Goodbye 2008 - Hello 2009

Holiday Pic
Originally uploaded by daisymouse

This year the focus was to give up control. Oh how this was the focus for the whole year. From the amazing second honey moon to which I had no control in planning to accepting that fertility is yet another thing out of my control. Sometimes things are not meant to be.

This year was also wonderful in other areas, don't get me wrong. Sweetie and I grew closer together with the highs and lows of the year. I am very grateful for the point we are at now. I also am very proud of passing the first of four tests for CMA, next test scheduled Feb 28th.

I am excited about this next year. I plan to bring it in the best way possible, with Sweetie, Bug, Mom, MIL, and Niece. There will be games and fun. Let's only hope I can stay awake late enough to see the New Year.

I hope everyone have a safe and happy New Year Eve/Day!

Bring on 2009 - I am ready!

I forgot

How did I forget? Sweetie got his RosettaStone Japanese language. He wanted this for the longest time. He completed the second lesson yesterday and is in love with the program. And since he is a user on the wiifit he added me as a user for his. Not sure when I will have time to use it as my studies for the second test for CMA start next week. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS and all that

That time of year is upon us again. Another Christmas has come and gone. This year was odd. The season went too quickly to do all we wanted, people were missing from the fun, and I fought my own sadness. But I did what Christmas is all about for me, focus on family and friends. Sweetie and I spent this week cleaning. The house had been neglected in a bad way. In no way were we ready for a white glove inspection, but it made me feel so good. SIL is right, having people over is the best motivation to keep a house clean.

Christmas Eve was so much fun. I had to work for a few hours but nothing horrible. I had to even go back in so I took Bug with me. That was fun. Of course our weather was warm and she and I enjoyed the windows down on the ride, too funny. Christmas Eve was at our house this year. We enjoyed a scavenger hunt of sorts, making our own sparkling sodas, decorating cookies, homemade waffles, and opening presents. It was exhausting and fun.

Christmas Day was laid back. Due to Brother moving we decided to do things differently. Instead of full dinner we had sandwiches. It was fun and relaxing. Sweetie got me a WiiFit for Christmas, thanks to his best Elf helper BestFriend. I started playing it today. AWESOME. It is fun. I plan to use it with my walking. I don't know why but it seems that I feel more accountable with the wiifit than just weight watchers. Perhaps it is because Sweetie can see my progress on the TV.

Along the same lines we are talking about waiting to try for #2 until I lose some weight. We want to take care of any risks that we can. I am not waiting to be at goal weight, we are wanting to get a move on - lol. However my goal is to lose enough to get into the overweight category and not obese. As I say this we might change the plans if at any given moment. Speaking of health and all that, I am finally feeling better. I got on another antibiotic on Monday and I think finally I am kicking this sinus infection/cold that has lingered for over a month. So that is good.

So you might be wondering where are the Christmas pictures. There is an awesome story which goes with that. You see I need to upload my pics from two cameras. Yes, two. Santa brought me a Nikon D200. So half of the pictures are on my normal camera and half on the new one. I love the new one even though I am still learning how to use it.

OK back to enjoying the long weekend. I hope everyone had a great Christmas.

thyroid

Well thyroid is normal. That is good. I know it is. So I don't know what is going on. Perhaps it is just sadness over loss, perhaps it is me going crazy. Who knows. What I do know is that my focus is going to be exercising again and eating right. It is something I can do where I have control. 

In other news I have so much to do this weekend before Christmas Eve next week. It will all get done, just need some focus.

Feeling Better

The Christmas party was fun last night. It was nice to relax and enjoy the food. Today Sweetie and I took off from work and did Christmas shopping. Good company, cracking people up, giving to charity, buying Bug the item's she asked for, and letting go helped a lot today. 

Tomorrow is the Nutcracker. I am so looking forward to it. Sunday is the Jingle Bell 5k. 

I decided that since I don't have control right now to simply try to let go, yes easier said than done. But it seems to be helping. 

I am doing better and that is the main thing. 

hard day

I am having a hard day. Not sure why. Hard in a way that I am not talking about it. Not myself. Sure I can fake it when around others, but once they walk away, I am in tears. I don't know if it is everything that has happened recently, me losing my mind or if my thyroid has come undone. I am lacking focus. I am not studying, gave myself permission to take the holidays off so not really putting it off. I am swamped at work, nothing bad, busy is always good. I like the changes that are happening in my department. Sure there are things I would like to change and some things I am still waiting to see how they will turn out. My cubicle is moving soon and I don't know what that will mean. I get visitors now. I can keep working while they visit, but it makes me happy. I tend to be a bear about work - I go into my den and do my work and don't come out very often. My new cube is outside my boss's office. And while I love him I believe him right there will drive away my friends. Tomorrow is the company Christmas party and honestly I am not looking forward to it.

I have not been eating right or exercising. The weather isn't good for my walking. I hate walking when it is freezing. I keep telling myself to do something inside, but the momentum is not there. The house is a mess, no motivation. And I am so tired. I have been so tired for like a month. Honestly I consider taking a nap during lunch, I think about bedtime when I get off work. Blah. Maybe the diet and exercise is all I need.

So I have some other issues that makes me think my thyroid is off. TMI kind of stuff - let's just say changing cycles. Anyway, Sweetie being as awesome as he is told me "so?" when I told him I think my thyroid is off. Which is true. We roll with the punches.

Thyroid being off scares me. Not for the RAI. I already decided that if I go Graves' again I will get it. But if it is hyper and I get the RAI that means another 6 months of waiting to try for baby #2. Honestly that isn't the biggest thing. I worry more that it isn't off and that I am just crazy. If it is off then I can be corrected and feel normal. Right now I feel better in some ways but I am feeling off. Something is off.

Next week is Dr apt week. I have my ENT follow up to find out if my nose is better. I have my 6 month teeth cleaning - fingers crossed for no cavities. And I have a derm appt. Why not share it, I have had a spot on my hip that appears around Aug 2005. It grew and stopped and several others have cropped up. We were focused on the thyroid so this got pushed to the side. And I know I am slow sometimes, but this past weekend I decided I was going to finally go in. I was kind of rehearsing about the symptoms when I realized that my Graves' appeared at the same time. This is not like the skin condition that comes alongside Graves'. But what worries me is that it is also autoimmune related. I am not worried about it being life threatening, I know it isn't cancer or anything. But more like what I said above, not liking the idea of having to wait another 6 months. I will do it without hesitation to be healthy - of course. I don't want to take any chances next time.

I just feel out of control. As Mom and I say, we can handle anything as long as we know about it.

Thank you, getting it all out there has helped a lot. Sweetie is awesome and doing anything he can to cheer me up and Bug is amazing as always and gets me to laugh. I just need to do a little me work.

CIMG8117

CIMG8117
Originally uploaded by daisymouse

Erin and myself before the race. We always take a picture like this.

Things are as crazy as normal in my world. We got the tree up on Saturday night but finally decorated it last night. Bug is so much fun this year. I love it. I just want to soak up every second with her.

This weekend was BestFriend's b-day. We had some one on one time on Saturday - much needed with great fun. Sunday was a group playing pool and going to see JCVD. It is such a good movie. Nothing like I expected. And seeing it at the Alamo Ritz downtown was very awesome.

The best part of the night was driving home, all five of us in the car. I see a sign for an insurance company.
Me: "Acceptance insurance, I don't think I would want an insurance company named acceptance"
BF: "What about Rapture Insurance?"
Me: "Is there Rapture Insurance?"
Shawn: "Yes, Jesus"
Come on that was funny, you know it. It was like a script sooo funny. I was crying with laughter.

We walked the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning - yep all 5 miles. Sweetie ran with BestFriend and MIL walked with me and Bug - who was in a stroller. It was fun. There were some nasty hills, but it was fun. Next 5k on the radar is the Jingle Bell.

Thanksgiving was at SIL's MIL's. This is the first year since 1998 that I did not host some sort of Thanksgiving feast. It was very different. I didn't think I was that big on the parade but seeing it made me feel like Thanksgiving. The walk was good for us and I would like to keep up the tradition. But missing the parade was a little sad. That and not having my Sweetie smell like smoke. He always smells the best at Thanksgiving. I think I might have to make him smoke something for Christmas on these even years where we don't have Thanksgiving but have Christmas Eve. That and with Brother not here, it was just different.

