smaller around each thigh, and 1" smaller around each calf. Overall, I am a complete size smaller than when I got pregnant. This is fantastic. I feel wonderful. My high school reunion is still not planned. However, if I found out it was going to be tomorrow, I would go very proud.

I tell you, DarkDiva is correct, the best weight loss tool is being madly in love. I can't wait to see the changes in August when I actually start watching what I eat and make sure to exercise more.

All Dressed Up

Last night my Sweetie and I went to the culinary flavors of Austin for Cystic Fibrosis. My Sweetie does volunteer design work for the organization so our tickets were free. It was awesome. A chance to dress up and go on the town.

The food was very good. Many restaurants came and brought some delectable tastes. We walked around, bid on a silent auction, drank free wine and ate free food. It was for a great cause and something my Sweetie and I enjoy greatly.

The best part was the silent auction. We won the bid on two tickets to see Carmina Burana by Ballet Austin in the directors circle. This is something we planned to see anyway, now we have guaranteed good seats.

The evening is one we shall never forget.

One interesting thing did occur while we were there. We ran into one of my Sweetie's old co-workers. It was a little awkward, but my Sweetie didn't let it get to him at all.

I think over 7 weeks of a whacked out sleep schedule is getting to me, I am so tired. The worst thing is that I have no motivation to go to bed early. I have a month to get myself on a schedule, I know I can do it.

Between time, heat, plans, and rain; I did not work out yesterday or today. It is ok, I have to let go of the perfectionist side of me. I will do my best.

I know this post is short, enjoy the pictures that I posted. I love that Blogger lets you post pictures from your desktop now. This means a lot more pictures will be posted on my blog.

My Sweetie and JuneBug

I love this photo. We were at the grocery store. That is my Sweetie. There is nothing sexier than a father.

So Cute!

I finally figured out how to add photos. YAY. This is my JuneBug at 7 weeks.

Late Night Check In

I have not had a chance to post twice in one day for awhile. Yes, this counts as twice in one day since I have not gone to bed. I just finished day four of my book. It is about passion. I am so happy today. I have been all day. My heart feels full and golden. My passion for life and most importantly my Sweetie makes me want to dance and sing for everyone to hear. I know how lucky I am. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful family who love and care for my little girl. I have a man who will do anything to make me happy. I went walking tonight. This time I took along my Sweetie and my JuneBug. It was a great walk. This breaking in gently is driving me crazy. I did 22 minutes this time and wanted to go longer, but I know breaking in is best.

It is almost time for me to go to sleep. Man I have to get on a schedule before going back to work. I just feel so great. The journaling and assignments in my book are really giving me insight. The main thing is that I am learning very quickly how happy I am. I knew I was very happy. However, I did not realize the full extent with all areas of my life. So far, I highly recommend the book. The assignments take some time and thinking, but once complete, it makes me feel like I know myself a bit better.

Now to change the subject before I sound like I am trying to convert you to the self help world.

My Sweetie's newest craze is NeoPets. Yes, it is for kids. But we have a kid, doesn't that count? OK probably not, but it is quite addictive. It is neat to have something you have to care for, feed, and keep alive. HAHAHA not like we have anything else like that in our life right now. Speaking of which, JuneBug is sleeping good. She should be waking soon for a feeding.

I am simply so happy.

Self improvement, pumping decision, and family weekend

As I write this I have an angel on my chest. This is not out of the norm, but I felt I should mention it - as it makes me so happy.

Today my Sweetie is working on preparing his portfolio to find work. He keeps coming out of the computer room to kiss me and JuneBug.

Wow I have not written in a few days.

This past weekend was good. Friday night was dinner with Mom, Brother, and my little family. It was some good food. Saturday was MIL's b-day celebration. We packed JuneBug up and went to MIL's house. JuneBug did good and had a good combination of sleep and awake. Of course, everyone gave her the attention that she deserves. That night my Sweetie and I watched the Sarah McLachlan concert on DVD. It was a year since we saw her in person. Sunday Mom and I went out for a girls' outing. I got my hair cut, well trimmed and not cut. I had not cut my hair since becoming pregnant and it was time. Mostly I wanted it looking nice when I dye it next week.

I also worked out on Sunday. A little upper body weight training session. It felt great. I am really getting back into everything. I have to, after all Carnaval is not far away. DarkDiva is planning a wonderful costume for me.

