Another New Attempt

Today has not been productive. Or maybe it has. My boss is out on a CPE training. I cannot wait until I go to these. Not only is he out, his boss is out, and her boss is out. See where I am going with this? I came in to find work waiting on my chair. I completed what was there. That was well before lunch. I could have moved on to the next month with the items we have covered, working on July's close right now. But nope, I felt like being unproductive. LoL.

I started to experience some depression and Sweetie, knowing me better than anyone else, demanded I have lunch with him. I know it sounds harsh, but he knew that I needed to get out of the office. I cannot wait until I move into my actual office and out of this gray cube, I think the depression will be less solely because of sunshine. I went to lunch and it helped. We were close to home so I stopped and picked up my "Office Yoga" book, hand lotion, and the new Enigma CD. Sweetie knew exactly what I needed. Thank you, Sweetie. I love you.

And I am giving up the scale. Since I rejoined WW, I have lost 1.6 pounds - that is all. So my new approach is eating to feel energy and exercising to feel stronger. Novel concept, isn't it? It is actually going to be hard for me. But I am convinced that weight loss is not possible right now with my meds. It might get easier in December when my meds are lowered (please let them be lowered). But the goal is to keep lowering which means I will continue to be overmedicated. Which will mean inability to lose and perhaps even gaining. So I am letting go. I am trying to let go of a lot lately. Instead, I am focusing on eating more Southbeach like, as I keep reading that a diet like this is the best for thyroid, and exercise that makes me happy. No counting, no weighing. I like control. No let's be honest, I love control. It is a main theme in my life. And one I am working on. But I have no control on my weight loss. And a diet is all about control. So I am going back to what I was like when I was pregnant. I only ate when I was hungry, I didn't over indulge, and I only weighed at the Dr's office once a month (until the end when the appointments increased). Now I did watch that weight and kept it in the back of my mind, I did not ignore it completely. So if I go with that mind set and add exercise I should get healthier, even if I do not lose weight. I am just moving weight loss from the front of my mind to the back. And weight loss is not the end all measure. The main thing is to come up with other ways to observe my progress rather than the scale. Clothing is a good one. So are measurements. And lets not forget pictures. But if I am able to exercise longer, lift more, or sleep better and the scale hasn't moved, who cares really. And if after a month it does move, Right On!

So while that may sound like other posts I have written, this time is very different. I am going to take an assessment and then put the scale away until 4 weeks from now. I will keep everyone posted. Sweetie is pushing for our family walks to move to a daily basis and I want to get more into yoga.

Much like everything else in my life right now, this is a work in progress.

Weekend Update

If you brought all the world leaders and decision makers and put them in one room, I am convinced of peace. That is if the room was where a Blue Man Group concert was held. If you have not been, you must go. We saw them first in Las Vegas in March 2000, then at the Backyard in August 2003, and now at the Frank Erwin Center in October 2006. The reason I think peace would be possible, is that, as humans, we are a bunch of sheep. We do what we are told. "Megastar Movement #3, jump up and down" - and everyone does it. We did not have the best seats, but the advantage was that we could see the people below us. And everyone was following along, just like we were. The best part was that we had our own row. Our row was only our two seats, very nice and private. The evening started with Sushi at our favorite place. OMG Spicy Susan Roll is sooooooo good. We got a great booth and enjoyed cuddling while eating food and enjoying our drinks. Due to the concert not ending until close to 10:30 on a Sunday, we decided it was best to skip the Cheesecake factory this time. We picked up ice-cream, bug, and went home. It was a great date. What makes a great date? Conversation that brings you closer, food that makes you feel indulgent, laughter filling the night, and sweet kisses that melt your knees. And quite frankly, ending the evening in bed with ice-cream and a toddler didn't reduce the greatness at all.

Friday night was a change from the norm. BestFriend, her husband, and Sam came over to celebrate BF's DH's b-day. At 9:30 BF and I went to Kerby Lane and joined MotoDiva and IronDiva for dinner. It was very nice. That silly IronDiva, she makes me want to walk again. I am thinking of doing the Austin Half Marathon in Feb. We shall see, I also hope to sit for a portion of the CPA around that time. Too much to do and too little time.

Saturday was the laziest of days. OMG we have not had a day like this in quite some time. In spite of the boys not finishing their games until 3:30am, we got up at 8 (not too hard when there is no alcohol involved) and started our day. We ate breakfast, watched TV, played, read, checked email, snuggled, and all in our PJs. I then made grilled cheese (Sweetie's all time favorite) for lunch. Love the play by play don't you? Well, it is important. We napped for 2.5 hours after lunch. When we woke up we knew it was finally time to get dressed and "start" our day. We went and checked on Sweetie's grandpa and made him dinner - Bug feel asleep so she and I waited in the car. We went to B&N - had to buy the last book for Unfortunate Events, and ended at the store buying fixin's for dinner. A really great day. The only down side was that I pulled a muscle in my back and was in a lot of pain during the evening. I even took one of my pain killers that I got for my c-section. Not fun. But it did not ruin the day.

The best part of Saturday? While I was with Bug in the car, I had the windows open and the radio playing. I don't remember what song was playing, but I was singing along - as always. Then the most amazing thing happened. As you read this, keep in mind that I am VERY into signs. I had a lady bug fly in from the passenger window and land on the dash board. This was a very large and healthy lady bug. I watch it and as it crawls it falls onto its back. I gently touch its legs and it clings to me. I take it out of the car, make my wish, and it flies off, on its own with a very strong flight. I must have looked like a giddy school girl.

It was a great weekend. Now back at work. Sweetie is trying to figure out a day that we can both take off for an "us" day. That sounds wonderful. Oh and in other random news, I have not bitten my nails in over a week. Today marks day 8. This is my worst habit, and it has not been easy. But yesterday I gave myself a French manicure. Hopefully, it will make me want to keep them pretty.

Now the planning for my b-day gets into full force. I want to exercise at least 30 minutes a day, five times a week until the day. I also would love for us to finish our bed room, paint, curtains, and that kind of thing. My dream is to get the flooring that we want installed. I wonder how long the professionals take. It might be worth the cost.

OK I need to do some actual work today, lol.

Congratulations

Congratulations to my SIL and now, officially, soon to be BIL. He asked the question, and she said yes. We are very happy and Bug and I danced and danced when we heard the news.

Feeling Better

As of 3:00pm Bug is feeling better. YAY. She is eating and drinking and smiling and laughing and talking and running around. After a final nap she is even kissing. Yay!!!

Home With a Bug

Yesterday I had to leave work early to pick up a Bug. She had a low grade fever and didn't feel well. By the time I picked her up her fever was gone and I was convinced that it was an elaborate plan to be able to go home and snuggle with mommy during the rain.

She was feeling good until about 6pm yesterday. At that point she threw up a couple of times. The past has proven that she is normally better after getting it out of her system. So we thought she was better. She slept with us last night and she threw up several more times during the night. She and I were in the shower at 12:50am. Poor bug. So I am home with her. She is in my arms sleeping. She needs her mommy. Nothing makes me feel more like an adult, and human, than having a child sick and not knowing what to do. Sleep is good though. I may blog several times today as I am at her mercy for movement. Luckily I have my computer, lol.

Last night was yet another reminder of what a great team Sweetie and I make. We are the kind of parents who are both "in it". I love that. I love that while I was cleaning Bug he was changing the sheets. I love that we both were worried about her. I love that he is coming home for lunch because he wants to be close to us. There is no other man that I would want beside me in this challenge called parenthood.

In spite of my sick Bug, today is a good day!

Life as a House

Tonight Sweetie and I watched "Life as a House". Such a good movie. I highly recommend it. I love Kevin Kline

If you are looking for a good cry, this is your movie. Sweetie and I both were full on crying at the end. That is one thing I love about this man, he feels comfortable enough to cry around me.

Today was very rainy. I loved it.

It is late. I would post more but my eyes are tired and I need to feel Sweetie's arms around me.

to sum it up

good weekend, family, errands, long family walk, long conversations, mary poppins

Hello Happiness, I've missed you

Today is a very good mental health day, very good. Not sure why. Lunch turned into me driving for an hour and getting nothing done. Our mechanic, the one we trust and love. The only one we trusted our cars with, the only one who has seen my car, is no longer there. They said they fired him and back tracked when we said that was why we went there, very strange.

Last night was a great dinner with HowieMaui, a thank you for taking care of her pets this past weekend. It was very nice and yummy - but sorry it made you sick. And then today a great conversation with BestFriend reminded me that I am so very lucky with my friends.

Life is good.

Today I feel like the depression is somewhere else for a little while. I hope I don't jinx myself. I also have some of my b-day planned. Friday night is looking like the night with my friends. Not sure where, but I want Friday with the whole tribe, Saturday with Sweetie, and Sunday with my family.

So if you are a friend keep the 10th open, if you are family keep the 12th open.

I am just smiling today. That is a nice change.

I think the biggest thing is that I realized that I am the only one who can get me out of this. I am the one in charge of my feelings; I am the one in control. And I sure do like control. Control and attention - see what neat things books teach me. But anyways, this is my life. I cannot let anyone or anything take away my happiness. It is not fair to me. So I am pulling myself out.