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving! This year is filled with much thanks. This has been a hard year and I am coming through it stronger. I am thankful for my health and strive with the new year to improve it even more. I am thankful for my Sweetie. He is my everything. Our relationship has gotten even stronger through this year. My friends are amazing. They know when to step back and when to step in and come over without calling. There are many friends that I wish I had seen more of recently, but lives are busy. The part I am thankful for is that I know when I need them, they are on call. I am thankful for BestFriend. She is my rent-a-sister. She trusts me and believes in me like no one else. I am thankful for Bug and Mom for much of the same reasons, they give me hope, make me feel safe, and take care of me. All of my family and friends are amazing. I am thankful for the family in town, miss the family out of town, and feel very lucky for the friends that I have met over the internet.

This Thanksgiving is SIL's MIL's. It will be completely different than others. For one, since we are not hosting we are able to attend the Turkey Trot. That is right. Instead of sleeping in we are getting up and getting together with BestFriend and MIL and walking 5 miles. WOO HOO. Since Brother moved and will not be with us this year, I am happy that it will be so different.

This whole Thanksgiving week, really week and a half has been great: organizing, bachelorette party, seeing Thomas, bowling with BestFriend, sushi with Jim, seeing Cirque Jungle Dreams with family, seeing Thomas again, making dessert for tomorrow, tomorrow is the walk and dinner, Friday is P from work's wedding, Saturday is girl time with BestFriend, and Sunday is movie and pool with BestFriend to celebrate a special day - it is the one day out of the year that isn't her unbirthday - heehee.

I am thankful for my life. The good, the bad, and the ugly makes me who I am. And, quite frankly, I think I am pretty cool.

Please keep praying for Deb. She is fighting hard but is missing her 8 year old daughter this Thanksgiving.

May everyone have a happy and safe Thanksgiving. And a special warm wish to Brother. May it feel warmer than the 22 degrees forecasted.

Send Prayers

Deb, the cancer ass kicking queen of the universe, needs our help. She has relapsed and once again is fighting Leukemia. Please send prayers to her and her daughter.

This is scary.

Please everyone donate blood, donate plasma, get on the bone marrow registry. Do what you can. You never know who you are going to help.

Right now Deb needs our help, debutaunt.com .

Other great links
Leukemia Lymphoma Society
Team in Training

Another edition of bullet point update

• I had a great b-day. It was relaxing just like I wanted.
• On Friday I got a stomach virus and was throwing up for 14 hours. It was no good. We left for the Ren Fest that evening - yes while I was still sick. I had to go. I didn't want to miss the time with the family. I felt better Saturday morning and enjoyed the remainder of our weekend.
• It was very cold for Bug's first camping experience. And even with that Sweetie and I are looking at tents, I want to camp more. Bug was a pro. She did great the whole time. No accidents or problems sleeping.
• Monday was my Dad's b-day. As tradition states, Mom and I took off and started our Christmas shopping. We were very successful and had a great time.
• Today was Bug's Thanksgiving dinner at her school. It was a ton of fun. Sweetie and I went and Bug was thrilled. I love hanging out with my little friends.
• Tomorrow is the last trash pick up before Thanksgiving. And while I am not hosting, I am using this as an opportunity to get the kitchen in tip top shape. Let's see if it works.
• This weekend is Christmas decorating. I cannot wait. I love this season. And Bug is big enough to REALLY be into it.

Happy B-Day TO ME

Today is my b-day. Right now I am at Mom's waiting on our guests to arrive. Today has been wonderful. Waking up to a text from BestFriend, cards from Sweetie and Bug, cookies delivered to work, and beautiful weather.

So far 32 rocks. Half my life ago I got my drivers license. My brother took me - it meant so much that he did that for me. Today I found myself back at the DPS, 16 years later renewing. It made me think back and smile.

There has been so much drama lately. I am happy that I can be there as support during all of this, but mostly, it makes me very grateful for my life. Although busy, and boring, is mine and good.

I just hope everyone who needs help, finds it. PLEASE!!!

we are all connected

First, my weekend was wonderful. Friday was a romantic date night. We used the remaining gift certificates from Sweetie's Halloween winnings last year. It made a $155 meal only $18. Woo hoo!
Saturday was my b-day gift from Bug, Madagascar 2. It was a fun movie. She slept through part of it. Fine by me as she was in my arms.
Sunday was brunch with Jim and in the evening was bowling with BestFriend. Bug beat me. Of course she had bumpers up and I didn't. All in fun, right?
We had quite a packed weekend.

This weekend was also good in a different way. A friend of mine had a miscarriage. I was able to send her my support and tell her that I understand. I hope it helped a little. I know it helped me when so many women told me that they had been through it as well.

Tonight and tomorrow night are busy as we prepare the house for the cable guy to come. Not only does it need a deep cleaning anyway, but we are finally getting cable. We have been without it since like 2001. We are adding it to save money. I know sounds so funny. So now we have to make room for a cable box.

Then my B-day. I am doing it very different this year. Since it is midweek, I am not having everyone over. I know it can be a pain to go someplace after work and then worry about getting home in time for bed. So I am declaring my b-day celebration on the weekend. We are going to Ren Fest this weekend anyway, what better time to celebrate. Plus we will be camping, so much fun!! So instead, tomorrow, we are going to Moms to eat some pizza and maybe play a game or two. We will see how it plays out. It will be weird not seeing all of the family tomorrow, but I am holding out for the weekend for the big fun. It isn't like it is a big birthday.

And I am back on the study bandwagon. I walked this morning listening to my lectures. I am very motivated to get this certification complete. It is like being in school again. Yay the semester is over, but the process is not - know what I mean? Next test hopefully is beginning of the year.

I am so looking forward to Thanksgiving. This year is SIL's turn for Thanksgiving and my turn for Christmas Eve. We are doing the Turkey Trot. It is a great way to start the unhealthy day :-) And we are already registered, so we will be there. I have wanted to do this for so many years. YAY!

feeling better

I have been sick. But today I am feeling better - YAY.

Next week is my birthday. I love birthdays. I love the day for me. However, I can never answer the question about what I want. I have trouble coming up with something I truly want. This year Sweetie picked his own gift. And it was a big one. So he said I should do the same. So I am thinking this one over. I know I want my house organized. I don't mean a maid service, but some time dedicated to getting off our asses and getting the place pretty.

I know what Bug is getting me. She is taking me to see Madagascar 2. It comes out tomorrow and she wants to see it. She is so much fun to take to the movies, so that is the plan. No present needed from her, just sittng with me watching a funny movie eating popcorn and candy.

Well I know one thing Sweetie is giving me - or rather doing. For the first time in his life he is going to give blood. This is awesome and means the world to me. In fact, everyone should give blood for my b-day.

So celebration wise, we aren't doing anything crazy. We are going to the Ren Fest the weekend after so I plan to celebrate there. Come one come all and join us in our fun. The actual day I plan to have a lazy evening with nothing crazy.

This weekend's plans changed yet we still have a full weekend planned, funny how that happens.

I have not fully been studying this week. I think I need the break. It is exhausting to think of 3 more tests. But I can do it, I just need to get off my ass and study.

Tonight we are going to see DarkDiva belly dance. This time she will be in the front row. Awesome. We also have a romantic date as well as bowling with friends planned for the weekend.

election night

We early voted and now we wait. Regardless of the outcome, it is exciting to be watching history in the making.

And the verdict is

I PASSED I PASSED I PASSED!!!!!!

All the hours of studying over the past two months, all of the hard work, all of it was worth it. I passed the first portion. It was the hardest test I have ever taken. There were a number of questions that I didn't know. It took the entire 3 hours to test. And I even used the 15 minute software tutorial at the beginning (in addition to the 3 hours) to jot down all the equations I could think of. It was hard. At the end I was exhausted. I wasn't in the fed up mind set, but rather respecting the test and knew if I didn't pass that it was ok as it was a hard test. Then they make you take a survey on how you studied and how the testing facilities were before finding out your test score. That took forever. And then I saw it:

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

I am so happy. Thank you thyroid for being normal and letting my brain work. Thank you Sweetie for being so awesome with Bug. Thank you Bug for making me want to improve myself. Thank you Mom for listening to me freak out on a near daily basis. Thank you BestFriend for believing in me and pushing me.