I made the decision to quit pumping. Friday I went to pump and JuneBug was calm and happy. The minute I started the pump she started crying. My Sweetie took her to another room, out of earshot, and she calmed down. That was all I needed for my decision. I pumped Saturday morning and evening to relieve pressure and have not since. I must say it is wonderful. I have my body back. I am not living in 3 hour increments. I feel I am enjoying my daughter more. That is all that matters. Plus I have always loved that my Sweetie can help with the feedings. As of this morning, I was still leaking some, but have not been engorged or had any pain since Saturday. And I am happy to say that I am not feeling guilty about the decision. I feel very relieved. With pumping I was constantly reminded that I was not making enough. Now I can focus on all the more important things in life.

I cannot wait for Sweetie's party. I still have to finish his present. This weekend I actually made more work for myself - not in bad way, but Serif's gift also requires some work. Sweetie and I are also pretty close to deciding on tattoos. I cannot wait.

I am big on improving one's self. I have several "self help" type books. I decided to work on myself before I have to start studying for the CPA. The book I am working with is called "Change Your Life in 30 Days". Last night I finished day three. I think it is really helping. Day one is about being true to yourself, day two discusses acknowledging yourself, and day three is about confidence.

I am feeling good, no, I am feeling great. I can tell such a difference in myself from last year. I just have to smile. My life is good. Yes, things are a little more stressful with Sweetie out of work. However, I am not reacting the way I have in the past with a situation like this. I love being able to see personal growth. Of course there is no end to personal growth, hence the reason why I am working through this book now. I will keep everyone updated on my progress.

Short check in

I forgot to mention that as of late Wednesday night, I am wearing my wedding band again. WOOO HOOO.

Today I sent the e-mail for my Sweetie's 30th birthday. I hope everyone can make it. He is going to have quite a celebration: rock climbing, video games, tattoos, and adult beverages. Not to mention some sweet kisses from a young thing - my Junebug that is.

I have to sneak out of the house this next week to finish my Sweetie’s present. Hey since he is not reading my blog regularly maybe I should just say what I got him. Uuuuummmmm nope, not taking the chance.

I am in such a good mood today. I walked this morning and it felt great again.

This weekend we shall celebrate MILs birthday and try to find some romantic moments for ourselves.

Wildflower Center and Pumping Issues

Today was MIL’s b-day. I saw that the Wildflower Center had a special on frogs. So the family packed up (SIL, SIL’s boyfriend, Niece, MIL, Grandpa, Mom, Sweetie, JuneBug, and myself) and made the trek this evening.

It was exactly what my Sweetie and I expected. I cannot wait to go back. We are going to go back when the butterflies are the most abundant. I love that he and I share a love for places like this. I love that we know each other so well.

Having my Sweetie home has shown him a bit of what my life has been like for the last month. Weekends are different from weekdays. Today he got to experience the issues that I have had with pumping. He was playing his game, no a problem at all, but he got to see JuneBug get frustrated that the pump started going and then he got to see me try to console her in my lap while pumping. After witnessing the added frustration that this causes, none directly towards JuneBug – as I understand she does not understand, but in the process altogether, he suggested that it might be time to call it quits. Mom arrived after work to ride to the Wildflower center with us. She could see the frustration in my eyes and she suggested the same thing.

Now the only person I need to come to terms with is myself. I hate this. I am a great mom. I know it. Why should I let something like this make me feel like a failure? I grew up on formula and as BestFriend would say (Who was also formula) that I have a great big brain, so obviously there is nothing wrong with it. But I do feel like a failure. I knew from the beginning that I might have problems with breastfeeding; it is in my family history. But I honestly assumed that it would not be hard for me. Now it seems all I am doing is sitting and thinking that I should be pumping. And the 15 minutes is getting longer and longer. I think it is because JuneBug is awake more lately. My Sweetie is so wonderful and supportive. Bottom line is that he wants me happy.

So I have to get over this failure. My mom felt like a failure. I was able to give more breast milk to JuneBug than I received. This is a good thing. I need to focus on that. However, I feel like I “should” be able to pump what is needed. But to be honest, only being able to pump 30% of what she is eating now is very discouraging. Here lies the important decision. Once I let things dry up, it is gone. I have to get over this feeling of failure. If my Sweetie has no problem with JuneBug being on formula, then that is a big sign. I am not one of those women who carry around their pump all day long and 8 times a day stop their lives to sit and pump for 15 minutes. I just cannot seem to do that.