I know I will feel sad from time to time. And I know that is ok. I know that my chemicals like to have some fun, and they can, as long as they don’t go too far. One day - that is all. Then I have to pull myself out again. My life is far from perfect. But I have a great family, wonderful friends, a nice job, and a husband that I am falling in love with all over again. I am lucky.

This weekend is nothing planned. I love it. We are going to veg and enjoy each other. We may start on some projects, we may not. I just want some good time with my Sweetie and Bug.

This weekend will also be about eating healthier and drinking all my water. Weekends are always hard for both of these.

Happiness is good. Even with allergies, it is good.

Sweetie felt left out

First, a heartfelt goodbye to Rev George Wilson. You are truly loved and will be missed. Please tell Daddy I said hi. Now you can continue to be the spiritual advisor that he respected and needed.

Sweetie needed to add what he loves about me. But first I need to add two more to mine: "where the hell are we?" and "crossover".

Now for 50 things about me. He made sure to use original ones, no repeats from my list.

1. her smile 2. her giggle 3. her dimples 4. she's small

5. she has a great ass 6. i love her reactions to my scaring her

7. NanKing 8. she has great financial skills 9. the way she pouts

10. missyisms 11. her compassion for animals

12. her photography (takes such striking images)

13. she is the best mother 14. toe-pick 15. forgiveness 16. so smart

17. I smile whenever I see her 18. Serif 19. mouse

20. her first rollercoaster ride 21. we agree on how to raise a family

22. Some of my best ideas came from her 23. Missy Mess

24. After winning my first Addy, she got me a PS2

25. How every thing I see in Serif came from her

26. She makes me want to be a man worthy of being a husband

27. Westwood cup 28. Speed and/or Go Fish

29. no one knows me more than she does 30. she is unbearably cute

31. "It's not far." - Orlando 32. "It's not far." - Las Vegas

33. "We're going straight!"

34. Her relentless desire to have me watch horror-movies

35. putting up with my obsessive behaviors 36. tickle fights

37. her nervous/anxious laugh 38. her love of that silly ol bear

39. doing laundry 40. neck strike 41. Wilderness Lodge 42. "Ice Cream"

43. the way she holds pencils, spoons, forks, etc.

44. her willingness to do just about anything to "spice things up"

45. cruise ship hot tubs

46. her childlike enthusiasm for anything FisherPrice

47. her ability to do marathons

48. supporting me while I was but a lowly waiter

49. her perseverance 50. everything about her

Reasons Why

First, I got out of a ticket today. Inspection overdue by THREE months.
I got a warning. It pays to be this cute.

Following Random and Odd's "40 reasons he loves me", I am joining the group.

50 reasons why I love my Sweetie:

1. His laugh 2. Squished 3. Toe squeezes 4. Love-ums 5. mostester

6. mexico rocks 7. She's little and she's real 8. hugs

9. how we fit together 10. fucked up movies

11. finishing each other's sentences 12. calling each other in our minds

13. stupid tv 14. walks at night 15. our daughter 16. nose sex

17. his tears when he thinks he is going to lose me

18. his tears when he found out about Serif

19. holding hands 20. putting himself in awkward situations to save us

21. makes me laugh 22. he is as sentimental as I am 23. back rubs

24. princess pregnancy 25. I feel safe with him like no one else

26. saving kittens 27. proper burials 28. poetry 29. his senses

30. I still get butterflies in my stomach, even after 14 years

31. so very creative and talented 32. gorgeous body

33. his patience with my depression 34. reading to me

35. handmade cards

36. we are on the same page with politics and religion

37. cheesecake factory 38. Hayao Miyazaki movies 39. breakfasts

40. stolen soup/veggies - we did not steal them, no one did actually

41. jumping up and down in the living room when we bought our house

42. receiving a letter from him as I was getting dressed before our wedding - not a dry eye in the room

43. his support through 2 degrees and with studying for the CPA

44. his desire to become a better man

45. the way he is with Serif. he is the best father

46. his crazy boy side, flipping and such

47. his way to calm me when I freak out before every event

48. his relentless desire to scare me 49. split

50. meeting me on the course of my 2nd half marathon to walk me to the end

Choosing to be happy

Today is a good day. This weekend was good too. Other than some drama on Friday night, the weekend was enjoyable with Niece's b-day party on Saturday and errands on Sunday. It was very nice. The veil of depression lifted. However, it came back down some yesterday as I was not feeling well.

But today is a good day. And that is all that matters. However, today my tummy is bothering me. I don't know if it is what I had for lunch or something else. The part that sucks is that my company brought in BBQ for lunch. It was very yummy. Honestly, all I want right now is my low fat mint chip ice cream. Mint is so nice and soothing.

I had a dream about riding a bike. that I was doing a century ride for Team in Training. Who knows, maybe that is my next step? Only problem is the cost of a bike. And I would love for Sweetie and me to do it together. But normally my dreams are running dreams, and this one was biking, so I wonder what it means.

I am tired again today. I thought I slept good last night too. I hate being tired.

I am happy at work so far. That is a good thing. But today I truly am counting the minutes until I go and get Bug. I just want to take a nap with her. I know we will regret it at 11 when she is still awake, but it sounds divine right now.

Tomorrow is counseling session #3. After this one we have to decide if we are staying with the same guy, if we like him and if he takes our insurance, or if we are going elsewhere for our brain massages. The good news is that we are still working away on the books that we have. I feel like I am getting closer to knowing the true me, my authentic self.

I know it sounds lame. But so far I have gotten a lot out of these books. I am a firm believer in educating yourself. That is prob why I have more self help and exercise books than most libraries, ok not that bad, but many. I feel that I am always on the search for more knowledge about myself, more insight into what I do and how I react. I love psychology. I love looking at situations and seeing signs, known or unknown to those involved at the time.

Sweetie and I want to start a hobby or join a group together. Where do you find ideas for this kind of thing? We are not sure what we want to do; we just know that we want to do it together.

At my last job there was a woman I liked greatly. She is one I miss a lot. On her corkboard she had this saying "It is better to learn to love what you have than to yearn for what might have been".

I think this saying has some good points. While some see it as settling, I see it as keeping your reality in tact. It is easy to get lost in the stars, the past, or many other things that are not reality.

Today I am choosing to be happy. Today I am choosing to be grateful for everything that I have. Today is my choice.

Going Deep

Sweetie doesn't feel well and is resting with Bug. This gives me a chance to blog.

Last night went well. It was much deeper than the first time. Outcome? I am messed up. OK not really that bad. We discussed communication and how Sweetie and I fight. Good thing is that we don't do all the negative things that we could. Actually we don't fight too badly, but there is room for improvement. My problem is that I clam up. I try to run away. I stop talking, change rooms, slam doors. Well that is not true for all discussions. Simple arguments I am in it and fighting back. The same goes for over-the-top-world-ending conflicts. I might try to run but I stop myself and I keep on screaming. These are the ones that I become a different person and my hiding goes away. But for medium arguments, I try to escape. I know more than you wanted to know about me, but it is my blog so na-na.

The counselor suggested I should seek individual counseling on top of the couples. Nice. Actually I could use some. I have pent up feelings that I have not dealt with from many things over my life. When we discussed my wanting to run away with arguments, the counselor asked why I do it. When I said that I have always done it that way (seems it is a family trait), that is when additional counseling was suggested. We told the counselor that we had some good discussions that dealt with issues that would normally go into arguments without the arguments part over the last week. He suggested we try to have more of these over the next week while keeping in mind the negative argument tactics that we use, we discussed Sweetie's problems too so it wasn't all me. Overall, it was good.

Work was very good today. New boss was back and I was actually doing work that I am paid to do. It felt good. I really like my boss. He is not a micro-manager. He says that I am smart enough to figure a lot of it out on my own and smart enough to know when to ask questions. Indeed I am. I am teh smart.

Tomorrow is Friday - yay! Saturday is Niece's 10th b-day, should be a ton of fun.

Light at the end of the tunnel

I am tired. Very very tired. Good mood today so not depressed tired. Just tired. Want to sleep. I went to my car for lunch to read, nice outside. I contemplated a nap while I was there, but it was too hot. Instead I went to the HEB close by and got a diet coke, nuts, and chocolate. You know, the needed items to wake up.

It really feels like the depression is lifting. I know I will always battle this. But I think I am learning more about me and, in the process, taking the veil of sadness off of me. I think this new job is helping too. I felt stuck at the non-profit. Helping cure cancer was very nice - and I will continue to go to their events and such. However, I wasn't doing what I spent so long in school to learn. This morning was good. I was busy meeting with people and finding out what they do. It made the morning pass very quickly.

I am so grateful for being at home last week when the depression was the worst. I think it helped me get it out of my system. I seriously need to start with a consistent exercise routine. Research shows that 30 minutes of exercise a day can give the same benefits as antidepressants for some people.

OK so I get to be petty now. What I love about my job so far, not getting in trouble for being 5 minutes late, having a boss who understands if you need to leave early and doesn't hold against your PTO unless you are gone for half a day, not having to answer the phones, not having to greet people, the ability to wear sandals and flip flops, the ability to take work home, the commute, and well I guess the increase in pay ;-)

Tonight is counseling, reading more in my book, maybe some housework, and early to bed.