One down three to go. I am taking the weekend off and beginning the next section's study on Monday.

Right now I need food. My right hand is killing me from being on a mouse for three hours. I guess I was clinching, lol.

countdown has begun

OK I test in 69.5 hours. Not that I am counting or anything :-) I am doing good. I am making sure I understand what I am studying and not cramming. If this means I don't pass this time, so be it. The bottom line is there are four tests. The items on the first three tests are on the fourth. This means I can't just forget the information when I leave, I will need it again in April or July.

And, of course, I feel like crap. I always get sick before a big test. I don't think I ever had a final in all of my college where I was completely healthy. Oh well. I hoped my surgery would cure that, guess it is in my genes. Actually that makes sense, my Dad was sick with his Surveying exams.

Another good thing is Sweetie found my alpha omega necklace. It had been missing since July. I feel more normal with it back around my neck.

The good thing is I will know if I passed by 11:30am on Saturday. It is Sweetie's Dad's b-day. That is why I scheduled it that day. Perhaps he can "stop by" and help me some with the test. He wasn't a accounting or finance person, but he was a computer programmer - so he should be able to go into the computer and tell me the right answer, right? :-)

Other than that, things are boring around these parts. We are almost ready for Halloween. I get to go as a Mom in an Orange shirt. Bug approved it.

I cleaned my desk at work. It has given me a very calming feeling. My desk gets SUPER messy during a project. I don't like to put things away that I am using. Once the project is over, I clean it. It is a ritual. Co-workers even walk by and say "so you finished a project". I also did it today as I can't sit still, I want to study. I think I will use the afternoon for some questions.

Best thing to hear:

"i love you
don't be stressed
you will succeed
and every "failure" gets you closer to full understanding and ultimate victory"

So true. What wonderful insight to hear today from Sweetie. He has been amazing. He is the most supportive with giving me time to study. He takes Bug to play and handles the chores. I am beyond lucky. Tonight is more studying. I better pas. Quite frankly I am growing bored of the topics.

And we walked

Today was Livestrong. MIL, Niece, Sweetie, Bug and I all walked. We walked in honor of those we love who are in the fight or have kicked cancer's ass. It was a lot of fun.

One week until test. I will be preparing until time of testing. I need to post pictures too.

Right now I am tired so I am gathering my girl and headed to bed :-) Nothing better than snuggling with Bug as a reward for studying.

a weight lifted

This weekend was good. Friday was date night, Saturday was b-day party for one of Bug's friends and errand day with Mom. Today was family day and the Maker Faire with BestFriend. It was cool with a life size mouse trap - like the game.

I studied at work on Friday, at Mom's on Saturday, and three hours tonight. I don't feel the most confident, but it is coming. I am doing what I can. It fully sunk in that if I don't pass, it is OK. I know that sounds counter-productive but it truly helped. I was expecting perfection and fully accepting that I am human and can only do what I can helped. After all the friend who got me into this CMA route even had to take two sections twice. Plus, I have had an rough couple of months. If I don't pass it would be understandable. With that said, I will be studying daily. I am still giving 100%, but I will not be devastated if I don't pass, I simply will pick up where I left off and study some more.

With all of that said, can I just add that I love my new nose. I had no idea how hindered my breathing was before. My Dr said I would be feeling better at this point and that in another two weeks I am going to be feeling great. I love it.

Next weekend is LiveStrong. If you are in Austin on Saturday come and walk/run with us. 3.1 miles for a great cause. What more can you ask for? Oh and the forecast shows a high of 81. Yay!

OK off to bed, I am feeling positive.

ME!!!!

I am feeling great today. Ok a little tired, but nothing out of the norm. Other than that, I feel great. I have not really posted in so long. Mostly because I haven't had much to post. I have been recovering, studying, and doing the day-to-day tasks.

It is funny today on my day of feeling good is also the day I just hit my freak out point. The point where the test is so close and I want to pass it so much but I start to doubt myself. I just need to study all the time for the next two weeks.

But I feel normal again. I don't feel sick and run down. I feel energized and silly. I feel no depression. It is a good day. And it is so beautiful outside. It is 68 degrees. I love it.

We went to Half Price Books on Tuesday. I found the greatest find. The same people who made Power90 made Slim in 6. It is a 6 week program rather than 90 days. Normally, this runs for $60. I got it for $10. I came home and checked out the DVDs to see if they were in good shape. Sure enough they look great. The previous owner completed 3 days of the program and then stopped for whatever reason. No judgement there as I have no room to talk with stopping programs. So I am going to start it tomorrow and it will end on Thanksgiving.

Of course, I also need to train for the Turkey Trot. Oh and study.

Hmmm so much I want to do.

Bug and Sweetie are doing great. He has been #1 dad and watching Bug whenever I need so I can study. She is getting so big. Her new thing is to come up to you and say "mommy, you be my best friend?". I love it. I jump up and down and act silly and say yes. I know everyone is shocked that I EVER act silly. I tell you if daycare paid more, that is where I would be working. I love hanging out at her school and with the kids. In the meantime I will just be the favorite class mom.

So off to study. Wait I am at work. I cannot study, I must be a good employee ;-)

three weeks until test
today i study at work
so nice and quiet

over five hours
listening to my lectures
brain take it all in

Hallo

I am still here. Not feeling great. But I am hanging in there. I am focusing on studying. I look forward to feeling good again. I do have two cool things to post about.

Yesterday the NP for my family doc called. My chart was being updated with the miscarriage. She saw it and called me to tell me how sorry she is. She said there are just some patients that stay on their mind and in their prayers and I am one of those patients. It meant the world to me. Makes me feel like big health isn't necessarily here. There are some small practices out there that care.

A bit of Sweetie's family history will be on display at the Texas History Museum. MIL submitted a brand for loan. It is so awesome. I cannot wait to go and see it in all its glory.

irony

I am not bruised or even in that much pain. However, I feel like I have a horrible sinus infection. The irony? I got the surgery to prevent sinus infections. It is funny. I have slept most of the weekend. Yay fun! Sweetie has been amazing and took bug to three events this weekend without me. He truly does know how to take care of me.

I will be at work tomorrow. I don't know if I will last all day, but I am going to give a good try. The other issue is I have is drainage. Just kind of gross.

Anything else new? Nope.

new nose

I survived. YAY. Actually it isn't bad. I got up at 4:30am, arrived at the hospital at 5:30, surgery at 7:30, home at noon. My throat was the worst so far. The breathing tube scratched me up good. I don't remember it going in or coming out, so that is good. But bad sore throat and it hurt to talk or even eat. That combined with me having a nauseous reaction to the anesthesia, made for a focus on taking pain meds and sleeping. 

I have kept down dinner so far, cross your fingers. I really am doing good. Once I knock out this headache, I will be much better. Even with a nose filled with dried blood, I know TMI, I am already noticing an improvement in breathing. 

 

calm

Perhaps it is the calm before the storm, but I am feeling much better today. I am focusing on the good things. Won't you join me?

1. Sweetie took my computer to the Dr today. He is so awesome like that. He said I would either have a fixed computer or a new one today.
2. Computer is fixable. While a new computer would have been nice, I would like to save for it and plan for the expense, instead of a "have to".
3. I have been good with studying and enjoying the topics.
4. I am excited for the surgery. If you put your finger under my nose and I breath out you can feel the difference from one nostril to the next. There is quite a bit of difference. I am not sure what I am going to do when I can breath normal.
5. I am still focused on the P90 program. However, I have not worked out since Sunday. I don't want to overdo it and get sick. As soon as I feel up to it, I will be exercising again. It doesn't stop my 90 day goals, it just changes how I get to the end of the 90 days.
6. Week one of weight watchers went very well. I lost 3.8 - whoo hoo! I am motivated. This weigh in is what i needed before tomorrow. The old me would drown my pain with bad for me food. This is going to keep me good.
7. SIL's MIL is doing Thanksgiving this year. My year for Christmas Eve. I am beyond psyched for the Turkey Trot.
8. I am very excited about the debate tonight. I don't think I ever watched the debates like I have this election. I am going to get some dinner and enjoy my family. We are watching the debate with MIL and Mom.
9. My mood is much better today. I feel like I am peeking out of the hole. Now I just need to hoist myself out. Better yet, anyone got a hand?
10. Bug's eye is so much better. It is a beautiful shade of black/purple/yellow/green/blue. Should be perfect for picture day tomorrow.