No decision is made yet. I have to think some more. Alas, I am going to go and pump while researching butterfly tattoos.

I'm Back!

Today I started working out again. A 20 minute walk did the trick and after a shower and taking over with JuneBug so my Sweetie can start his workout, I feel great. I have not walked on my own regularly since Feb 2004 when I completed the Motorola Half Marathon.

A little history. I started walking during highschool (along with riding my bike) and in college. I would walk sporadically until 2003. My Sweetie has always been supportive with my walking. When I joined Team in Training in August 2003, he knew I would be successful. He even walked with me during some of my weekday walks. Unfortunately, my walking did not continue after the half. This is not uncommon with long distance events. You train hard for an event and once it is over you find yourself a little lost. Between the half and now I only walked a few times. I wanted to walk more during my pregnancy, but with the horrible tendon pain, it was not an option.

When I walk with my Sweetie or by myself, is very different. I love walking with my Sweetie. We talk a lot when we walk and even have in depth conversations. We really bond during these walks. When I walk alone, it is very similar. I use the walking as therapy.

I started tonight for a few reasons. I received my 6 week clearance for being normal again (although I still need to bring up the whole perfect issue next appointment, LOL). I also want to start my exercising so I can get off antidepressants. But also I want to help my weight loss. I have not walked consistently since finding out about my thyroid - hence why I did not lose weight during marathon training. I am down 21 from my pre-pregnancy weight, my highest. I am only 19 from my first goal, my weight when my thyroid broke. I know that my thyroid is corrected through medication. I also know that I have to exercise to reach my first goal - medication cannot do it all.

So, I told my Sweetie that I am ready to start exercising again. He is so supportive and said that he wanted to watch JuneBug for me while I went walking. I walked for 20 minutes. I know it is a far cry from my 5.5 hour walking from before. However, one of the biggest issues with my marathon training was that I did not have an appropriate base to start training. So I was always trying to catch up. Since I want an appropriate base as well as to ease into exercise due to my surgery and lack of consistent exercise, I am starting slowly.

It felt GREAT. I kept a good pace and made sure to feel it, in spite of the short time. I decided while I was walking that my marathon for 2005 (I walked the Motive half in 2003, the Motorola half in 2004) will have to be having my JuneBug. I am going to focus on consistency, speed, and form until I finish testing for the CPA. The truth is that training for a marathon, even a half, is a time commitment. Studying for the CPA is a time commitment. Since I have my Sweetie and JuneBug who I want to spend time with, I only want one time commitment at a time. I should have a great base for the time that I am ready to begin training again.

I feel so confident. Today was a really good day. JuneBug and I hung out with my Sweetie. We helped him expunge the bad from UT. I am not sure what exactly made me feel so good today. I have only been on my meds for three days, so it should not be that, but who knows. I just feel so wonderful and sexy. While we were out today I even bought some hair color for my Sweetie’s birthday. I cannot wait to get inked and celebrate his birthday. Now the only question is what we are going to get. The idea right now is that we are going to get similar tats. I have to be careful. It seems every time I go into a tattoo parlor I get a piercing.

Now I must research tats.

UT System No More

Yesterday proved to be more interesting than anticipated. At 4:40 my Sweetie imed me saying that he was just let go. Long story short, his boss was out to get him. I know a lot of people say that, but in this case it is true. He was busting his ass for her lately and received no acknowledgement. He even worked late most days last week and went in on Sunday.

The good news is that we are doing great. We are not freaked or concerned about the whole event. We know things will work out, they always do. And luckily we have a good amount in savings so we are covered for a little while.

The main thing is that she cannot make him unhappy anymore. I am happy that his choice to leave was made for him. Now he can find the kind of job he wants. No matter what, I am here for him.

Last night we went to BestFriend’s house and she helped him compose a letter of rebuttal for the managers he worked with. She is such a great friend. Right now he is there giving his official resignation. Tonight I will take him to dinner to celebrate. No longer will he have to work with that awful manager.

Regardless of the actions of yesterday, my Sweetie has agreed to get a tattoo for his birthday. YAY.