Not Us

Semi-hard day. Nothing bad like last week. But feeling the blahs. My new boss left the office this morning and will not be back until Thursday. This is not bad. But I have not been trained enough to have anything to do. So this afternoon is laid back. Tomorrow I will be doing admin stuff to help the team; I don’t mind that at all. But for now, I have silence for my mind to wander.

I did get out for lunch. Didn’t go home this time, went to Schlotskys. OMG I thought I was splurging a lil and not getting my normal and getting a medium. Tonight is my weigh in time. I didn’t go last week and while I don’t think I can stay for the meeting, I wanted to weigh in. I also have not counted my points, just been watching my intake and trying to listen to my body. I got back from lunch very full. I looked up the nutrition, want to start following the program this week, and guess what? Lunch was 32 points. I have had 35 points today. For the non-WW people out there, I have already gone over my points by 13. I do get 35 points a week to use – above the 22 a day, but I am starting this week off with 13 already used. That is ok, I am not giving up. A healthy weight will be mine, in spite of everything.

Last night after I blogged we had a bit of stress. I checked our messages and we had a call from what we found out was a collection agency. The message said that they wanted to speak to Sweetie regarding the matter before moving forward. OK that sounds bad enough. I had no clue what it could be. During our discussion to try and figure it out we opened the mail to find a $1,000 bill from my last two blood lettings. These normally cost me $8.50. I was shocked. Yes, I am making more now, but I wanted to get caught up a little – like buying tires and registration for my car – not paying lab bills.

Sweetie was awesome. He took everything to work. Insurance is with his work and the collection call was for Sweetie – so I couldn’t call. Within the 1st hour of being at work he had it all worked out. Collection call was for a loan that was not ours. They tried to tell him that he got a loan with XYZ company in 2000. He said he did not. They got cocky and asked when he last looked at his credit report. He said last year and that this was not on it. That is when they realized that the SSN and Addresses did not match up. He also called the lab. They were very nice. He got it all worked out and they are resubmitting the insurance claim and will send updated statements to us. In a word he was awesome.

Tomorrow night is our next counseling session. We have done a lot this week. Nothing prescribed by the counselor mind you, but a lot for us. We have gotten more from other resources than from our session. Our communication has been much more open and honest. Now this does not mean that we are quitting our counseling, I just think we might need to find someone new, but tomorrow night will tell. The main thing is for us to keep at it. I truly think that all couples would benefit from counseling of some sort. I am grateful that Sweetie set this up.

Ok off to weigh in – ugh, and get my Bug – YAY.

1st day

It went well. I met most everyone. I am in a cubicle for now but am getting an office before year end. I had lunch with Sweetie. We met at home and ate leftovers. I know it doesn't sound romantic, but it was. And when I left work, I passed some purple flowers. The aroma was overpowering. I took it in and smiled in the 82 degree weather. Then I had a large butterfly fly in front of me.

Tonight Sweetie made us pork loin stir fry. This is his dish. It was yummy.

What a great first day.

And I get paid on Friday, I was afraid I would have to wait until the 15th.

Checking In

Hi there everyone. I just thought I would jump on and check in with everyone. Today has been a good family day. We went to the mall and got my new necklace adjusted and Sweetie's ring polished. When we came back Sweetie worked on the yard. Bug and I helped him pick up his tools in the rain. She was such a lil helper that she put on her daddy's work gloves.

We went to Mom's to watch Grey's Anatomy - missed it on Thursday - I hate the new time slot. I love that she has DVR.

Bug was good and went to bed early tonight, I am sure we will pay in the morning. Sweetie and I had enough time to work on the books that we are working on for us and have some good conversation. I love laughing with this man.

I am doing much better with the depression. I think the books and counseling are helping me a lot. Now all I have to add is the exercise and I should be set.

Tomorrow is store, shopping for niece, and other odds and ends.

I hope everyone had a great Saturday.

Today's Tidbits

~ On Tyra's show yesterday she went on and on and on and on about how over the summer she lost 10 pounds. How since no longer modeling she got comfortable and her thighs were starting to get thick. WTF???? Ten pounds. Makes me want to hit her. Seriously hit her.

~ Today Sweetie surprised me with a necklace. Backtrack. On our 2nd dating anniversary (1994) I bought Sweetie an Alpha Omega ring from James Avery. He wore it everyday. He loves that ring. A little over a year ago he lost it. We could not find it anywhere. Two weeks ago this coming Sunday Sweetie found the ring. It was in our brown chair. He was so happy. He says he feels complete again. So today he surprised me with a prayer scroll necklace with Alpha Omea on it. On the inside scroll he wrote me a love letter. So sweet. Man I adore him. Tomorrow we go to get the adjustable leather cord adjusted to my size. I cannot wait to wear this necklace.

~ Today something kinda creepy also happened. I had Dr Phil on in the living room and I was in the laundry room, computer and all, folding and hanging laundry. I went into the masterbedroom closet to hang clothes. I could not hear the TV in this room. Yet I heard a male voice say "Missy?" My heart dropped. I stopped for a second and responded with "yes?" Nothing. I go back to the laundry room and im Sweetie and ask if he called me in his mind - we have had that happen before. Nope not at that moment. Noone in the house. Kinda creepy. Not sure who was visiting. I kept asking what they wanted, but no response.

What I did today, by Missy

Today consisted of:

~Girlie doctor - all is good and another prescription for the ring

~A nap that was wonderful

~Lunch with Sweetie that consisted of eating and playing cards

~Journaling in green pen

~Learning more about myself

~Going to Target with Sweetie and Bug

~Listening to Sweetie and Bug have the absolute best time running around the clothing section laughing and carrying on while I picked out new PJs for Bug

~Having to open the bag of Goldfish while still in Target because she knows what that bag means and she means business

~Having the best tomato basil soup for dinner

~Getting ready for bed feeling less depressed than when I woke up

~Knowing tomorrow will be even better

Hard Day

I miss you, Dad!

Strip Mall Counseling

We survived tonight. Actually it was really good. The first session is always a look at the history and current situation. Other than the counselor being in a physical therapy office, having no one to give us the forms to fill out when we arrived 15 minutes early (as we were instructed), and ending the session a few minutes early, it was good.

We have the next two sessions scheduled. We shall see what happens. He said that our problems are very fixable and that we have a strong marriage. That makes me feel good. I think the fact that we were very honest, up front, and said we were interested in long term counseling showed how badly we want to improve our relationship.

We left laughing and joking. We enjoyed a nice dinner where we continued our conversation. It was a very nice evening. Not what you would expect from counseling, but that is good.

Count Down

2.5 hours until our counseling session. I am nervous. Meeting with a new Counselor is always nerve wracking.

Today has been a great and relaxing day. Dr appt went as expected. Depression not related to meds, must work on me. Took a long nap with the windows open because of the beautiful weather outside. Had lunch with Sweetie. And sat on my Swing while reading for a couple of hours. Now I am getting ready to pick Bug up from school.

I will let everyone know how it goes tonight.

it's butt kicking time

Sorry for my absence. Last week was crazy. It was my last week at my non-profit. It was busy and emotional. I had my going away lunch on Thursday. Sweetie even came and we enjoyed some FireBowl. After, I went and gave my blood. I got the results on Friday. The exact results will be discussed at my appointment tomorrow morning.

This weekend was crazy busy. Friday night we drove to Canyon Lake with MIL so Bug could meet her Great-Aunt and Great-Uncle. We came back early Saturday afternoon. That night Sweetie and I had a date night. Bug even stayed the night at Mom’s house. We had the BEST date. We bought movie tickets and had time to kill. So, we went to the mall and shared a smoothie. Then we went and saw Little Miss Sunshine. That was a hilarious movie. I laughed so very hard. Seriously, a funny movie. We finished the date with a trip to the Arbor. We enjoyed Barnes & Noble, a nice romantic walk through the parking garage, and finally ending at Cheesecake factory with sharing a strawberry-shortcake and drinks. Such a great date. The evening was filed with much laughter and intimate conversation.

Today has been one errand to the next. We are in the process of some home improvement projects. Should be fun. We are working on our yard, flooring, and painting our bedroom.

This blog may be changing. As I said above, I received my test results. I have been experiencing some bad, for me at least, depression for a couple of months. I thought it was due to my medication level needing reduction. I found out on Friday that my levels are normal.

I refuse to go back on meds, so I am in the process of working on me. Knowing full well that depression and emotional issues are always complicated, Sweetie and I are starting counseling tomorrow. Every couple has issues to one degree or another. We have a strong base and love each other very much. We simply want to make sure that it stays that way.

The reason I bring it up is that I am going to use this blog to help work through my issues. This might make the blog more boring, or not, who knows.

I am off from work this next week and plan to work on me. I will keep everyone updated.

Eight weeks until my B-day. I am hoping to make progress in kicking this depression’s ass.

Tears in the Morning

Today marks 5 years since 9-11. This post is not about that. This is not out of disrespect. Rather, this is due to the fact that I feel unable to write a post powerful enough to express my thoughts and attitude about that day. If you wish to read some amazing posts on the subject please go here or here.

This post is about friendship. True friendship is receiving a call and when you hear your friend crying on the other side, you begin to cry too - real tears. Friendship is wanting to do ANYTHING to take care of that friend, but knowing that all you really can do is listen and offer advice based on your own experiences.