I will update everyone with how I am doing as soon as I can tomorrow. But send good thoughts/prayers around 7-9am CST.

some updates

• I am fighting my depression still. Blah. I hate chemical days.
  
• Surgery for my deviated septum and correcting my sinuses is Friday morning. Butt ass early in the morning too.
  
• Bug's eye is looking worse but better. The swelling is gone as well as the pain. It is WAY more colorful. No worries I am taking pictures everyday.
  
• Computer goes to the Dr tomorrow. I should have a fixed computer or a new laptop.
  
• I am in a hole right now. I am working my way out. I hate it when I am in holes.
  
• I have been so good with WW, first week weigh in tomorrow. I hope to see a smaller number.
• One month until my first test. I am going to put everything into passing.
• And I have had a headache for two days and I cannot take anything because of the surgery - FUN!
  
• OK that is enough updates. Off to prepare for Friday.
  

A lot going on

Today is crazy day. Last night Bug fell off a bar stool and has a black eye. She went with me to my ENT appt today. Long story short, I have surgery on Friday. I am a little freaked by it, but that is ok. My laptop needs replacing. It is very ill. YAY another expense. blah. 

OK sorry for the quick on and off, but I am on Sweetie's machine and don't like it as much. 

nothing - yet everything

This morning I rejoined WW at work. It was very good for me. I feel in control again. I also restarted the power 90 challenge. Yay for me.

Today I went to the allergist. They poked me 80 times, 40 in the back, 20 in each arm - to test me for what I am allergic to. Guess what? I am not allergic. My reactions when molds get high are due to environmental changes and not the pollen itself. Yes, I am complicated like that. The Dr prescribed some allergy medication to help me - I know that sounds funny.

I also found out I have a deviated septum. I always felt I breathed out of one nostril more than the other. Now I know why. I go the the ENT on Monday. The allergist said that getting my septum corrected would cut down on my sinus infections drastically. I hope it is that simple. Of course, we are talking about me so probably not.

I am feeling good. I am getting myself healthy again, mental and physical. I have been experiencing some depression. I am doing everything in my power to keep it at bay.

Last night Bug and I went to dinner with BestFriend. She is awesome. She knows I am fighting this slump which means I need to be pushed to do things. She demanded it, and I am beyond grateful. Thank you, BestFriend for being so amazing.

I need to close this for now, I must get back to my studying.

No More Drama

No more drama please. I am taking myself out of the middle. If you wish to discuss the weather or other things, awesome. But no more of the drama. I take things on too personally, I get emotional. I understand that friendship is needed. But I am caught in the middle and I don't like it there. So I am stepping out.

Never Forget

Today marks 11 years since we lost my father. It is always emotional. However, I think this year is easier, most likely due to Bug being such a big girl these days. Though I do remember it getting easier after 10 years after my Grandma's death. Regardless, I miss him daily. I think of how much has changed, which is so much. I miss you, Daddy.

So we did what we do each year, we went to the lake where we scattered his ashes. The lake was down very low like it was two years ago. Last year it was as full as it was when we scattered his ashes. Whenever we see it low I feel a little sad. When it is low the ducks and geese don't come to visit. But this didn't stop us. It is a beautiful place regardless. Last year I would have been in water to take this shot. Sweetie took Bug out onto some of the rocks. She has grown so much since last year. It amazes me. We had some breakfast, walked around the park and played soccer ball. It was very nice. Afterward, we had to rest up. We had Bug's first performance to attend. We went to see "Not Afraid of the Dark" by the Austin Ballet Apprentice Company. It was perfect for Bug. She was awesome. She was literally on the edge of her seat the whole time either holding our hands or clapping. I loved it. I loved seeing it through her eyes. I love how big she is. This is her glow in the dark necklace that we got at the show. And here we are with her. After the show we headed back toward home. Bug requested bookstore so we went to the Domain. We enjoyed the bookstore, some pizza, playing, and looking at stores. Here Sweetie is trying to convince Bug to put her foot on the big fountain. She would only stick to the small ones. Needless to say, both went to the car with soaked shoes. We had a great day. I am so very lucky to have such a wonderful family. Now we are home and I am finishing this blog so that I can get some studying complete.

bring it on

Yesterday, I walked in the morning and did my circuit workout in the evening. I didn't workout tonight, but will be back on it tomorrow morning. Today I also rejoined WW at my work. YAY. Our session should go through Christmas. I am feeling motivated. I want to use this time before we start trying again to test and get into better shape.

Other than that, things are good. I have to wait another three weeks to give blood. And I forgot to add when I received it, I am officially a card carrying bone marrow potential donor.

OK I need to get back to studying.

And the verdict is....

NORMAL. 1 year normal (less the slight hypo when I was pregnant). That means remission. My Dr doesn't want to see me again for a year. Since we will be trying to get pregnant soon she wants my blood tested without an appt in March. And since we don't know if I went hypo because of simply being pregnant or because of something wrong with the pregnancy, I am to call when I pregnant again. For now I am not hyper or hypo. I am normal. While I will always have thyroid issues in my medical history and there is a good chances I will be non-normal at some point, I am happy to be normal now.

Now I have no excuse not to study or lose weight.

Weekend Update by Missy

This weekend was good. Friday night we went to Jim's and I got to see MotoDiva. She is having a rough time and seeing her face to face was very nice.

Saturday was lunch with BestFriend with a lil shopping. After the shopping we dropped Bug off at Moms and we went home to prepare for date night.

What did we do first? Nap of course. Man it was nice. Then we went to our favorite sushi place and sat at the bar. We had WAY too much sushi - I had no idea Sweetie could pack away nearly 40 pieces of sushi. He ordered a lot on his own and then I couldn't finish mine, so you know how it is. We left to see a movie only to find out what we wanted to see was not being shown at the theater we went to and by the time we got to another theater the movie would have started.

We are no longer the party animals of our youth. And that is fine by us. We found ourselves back at home enjoying each other instead of staying out late. It was a great night.

Tonight though is when Sweetie really proved himself. As we were coming home from the store and errands we drove past his Uncle. He moved into our area a few months ago. Anyway, Uncle invited us to dinner. As I wanted my much desired bubble bath and to study, Sweetie offered to take Bug and go to dinner with the family while I had alone time. Let me repeat that, ALONE TIME. I was able to take my super hot bath with candles and a beer, in peace. It was wonderful. I didn't soak long as I wanted to get some studying done. I studied for nearly two hours. I got a lot done and am very happy with myself.

That was the weekend. It wasn't the most exciting, not a drop of rain from Ike. But sometimes not exciting is best. Next weekend should be more interesting as we take Bug to her first ballet.

For now I must prepare for bed, I have an early Dr appt with my Endo. I will post my results when I get into work...er I mean when I get home and am no longer on the clock ;-)

third post in a day

Yes, it is me again. I wanted to let everyone know that I am doing good. I thought I would check in as I already finished my studying for the night, gonna get ahead some now. Sweetie is hanging with his friend tonight so Bug and I went to get cupcakes. I had the pumpkin, so so so good. Unfortunately we had to leave early due to Bug having an accident. I am reminding myself that she is only 3 months into the training and this is only the third accident she has had in public. Once we got home we got ready for bed and I started studying. YAY. I am doing good with it. I also scheduled my test. I might have to rethink it though. I scheduled it for the last Saturday available for me, which is Nov 1st. That is cool as it is my FIL's b-day and I feel I would have him around to help me. But then it hit me, it is the day AFTER Halloween, at 8 in the morning. We shall see. I don't want to do it during work, don't want to use any PTO for it. I will talk to Sweetie about it.

OK so I am good, still hyper.