Appointment and the need for ink

Today was my 6-week postpartum appointment. Can you believe it? My appointment was at 7:45 this morning. The idea was that my Sweetie would go with me to help with Serif. Unfortunately, he had an early meeting and could not make the appointment. Mom came by this morning and saved the day. Since the appointment was early, she was able to go into work late. This is easier for her than taking off during the day. My JuneBug was a little cranky so they stayed at the house while I went to the appointment on my own. It was the first time for me to go to the office alone. My Sweetie has always been with me. The nurses and doctor said I look great. I am down a few more pounds, but I knew that due to my home scale. Overall, I am down 21 from my pre-pregnancy weight. The nurse looked at my incision and could not believe how good it looks, she said it did not look new at all. The doctor came in and also looked at my incision and said he was so happy. He declared me normal again. I laughed and said “that is only true if I was ever normal”. I forgot to ask if this meant I am no longer perfect, lol.

The doctor sat down in front of me, he is a very hands on doctor, and asked how I am doing and if I have any questions. I told him that I am suffering from some depression. He said “ok”. He gave me a hug and told me how proud he was for me to tell him something hard like that. He said it is the most under-diagnosed problem. He said that he believes that Tom Cruise’s comments (stupid son of a bitch comments if you ask me, but I am hormonal) actually did more good then Tom ever expected because with everyone reacting and so mad at him it caused much discussion. I know on my expecting board (even though now we all have had our babies) there are so many women saying “hey me too.” I told him that in no way are my feelings going towards my JuneBug. He told me that is important to know. He gave me another couple of hugs and a prescription. I go back in two months. My goal is to try and get off the meds then, we shall see.

I am proud of myself. I hate the meds but I think I need them until I get an established exercise routine and begin journaling. Now that I had my 6-week check up I can start exercising without my Sweetie worrying so much. I am feeling so good today. I feel in control.

I go back to the doctor on September 20th. That is going to be a hard day. My plan is to call in sick that day, go to my appointment, and spend the day with my mom shopping. For those who do not remember, this day marks 8 years since losing my dad. Hard to believe we are only two months away from this point. Two months from today marks when my Sweetie and I created life. We are going to celebrate that whole weekend. Days that good, life altering days like that wonderful Saturday, must be celebrated.

Today I was out with my JuneBug, running errands and doing reseach got my Sweetie’s 30th b-day present. I stopped for lunch at Wendy’s and there was a butterfly where you place your order. This made me want my butterfly tattoo so badly. Now that I am not pregnant I can go ahead with it. I want a butterfly. Still trying to decide if I want the small yellow one or the big one on my lower back. My Sweetie likes the idea of both, especially the lower back. For those who do not know, he is a butt man. I am going to see what my Sweetie can do design wise for my tattoo. He has never designed a tattoo before, but I feel confident that he will come through with flying colors. Now I must get some ink on him.

I have a question

In life, there are few moments that require extreme consideration, planning, and ending with a big question. It seems as life progresses these moments become less and less. For example; being asked to go steady with a cute boy at 15, the big question of a marriage proposal at 20, and asking to have a baby at 27. These are the questions that I have been asked. However, there are questions I have to ask, questions that I have to consider deeply, questions that provide moments of anticipation as to the answer that will be provided.

Today provided one of these rare, but highly important occasions. After months of waiting for the day to arrive, we finally had our optimal moment. Best Friend and her husband came to spend the day with us. We had the best time with an early dinner and the girls and boys splitting up (other than JuneBug who went with the boys) and did some shopping. We met back at the house to enjoy some company and to watch a movie. This was the moment. It finally arrived. While my Sweetie could not wait 5 minutes longer, the only harm was that I was pumping at the time. However, it was still perfect. After asking James to come into the living room, he was in the dining room, my Sweetie decided to use an otter stuffy to do his biding. The stuffy asked one if the biggest questions for our JuneBug. We asked the Kerseys to be the Godparents to our first born. The best part was that they said YES. We are so happy. It is a wonderful feeling to know that these important roles are filled. Now all we have to do is the morbid part, the will.

I am very sentimental these days, so be prepared with my posts. Today is no exception. I am so grateful to have such wonderful friends. I know that I had to have horrible and backstabbing best friends in order to appreciate the best friend that I have now. I will be forever grateful of the person that BestFriend has helped me to become. My confidence is higher because of her, as well as my knowledge of strange and random items of humor.

Today was a wonderful day. Our family is even more complete and real.

Will she return to the scene of the crime and repeat?

I try to be a positive person. But the truth is that I have been experiencing some depression. Luckily, my Sweetie is so supportive and wants to make it all better. Last night and this morning were rough. I am lucky that my depression has never been the kind that makes me want to harm myself or others. I have done research and discovered that I do not have postpartum depression – that is a relief. I just have my normal chemical issues.