This is how my day started. I would not trade it for anything because it means that I am this person's "go to" friend. And friend, if you are reading this, know that it will get better. And know that I am here in any way that you need to help.

And what do I do when I find out another friend has the same traits of friends gone bad in my past. Nothing has been done to me or against me so far. But shouldn't I stop it at the pass and end the friendship, or at least not pursue it, based on this similarity? I am turning 30 in 9 weeks, shouldn't I surround myself with only the best people? If I don't step back, aren't I just waiting to be hurt again? Or would doing this lead to me living in a constant fear and criticism of being hurt? And don't the best people even have their flaws?

Adult friendship is such a tricky thing. Everyone has their own lives, their own drama, their own situations. I am all about surrounding yourself with a variety of people in a variety of situations. At what point do you say "sorry, your difference is too much for me"?

I think the bigger question is, what traits define "the best people"?

Such a Mom

Bug has a slight fever from yesterdays shots. I cancelled my dinner plans tonight so I can be with her. Sweetie is absolutely the best dad ever, but I would hate being away from her when she doesn't feel well.

And then I had another "Oh my goodness I am such a mom" moment. I got a Quizno's Flatbread salad - love them. Along with my salad I got a Toffee Peanut Butter Chocolate Chunk Cookie. Sounds divine, right? I look over at the cookie while I am eating my salad and think "I am going to wait to eat that, I want to share it with Bug".

HYPER

Not sure why, but I am hyper. I have been going non-stop today.

This morning was Bug's 15 month appointment. Our Dr is in a new office. Last week when we were there Bug was shy and timid - she wasn't sure of this new place. Today we walk in and she acted like she ran the place. In the waiting room she was talking away, we were the only ones there, and she kept going to the door that actually goes into the office area and yelling at it - she knew we were supposed to go through there. Then she had to sit in the chairs, big people chairs mind you, all by herself and I had to sit in the one next to her. When the nurse called our name, Bug walked right in the door and went to the scale. I tell you, she remembered.

Bottom line, she is healthy healthy healthy. Her height is on the growth chart. Her weight isn't, but it has been improving each time we go in. Then she got three shots. Good news is that she is done for shots until she is 4. We don't go back for another well-baby check-up until she turns 2.

Then I get to work and find out that another coworker is leaving. Seems everyone is bailing. I had to deal with both her and my paperwork for HR and then I was working on special projects for the walk in Oct. Talk about busy. It felt good. I felt needed. Not enough to stay, but enough to be leaving on very good terms.

Life is so funny. I accept a job offer, a good one mind you. Then Tuesday night I got a call from a CPA firm in Georgetown that I applied to. They wanted an interview. Of course, I declined explaining that I already received a position. It would be a longer commute and I am pretty sure less pay. Then yesterday I received a call from Dell regarding wanting to set up interviews. Now I have heard stories about the long hours at Dell. So I am much happier with the decision I made, but isn't it funny. They all come out of the woodwork AFTER I accept an offer.

But I am hyper. And that is a good thing.

84 Degrees

Today's lunch was PERFECT. I took my packed, and low point, lunch to Sweetie's work and we ate outside at a picnic table next to a pond in front of his building. The weather was perfect, low humidity and only 84 degrees. So awesome after the hottest August ever. Don't worry, it is expected to get back to 96 by Saturday.

I am in the best mood today. I feel strong about my decision to leave. The money is going to help. Bottom line is that I want out of debt. And I will be back in my field. Now this means that I will need to study for the CPA once I get acclimated. Which I think working with three other CPAs will help that. And I am already being recruited to get my new company to form corporate teams for the non-profit's events.

I am feeling very healthy today. I hope this sticks around. I want to walk tonight. And I already have my list of chores to do tonight. Google Spreadsheets all the way. I have a huge spreadsheet with what I want to accomplish in each room of my house. And since it is in Google Spreadsheets, I can access it anywhere - heehee

Parting is such sweet sorrow

It is done. Notice given, resignation accepted. I officially end my tenure at my non-profit on th 15th. I assured everyone that I will remain active with the upcoming events. It was hard, everyone was shocked. Now I have the fun of writing procedures and training someone to fill in until they find a replacement.

HowieMaui and I went back to Weight Watchers tonight. It can't hurt, right? Don't worry, I will keep everyone up to date on my progress.

Up Late

OK so it isn't late, but I am giddy knowing that due to the three day weekend that I get to stay up late tonight. Yes, I am boring. Bug sleeps on me, Sweetie finishes up the assembly of Niece's b-day invites, and I watch Sex in the City while blogging. Life is good.

While I am thrilled to have tomorrow off, I dread that I have to wait an extra day to give notice. I am not looking forward to it. I really do like all of my coworkers, esp now that my boss is gone. I have a feeling that they are going to take it hard. My substitute boss arrives Tuesday morning. Ugh, I hate giving notice.

I have several co-workers who have myspace accounts. One asked me on Friday for a friend invite, I have a myspace to keep track of friends but the username it is not known at work. I told her flat out no. I said that we could not be myspace friends as long as we worked together. She pouted but agreed with my thinking. Friday night I sent a friend request. I guess on Tuesday she will realize the significance.

Photo of the day:

In Celebration

In celebration - since tonight is celebrating Brother's new job and I do not want to steal his thunder, I am posting a picture that makes me smile. Enjoy.

Me Time

Oh I loves me some me time. I got off work at 3:00. Due to not wanting to drive all the way home and back to pick Sweetie up at 5:00, I ended up at the Arboretum for 2 hours of quality me time. My first stop was at Starbucks for a Pumpkin Frap - what a perfect way to pretend it is fall. I walked around, looked at shops, found cute shirts at the Gap that I did not buy, found some items at Bath and Body works but did not buy, and really didn't find anything at Pottery Barn - but enjoyed looking. I worked my way back to B&N, found a book I wanted to buy and a big chair to lounge in. I was having a good time.

Then the phone rings. Backtrack - I found out this morning that company close to home was calling references. No hopes up at that point, you never know. So it was 4:45, I had already given up hope of hearing anything today.

Bottom line, I GOT THE JOB. On 9/25 I start as the Accounting Manager for a retirement and health benefits administration company. WOO HOO!!!!!!!! Everyone I interviewed with has been there 11-17 years. That is impressive.

I am so excited, but it feels so strange. This is the first job that I have gotten where when taking it I am thinking of long term. Every other job has been "while in school" or "until something better". While I am still studying for the CPA, I do not plan to look for a job after I complete it. You see, I will need it. My boss, his boss, and her boss all have their CPAs. Oh and did I mention that they don't really do any overtime? I am so excited.

So on Tuesday I give notice at my non-profit. That is going to be hard for me. I really do love the people and the work is a no brainer (of course that is why I am looking). I am giving two weeks and then taking a week for myself.

It just seems so strange. I am an Accounting Manager!

Rock On

First, today marks one year of working mommy-ness. Last year today I went back to work after my maternity leave. So much has changed in one year.

Also my Brother got a job, yay Brother.

I am totally going to get in shape. How could I not with two personal trainers living with me? Yesterday, Sweetie offered to feed Bug while I worked out. I didn't want to go, but was thanking him afterwards as I felt very accomplished. He is so supportive, I am so lucky. Then tonight I didn't want to go again. When is it going to be a habit? But I found Bug doing this:


She was climbing INTO her stroller. Sweetie wanted to see if she really wanted in, or if she was just practicing her climbing. She indeed wanted to go for a ride. I realized quickly that she is just keeping me on my plan to get healthy. I changed my clothes and we were on our way. She was awesome. She stayed awake the whole time and was talking to me throughout the walk. Of course, each cat or dog that she saw received the famous Bug "hhhhiiiiii".

Today I had lunch with Sweetie. When I asked where he wanted to eat and he said "anyplace I can smooch you lots". *grin*

Emotional Ramble

The internet is a funny thing. It connects people from different areas on a daily basis. I read blogs from all over. And I always get excited when I see people from new places hit my blog. We share our lives and grow attached to these people, people we may have never met in real life. When they experience a hard situation, we read, care, and hope our comments help. I am not good at the commenting part. I used to be, but it seems lately I simply do not have the time. A couple of my internets are going through a hard time right now. It kills me. I am amazed that I am moved so much by people I have never met. It makes me feel human. And it makes me feel that my problems, my Graves' and looking for another job, are nothing.

This past weekend Sweetie and I had a great couples evening. We talked that kind of serious couple talk where the hours fly by and the world stops at the same time. Where random inside jokes are created. Where there are tears and hugs but much much more laughter. Where you talk until you fall asleep in each other's arms and realize in the middle of the night that all the lights were left on. It was a great evening. It was the kind of evening that reminds me why I am with Sweetie. He is my best friend. We talk about everything.