To Psycho Bitch in Red SUV

You are crazy. You are not better than anyone. When a road is closed down to one lane, it means you too. Just because your car can fit between the cones doesn't mean you SHOULD. And doing it to turn right without looking put you in MY way when I was turning in the legal manner. Yes, I honked. And I know you thought you were smart to pull over and get behind me. Surely I would lead you to my house. Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME???? I have my daughter in my car, I am NOT that stupid. From the moment you got behind me I took wrong turns. You followed me THROUGHOUT my neighborhood to the next major street all the while on the phone. I don't know who you were talking to, nor do I care. I was in the right and I know that. I was hoping you would follow me to my husband, but no you lost interest. Fucking crazy bitch. I am sure you were coming from the gas station that is 12 cars deep due to the upcoming hurricane. Of course, it is going to hit here, run fast for the gas.

I agree with Tammy, I hate people.

So hyper today

I woke up feeling so good today. I am so hyper. I think it has to do with today I am two weeks out from my procedure. This means I am cleared for such things as exercise, a bubble bath (with wine please), and the most important SEX (WOOHOO). Sorry but it is true. Last night I had to return some maternity clothing. Yes, I know that I could become pregnant soon and would need the items. However, I would rather buy them then. I am, of course, keeping what I have already worn but I still had some items with the tags still on them. So I asked Bug if she would help me go shopping.

What does my darling daughter in 90 something degrees ask for? A coat! When I finished the return I said "you want to look at coats?" and she said "yes, one that keeps me cold, I am soooo cold". She has a "so cold" voice and she used that. It cracked me up. She picked her own coat and it is nice - pink, I know that was a shocker.

I also got me an outfit. A cute skirt and shirt. Nothing better than an outfit that makes you feel sexy. Today I feel sexy.

I went in the morning to the Vampires and hit starbucks on the way to work. It is my splurge after a dr/lab appt. I was so hyper. I am still pretty hyper. I worried about an upcoming crash due to how good I was feeling. So far that hasn't happened. I have been the most productive at work. I did everything in my in-box AND cleaned my desk. This is big for me.

So I am feeling good. I am listening to my lectures while I blog, err work, this afternoon. I am not sure what all we are doing tonight, but I am hoping for some sort of exercise, studying, and a bubble bath. Sweetie said he would take Bug to a park or something so I can take a bath by myself. I have not had that in quite some time. Yay.

I think the big thing is that I am out of the physical healing stage. That makes me feel normal again. I am still working on the emotional, but at least the physical is good.

Today I feel like life is moving on and I am a part of it. Now I think I shall work on my spreadsheets. I need to focus on my walking and my studying.

on the spot

Spontaneous that is. Yesterday BestFriend and I decided we needed some fun. She and I went with a guy friend of her's to see Tropic Thunder. It was funny. Sweetie planned a play date with a friend from work's three year old at the bounce place. They had a blast. All planned at the last minute and it was perfect.

Today I am doing good. I really think I am ready to get back into the whole walk/run/skipping thing. I have been good and following Drs orders and taking it easy. But now that I am at "normal" again, I am ready to get moving.

Tomorrow I give blood for my thyroid. I am not sure what it is going to say. I feel like it is better than in Aug. But I have no clue.

happiness is

Ok this was the strangest weekend. And each event, in and of itself was nothing. But all together they make me smile. Yesterday, the main link to me meeting Sweetie found me on mysp@ce. She is the one who introduced me to the ex-boyfriend who took me to the party where I met Sweetie. Keeping up? She and I went to one school, her boyfriend went to another. She introduced me to her boyfriend's friend. He then took me to a third school's party two years after we stopped dating where I met Sweetie. There will be a quiz.

Anyway... So she found me. That is cool. Then today we went to the grocery store, as it is Sunday. At the store we saw a mom of another ex. We see her a lot as she still lives in the neighborhood and works close. I have never said anything to her. I didn't know she recognized me. Today we saw her and she commented on Bug. One isle later she said "oh I didn't realize she was yours, Melissa". Wow she recognized me and knew my name. As it is with grocery stores, you walk along the same route so we were with her for a bit. I got the dirt on her sons and she asked questions about Bug and such. It was strange as I don't think she has ever talked to me like this.

Then after everyone left tonight, the ex that is the direct link to me meeting sweetie found me on f@cebook. The one who took me to the party where I met Sweetie. So interesting. Is the universe trying to remind me how lucky I am to have Sweetie? I know it, I don't need reminding. Am I emotional these days and biting his head off? Well, yes, but that is expected and I own up to it and apologize as soon as I see I am being crazy, which is usually during the moment. But back on the subject, I appreciate the reminder nevertheless. And I was so nice to let him sleep while dinner cooked. See him sleeping, isn't he the sweetest. Today I wanted to spend time with Mom and MIL without any big reason or unhappiness behind it. I also wanted to use my crock pot. So I made turkey breast with brown rice chili and biscuits. It was so good. I also invited BestFriend over. Seeing her made me feel so good. As we relaxed with the Moms after dinner we had the best surprise of DarkDiva showing up. Normally I am hesitant of the drop in. But this time, I loved it. It was so good to see her and hug her and feel loved.So I am ending the weekend with a beer in hand and smiling. I feel loved, grateful for my life, and simply happy. The happiness is so strong today that it completely makes up for the sadness yesterday.

Oh and here is the humming bird feeder that Sweetie bought me to remind me about life. Here's to a productive and healthy week ahead.

New Day

Yesterday turned into a hard and sad day. I didn't see it coming, but there it was. I felt very lost and sad. Today I am focusing on side stepping the depression hole again. I refuse to get into the depression I was in a couple of years ago.

We are having the Moms over for dinner. I am making Turkey chili with brown rice. Yummy - or at least I hope so. I might even make some cookies if I am up for it.

And we had the Internet guys out here at 7 this morning. OMG that was early, but our Internet is fixed and running smooth again.

Tomorrow Sweetie and I are going to be working out again. I have to start moving again. I have 7 weeks until LiveStrong. Plus I would like to lose a couple of pounds before we start trying again.

Oh and studying. I started again last week and this week I have to crank it into gear. I have to test by Nov and I am determined to get it underway.

I am emerging from my hole and need to hang with my friends. I think this week is going to be one of making plans.

quiet

This morning is quiet. I am doing good. Actually I am doing better than I expected. We went over to a friend's house last night. She is due a month before I was. This is the first time I have been able to see them and I expected it to be quite painful. Emotional? Yes. But I was not holding back tears or anything. Life goes on.

Once again I am the first one up. This whole not being able to go back to sleep thing SUCKS.

This weekend is about cleaning and organizing.

Doing better

I am home with Bug. I am feeling a bit better. I know it is an emotional roller coaster. I just have to have patience. And I get to have lunch tomorrow with MotoDiva. Yay.

But for now, I am nicely distracted.

blah

I was doing pretty good. However, I was reminded how my emotions are on edge. I cry at the drop of a hat. I know life goes on and people have their own issues. I know this, I know people have hard days. And I never want anyone to treat me with kid gloves.

With that said, I hurt when friends hurt, or are upset, or are edgy. I feel a loss when I am turned away. I feel like I am being pushed away. And my emotions are crazy. I swear if someone walked by and sneezed, I would cry.

Just when I thought I was being strong today, I find out how fragile I am. I am surrounded by family and friends who care about me. I am lucky. I put my status on gmail about crying at work and I instantly had two friends comment/come by to see me. That made me feel loved.

However, at the same time, I feel so very alone.

at work

I am at work. I am functioning. It is hard. I just want to sit and cry. BestFriend won't allow it. She is wonderful. She is giving me my space and not yelling at me for breaking our plans two days in a row. She is having me focus on studying and walking. I hope it works. I just want to feel normal again. I posted that I feel healthier and that is true. But I am still feeling out of sorts from the procedure. Nothing bad, but it just takes time. I feel tired. I just want to be able to do everything that I want to. A physical healing time from all of this seems absurd to me. Shouldn't the emotional be enough.

I was having a rough time last night and Bug came up to me and told me "I need my mommy". It was the most perfect thing for her to say. I told her that I need my Bug. I am keeping her close to me. She is amazing and helping me through all of this.

And as much as I want to start walking now, I don't know if I am ready yet. Perhaps this week I should simply focus on the house.

Oh and did I mention Blah?

sadness

Yes, the sadness is here. Yesterday was a hard day. Bug picked up on my emotions and acted out, I became sadder with the acting out - you see the cycle. Nothing horrible, but draining. I tried to distract myself with some shopping and we had to leave two stores. I know she was picking up on things as she is normally a good kid. I guess we are all on edge lately.