Well the best thing for depression, for me at least was a perfect little girl peeing all over her receiving blanket and carpet while I was changing her diaper. It was my fault, I didn’t have the new diaper under her in time. The funny thing is that she did not have a wet diaper when we went in but I wasn’t sure. I had the old diaper and new diaper next to each other, the reason why the new one wasn’t under her, and comparing. I was still looking at the diaper when I said “you didn’t pee”. When I looked up at her, she peed. Yes, she smiled the whole time.

Another thing that brought me out of my funk was reading past love notes from my sweetie. He loves me so much. I am so lucky to have him.

Speaking of him. Next month is his 30th b-day. I will invite everyone once we nail down what he really wants to do. However, that isn’t what made my day. The big present, part of at least, for my Sweetie for his 30th b-day, planned ahead for months and months, came today. WOOHOO. I have much relief.

I want this b-day to be perfect for him. Things are so different than last year. This year we are a family, we are happier than ever, and we are stronger than ever. Not to mention 30 isn’t just any b-day. This involves thinking, planning, and much attention.

I love him so much and this is a chance to show him.

Feeling Good

Today my JuneBug was a little grumpy so we opted out of the lunch with co-workers. Instead, we met with my Sweetie for lunch. We had a great time while JuneBug slept. After our lunch we made a trek to my school.

The goal – to pick up my diploma.

I had several women stop and admire my angel. They commented on how beautiful she is. When I reached the appropriate floor the woman that I was speaking with on the elevator asked if I was there to get my diploma. When I said yes, she said that I had that look.

When the guy at the desk asked if my diploma looked correct, I almost started crying. It is the most beautiful piece of paper ever. After our successful journey JuneBug and I headed home for a much needed nap. She is my favorite napping buddy now – shhhh don’t tell my Sweetie.

I am so proud of myself. Now I have to find a frame. I am hanging this diploma.

This is not my beautiful house

Ever have one of those days? The kind where you wake up and cannot believe your life is yours?

That is what happened to me today. I woke up to my family and was overtaken by how much I love these two people. Aftter my Sweetie left for work my JuneBug and I then settled on the couch to go back to sleep. We slept for four hours with the only break as a short feeding. When we decided we had enough sleep –this was mutual – we started our day. While we were still lying on the couch I looked at my angel. I cannot believe she is mine. I cannot believe such a perfect little person came from me. She is wonderful. Even when she cries I know she is perfect. I don’t know what my Sweetie and I did to deserve such a wonderful and beautiful baby. Apparently we did something right.

I watch her in her swing. She is happy. I cannot imagine my life without her. I love her so much. I love my Sweetie so much.

I just cannot believe that this is my wonderful life. It is times like this where I have complete faith.

Today marks 5 weeks

Yesterday was a good day. JuneBug was cranky again, but still my angel. JuneBug started crying before my Sweetie left for work. He picked her up from our bed and told me that he would calm her and bring her back. He is so wonderful and adores her so much. My Sweetie had to work late again so I had my mom come by after work to relieve me so I could take a shower. That was exactly what I needed. She stayed and we chatted for a couple of hours. It was very nice.

It is not so bad when my Sweetie works late since we can IM throughout the evening. When he got home, he was in the best mood and felt very accomplished. He gave JuneBug and me wonderful attention. Before he got home, I gave her a bath and had her waiting for him in her PJs asleep. He hugged and kissed both of us so much.

Today has been another cranky day. Her nights are good, just during the day she has been crying a lot. I am determined to find what she needs – it is hard when she can’t talk yet. I hope her new swing will help during the day. I have to admit the fact that my and my Sweetie’s arms make her happy makes me happy.

The best thing that my Sweetie “said” to me today was an im that said, “How are my two perfect girls today?” That made me smile.

Our life has changed so much in 5 weeks – for obvious reasons. And I think we have adapted very well. I know of couples that put their marriage on the back burner with a new baby. I do not believe that is the case for us. We are intimate and passionate. We are a team. It makes me so happy.

We are so happy with our family. You can actually hear the happiness in my Sweetie’s voice. Of course, this was true during the pregnancy as well.

Tonight we went to target to purchase some pants for my Sweetie. We had a good time. I love to watch my Sweetie in public with our little one. He is such a good father. We have decided to start perhaps looking into purchasing a microwave. I know I am excited about the potential jump into the 20th century. The truth is that we had a microwave since 1997 when we moved in together. However, it died in late 2003 and was never replaced.