I have been very emotional for the last few days. I counted it up to the job search. I hate the process. I hate the interviews, the waiting, the anticipation of acceptance or rejection. Wondering if leaving is the right decision. Then today it hit me. I looked at my work calendar on my wall. Last week of the month, time to change it to the next month (it is a dry erase calendar that I get why too much happiness from updating). September. September means potentially cooler weather, Labor Day weekend, an special day for Sweetie and me, and my niece's 10th b-day. However, September also means the anniversary of my father's death. I will not dwell on it, I know I will post more about it. But I will say, I cannot believe it has been almost 9 years. I think I am more emotional about it this year, and earlier than normal, because of Bug. She is so big and neat and fun now. I love her being a toddler. Well, that and Mom and I already being in the fall mindset. Mom and I are already thinking about the holidays. Bug is going to be so much more active than last year. This makes me miss my dad. He liked the toddler age.

Which also bring me to my B-day. I have let go of any weight goals for my b-day, for the most part. Since it depends on my thyroid and I have little control over that, I am focusing on being as healthy as I can. I know I posted that before. But I am posting it again today for me. You see today is cloudy and was rainy. That combined with me not feeling great, stupid head cold, makes me want to eat crap. I never realized how I react to my surroundings or situations. This is something I am working on. I have been good and stuck to the food I brought today. I feel accomplished. Now if I workout tonight, it will be a true victory. I think the biggest thing is me not being on a diet, I am simply eating differently. I know it sounds the same. However, it is very different. I had an extra snack today - although something healthy - to ward off this urge for junk food. When I did points, I would obsess about the number of points I ate, if hungry I would not eat and end up putting it off until I no longer cared and ate too much. I feel more in control. And if I am exercising regularly and making healthier choices, how can I call that a failure if I don't reach the weight I think I should in a particular time frame.

I am still up in the air on how I want to celebrate. I am thinking part of it will include a romantic dinner at an upscale restaurant.

Credible Threat

In the book that I am working, a large part is exercise. To make yourself get off the couch the book says to set up a credible threat. Much like a child not being able to watch TV until they complete their homework, you must set up consequences. Mine? I cannot get on my laptop until I complete at least 30 minutes of exercise. How long will this work? I don't know. All I know is that it worked today. I did not exercise this morning, snuggled a Bug instead. However, when Bug and I arrived home (Sweetie was working late), I gave her a quick drink and changed my clothes. We were out the door before 6:00. Yay for a great 30 minute workout.

Picture Time

I realized today that I have not posted photos in such time. So sit back and enjoy.
How do I say cheese when I have a mouth full of cheese?

This is one of the roses from my post on Friday - I love this photo.

Harvard will be calling any day now!

Which load does this go in?

Today

I am at work. My feet are without shoes and are propped up. My belly is full of great pokejoes salad and fruit. I leisurely sip on diet coke while looking at 4 beautiful orange roses in full bloom (a gift from a co-worker to all the staff). I am in a great mood. Since I am the only manager here, we are closing at 3 today. I rule. I have work to do. I do not want to do it. I want to blog, I want to read, I want to knit. I want to do anything else but work. It isn't that I am particularly unhappy with the work or my job in general. I just do not want to do it today. So I made my to-do list for Monday and will tackle it then. I am thinking ahead to whether I want to spend some alone time this afternoon, or if I want to get Bug.

Last night's S&B was great. Good food, good conversation, good laughs. Sweetie took perfect care of Bug, as always.

This weekend is pretty open, as far as plans go. I like that. I am not even sure if we are getting together with brother tonight.

What I do know is that I get a couple of days with Sweetie and Bug, and that is all that matters in this world.

OK time to pack up. Have a great Friday.

S&B

What to say today. Tonight is stitch-n-bitch. We will be one down as Cancer HS friend started chemo yesterday.

So our substitute boss, who I pretty much like. Though I know he is slimy, but that will have to wait for another post another day. He will not be in the office next week. I found this out today. Nothing out of the norm. However, I am supposed to hear about both interviews next week. This means if I happen to get, and accept, an offer, I will have to give notice over email.

So I am eating my healthy snack, carrots and string cheese, hoping it will last until dinner tonight. HS friend C is making us chicken and dumplings - yummy.

I got to hold a 6 week old baby today. I worried that it would make me want another and with me being on my meth, I cannot get pregnant for another 2 years. Well, that is one CUTE baby. She is in the 75th percentile. So different from Bug. But it did not bring up any "wanting baby" feelings. Honestly, my thoughts were "wow this is when it was so hard (though I didn't know it was hard at the time) and it is so much easier now. Yay.

I added my photo to my gtalk account. It made me happy. I think it is because of what I am working on now. The book I am working talks about getting to the reason you overeat, eat badly, or don't exercise. It talks about changing habits and lifestyle in a way that you are not always thinking about food. The goal is to be happy with who you are. Not meaning to do nothing and accept yourself, but rather work hard to get healthy because you deserve it. This is exactly what I have been looking for. Now I just have to put it into practice. I love it. Already I am looking at things very differently. A big part of it is that it is not a plan - therefore you cannot go off of it. So that is what I am doing. Instead of sitting for the CPA this calendar year, I am improving myself, my health, and organizing my house and life. Then after the holidays I will begin studying.

Now I am going to go pick up my Sweetie, pick up my Bug, get them set up for dinner and go to my S&B.

And tomorrow is FRIDAY - yay.

In love

Google Spreadsheets

Need I say more? Feed my addition google, feed it!

This must mean that there are others like me.

MMMM flatbread salad

So yesterday marked two years since camping with the Divas. Very funny. So much has changed in that time frame. It makes me smile.

So I had my two interviews today. One is downtown, in a building Sweetie used to work in, and the other close to home. Both would be great opportunities. We shall see. That is all I can say. I hope to know something by Labor Day.

Sweetie was awesome this morning and got Bug all ready for school while I got ready for my interview. He is good like that.

I grabbed a flat bread salad from Quiznos in between interviews - it was yummy and much healthier than fries and a burger.

Now I have a headache. prob because that was my excuse for calling in today. Stupid karma.

Now I need a nap. But I wanted to let everyone know that I survived both interviews. Now I wait. Doesn't everyone know that I hate waiting?

Interesting Day

Well last week I found out that I did not get the entry level accounting job that I interviewed for and the CPA Firm responded saying no to the salary demand. I am grateful for both.

I have two interviews tomorrow. Very interesting. Turns out that I am interviewing with someone I worked with back in my days with entertainment lighting. Small world. The second would be nice because it is an Accounting Manager and that is always nice for the 'ol resume. That and it is only 4.7 miles from home.

I gave both my salary requirement. Hopefully they paid attention. While I am looking, the main reason is due to money. Otherwise, I love the time off and such. So it is going to take some moo-lah to get me. LOL.

We will see. I have no hopes up.

This weekend was nice and relaxing. The best part was last night. I was cleaning bottles and sippy cups at the sink in the kitchen. Bug came in a couple of times and hugged my legs. I loved it but worried that she would get upset that I could not pick her up. This was not the case. She ran off again, came back and hugged my legs. This time she added a zerbert (or strawberry) to my thighs. I giggle, of course. She does it again. It became this whole game of me getting my legs hugged and zerberted. It made me really feel like a mom with a kid, not a baby, but a kid.

Man I love her.

That and falling asleep in Sweetie's arms last night. It just felt so right and comfy. I love days like that.

Oh and I dropped my classes. I was going to take two to defer my loan payments. However, I got the big one deferred based on my low salary. That is right, I make little enough to claim economic hardship. I don't have to pay on this loan for a year. And while taking classes would defer the smaller one, between books and tuition I would be spending the same amount anyway.

And in other good news, I have been reading a book about weight loss and I think it is going to really help. Once I get through it and have a final opinion, I will let you know what it is. But so far so good.

And while the laundry is not all put away yet, we are working on it everyday. Slow progress is still progress. I am hoping to get some done on my bedroom tonight, as I practice my interviewing skills. I really do hate interviews.

Now it is time to pick up my little pixie. I hope everyone has a great evening. I will let you know how the interviews go.

Quick check in

Just a quick check in before I head home. DD spoke with me and wants me as back up for this campaign. I am cool with that.

CPA update. They finally wrote to me. Just over two weeks later than they said they would. They offered me the position. I replied with demanding more money. That sounds like I am tough, doesn't it? Well, I put it nicely that I would need more money but that I would love to work there. We will see what they say. I am expecting a big no. However, the way I see it, when I woke up this morning I thought they had already moved on from me. I am standing up for myself. Yay. Either way I win.

I am hoping to workout tonight. However, I had some very bad neck cramps during the night and early morning. My neck is sore from them. So depending on how it feels, I might just go for a walk and leave out the jogging aspect.

And, drum roll please, after tonight - all laundry (clothes, sheets, and towels) will be clean in my house. YAY. Now I am not saying put away. But we are doing some every night and making much progress. This makes me feel like I have control in my life. The remainder of the week will be spent putting away the clothes, going through clothes in dresser, cedar chest, and garage. ROCK ON!!!! I know it sounds boring, but it makes me happy.

Well, it is about time to start packing up. I hope everyone has a great Wednesday night.

More bitching

So the Development Director here commented on one of our programs on Friday. She wants to meet with me today to discuss it. She asked if I would be interested in this particular campaign. Not saying a straight out no, and wanting to be open minded, I prepare myself for our discussion. I go into the employee files to see what this campaign coordinator makes, assuming it will be the same or more than me, as I am on the "management committee".

Nope she makes more. Not a lot but more. So I look through the other files. There are two people who have been here right at a year, or less, that make more than me that I am supposed to "manage". And the management team that I am on, they all make 10k more.