Sweetie ran in the Nike+ Human Race 10k. Bug and I didn't get a chance to cheer him on as we were napping. And after the day we had, I didn't want to mess with nap time. But he did awesome, as I know he would. And even without being able to train for the event, he was smart about the race and didn't push himself too hard. That made me very proud.

While I dread work tomorrow, I am looking forward to the routine. Distracting myself with work and study sounds perfect right now.

Last night while Sweetie was running, I did use my new crock pot and made him rice pudding. I also did some dishes and cleaning. Not as much as I wanted as I started to feel tired and was experiencing some heavier bleeding, I know TMI.

Anyway, I am hoping to be able to do more today. I just need to work through the sadness.

peace

Yesterday was a great family day. We had lunch with MIL, we picked up Sweetie's packet, and we shopped. The day ended watching a movie and playing. An overwhelming sense of peace came over me. I feel great. And other than pain associated with the D&C, I have felt healthy since Thursday. I know something was wrong. My thyroid feels normal again, I feel healthy again. From the beginning I had this feeling that something was wrong. I discounted this feeling. I guess there was something to it. I was feeling sick. More sick than just morning sickness. I didn't fully realize it until I felt normal again. Something was terribly wrong and my body was trying to tell me.

Not that the sadness is gone yet. But the peace helps. Movement helps, distractions help. BestFriend wanted to get nails done today. I was all for it. That is until I found myself sitting at Mom's doing nothing. Doing nothing isn't good. My heart sank, the sadness returned. Doing nothing isn't an option yet. I hope she understands. I still want to see her, if she will have me, I just have to keep moving. The goal is to work through it a little at a time so that I can get through the whole process.

That and my Bug. She makes it ALL better. She hugs and kisses and makes me laugh so very much. Oh how I adore that three year old.

Tomorrow starts walking again and studying. My camera has seen better days and even with everything Sweetie is sticking to the whole "pass the CMA and get a new camera" plan. He knows how to distract me.

But the peace, it is helping.

it is early

I know I have been blogging a lot. It is helping me. It is early and my family sleeps. I am still so tired, but cannot stay asleep. I am watching the birds on the feeder outside my window. Sweetie put it in the perfect spot.

I have no idea what we are doing today, or even this weekend. I want to do a project with the house. I also want to buy something I normally wouldn't. Sweetie and I had a discussion about this and realized we have a hard time coming up with items to purchase, lol. I know we are going to packet pick up today for Sweetie as he has a race tomorrow. We were supposed to go to a b-day party tomorrow, but I am not up for it. I hope my friends understand. I just can't do a celebration yet, it seems so wrong.

OK there is a pigeon/dove type of bird on the bird feeder. He cannot figure out how to get to the food. It is so funny. He is standing on the roof and walking down and trying to reach it. He is not understanding that he can stand on the side. It is downright funny. Other kind of birds are even coming up and using the side but he isn't catching on.

I will check in again soon.

antsy

It is almost time for bed. I am tired. I want to get out of the house tomorrow, that is for sure. I am numb. I am also so shocked to hear of so many friends who have been through this. That means a lot.

I am so lucky to have Bug and Sweetie. They are my everything.

Sweetie's work sent flowering plant. I love it. I hope we can keep it alive. It was the nicest surprise.

Checking in

First, I want to say a huge THANK YOU to BestFriend. You know you have a great friend when they do everything right and still worry that they didn't do enough.

I am doing ok. Sweetie and Mom were off from work yesterday and took care of me. Bug took the best care of me. She kept snuggling me and saying how she was making me better. That combined with many random "I love you" and hugs and I was reminded how lucky I truly am.

I am coping with the physical pain, mourning the loss, and focusing on the future. Sweetie and I are very sad, that isn't a lie. The worst part of this, and the part that will forever stay in my mind is hearing his voice when I called him from the Dr. Nothing gets to me more than hearing him cry.

Sweetie took Bug to get her hair cut yesterday. He wanted some time one on one with her and wanted to let me get a little rest. While he was gone he set me a surprise. He said I would find it in the morning. This morning I found that he got a humming bird feeder to put on the living room window. It is perfect. And already I have seen many little birds coming to feed. So beautiful. He also took my bird feeder and moved it to where squirrels can't get to it. He placed it in the back yard where I can see it while lying in bed. We have a tiny backyard. But one of my favorite things is to lie in bed watching the outside. He is very smart and knows me so well.

Yesterday I was pretty much medicated the entire day. Not out of it or anything, just sleepy. Thank goodness for Mom. She took care of Sweetie and Bug, while Sweetie and Bug took care of me. It was very calming to be at my childhood home, able to nap when needed, and have Mom feed me. It helped so much.

I kept Bug home today as well. I need her around me. She reminds me that life isn't over. She reminds me that something must have been wrong as she came from me and she is perfection. We went to Target pretty early. I wanted out of the house and cats needed food. I did take another pain pill before I left as I was feeling some discomfort. At Target I felt very hot and got sick. That wasn't fun. We finished our shopping and headed home. I am ok. I am just reminded that I am not bouncing back as quickly as I think I should. There is a 10k on Sunday and I was even considering doing it. After this morning, I know that is not a good idea. The good news is that I found a super cool crockpot. It is a nice distraction for me.

Sweetie is only working a half day today. I am so happy he is going through the mourning process as well. I know that too many guys don't and the emotions can build inside. We are just doing what we do, clinging to each other.

Sweetie and I decided being healthy is our focus now. I am hoping to start back at my walking next week, at a very slow pace.

SIL and I alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve every year. This year she has Thanksgiving and I have Christmas Eve. This means we get to do the Turkey Trot.

I truly appreciate the calls and emails. Thank you. I will be out of my hole soon enough. But, for now, I am in family mode. Thank you for understanding.

Now I am off to rest some more.

Erin hacking the blog again

You can delete this when you read it M, but I wanted the world to see
1. How grateful I am that you're in my life
2. How sorry I am that I am a dunce friend who doesn't know the right thing to do

So, world out there, here goes:

Last night I head to Daisymouse's mom's house to visit with my friend whom I have been so desperate to see because I needed to see with my own eyes that she was ok. I entered the house, Mr. Daisymouse answers the door and I go in. She was on the couch watching Bug. Her sadness was so deep and so substantial you could actually physically feel the pain of it on your skin when you entered the house. But strong as she is, she was moving and talking and being thoughtful of other people.

We had plans to go out to eat. During my time with them, she tried to speak to me about the miscarriage a couple times. I should have queried her, asked her about things, listened to her talk it out, but I was so desperate to not see her hurt anymore, I couldn't make my brain talk about it. I talked about everything and anything else like a moron. I wanted to see her smile again and be distracted by mundane things.

As soon as I left I berated myself for being so emotionally inept. Got home and sent her a flurry of txt messages apologizing, telling her how much I love her and how important she is to me. I hope she understands and forgives me.

To Daisymouse,
1. You are my rent-a-kid-sister and best friend and I will do anything for you, go anywhere at any time, and I wish to God there was something I could do or say to take some of the pain away
2. I will never be one of those people who, albeit with good motives, try to make it better by saying they know how you feel. I am aware that this pain you are going through is a pain unique to you in all the world in all time, but I promise to be there to listen and from now on, I won't try to hide behind mundane topics because I'm scared of you being hurt
3. I will never shrug it off saying there's always another or there's always Bug, because I know this was a separate person and the pain can not be replaced by substituting anything else in its place
4. I know you are at the beginning of a journey that you will walk alone, but please please please come back to us when you're ready. We need you so much. You're my family. My role model. My best friend. And in total honesty, my favorite person in all the world. You are so beautiful and without a doubt beloved by this world and by me.

:(

D&C complete

Last night MIL, SIL, BIL, Niece, and Mom hung out with me. It was good to be surrounded by family. Mom took bug home with her as I had to be at the hospital at 6 in the morning. It was good as I cried my eyes out. This morning I took a nice shower where I cried some more. It was strange to cry so much when I felt so numb.