I chatted with co-workers today. JuneBug and I are planning a trip to my work on Thursday. I will be in the area due to picking up my diploma – YAY!!! Two of my favorite co-workers and I are going to lunch. I hope JuneBug is up for it.

Alas it is time for me to snuggle in with JuneBug and my Sweetie.

Motherhood

Sunday morning:
I am the only one in my house awake. On my chest is an angel sleeping. On the couch is my husband. In the background is some smooth music. I am hungry, thirsty, and need to pump. Yet I stay where I am. This is motherhood. I had no idea what a difference pregnancy would make on me. Then I had no idea about motherhood. I make sure I eat and drink – I have to take care of myself. However, a common theme in my house now is “after….”. This means, “I will eat after Serif eats”. You can exchange “after Serif eats” for “after I pump” or “after I get her to sleep’ etc….. I am not complaining. I adore this job.

The one issue I have is regarding to my milk supply. I am very lucky to have a great support group. My mother understands. Unfortunately, at the time, the doctor told her when she did not create enough for me that supplementing (like I do) was not worth it. Luckily, things have changed and we know that any breast milk at all gives benefits. Along with my Mom is my Sweetie who told me that the feeding decision (breastfed vs. formula) is my decision. My third greatest support system is my exclusively pumping board. There are many of members who have the same situation as I do, low production and latching issues. While I know this support system is wonderful, I still have many feelings of guilt and failure regarding the feeding of my daughter. I am working on this daily. I know that I am a good mom. I know there is nothing wrong with formula – I grew up on it. I really am working on it.

My boards suggest Fenugreek to help increase supply. I am using this – but not sure if it is helping. They also suggest longer pump times – but that is hard. Stopping to pump during the weekday is hard – especially when Serif needs me to hold her. Another suggestion is oatmeal. However, it has to be real oats and not the instant kind. I bought some at the store today and will try it. I worry about the medication option. You see the makers of the medication do not endorse it for increasing breast milk supply. It is a side effect. There are many women on my board who take it and found their supply to double in some cases. We shall see. I think I will still talk to my doctor, but I would rather increase naturally if possible. However, I refuse to obsess or spend my entire day pumping.

Sunday night:
I need to start my walking. My goal is 30 minutes a day to start with. I need to do this for so many reasons. I want to get back to long distance walking. However, right now that doesn’t make much sense due to taking care of Serif and pumping. I am now 20 less than when I got pregnant. WOO HOO! I have not been this weight since 2002. My first goal is 20 more pounds. This puts me where I was before my thyroid broke. This is very doable.

Tonight I went to the grocery store after dinner to get some icecream – lite for me since I am so happy with the weight loss. My Sweetie wanted to watch an Anime and had our JuneBug on his chest. Since he has to work tomorrow, and time is limited for him on work nights, I volunteered to go to the store. This was my first outing without Serif. This was also the first time my Sweetie was left alone with her. I did so good. I was not worried at all. I even took my time and returned energized. He did wonderfully and not only took care of her but read her a story.

I am so very lucky to have such a wonderful husband. Once again, this weekend was “his time” for taking care of our little one – at his insistence. I do not mind at all. I love that he is this hands on – it also means I get to sleep a bit more on weekends.

Speaking of weekends, we had a great weekend. Friday night we picked up the pictures of our JuneBug. Saturday was my Mom’s b-day. We enjoyed a laid back day with family and friends. Today consisted of sleeping in and the grocery store. All in all it was a great weekend.

One Month and Ego Boosts

Happy One Month Miss Serif Bug. Today has been very eventful. After sleeping in, my JuneBug and I got all pretty and headed to the mall. I knew I wanted photos taken of her today. We lucked out and got an appointment only 45 minutes after we arrived. That is good considering I simply did a walk-in. Due to some of the poses having me in them, and me not planning for this, I went and bought a shirt during our wait. The funny thing is that they used a drape for me so it was not needed. We got about 6 different poses. Serif was cranky throughout the experience. However, the photographer was very patient. Of course, she calmed down as soon as the shoot was complete. The proofs were ready by 4:00 but I wanted my Sweetie to pick the ones he likes so we will go tomorrow night for our final decisions.