Now I understand that this is a non-profit. However, when I tried to negotiate, I was told that this salary was set in stone. As the Office Manager, I should have had the employee files all along. Nope, ex-boss kept them in her office and when sending paperwork to home office would put "confidential" across the seal. I could not understand why I could not know these things when other office managers within our organization keep these files in these office. Now I know.

Pisses me off. Want to know why? If I was at 10k more, I would not be looking. I would be settling in and happy. But no, I feel I am stressed and looking for another job. I feel that I am in a limbo. That pisses me off.

On a happy note, Sweetie and I really got a lot done yesterday after the grocery store. Bug fell asleep and took a couple hours of a nap. I went through our closet. I picked up clothes from the floor, and created a give away pile. This is HUGE for me. But both Sweetie and I have hit the point of wanting to consolidate. And although the clothing is in GREAT shape, I have in my give away pile my mustard shirt with shoulder pads bought around 1989 and a pair of stir-up pants that I am sure are from around the same time frame. I did not go through Sweetie's clothing except for the T-back t-shirts that he wore during our first summer together.

While I was attacking the closet, Sweetie was sorting and folding the freshly washed clothing. I am on a "everything in the house will be clean this week" kick. He is very good about the folding - even has a flip-n-fold, or whatever it is called.

By the time that Bug woke up, we accomplished so much. I am taking advantage of this energy and organization streak. Hoping to finish the laundry tonight and start on our bedroom tomorrow.

I realized that I will not be the healthiest that I can be if I am studying to test for the CPA. And I need to be the healthiest that I can be before I start studying. So that is my goal. Healthy and happy.

Less than 3 months to b-day.

1pm

It is 1pm. I know, that does not mean a thing. However, I have only been awake for about 20 minutes. That is right, let me say it again - TWENTY MINUTES. That is because of my wonderful husband. I got over 12 hours of sleep. Now there were some wake ups due to Bug, but still. I LOVE it. I was coughing some right before bed so I took my yummy cough syrup. This means that when I was asleep, I was really asleep. I know they say sleep is important and yadda yadda yadda. Now I soooo agree. I am feeling great.

This week I have been suffering/fighting some depression. Sweetie feels powerless when this happens. So he got up with Bug and did all the morning things with her. I woke up to find them sleeping on the couch, it is nap time. I weighed myself (down 2 this week), changed the laundry over, checked email, cut up some wonderful honeydew melon, and am now blogging. What a great morning/afternoon so far. I have no idea how much time I have here. Bug's naps can last anywhere from an hour to four.

This weekend is nice. We have no plans and we are not preparing for a party in the next week. Seems our weekends lately have been jam packed with activities or preparing for activities. Not sure what we are going to do today - it really doesn't matter as long as I get to do it with my family.

And I am not committing to anything. But, I have been seriously thinking about training for a triathlon. The one I want to do is on Memorial Day. Now the level? I am not sure. They have this cute version called First Tri. It is about half of a sprint distance for the bike and swim but still a 5k for the run. Then there is the sprint and Olympic distances. I think I will aim for sprint or Olympic. Work is wanting me to do it, but I am not sure about the fundraising.

What started this? Of course IronDiva completing a FULL ironman really started everything. Then DarkDiva (who I never thought would even want to do an athletic event like this) completed the Danskin and the Rogue (both sprint distances) in June and July. That got my brain thinking. However, then MotoDiva completed the Danskin (not her first, but awesome nevertheless) AND then surprised us all by training and completing the Vineman 1/2 Ironman. This was her first of this distance. This is basic way it works. Sprint is normally the shortest, Olympic is twice the sprint, 1/2 ironman is twice the Olympic, and full ironman is twice the 1/2. I don't think I will want to venture into the ironman world, but an Olympic distance would be awesome.


** I had a great post but blogger froze up. From this point on was lost. Sorry if it now seems rushed.


I figure I need to start training in January. So my goal now is to get to the point where I can run a 5k. I started my training this week. I figure if I can run the 5k, then I can focus on the swimming and biking.

Because of my knee, and never running a mile in my life, I have to work slowly into this running business. So far, I did it twice this week, it has been great workout. I am working with intervals. It really gets my sweat pumping, but I have not been sore, so I feel I am working at a good level.

Though, I will always be a walker at heart.

Pity Party of One

Pity party time. I try not to do it very often, so bear with me.

This week I have worked out twice and did a bit better with my eating. However, my cramps have been worse than ever. I am getting several at a time and EVERYDAY. They are so bad that I cannot speak normally and it is all that I can do to not cry or scream. I hate this. Monday, Bug had a Dr's appointment. As I was bringing her home, I experienced four cramps along my left side. This was bad enough that I was not able to get Bug's ear drops and was grateful to find a sleeping baby when I pulled into the driveway. Don't worry, the right side didn't get left out, it cramped up that night. Every day is bad, but today I got four really bad ones while at work. I was in a co-worker's office. Both buttocks and hamstrings seized up. It was all I could do to leave the office and get to the bathroom.

And there are people who have it much worse than me. I know this, but it is really getting to me. I don't go back to the Dr until 9/18.

I am seriously thinking about suggesting to go off the meds for like 6 months to see what happens.

Superwoman

I don’t want to work today. I had an interview yesterday. Not sure how it went. It is for an Accountant I position. That mean new graduate. I am not a new graduate, but their job site said this was “a perfect match”, so I applied. I am not getting into the details. Not sure if I want it or if they would even want me. I am over qualified.

I met with six people. I met with all but two as a one-on-one. This was a long interview. Each person was confused by my resume. I graduated with my BBA in 2002. But I was working since 1997. How is that possible? Each one was shocked to hear that not only did I work while attending school (that was shocking enough), but that I worked in Accounting and full time throughout my BBA and MBA. I mean they were super shocked. They did not know how to take the information. They were impressed, like I was superwoman. I left out that I finished my MBA while not only working but at 36 weeks pregnant. I think that would have caused a melt down. Of the professionals that I respect, the majority worked while attending school. This includes past supervisors, my mentor, and other coworkers and friends. For these people to not comprehend that I was able to do it all while maintaining good grades and keeping up with monthly close and audits floors me. I am not sure if this was a good or a bad sign.

Funny

So work has blocked all blogs. Meaning anything with Blogspot in the address. Fine. Whatever. I will work. But I still have full access to blogger's site. This means that while I may not be able to read other blogs while at work, I still can blog. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

The remainder of the weekend was very nice. Bug got in a pool for the first time. She had fun. I heard all about MotoDiva's first half ironman. This group is definitely my athletic group. Very impressive. It makes me want to get off my butt.

OK off to take Bug to her ENT - time for a check up.

Thoughts from the couch

Party was a success. I could not even stay up for all of it. I passed out around 4, I think. Sweetie said that last of the guests left around 5:30. Currently Bug and Sweetie sleep. Have to be ready for another party tonight. Luckily, this one is without alcohol.

I have to figure out what I am going to wear.

14 weeks until my b-day. I have a plan for me to feel my best. And I have not decided if I am going to save testing for 2007. I may take the next three months to focus on me, my health - mental and physical, as well as my organization of my house. Then I could take the needed 6 months and crank it out. This would allow more time for my meds to be regulated as well as any adjustment if I start a new job. Not to mention, if I am successful in my goal for my b-day, I will have more confidence, and that can't hurt.

Today is a Tori Amos day. One of those days where her music makes the most sense. Not in depressed way - because I do tend to listen to her when I feel sad - but in a comforting way. These cd's are like old friends. I know some of you understand. This a bubble bath day, maybe I will get one before the party. Otherwise holding my sleeping baby. blogging, and singing along to my iTunes will have to do.

During my nap, well before I feel asleep, I was taken back years ago - not sure when, but we were in this house, so after 1999. It was a fall day. One of the first days where you don't have to have the AC running. Yet the sun was bright as a summer day. Sweetie and I had the living room windows open. Between the outside breeze and the overhead fan, there was a nice movement of cool air. We napped. Both on our large couch. In the background played a collection of arias. It is a memory of the perfect nap. I wonder if Sweetie remembers. There was nothing else significant about the day. Yet, I remember this nap. I remember being in and out of sleep, holding my love, and listening to beautiful music.

I love memories like this. These are the type of memories that make a relationship. While the typical over-the-top romantic moments for valentines day, b-day or anniversary are great, it is the "little things" that stay in your mind years later that are the support of the relationship. Like inside jokes, favorite card games, or a silly language.

Bug is starting to stir, that is my cue to bring this post to a close.

Five minutes to blog

Last night was the book club. We had a good time with some good food and conversation, little about the book as we did not like it. Bug came with and that allowed Sweetie to clean some for the party. That, in turn, allowed me to take a nap this morning after he left for work. Hahaha.

He did get his turnovers. Always homemade, always on his b-day. I have done this for him as long as we have lived together, 9 years. They were yummy.

I am killing time until I need to leave to meet Sweetie and his co-workers for his b-day lunch.

He is having a good day and that makes me happy.

After some last minute shopping for tonight, I will be back cleaning up and decorating for the party. YAY!