Sweetie has been awesome. We quickly went into couple mode. We aren't like everyone else. We are the type to laugh at a funeral. We laughed 99% of the time we waited for the procedure. It is how we roll. That is why I keep him around, he can make me laugh at the hardest times.

The procedure itself was not bad. I went to sleep and then they woke me. I didn't even know anything had been done. Now I am in some pain, but nothing horrible. I am at Mom's so she can take care of me. Sweetie is with me but did mention he might go into work when I am sleeping, to distract himself. I don't blame him.

I am doing good. I am feeling the emotions, but have a very healthy sense of everything. I am not giving up on giving Bug a baby brother/sister.

I hate to cut this short, but my vicodin is kicking in and I need a nap in a bad way. THANK YOU for all the emails, comments, calls. I know how loved I am. I am truly grateful.

Not meant to be

The appointment didn't bring the good news I was hoping. The baby measured at 9 weeks. As I should have been 11 weeks, I knew the situation right then. He searched for heartbeat. There wasn't one to be found. I lost the baby. I go in for the D&C tomorrow. I am off from work for the remainder of the week.

Currently I am surrounded by family. Sweetie, Mom, MIL, and SIL are here to support me. I am beyond words.

Dr said we can start trying again after my next period. I don't think we will be ready by then but it was good to hear. He also said due to it being this late and how it is happening that it was a genetic issue and not meant to be. It is easy to say that, but it still hurts.

I am off to find a stiff drink. I think it is ok to be hung over for the D&C, right? I guess I have to start exercising and eating right.

Dr appt

OK so no signs of anything tragic, but I have an unexpected Dr appt this morning. I called the nurse and sure enough they are squeezing me in. Please send prayers, good thoughts, anything you do. I am sure everything is fine, but I am getting checked out. The nurse thinks I just need my RH shot. I will keep everyone updated. As I say, this isn't an ER trip or anything. And sorry to be vague. I will feel better after the appt.

Then I get to get Bug for her routine ENT appt. This makes for a short day. I better log in from home so I don't have to use PTO.

Crazy day.

thank goodness it is over

Yesterday evening we received a great downpour. In many ways it was surreal. You see we were at Moms and the neighbor kids, when it was only sprinkling, were outside playing in the water running down the road.
Bug saw this and wanted to go out and play. Once we got outside, the big kids were in front of their house. Bug wanted to play with them. I said sure. She started off to the other house like there was no second thought. I convinced her to wait until we asked if it was ok. These are, after all, kids around 7-12 or so.
The middle boy that was playing outside came over and asked if she wanted to play with them. I loved it. Not only that he said her name correctly. He asked his brother and sister if she could play and they agreed. He stuck with her and planned with her so awesomely. He is 9 and so mature and patient. Bug said she loves him. That got Sweetie sighing.
So onto the surreal part. I always played in this same spot with the water coming down the street. My most memorable one was during the flood of 1981. I was four and had the BEST time with the water up to my knees. So I was walking to the corner with bug with our feet in the water. The water puddles up in the same spot. And in spite of the road being redone over the last 28 years, this one spot where it puddles, looks exactly the same as when I was three. It was a lot of fun.

Now to my title. Before we went outside I felt a headache coming on. I took medicine and went out to play. I came back in and it was worse. It had me in tears. Sweetie got me food, hoping it would help. Nothing helped. It was a tension headache worse than a migraine. I couldn't lay my head down without pain. I almost went to the ER. It was so bad that I slept on the couch. I don't know how late it was that I finally fell asleep, but I did. Headache gone for the most part. Now I pray it doesn't get any worse.

Cupcakes

I love cupcakes. Bug does as well. I mean, why not? They are portion controlled, cute, fun, and remind me of being a kid. We went to the mall tonight with BestFriend. Sweetie craved Frulatti, BestFriend needed to hang, and I was on a hunt for a crock pot (got it narrowed down to two).

After our fun BestFriend said she needed to get bubble tea before leaving, we went to a part of the mall that I hardly go to. I realized quickly that the chocolate store across from where BestFriend was ordering her bubbleness was no longer there. I didn't frequent the chocolate store as I am a Lammes Girl. But they did have great caramel apples, so I paid attention. Yes, that is a lot for me these days.

Anyway, in that location is a store called Be My Cupcake. Bug and I each got a small cupcake. She got the vanilla with sprinkles and I the red velvet. The man working the counter was very friendly and nice, I loves me some customer service.

The cupcakes were great. I know there may be more gourmet cupcake shops in town, but this is close, convenient, inexpensive, and yummy. What more can you ask for? And I love the size of the small cupcakes. If this baby keeps craving cake, this may be my savior. I can have a yummy cupcake without driving all over or baking a dozen. Woo Hoo.

We arrived at close to 9:00, closing time, so they were very picked over. This did not upset me as they make the cupcakes fresh every day. The two we had were very moist and yummy. Bug could only eat half of hers so I was able to taste both. I cannot wait to go back and try the pumpkin.

A little funny

The other night Bug and Sweetie were playing in the kitchen. I listened happily in the living room and overhear the following conversation:

Bug: Terry come here
Sweetie: My name is daddy
Bug: Terry come here
Sweetie: What is my name?
Bug: Terry
Sweetie: No, my name is daddy. What is my name?
Bug: Terry
By this time she is cracking up. She knows this drives him crazy. I had to add my part.
Me: Bug, what is my name?
Bug runs into the living room and smiles and says: Mommy
Sweetie: What is my name?
Bug: Terry.....Daddy
She then had him be a horse and rode him around the house laughing. It was too funny. She can already tell how to give him a hard time. There is no hope for him.

She hasn't seen Animaniacs so I have to blame this on Simpsons.

emotions

This weekend was filled with emotions. It started on Thursday with our last dinner with Brother as a Texas resident. We helped load his trailer and said our goodbyes. He was awesome and stopped by on his way out of town on Friday. Yes, there were tears. He has been good and sending me text updates and calling. He sounds awesome and hit Canada today.

Saturday was Kait's 16th b-day. We had a good time celebrating her. She is awesome and I am so happy to be included in her b-day plans. That and Bug got to see her Doodle, she adores him so.

The good news is that it looks like I am past the worst of the morning sickness. Thank goodness. I know that some nausea will linger, but the 24 hour seems to have let up.

I know this is short. But I am so very tired and I need to get my feet up.

Today is a bullet point day.

• Throwing up nothing first thing in the morning sucks.
• Throwing up while sitting in a car in a parking lot before lunch sucks.
• Throwing up when getting back to work after lunch sucks.
• Having free ice cream day on a day like this sucks.
• I still ate the ice cream, cross fingers it stays down.
• I look cute in black with white polka dots.
• I am wearing maternity clothing. Damn it is comfortable.
• I have no focus for work today.
• Bug wants to buy clothing tonight.
• Brother leaves in two days. I hope to see him tonight and tomorrow night. I am going to miss him.
• Bug told me this morning that she needs to say good bye to him.
• I need to drink more water, I think it is time to break out the bubba keg.
• I saved a cricket today.
• I hope this nausea goes away soon. I have things to do, walking, studying, cleaning, removing everything in a computer room - so much to do and less than 30 weeks to do it.
• I cut my hair short, like how it used to be. I like it a lot. Mostly I did it so I don't notice the hair loss as much with fluctuating thyroid.

Letting go of control

That is the theme for this year. I had to let go of control of our anniversary plans and they turned out awesome. I let go of control of my health and look what has happened - yay. Not that control is bad. That isn't the point. But letting go can be a very good exercise.

So my thyroid is off. It is high (which means slow) according to my OB. But the number they gave me isn't high according to my endo (based on past experience on what range she uses) but it is for my GP. So I went to my GP and they said "oops you are pregnant, I ain't touching that". Ok they didn't say that exactly, but anyway. I called the best in town and asked for the range they use. They told me the same that my endo uses. It amazes me that my GP has the most up to date amounts and not these endos.

My Endo's nurse called me yesterday. She said that they received lab results from my OB and that I am high. YAY they believe it too!!!!

I have an appt with my Endo next month. I am to keep doing what I am doing and get my blood tested then and see where I stand. The nurse said "it seems you have flipped from hyper to hypo, it is rare but it can happen". I tried not to laugh and say "of course, I flipped from hypo to hyper in the first place". Bestfriend pointed out "anything is possible with missy".