Then enters Frap-boy. As Serif and I were leaving the mall, a guy was walking around with frapachino samples. He walked out of his way to come to Serif and I, and did not offer us a sample as I was drinking a diet coke. However, he lingered after I was bent over tending to Serif. You see, the shirt I bought shows off my uhm.., well, Serif’s food producers very well. I did not realize this until after our conversation. He watched as I tended to Serif and then came even closer and proceeded to tell me how much he loves babies and asking me her age and such. He was totally hitting on me. It was great. I wonder what else he would have said if I wasn’t wearing my new ring – heehee. Now I know if I need an ego boost and a caffeine fix where I should go. I wonder if he works Fridays grin.

My ego was sky high. When I got home my bug decided to take a nap and I wanted to check e-mail and such. I use IM a lot at work and have my co-workers on my contact list. The co-worker who would like to be my boyfriend came on and chatted with me. Nothing bad discussed – remember it is work and I did have a baby in my lap. He asked about my girl and made a couple of compliment comments to let me know he is still interested. This should not shock me as he continued to flirt while I was pregnant. Nothing will ever happen with him – for so many reasons and I am honest with him about this. However, he is a nice guy and I don’t mind a compliment here and there. I told him that he has been replaced by Frap-boy. He did not approve.

Our evening was pretty uneventful due to my Sweetie working late. However, we did chat on-line and on the phone throughout the evening. I love seeing “UT System” on caller ID.

Then came the night. At 10:00, I sent an IM to my Sweetie asking if he ever had dinner. He is bad about working late and not eating. He said he was starving so I packed up my computer and my baby and we headed to Sweetie’s work to bring him dinner. Serif is sleeping in a chair next to me while my Sweetie works across the desk from me. I hope I am not distracting him. I am in a good mood. I don’t mind the time – I can sleep whenever Serif sleeps tomorrow.

My angel is so beautiful. I know everyone is tired of hearing this, but it is true. I am amazed by her daily. I cannot believe how much I love her. I cannot believe how great it is to be a mom.

This is getting long. I will end this. If I have more to say, I will start a new post.

Random Thoughts

Today I am just going to do some free writing, meaning that I am going to write what comes to mind regardless of if it makes sense. This is a tool for self discovery as well as therapy.

As I type this, my JuneBug is lying on my lap wide awake. She has the most beautiful eyes. It is amazing to have a daughter. So much is different from last year. I am so happy.

I have not started exercising yet. I hope to this week. Of course, my clearance only came yesterday. It is hard during the day. Serif takes so much of my time with feedings and pumping. She was doing good with the shield. However, she still was not getting enough food. Then she got smart and decided to not use the shield. We shall keep trying. At least she is still getting my milk. I think I will talk to my doctor at my 6-week appointment about increasing my supply using medicine. She is so beautiful, so perfect. Now she naps.

My maternity leave is 1/3 of the way complete. I cannot believe it. Tomorrow is my co-worker’s b-day. I may go to the company lunch with Serif. It would be a nice way to introduce her to everyone. Tomorrow is also her one month b-day. I want to get professional photos done. I hope I can get in.

Last night I spent the evening working on work. I don’t mind, it means that I am needed. We also watched Magnolia. That was one strange and long movie. Not our kind of movie at all. It wasn’t even the content that was the issue, it was the delivery.

I realize that I did not write about the 4th of July. We had a great day. The day consisted of Mom, MIL, Grandpa, SIL (husband’s sister), niece, SIL’s boyfriend, Brother, SIL (brother’s wife), and my little family. We enjoyed BBQ and many many fireworks. My Sweetie is such a pyromaniac. Some don’t know this. His two favorite holidays are the 4th and Halloween. If only we shot off fireworks for Halloween, then he would be in heaven. We had a great time and did not get to bed until very late.

I love my new ring. I wear it on my wedding finger due to still not being able to wear my wedding band. It is funny. I can wear all my old clothes and my feet did not grow as they have with friend’s of mine. However, the tell tale that I was pregnant is my ring size, my stretch marks, and my slightly loose lower belly. I would like for my ring size to go back so I don’t have to resize my wedding band. I know that my belly will firm, in fact it is getting better everyday. As far as my stretch marks, I love them. They are proof that this angel was in my belly and that I wasn’t simply dreaming. They are proof that my Sweetie and I made her. Back to the ring. You would think it was a new engagement ring with how much I love it. I look at it all day. It is not expensive or anything like that. It is just a ring my Sweetie wanted me to have. It makes me so happy.

What else is in my Brain today? Mom is stopping by after work so we can all go to ToysRus. This should be fun.