Work was good on Wed and Thurs. I love our substitute boss. I also met with two headhunters. We shall see. If I have a great boss, I might want to stay and take advantage of the low stress atmosphere. It is nice to know that I work from 9-5 without any overtime.

OK Sweetie just told me that they are heading out. That means that it is time for me to close. Off for our favorite Chinese.

Happy Birthday Sweetie!!

Happy Birthday Sweetie. I love you so very much. I hope your every wish comes true. You are my soulmate and best friend and I will always want/need you.

Should be

Let's play a game - the "should be" game. I should be cleaning for Sweetie's party on Friday. I should be working out. I should be reading my book for Thursday's book club meeting.

But I have not blogged in so long. And I know there are people DYING to know about my life. So I have to shift my priorities.

~Bug has 6 - almost 7 teeth
~As of right now, if CPA firm offers, I am saying no.
~Sweetie's b-day is Friday and I am taking the day off.
~I registered for classes - to defer my loans.
~One of the classes is Principles of Accounting.
~I hope to start studying for one section of CPA soon.
~My boss's last day was today *BIG GRIN*

Ok I really need to read the book, I will try to post more tomorrow.

Swimming with the fishes

OMG I am still laughing.

Sweetie is working late tonight. It is just Bug and me. Starting last week we have been giving her her freedom. We let her play in her room without us being in there. We let her walk around the house,but not in our room - too many things she can get hurt with. So there is a gate into our hallway.

She has walked all over the place tonight.

I know she walked into her bathroom - she is obsessed with the toilet and toilet paper. I knew we were currently out of toilet paper, I finished the roll myself when we got home, so I let her do her thing while carefully listening, of course. I heard nothing, so I thought nothing of it.

Well, I had to use the powder room. So I grabbed the new roll and told Bug to come with me. I wish I didn't have to go as badly as I did. Or else you would see what I experienced.

I found in the toilet......

TWO GOLDFISH. The cracker mind you, but this cracked me up. She snacks while she walks around and plays, my mom calls it her grazing. She must have had two of the goldfish that I gave her - always two at a time as she has two hands you know. She then took them to the bathroom and put them in the toilet.

Note to self, make sure keys are at a high level at all times.

So I flushed the fish.

Cracks me up.

Also when I picked her up from school a teacher I had never met said "she looks just like you". I smiled. We get about half and half of people saying that she looks like me or Sweetie. Then as I was leaving Bug's best friend's mom (yes they are best friends) asked if we cut her hair. When I said no, she said "there is something different about her, she looks just like you today". My Bug!

Night ramblings

I feel very emotional today. Nothing bad caused it, just overly aware of emotions. I know a lot of it is my upcoming decision. I won't bore you with my pros and cons list. But it is a very important decision that I hope that I do not make incorrectly.

I feel distant from some of my friends. I know that part of this is that I pushed some away when I found out about my Graves'. It sucks. But I will pop my head back into their lives and get the closeness back. I just hate it when I do this. I know they understand.

I am sitting in a dark room. The only light coming from the TV and computer. Sweetie and Bug sleep next to me. While I write, I enjoy a chai tea - phase one even. mmmm life is good. I planned to do some cleaning and exercise tonight. That didn't happen as the lack of sleep from the weekend caught up to all three of us and we found ourselves taking a nap after dinner.

And while today was not phase one, it was MUCH better than my recent eating. That makes me feel good. I have to focus on being healthy as a lifestyle choice. It is not a case of "on plan" or "off plan". The scale does not rule all success.

Come on 30, I am going to totally rock.

Play Ball

Tonight we went to dinner with SIL, FBIL (future BIL), Niece, and Bug’s Great Grandpa to celebrate MIL’s b-day. Family is an awesome thing. We had a great time and really made me appreciate living so close to both sides of our family.

So the whole CPA job. BestFriend and Mom are worried about the stress level. The fact that they would push for me to finish my CPA is a pro and con. Part of me wants to postpone the CPA for longer and just focus on enjoying Bug and being healthy. Not meaning staying home, but trying to make my current situation work. I had a good week at work. I got a lot done and part of that is because of my boss being out. This gives me hope.

But enough about that. I have until the 1st to make a decision.

Last night’s stitch-n-bitch was a lot of fun. Sweetie is too good to me. He told me that I can do that kind of thing whenever I want. Well, I don’t know about that, but a couple of times a month is very nice. The funny thing about last night was that we had six women there who are all in different stages/situations in life. We had a widowed grandmother, married with no kids, married with multiple kids, married with first child, marriage ending with one kid, and newlywed cancer patient. It just goes to show that everyone needs a break from reality and interaction with friends.

I want to play Kickball. HowieMaui just sent me a story on leagues forming for adults to play kickball after work once a week for stress relief. That sounds like fun.

Booth Babe

Today I worked at the Dell Community Fair. They had an area set up with booths of local non-profits. This was our third day there, my first. The first hour I was there with another co-worker. The second I was alone. During the second hour, I received 8 people wanting more information on our programs. Plus I gave out a ton of literature. I got more results in my hour than in the pervious 5 combined. I spoke with knowledge and confidence – I don’t think I have ever done that. No “uhm”s, no “and like”s, and I spoke with a passion.

DAMNIT!

Why do I have to be good at that? Why did I have to have this day of knowledge and power, of feeling like I knew what I was talking about?

Yesterday, I received a response from the CPA firm. They said that they have been busy and out of the office. I understand. They are still interested in me and hope to have a final decision by 8/1.

So I have to make up my mind. The interesting thing is that my boss’s last day is 7/31. This means, if I choose to go, that I would not be giving notice to her. And while this has been the case since my boss gave her notice, it is even more so now, I cannot have her in my decision making equation.

Now I have no idea what the environment is like at the CPA firm. But I have no idea what the environment will be like here with a new ED. I feel like either way I am starting a new job.

This is a very hard decision. Part time CPA work is rare (I could finish my CPA faster). But so is a full time job with only 35 hours a week and 4 weeks off a year.

If only this job paid more.

So I have to brag on my Sweetie for a minute. Every morning, I drop him off at work. He gets his bag from the back seat and comes to my window and kisses me. There was a car next to us on my side. So he kissed me. Waited a second, kissed me again, and said that was because he couldn’t walk around. Too cute. Then Tuesday night he had to work late. He went into the office after we had dinner. He was not very late and I was chatting with him while he was at work. He came home, kissed me, and went to the computer room to finish what needed to be done for the next morning. I thought nothing of it. He came back a minute later and snuggled in on the couch with me. He told me that he wanted to spend some time with me before working. Then last night I went to bed first, to read my book for the bookclub and get ready for bed. When I decided I had enough of the reading, put away my book, and turned off my light, I hear our word that we use to mean “I love you more than life” from the living room. I had said nothing and Sweetie was playing his game. I ask why he said that and he said “I heard noises that mean you are going to sleep now.” Oh I love him. It is the little things.

Tonight is the stitch-n-bitch. We should have fun. I will take my knitting and see how far I get. Probably more bitching. HS Cancer friend will be there. I have a ton of information to give her.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate making decisions? Well, I do.

Reality Check

Last night we went on our date. It was a great date. We had sushi - yummy yummy. Sweetie had Sake. We went to see The Lakehouse. The theater started showing up Superman. It was quite funny. We had to have someone go out and tell management that the wrong movie was showing. We had a wonderful time.

Then today I receive a reality check. I found out today that a friend from HS has Hodgkin's - a form of Lymphoma. She and I never hung out outside of school, but we were friends through photography and yearbook. I saw her a couple of times around town over the years and we always did the "how are you?" comments. I really liked her. Well HS friend S is bringing her to the Stitch-n-bitch on Thursday. I am so happy to see her again. She was only diagnosed at the end of June. So she is very new in her journey of kicking cancer's ass. The good news is that Hodgkin's has a very high rate of survival.

So let's make this about me. Just when I am truly thinking of trying to find a new job, reality hits. Someone that I know, someone I can relate to, comes up with a disease that my organization is fighting to end. I want to make sure that she knows everything that we can do for her, support groups and financial aid. She might already know. The real reality check is that I might have already entered her into our database. I know I entered someone by her first name and age.

It is just so close to home. And to be honest, I think that is a reason I have been looking for work. For a few months, I have been entering the patient aid at work. I have been very "close" to our patients. I have received several calls from family about their children or parents being at the end of their journey. The hardest was two weeks ago. A girl who was very active in the society came to the end. She was 15 and knew what this meant. She spent her last days creating artwork that could sell in support of our research. She was amazing. Such a wonderful story. The survival rate is over 80%. But the 20% kills me. When I get a call about our legal name from a 4 year old's lawyer as she is in her last weeks of life, I want to run and hug my Bug and never stop.

I could never be a social worker, a doctor, or anyone of the sort. I am not built like that. I take things very personally. So I think a big part of this job search is wanting to go back to my corporate life, where I can look at numbers and spreadsheets. Where my work life and home life are drastically different.

So now the question is, now that I know someone going through this disease, will it make me want to stay or run faster?

nap time

I have a sleeping Bug on me. We had a rough night last night. She is sick. Not sure with what, but she is. I hate being a working mom sometimes. Not sure about our date tonight. It will all depend on Bug.