So I had faith and I let go of control and my Endo came through after all. YAY. My focus is going to be trying to eat healthier and see where I stand. I cannot wait until this sickness is gone so I can be productive and walk again. I know that will help.

Goodbye Bosco, RIP

This morning Mom and I had to make the very hard decision to put our lab, Bosco, to sleep. It was a hard decision. He was an old dog and we simply couldn't deny it any longer. We got him when I was in high school. He is the last of the dogs that my Dad had. It feels like we are losing the last attachment to him. It simply hurts. Work is understanding. I called in and left a message that I am sure was quite nonsense sounding, I was crying too hard. Mom and I have been mourning with many tears, some shopping, and, of course, food.

Rest in peace my dear puppy, I love you!

SHHHHHH

I just got home and am feeling great. Be very very quiet, don't want baby to change this around. I feel like I could actually DO something tonight, I know crazy. Let's hope it sticks. Here's to a productive night.

... waiting his turn

Hello all! This is BFF hacking into Daisymouse's blog because I have to share the quote of the week with you.

Tonight, I got to go to dinner with Daisymouse, Mr. Daisymouse and Bug, YAY!. Bug was hyper most of dinner, so I didn't get to have much conversation with her, but we all went to their house afterwards to tour Mr. Daisymouse's new Wii game. Very piratey.

So Bug decides I'm to be her playmate, she sits me on the floor and we do various things like drink tea, play with flashlights etc., then we finally pull out the little plastic people (is there a name for them?) They had all been in a plastic people school bus which Bug tipped over, then they were on the floor. (Let us hope this doesn't lead to a fear of riding the school bus when she's older)

Bug decided four of the eight of them needed naps. "Time to go night night", she says to them, laying them gently on their bellies and putting a blanket over them. I say "night night babies" in response and pet their plastic backsides. Then Bug wakes them up. "Good morning!" I say. Then those same four have to night night again, etc.

I asked her if Santa Claus, who was in the group of four that hadn't been "put to bed" got to go to sleep as well at which point, Bug suddenly donned this very very STERN face, pointed her index finger down at the plastic toy and said very angry teacher-like:

YOU WAIT YOUR TURN SANTA CLAUS!!!

From that point on, Santa became a trouble maker. When he tipped over, knocking into another of the plastic people, he got yelled at for "hitting her friend" and Bug picked him up and put him near the front door, telling him:
BAD SANTA!!!!

I yelled out, "Santa tell your friend you're sorry". Bug said "Say you're sorry Santa" at which point Santa and the other doll kissed many times and everything was better until Santa knocked into another and got put in the corner again.

It was great fun.

Thank you Daisymouse for #1 letting me play with your kiddo, and #2 for being such a great mom that you have a kid that cool

Thyroid results

I am hypo, 4.04. YAYAYAY! Yay? Yes yay. My hair is coming out, my weight is coming on (more than it should at this point), I have been having some sadness, and I have had some brain fog. There is a reason. I am hypo again. This is normal. I wasn't hypo when I got pregnant so baby has done this, but I am so ok with it. I go back on my meds, they watch me closely, and all is well, just like last time.

AND due to my Endo not following the new guidelines for hypo, I get to go back to my GP for my medication and monitoring. That makes me even happier. I already made my appt, Friday 8:30. This makes me happy. I was normal for almost a year, at least I know it is possible.

insight

Last week Sweetie received an email from an online store he had used a few months ago notifiying him of a shipment due on his b-day. He asked if it was from me. I explained to him that if I did get him something, which I wasn't supposed to because we got him a kick ass bicycle, I would not use his user name and log in. He went online to see the details. $300 worth of star wars toys showed shipped to our address. I was already searching our accounts making sure we didn't pay for this when he said it was paid with an Amex. We do not have Amex. We hoped someone would catch the glitch. Sure enough, we get home yesterday and a very large box waited at our front door.

Now we could have been the type of people to keep the items since we didn't pay for them, let alone sign for them. But no, we are not like this. Sweetie called the company and they are sending UPS to pick them up on Thursday. The suckass thing is that the company didn't even thank Sweetie for being such a stand up guy. But I know we did right. I don't want that kind of bad karma any where near us.

So that is a little insight into us.

WE HAVE HEARTBEAT

You know it is a good sign when the dr just puts the sonogram in and says "there is most definitely a baby in there". We saw baby, we saw heartbeat. Bug was there. This time instead of holding Sweetie's hand after hearing the "healthy" comment, it was Bug's. She thought it was cool she saw babybrothersister on the computer. My Dr is awesome. I am so glad we kept with him. Bug got a sticker for being good and we were told to bring her every time. Some Dr office's aren't as kid friendly. I am very relieved. She is my little helper with everything. They took five viles of blood - including checking for thyroid. So hopefully everything is ok.  

I SAW THE HEARTBEAT!!!!! Wow this is really hitting me. OK off to celebrate Sweetie. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETIE

Happy Birthday Sweetie. I hope today is a great b-day for you. You are amazing and wonderful. I love you with all of my heart. You are the greatest father. It is with much joy that we begin this amazing journey again.

Our first appt is today. I have no reason to think anything is wrong, but I am a mess. I will be until I hear "healthy". Bug is coming with us. I hope she is up for it. She told her teacher, "we are going to the dr for mommy, he is going to make her better and look at her tummy". Too cute.

Man I love my big girl. My appt isn't until 3:30. However, I have to get Bug, get Sweetie, get there. BLAH. I just hate waiting. I want to know now. That and I think my thyroid might be off. I am showing signs of hypo. I know they will check it today. And I am not worried about it.

This weekend was awesome. Friday night was b-day celebration date night. Sushi (only California rolls for me), Dark Knight, Cheesecake factory (best strawberry shortcake). Saturday was seeing Beauty and the Beast live at Zilker. It was fun. The kids had a great time. Then yesterday was me being VERY sleepy. I took some benedryal to help allergies. OMG it put me to sleep.

OK off to see baby. Wish me luck.

give me a trash can

I feel like crap. There is the morning sickness. No throwing up today, but might as well be. And I have a cough. I hate it. Oh and a terrible headache.

And I feel blue today. Not sure why. But I feel very emotionally on edge. I know it is prob hormones.

I called the Dr about the cough. I am to take cough syrup and tylenol and lots of water. I have the appt on Monday and they will check me out then. If anything turns green or I get a fever I am to go to my family dr.

I cannot wait until Monday. Things will be better Monday. It is Sweetie's B-day AND the appt. We have an afternoon time slot so the day will drag like nobody's business. But we won't have to come back to work, so that is good.

Tuesday I will tell the remaining work peeps. A few know already. I had to explain why I wasn't doing WW with them this time. Of course, accoring to my IT friend, since I am already showing most should already know, lol.

And the saddest news came today. The lady at work who makes homemade cakes for everyone's b-day is leaving. SHE IS LEAVING. I am pregnant and have a bigger sweet tooth than EVER, and she has the nerve to move to Dallas? Who cares about grandkids, my death by chocolate needs are more important.

My head is killing me. That is one thing I will complain about, not being able to take anything stronger than tylenol. OK done ranting, need to go and pick Bug up.

to which i say Blah

I am emotional today. I feel lazy, fat, useless. OK I know I am none of these things, but I don't feel up to doing anything and that makes me feel worse. I know I am talking in circles. And I am trying to study. No real stress there, just trying to find the time.

And then to top it off, my biggest reason for being emotional - less the pregnancy of course - is Brother. My Brother is moving. And not just moving, he is moving to Alaska. And not in a few months, on 8/15/08. He has always lived near me. Even when we weren't talking on an almost daily basis he was close by. This is the first time he will be away. And it is very emotional. I am going to miss him. Sure we will have phones and Internet. But it will be different. The holidays are going to be so different. I am so excited and at the same time so sad about the upcoming changes.

I want him to be happy, I want him to find himself, to experience life. But in a selfish way, I want him to do that here. Google maps says that it is over 4,200 miles of driving between us. That doesn't make for a quick weekend get away to see him. I just worry about him and like having him around.

So today I am emotional. But as I reminded Mom last night, we focus on what needs to be done and show our emotions after. We handle stressful situations well.

Things are just changing and quickly.