I Love This Man

Our weekend was so fantastic. Friday night Brother, SIL, and Mom came over to hang out with us and we had very interesting discussions. I never know where the conversations with my brother will end up.

Saturday was our first family weekend day. The first weekend we brought her home, the second we went to the grocery store, and last weekend consisted of out of town guests and making the 48 hour movie. So yesterday we had a blast. We went to the mall. We took Serif to her first trip to the Apple Store. YAY. We also went to James Avery and my Sweetie bought me a ring that he has been looking at for many months but wanted to wait until after Serif’s arrival to purchase due to sizing. I love it. It is so beautiful. We came home and after a family napping experience decided to watch the “The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” We loved it. It is totally awesome, exactly our kind of movie. I am so glad we bought it sight unseen. After the movie we stayed up until 3am discussing the ideas in the movie. In case you don’t know, the movie is about erasing memories. We both decided that we would not want to erase any of our memories, even the horrible ones. This goes back to the whole idea that our actions and our past put us where we are today.

Today has been very productive with the normal grocery store outing. This time our JuneBug was awake for almost the whole trip. She was so good and took everything in. After our outing we brought my Mom back to our house and proceeded to get ready for our first date since Serif’s arrival. She was so wonderful and watched our princess while we went out. We saw Howl’s Moving Castle. We love all of Hayao Miyazaki’s movies. This one was no different and met our expectations. The best part was that it was subtitled and not dubbed – we prefer this option. After the movie, we went to Cheesecake Factory for dessert. This was very romantic. I even enjoyed an adult beverage. My Sweetie stopped me while I was talking and told me that he loves me so much. It melted my heart. While it was hard to leave my little one, I had the best time. This weekend was filled with things that are very much my Sweetie and me. It makes me so happy. Weekends like this remind me how obvious it is that my Sweetie and I are soul-mates.

Today my Sweetie and Brother went and bought fireworks. This should be quite a show for my JuneBug’s first 4th of July.

I go to bed tonight very happy - actually quite blissful.

Life is good.

Perfect Outings

The most wonderful thing to wake up to is a newborn’s face, a face like fresh untouched snow, perfection in every inch. When her eyes open, a grin comes over her face and we start our day. She wakes me with this smile everyday instead of crying. I know this could change at any moment so I am going to enjoy

After three weeks, we are getting into a routine. The best part is at night. As soon as my Sweetie comes home, he takes over. He loves to hold her, kiss her, and even change her diaper. He is such a great father. Yesterday morning while he was getting ready for work and Serif and I slept, he took a picture of us because we were so cute.

Yesterday I went on an outing with my JuneBug. We got my car registration and proceeded to Serif’s first outing to the mall. This was also my first time to take her out in her stroller. It was perfect. We did some shopping, some walking, and we were very productive. After such a wonderful outing, we came home and enjoyed a nap.

Today was another big outing day. We had lunch with my Sweetie for the first time. We took her to our normal place, Pok-e-Joes. After, we made a quick trip to Mom’s work and ending out outing at Target. We had so much fun. I love taking her outside.

Today was a big step for us. While at Target I bought a nipple shield – cannot find the one from the hospital – and she never used it. However, I have had the urge to get one since last week. I did not know that Target would sell them and thought I would have to make the trek to BabiesRus. Well, I bought one and came home to give it a try. She nursed on me for 10 minutes. WOO HOO!!!! I am such a happy mommy. It has been a rough start, but I am not giving up. This is huge. My Grandmother did not produce milk. My mom did not produce enough and formula fed me. I want Serif to grow strong with my milk.

I am in such a great mood today. I am beyond happy. This weekend is going to be wonderful. I bought Serif a new little outfit for the fourth – just in case the outfit I picked out does not fit yet.

I am so excited to start working out next week. I am going to focus on walking and stretching. I am just so happy to be less than I was when I got pregnant. And it appears I have lost even more. I will keep everyone updated on my progress.

Oh and I heard back from the TSBPA – CPA testing board. My deadline for testing is the end of this year. I was worried about being able to take all four sections in this time-frame. Well my worries are no more, I only have to take ONE part before the end of the year, then I have another 18 months to take the following three parts. YAY. I can do that. I am hoping to start studying next week but don’t have to get serious until September. That is the best news as I am still adjusting to our new lifestyle.

This weekend is going to be wonderful. We are going to spend time with our little family as well as extended family. Tomorrow should be interesting, as this will be our first Saturday as just the three of us.

I hope everyone has a happy and safe holiday weekend.