Sweetie made us all breakfast this morning. Making breakfast is his "thing". Brown Sugar Pancakes and they were so very yummy. As he cooked, I chased Bug, she was feeling much better from the night before.

One thing I need to keep in mind with this whole "get healthy plan", even with my recent weight gain due to my meds, I am still 20 pounds less than I was at this point last year. And that my friend is still progress.

Tomorrow, I start the workout plan. Suprisingly, with my b-day only 17 weeks away, I do not have a crazy unrealistic workout planned. My plan is to move my body 5-6 times a week. I think that also goes with my lack of crazy unrealistic weight loss goals for my b-day. I have one goal that I am aiming for, to be considered a healthy weight. I have not been considered a healthy weight since late 1999/early 2000.

Then there is the diet. I say that I am starting phase one. However, I am not going to be crazy strict about it. MIL's b-day is during the 14 days involved with phase one. I am still going to eat a piece of the cake that I make her. My real immediate goal is to feel a bit healthier for Sweetie's b-day. There are two weeks from MIL's to Sweetie's b-day.

Somebody is waking up. I have to get her some milk.

Thursday Thirteen

Our family walk did not happen. We came home and put on Finding Nemo while we ate dinner. Shortly after eating, Bug fell asleep. Now what happens when a Bug falls asleep on you? You fall asleep too. I mean we both passed out. Sweetie finished the movie and played on his computer. But Bug and I slept like it was night time - well it was for her. I am back awake now hoping that I did not screw up my sleeping schedule and can sleep tonight. So no walk. But really good sleep.

Mamma Bee and Summer Girl participate in this thing called Thursday Thirteen. I think I will give it a try.

Thirteen Things about Getting Healthier 1. With my thyroid levels normal, I want to focus on being healthier. 2. I know that I need to eat better. My problem is that I am either eating really healthy or crap. There is no in between. 3. I am hoping that if I could feel how eating healthier can make me, well feel, that I would want to do it without needing to be "on plan". 4. I am starting Phase One of South Beach again on Monday. Not sure if I will do the full 14 days. I am aiming for during the week at least. 5. The weekends are the hardest. Honestly, if I could eat closer to Phase Two (more fruits and whole grains) on the weekends and a Phase one day or two during the week, I think I could do this. 6. And then there is exercise. 7. I used to exercise in the morning before getting ready for work. I really liked that time of day. 8. But at 6am I normally have a baby in my arms. I love snuggling her. How do I leave that to exercise? 9. See, this is why I need to get this as a routine before adding more stress to my life. 10. Once I get my butt up, the 6am thing would be best. I could workout and spend one hour for just me. I could walk and do Yourself Fitness. I have been wanting a good workout. To feel my body move. 11. I gave myself this week off to finish getting over that strep, I am still on the antibiotics. But come this weekend, I have to do something. 12. I need to stay away from the vast amount of chocolate in the office. Who knew such athletic people would have so much candy around. 13. Birthday is in just over 17 weeks. 17 weeks until 30. I can make my goal, I just need to be healthy. And give up the numbers. If I am eating healthy and exercising the majority of the week - and it is a habit by my birthday - isn't that meeting my goal of being healthier? Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, IÂ’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

pee pee dance

On our vacation Sweetie and I were going to have a date night. However, we didn’t want to stop the fun of the day with the grandmas and Bug. This means that we need a date. Sweetie came up with the idea for one this weekend. He has planned for us to go to dinner and a movie (The Lake House). He even picked the movie. I also want to do something else as a surprise so I cannot blog about it. No, it is nothing sexual. But he sometimes reads my blog and I don’t want it ruined.

I am so excited about this. We have not had any time alone, other than getting ready for bed at night, in some time. So we will celebrate my levels and my upcoming attempt of phase one.

Work has been pretty good this week. I am just trudging along. Actually, I am trying to make it a job I love, in case this is where I am supposed to be.

It is all about perspective.

But I have to get off my butt. We have a family walk planned after dinner. Hope we do it. There is a cute little park that I would like to walk to for Bug. That and Sweetie and I have always used walks as a time to chat. And that is always good.

Mom’s b-day was this past weekend. We had a relaxing time and hung out at her house eating the cake I made, and it was good. This is a very busy birthday season. First is Bug, then Mom, the 21st is MIL, and Sweetie’s is Aug 4th. I have to figure out what to do for a Man who will officially be 30-something.

Even if the CPA firm calls, I think I am only testing for a max of two sections before my b-day. I need to pass, not stress myself out. And I really want a routine for my housework, eating, and exercise before I add in studying again. So not postponing, just changing goals. I would rather have one section passed than to sit and fail all four.

I have had so much water today. I am a very good water drinker. Even when I am being “bad” I will get my water in. So that is not new. But today, man I have been peeing all the time. The bad part is that I have to put the phone on night-right and leave the office. There is a community bathroom for the entire building’s floor. Which is not bad, but means there is much further to walk.

I will close as I run to the potty, yet again.

results

I got my blood test results this morning.

Drum roll please.....

For my Free T4 (normal is .73-1.95), I started with a 2.29 on 3/8. Currently it is .98. NORMAL!!!

For my Free T3 (normal is 2.3-4.2), I started with a 7.3 on 3/8. Currently it is 2.8. NORMAL!!!

For my Ultrasensative TSH (normal is .300-5.1, with this one if you are below the .3 you are hyper and if you are above the 5.1 you are hypo), I started with .024 on 3/8. Currently it is .906. NORMAL!!! This is the chemical that normally takes the longest to get into a normal range. Four months on the meds and I have it on track.

I go back in two months. I am hoping to need a reduction in my medication at that time.

I feel great today. I feel like someone told me great news, like I got a job or something. I had no idea having normal levels would make me feel so good. I have not had a normal thyroid test since right after having Bug.

The medication is working. Normal levels. This means that while I still have Graves', I am not currently Hyper. YAY.

poptarts

Chocolate poptarts. Even though I would eat them at home as a kid, they always remind me of Grandma and Grandpa’s house. They would by them special when I stayed over.

Sweetie just wrote to me that he wants a date with me with a movie and dinner. I love that.

Gave more blood today. Time to test my levels again. I should know something tomorrow.

I am giving South Beach another try. From everything I have read, this kind of eating is the best for thyroid issues. HowieMaui is going to do it with me. Wish me luck. I will be finishing phase one just before Sweetie’s b-day.

My favorite kick-ass cancer survivor is coming to Austin tomorrow. I do not think I will make it. I know I am no longer contagious, I am just so afraid to get her sick. She posted recently that she thanked someone wearing a blood donation T-shirt. The woman was so moved that she cried. I love it. I cannot wait until I can give blood again. I can be on my meds and give blood. However, the meds have to have me in a normal range with my levels. But once they are, no holding me back, I am even getting on the bone marrow registry.

And now, it is two minutes until I go and get my sweet girl and spend a fun evening doing something, well, fun.

And so we eat Nilla Waffers

Only 10 more working days with my boss. I have this week, she is off next week, and the last week in July is her last week.

Lord help me to not kill her.

No word from CPA firm, so I am going to look elsewhere for work. All I want, which is a lot, is a job I love. That way being away from Bug might be a bit easier.

Now I just need to get to feeling good enough to workout. I am feeling 100% better from Friday, but not yet feeling great.

Not Contagious

I have been on my meds for the needed 24 hours in order to no longer be considered contagious.

While I still feel a bit of a sore throat and am tired, I am feeling so much better. I was feeling so bad yesterday.

Strep

I have strep. I will be contagious until tomorrow at 1pm.

I have antibotics and the good cough syrup.

That is all.

Home Again

We are home. We did not get home until 7:30 last night due to missing our flight. But I am not getting into that, as I want this to be a happy post. All I have to say is that American Airlines sucks.

The trip was amazing. We have 689 photos from our digital camera and several rolls of film to develop. I am so lucky to have a family that I can spend a week with - 24 hours a day - and not want to kill any of them. We saw the SanDiego coast, SanDiego Zoo, Down Town Disney, Disney Land, and California Adventure. During our trip we saw polar bears, a talking trash can, a scary plastic bag, and Goofy. We experienced being stuck in the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride during the most annoying part, the "pirate life for me" part with the burning building and all the drunk pirates singing. It got annoying. Bug got restless, but she hung in there. We even got my Mom on a Rollercoaster, her first. And Bug was so good!!! She was a little trooper with the plane rides, car rides, waiting in line, the heat, the rides she rode on, and all the people.

The trip was so much fun and with six days of excitement, there is no way that I could possibly blog about all of the fun.

We came home to burgers and hotdogs. My brother told me before I left that he was going to make sure that we did not have to do anything for the 4th. He had hotdogs, burgers, watermelon, and sodas all ready to eat. My brother and SIL are amazing. We ate and set off fireworks. It was a very nice celebration, even if we did get home later than expected.

I was to return to work today, but I was feeling less than wonderful and wanted to give Bug a half way normal day before returning to school. So, we slept. That was so nice.

San Diego Coast.
Bug riding her first ride at the Zoo.
Bug dancing to the blues in Downtown Disney.
Me and the Castle.

Bug playing with a fountain in California Adventure.

Where I am applying. Great location too, Main Street.

Bug at LAX waiting for our flight.

Now I must get ready for bed. I have to go to work tomorrow - ugh.